Still Confused

[Jennycat]

Hi...I posted a few weeks ago and I'm back again. I've been seeing a man for 7 months in an exclusive relationship. We've both been married before. He's divorced and I'm a widow. He has 2 teenaged boys living at home. My son is a few years older and in college. He is the most wonderful man I've ever known and I love him very much. He tells me he loves me, too. In my last post, I mentioned that he'd had some trust issues in the beginning and wasn't as demonstrative as I'd like him to be. The resposes I got were reassuring, which is why I'm back again.

This wonderful man has been living under a cloud of bad luck for a few months. In a few short weeks he lost his job and had to find a new place to live. Compounding everything were issues with his sons which are too complicated to get into. When he is faced with any sort of crises he withdraws; becomes distant. He tells me he'll call and then doesn't. He's in the middle of moving now and, although he has a new job and things are looking up, he's overwhelmed. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks and if I didn't call him, I don't think I'd ever hear from him. When I call him, he's always glad to hear from me, but a woman does like to feel wanted and desired from time to time.

I am a very patient, understanding person, but I do have to wonder what this all means. Instead of reaching out to me for comfort, he pulls back into himself. Is this normal? My late husband was like a little boy and "needed" me very much. This man doesn't seem to "need" me at all, and being needed is important to me. Any thoughts?

[Girl]

He has other things to worry about at the moment. You certainly aren't showing much patience if you think he needs to pander to you during a few stressful months.

Call him again sometime, tell him to make the next contact.

My late husband was like a little boy and "needed" me very much. This man doesn't seem to "need" me at all, and being needed is important to me. Any thoughts?

Making comparisons will get you nowhere.

[Jennycat]

I don't expect him to "pander" to me and I never voice any frustration to him, but when he distances himself from me I worry that he's pushing me away.

And I don't mean to compare, but the only other significant relationship I've had has been with my late
husband and he was very different. I can't help but be aware of that. I like the idea that this man is an adult and not Peter Pan, but I suppose I'll have to figure out on my ow how to handle a grown up.

[Girl]

I don't expect him to "pander" to me and I never voice any frustration to him, but when he distances himself from me I worry that he's pushing me away.

Well then perhaps you should consider voicing your concerns/frustrations. Granted, not in a frustrated tone. Since you are worried, then you need to communicate. He claims he loves you, so he should be understanding.

And I don't mean to compare, but the only other significant relationship I've had has been with my late husband and he was very different. I can't help but be aware of that.

You really don't owe anyone an explanation (particularly an internet stranger). Your situation is understandable. It's just not exactly fair to look at others and wonder why they aren't the same/can't live up to a certain standard. Not saying it isn't difficult. Good luck.

[eightball61]

Your trying to reach a goal that isn't ready to be reached yet.....He should make an effort to call but he doesn't. This again goes with your other thread about him lacking affection.

I am having a hard time trying to figure out if your just a "needy" person, he's not interested, or just wants to take things slow. Either way you need to see if this man is the fit for you. He is not giving the attention you want and I doubt he changes anytime soon.

What I see happening is that he wants to live his own life but still have a girl in it. He seems not want to take any relationship any further than casual meetings or casual . H's probably taking this route because he doesn't want to go through what he did in the past again.

I could be wrong but you still need to make a decision to what you want......

[ivy]

Hi...I posted a few weeks ago and I'm back again. I've been seeing a man for 7 months in an exclusive relationship. We've both been married before. He's divorced and I'm a widow. He has 2 teenaged boys living at home. My son is a few years older and in college. He is the most wonderful man I've ever known and I love him very much. He tells me he loves me, too. In my last post, I mentioned that he'd had some trust issues in the beginning and wasn't as demonstrative as I'd like him to be. The resposes I got were reassuring, which is why I'm back again.

This wonderful man has been living under a cloud of bad luck for a few months. In a few short weeks he lost his job and had to find a new place to live. Compounding everything were issues with his sons which are too complicated to get into. When he is faced with any sort of crises he withdraws; becomes distant. He tells me he'll call and then doesn't. He's in the middle of moving now and, although he has a new job and things are looking up, he's overwhelmed. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks and if I didn't call him, I don't think I'd ever hear from him. When I call him, he's always glad to hear from me, but a woman does like to feel wanted and desired from time to time.

I am a very patient, understanding person, but I do have to wonder what this all means. Instead of reaching out to me for comfort, he pulls back into himself. Is this normal? My late husband was like a little boy and "needed" me very much. This man doesn't seem to "need" me at all, and being needed is important to me. Any thoughts?


My thoughts are when you call he IS VERY happy to hear your voice. This is good. My other thought is that he has been through some tough stuff and he like you said is the type to withdrawl when he is feeling down. I tend to be like that myself.

Hang in there if this is his personality then you have to except that. He may not "need" you as much as your late husband but that doesn't mean he does not need or want you in his life.

Now if it is always is you giving and him not returning that then maybe you should rethink the relationship. I say if it is the way you say above he is just like this and you have to accept it.

[Jennycat]

I don't believe I am particularly "needy." I am quite busy with two careers and a son home from college at the moment. But I do care for this man deeply and I miss him when I don't see him. Because of many road blocks the last couple of weeks I haven't seen him at all, and it seems that I am always the one to call him. I asked him if he minded it when I called him and his response was, "Hardly!!" So, I do know he likes it when I reach out to him.

I suppose the fact that I have been virtually alone for 9 years since my husband's death plays a part in this. I have finally met someone who I feel is the "real thing," and I guess I want it to move more quickly.

He, too, is relationship-minded and I know he wouldn't have stuck around for 7 months if he didn't believe we have something. We've even discussed how we felt and I know we're on the same page.

I was looking for a man's take on this; can you really love someone and keep her at arm's length just because you're going through turmoil? I tend to want to pull the one I love in...is that a female thing?

Thanks for listening

[ivy]

I don't believe I am particularly "needy." I am quite busy with two careers and a son home from college at the moment. But I do care for this man deeply and I miss him when I don't see him. Because of many road blocks the last couple of weeks I haven't seen him at all, and it seems that I am always the one to call him. I asked him if he minded it when I called him and his response was, "Hardly!!" So, I do know he likes it when I reach out to him.

I suppose the fact that I have been virtually alone for 9 years since my husband's death plays a part in this. I have finally met someone who I feel is the "real thing," and I guess I want it to move more quickly.

He, too, is relationship-minded and I know he wouldn't have stuck around for 7 months if he didn't believe we have something. We've even discussed how we felt and I know we're on the same page.

I was looking for a man's take on this; can you really love someone and keep her at arm's length just because you're going through turmoil? I tend to want to pull the one I love in...is that a female thing?

Thanks for listening


Jenny I am not a guy, but I tended to have more of the guy type attitudes when it came to things and my husband was more emotional.

I don't mean overly but his feelings would get hurt when I would keep him at arms length, so as someone who has had the trait I can tell you it had nothing to do with the love for my husband that is just the way I dealt with things sometimes. It sounds like everything is good. He likes it when you reach out and maybe it is even comforting to him.

Everybody is different you could get many answers from the guys on here who have had some experience but they may all say different things. Talk to him and tell him it hurts you when he does that. Tell him you want to be able to go through the rough times with him. Hang in there. I know it is hard when you are ready to go to another level and he isn't yet, but from what you have said he does care about you.

[Jennycat]

Thanks. It's good to get another perspective sometimes.

[ivy]

Thanks. It's good to get another perspective sometimes.


I hope it helped. ;)

[Jennycat]

Yes, it did help. I have to try and stop being so antsy. :o

[eightball61]

Everybody is different you could get many answers from the guys on here who have had some experience but they may all say different things. Talk to him and tell him it hurts you when he does that. Tell him you want to be able to go through the rough times with him. Hang in there. I know it is hard when you are ready to go to another level and he isn't yet, but from what you have said he does care about you.

Ivy, you have taken the words right out of my mouth
:D

Jenny, it's true though and if you are hurt about this then you need to let him know. It's going to take time for him to regain what was lost in his heart because of the past. If you are willing to hold on then communicate your feelings to him but don't pressure him into something he is not ready for. If you feel you can't hold on then you need to move on.

[Diablo]

Whenever I'm going through a rough time, I withdraw some. That's just how some guys handle things. When your son goes back to school, invite him over for a nice dinner. At the right time, you can say something like, "it's okay to talk about it." If he reacts defensively, let the subject drop; however, he could react by talking about his troubles. Worth a try.

[Jennycat]

Thank you. After nearly 2 weeks, I saw him last night. Even though he's moving today, he made an effort to attend a family dinner last night to meet my sister, who is visiting from back East. All week, we had been trying to facilitate a meeting, but circumstances got in the way. He really put himself out last night. He was loving and attentive. When I am with him, I have no doubt whatsoever about his feelings for me. It just comes back to bridging the gap when we're NOT together. Those words of love over the telephone would go a long way to help that cause, but I suppose I'll have to get used to the fact that he's a man of action, not of words.

Again, thanks for your resposes.

[eightball61]

Those words of love over the telephone would go a long way to help that cause, but I suppose I'll have to get used to the fact that he's a man of action, not of words.


You now know that you can't have it both ways. You only choices are to find a way to accept who he is or don't accept him for who he is.........