Getting married in a month but fiance is mean to me

[blondie79]

This is hard for me to write, because I love my fiance, but it seem when ever something goes bad for him he takes everything out on me. I yells at me in public, swears, calls me horrible names and I just dont know what to do. I am scared to leave him because I dont want to go through the heartbreak, but my heartbreaks nearly everyday when he treats me badly. Sometimes he is super wonderful and treats me so well, but if one thing upsets him he goes crazy. We are both dealing with some very stressful things right now, so maybe once things settle down it will be ok? I dont know. I am just scared that when we get married things will get worse. Please give advice. :confused:

[ivy]

This is hard for me to write, because I love my fiance, but it seem when ever something goes bad for him he takes everything out on me. I yells at me in public, swears, calls me horrible names and I just dont know what to do. I am scared to leave him because I dont want to go through the heartbreak, but my heartbreaks nearly everyday when he treats me badly. Sometimes he is super wonderful and treats me so well, but if one thing upsets him he goes crazy. We are both dealing with some very stressful things right now, so maybe once things settle down it will be ok? I dont know. I am just scared that when we get married things will get worse. Please give advice. :confused:

Do not marry this guy. If he is treating you like this now what do you think it will be like when you get married? How about when life gets real stressful and you have kids to think about? It is much easier to get out of this now then later. He needs counceling. You need to move on and know you are worth more then to be treated the way he treats you.

[blondie79]

................

[blondie79]

I just wish I could tell the future. I hate his father because he is the same way to his mom, she has stuck by his dad's cheating and emotional abuse and I think she is so stupid for sticking with him, yet when I am in my own sistuation its like how can I leave? We just moved in together and I just dont know what I would do. I have supportive parents who would take me in but I am so scared of what I will go through. Damn I sound like such a wimp. I know this relationship was kind of a rebound because a month before I started seeing this guy I had my heart broken by a guy (who was a loser anyway) and I could not stand the pain. Now almost two years later I am in this relationship and I dont know how to get out because in reality I dont want to leave him. How did I get to this point!? Are there any men out there that treat women with respect? And dont swear all the time and call them names? It makes me sick because this sounds so typical. I am a good girlfriend and I put up with so much crap and I let a guy do this to me. I just dont get it! :mad:

[Girl]

Seek counseling, request that he take an anger management course. Have some self respect.

[ivy]

I just wish I could tell the future. I hate his father because he is the same way to his mom, she has stuck by his dad's cheating and emotional abuse and I think she is so stupid for sticking with him, yet when I am in my own sistuation its like how can I leave? We just moved in together and I just dont know what I would do. I have supportive parents who would take me in but I am so scared of what I will go through. Damn I sound like such a wimp. I know this relationship was kind of a rebound because a month before I started seeing this guy I had my heart broken by a guy (who was a loser anyway) and I could not stand the pain. Now almost two years later I am in this relationship and I dont know how to get out because in reality I dont want to leave him. How did I get to this point!? Are there any men out there that treat women with respect? And dont swear all the time and call them names? It makes me sick because this sounds so typical. I am a good girlfriend and I put up with so much crap and I let a guy do this to me. I just dont get it! :mad:


You really need to break this cycle that you are in. If you stay it will be hell I promise. It will get worse and you will not be happy! Not only should you get yourself out of this relationship, you should stay out of any relationship until you can figure out what it is about abusive men you like. Don't put up with the crap. Don't let men walk all over you. Go home and stay with your parents. Think about your future children would you want a little girl or boy growing up with a man who is abusive? A man that does not respect his wife? You children will imatate what they see and they will follow in yours and you husbands footsteps. If you came here for help please take it. Do not get married to this man.

[eightball61]

Getting married in a month makes things tough. Everything is just about planned & payed for but you really need to think about the future with this man. If he is hurting you now then getting married will not work things out. You see this problem now so you should act now. You may be wasting that money by putting the marriage on hold but acting now will save a lot in the long run......

Please check this thread out:

http://www.relationshipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=744

I wish you both luck & please keep us updated.

[Diablo]

Things will go downhill with this man until you finally leave him. You two aren't even hitched and he yells at you in public? Twenty bucks says he'll hitting you in private if you marry him.

[Mattey]

This kind of behaviour is very very hard to stop once it gets started.
God only know what his problem is, i dont know if there have been any changes in the relationship to cause this??? But i imagine he now has some anger/resentment towards you, he wont tell you why but he's showing it by giving you the blame for all his other problems.

[SALly]

It is OK to call the wedding off or postpone it. Some people may and may not understand but it is YOU that you need to worry about. It is better now than waiting until you are already married-- knowing that you were unsure all along.

[cari]

Blondie, I think you need to break it off with your fiance. Yes -the timing is not the best because you're getting married in a month - everything is already planned, tickets bought etc. I know you will feel as if you're inconveniencing/disappointing everyone by calling off the wedding - but TRUST ME - better now than 5 years down the road, when you have to go through a messy divorce with children involved, and all the embarassment and stigma that divorce involves.

IT WILL NOT GET BETTER. IT WILL GET WORSE. Your fiance is obviously acting out behaviour that he saw his own father display during his childhood. When men grow up in abusive households -whether emotional or physical - it's VERY difficult for them not to repeat the same pattern of abuse in their own lives, whether they consciously intend to or not. On some level, they have learnt that that method of relating to women is normal and acceptable. Sometimes they consciously know that it is wrong but still can't stop themselves. Many times they resent/despise their mothers for staying in the abusive situation - when they become men and they also become abusive, they project the resentment that they have against their mothers to their girlfriends and wives - they see them as being 'weak' and submissive, just like their mothers were.

I know because this happened to me. I got into a relationship very quickly with a charming, good-looking, 'Christian' man. We dated for about 4 months and then he started talking about marriage. I thought it was a bit too soon but he kept saying it wasn't. Anyway, long and short of it we got engaged after 6 months - after we got engaged I started seeing signs of his temper. He would blow up over simple things, swear after me, hit the wall etc. - because we were engaged, and all the plans were already on stream, I rationalised that I could handle his temper. But it only got worse. He would just explode whenever he got angry and much of it would be directed towards me. I had a chance to back out before we got married and didn't - I wanted to save face.

This is not to say that we didn't have a lot of good time - we did - he was very sweet and loving a lot of the time - but a lot of time he was also very critical and emotionally abusive. After we got married there would always be these spells where we would argue and he would call me names - then he would break down and cry and swear it wouldn't happen again. I would always forgive him -but it always happened again. He threw me against a wall one day, and another time he overthrew a chair with me it. A lot of times I was smiling in public but crying in private.

We were married for 2 years and are now divorced. Long and short of it is that I wished I had heeded the signs and gotten out of it when I could. Your fiance is showing a lack of respect to you by his actions and this will only get worse after y'all are married - not better. And trust me - you do not want to bring up your children in this environment. If you have girls, they will grow up thinking this kind of behaviour is acceptable. If you have boys, they will likely grow up to repeat the same behaviour.

There ARE men out there who will treat you the way you deserve. I am with a very loving man right now and I can't believe I accepted so much rubbish in my previous relationship.

Please get out while you can!!

[eightball61]

There ARE men out there who will treat you the way you deserve. I am with a very loving man right now and I can't believe I accepted so much rubbish in my previous relationship.




^^This is wonderful advice...Infact, your whole post was something that this thread needed. Thank You for sharing your own experience to Blondie & us.

[ivy]

^^This is wonderful advice...Infact, your whole post was something that this thread needed. Thank You for sharing your own experience to Blondie & us.


I second that ;) My daughter is also with a guy who treats her like she deserves. Her first love was no good. The guy she goes out with now takes the time to make sure she knows he is into her ;)

Oh to be young and in love again! Then again I am glad I am older. Experience is what we all need to share with one another. When you have that and share it with others it helps us all to grow as people.

[ivy]

^^This is wonderful advice...Infact, your whole post was something that this thread needed. Thank You for sharing your own experience to Blondie & us.

Blondie I hope you are still reading these posts and take everyone's advise. Please please for your own sake do not marry this guy. I have seen how bad this can destroy a woman and her children!! My sister was in that kind of relationship.

I could say more but I don't know that it would help. Please don't do this to yourself or to your possible future children. If you want to see the future with this man go to a batter womans shelter and you will see your future.

I know it isn't possible for you to actually go to a shelter but think about what life would be like trying to get out after he has beat you down so much emotionally you feel useless. It isn't pretty. I am hoping and praying you come back on here and tell us you broke it off and moved home.

[cari]

I second that ;) My daughter is also with a guy who treats her like she deserves. Her first love was no good. The guy she goes out with now takes the time to make sure she knows he is into her ;)

Oh to be young and in love again! Then again I am glad I am older. Experience is what we all need to share with one another. When you have that and share it with others it helps us all to grow as people.

Thanks ivy and eightball. I do hope Blondie is still out there and reading too.

[eightball61]

Thanks ivy and eightball. I do hope Blondie is still out there and reading too.


Blondie is still out there.....I have actually seen her on a few times today. I do hope she can post an update on her thoughts after giving a few days of thinking about what we have said.

[blondie79]

HI, Thank you to everyone who have shared their advice. I took it to heart. Last thursday I typed up a list of rules to a happy home and displayed them all over the home. I was worried he may get mad or rip them down but he called me and said we would follow my rules. It has been going good for now. The rules said stuff like no swearing around each other, think before you speak, etc. Just a bunch of stuff to remind him that treating me poorly is not acceptable. The only thing about it that is not working is he says he will only follow those rules if I follow his. Such as keeping everything neat, not leaving stuff around. I am agreeing to this but I wonder if it will ever be 'good' enough. He mentioned how his sister was a 'strong' woman. I was like where did she get that trait from and he was like, ME. So apparently he thinks all his siblings are strong people who dont put up with crap. I am or was a strong woman, but when you are emotionally beat down its hard to continue to be strong. I have lost a lot in my life. I lost my brother to a drunk driver not even three years ago, I lost all my grandparents, two of whom I was extremely close to. I dont desire to be beaten down to the point of no emotional stability. I am also in the process of weaning off my antidepressent and that is making me crazy. So, my life is a bit of a mess at the moment and I am not sure what to do. I will continue to keep you all posted. Today we are going to talk to the minister again, who is putting on the ceremony. I will see how things go, if he gets mad and takes anything out on me today I am demanding change or its not going to continue.

[SALly]

I'm reminded of a movie--- "Sleeping with the Enemy"..... :(

[Diabla]

HI, Thank you to everyone who have shared their advice. I took it to heart. Last thursday I typed up a list of rules to a happy home and displayed them all over the home. I was worried he may get mad or rip them down but he called me and said we would follow my rules. It has been going good for now. The rules said stuff like no swearing around each other, think before you speak, etc. Just a bunch of stuff to remind him that treating me poorly is not acceptable. The only thing about it that is not working is he says he will only follow those rules if I follow his. Such as keeping everything neat, not leaving stuff around. I am agreeing to this but I wonder if it will ever be 'good' enough. He mentioned how his sister was a 'strong' woman. I was like where did she get that trait from and he was like, ME. So apparently he thinks all his siblings are strong people who dont put up with crap. I am or was a strong woman, but when you are emotionally beat down its hard to continue to be strong. I have lost a lot in my life. I lost my brother to a drunk driver not even three years ago, I lost all my grandparents, two of whom I was extremely close to. I dont desire to be beaten down to the point of no emotional stability. I am also in the process of weaning off my antidepressent and that is making me crazy. So, my life is a bit of a mess at the moment and I am not sure what to do. I will continue to keep you all posted. Today we are going to talk to the minister again, who is putting on the ceremony. I will see how things go, if he gets mad and takes anything out on me today I am demanding change or its not going to continue.


Girl are you in trouble if you stay with that guy and his BS. Damn girl wake up and smell the crap you are living with. He will beat you down until you can be beat down no more!! Demand change? He knows he has you where he wants you. Your little notes probably humored him. Who does he think he is God? I mean he is like a control freak. I would be willing to make a bet that you will be a basket case in a matter of weeks. WAKE UP!

[SALly]

I see something wrong with ---him agreeing to not swear at you as long as you keep things neat. Basically you are agreeing to the facts that he will not treat you poorly as long as you do exactly what he wants. That is NOT living!

[eightball61]

I still think you should put the marriage on hold with these current issues that you both are facing. Just because he has changed some in the last few days doesn't mean he will forever stay this way. You both need to work on this together and allow "time" to work things out. Marriage will not change him and if this is something you believe then your getting into this for the wrong reason. You have to understanbd that it's never to late to put the future on hold and work on the present issues.

[SALly]

It takes a strong person to see that there is a problem. You are stronger than you think you are. And you need to continue to be strong--- don't just give in and go with the flow...his flow. If you need to postpone the wedding to figure things out then do it! That's being strong! Giving in to him when you have doubts- that's not being strong.

[Diabla]

I still think you should put the marriage on hold with these current issues that you both are facing. Just because he has changed some in the last few days doesn't mean he will forever stay this way. You both need to work on this together and allow "time" to work things out. Marriage will not change him and if this is something you believe then your getting into this for the wrong reason. You have to understanbd that it's never to late to put the future on hold and work on the present issues.

I think 8ball should quit dancing, it is making me feel a little sea sick. :(

[eightball61]

I think 8ball should quit dancing, it is making me feel a little sea sick. :(

I really think you outta quit shooting your mouth off in these forums because it's starting to make me sick :mad:


End of Conversation...... :rolleyes:

[Diabla]

I really think you outta quit shooting your mouth off in these forums because it's starting to make me sick :mad:


End of Conversation...... :rolleyes:


What is your problem 8ball? What exactly have I done in my first day here to aggravate you so? If you have a problem with me could you please let me know exactly what it is and why? I am on here like everyone else to get some feed back on life and relationships. What is wrong don't I fit with what you consider the norm? You are not a very fun person. I think the dancing man should be a grouchy old man instead.

[cari]

I see something wrong with ---him agreeing to not swear at you as long as you keep things neat. Basically you are agreeing to the facts that he will not treat you poorly as long as you do exactly what he wants. That is NOT living!

I agree that you should still put things on hold at least for a little bit. One thing about emotionally abusive men is that they always make you feel like the abuse is your fault - it's your fault they're acting this way - your fault that they have to swear and carry on. If only you did this..and this... YOU"RE RIGHT. It's NEVER going to be good enough, because that's just an EXCUSE for their sorry behaviour. IT's not about you - it's about THEM. I really think that you should give things more time. There's a lot of pressure right now because of the impending wedding but you really don't need to give in to all of it. As disappointed as everybody might be, they'll get over it. And remember, it's YOUR future, not your family and friends. YOU"RE the one who will be committing to him for life, while your friends and family go back to their own lives. Do you really think you'll be happy if things continue as they are, or perhaps get worse?

[Rich]

Now, now, diabla and 8-ball.

As for the original posting....why go into a difficult situation? A ring on the finger doesn't magically make things better.

This guy has issues and you shouldn't get married just yet......if ever.

[Jeanie]

Do not marry him. You do not deserve to be yelled at at all, let alone in public - him doing so shows just how much he disrespects you as a person. It may be hard to let go and move on now but I think you could also be feeling confused because he has made you feel as if you need him to survive? He sounds manipulative and cruel and you don't want to live with that for the rest of your life. There's someone out there for you who will be nice to you ALL the time and treat you with the respect you deserve - move on.

[chevmech]

Settle down, fellas! This poor girl has enough problems- she doesn't need hostile dialog in her post! Send PM's if you want to fight!

Blondie, I think you already know what you have to do. I agree with the consensus- You should not marry this guy! You can't put a price on how unhappy you will be if you do- It is abuse any way you slice it, and they are right, it will not get better- it will get worse!

Good luck to you. I hope everything works out.. for you.

[susieq]

Emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse than physical abuse b/c the scars are not visible and eventually when someone tells you things over & over again you start believing them. You don't deserve to be treatd this way and I would not marry this guy if I were you. I'd put the wedding on hold, go through counseling and see if it's even worth mending. More than likely it's not b/c he's learned this behavior watching his dad do it to his mom and she's let him so he thinks its acceptable. IT"S NOT! You have done nothing to deserve it and need to know that.

Also, emotional abuse is usually what happens before the physical abuse.

SQ

[topshelf79]

This is hard for me to write, because I love my fiance, but it seem when ever something goes bad for him he takes everything out on me. I yells at me in public, swears, calls me horrible names and I just dont know what to do. I am scared to leave him because I dont want to go through the heartbreak, but my heartbreaks nearly everyday when he treats me badly. Sometimes he is super wonderful and treats me so well, but if one thing upsets him he goes crazy. We are both dealing with some very stressful things right now, so maybe once things settle down it will be ok? I dont know. I am just scared that when we get married things will get worse. Please give advice. :confused:

Sounds like verbal abuse, seek help or drop him.

[Rich]

Your fiance is repeating the cycle of his father. Kids grow up seeing and often repeating how their parents act.

You will not change this guy and don't let your wedding date pressure you into doing what you know you must not do.

Take some pride in yourself that you deserve to be treated in a better manner.

If you marry this guy now then don't complain later on about how you're treated or how shitty your marriage is. Your fiance's actions aren't indicative of a partner that you can count on for a happy, loving or long lasting marriage. He needs help.

[nightman32]

Respect. That comes even before love. A person that respects you will never yell at u in public or make u feel less than what u are. Love can be disguised easily, sometimes u even confuse it for lust. He was there wehn u needed someone, now u feel owed to him.

I honestly feel after reading your post that you should not marry this guy. You deserve someone much better. Dont cheat yourself and dont lie to your own gut feel.

It will DEFINITELY get worse once ur married.

Good luck and kindest regards to u.

Nick Dean Phd.

www.relationship-repair.com