What to do..she's in contact with her ex.

[Eric7]

Ok, here's my story. I've been dating the same girl exclusively for almost a year now. Over the course of the year we've grown close, but she has still kept in contact with her ex boyfriend here and there. She's gone through spurts where she stops all contact from him, but then all of a sudden she begins a friendship with him all over again. I believe she's 100% faithful to me, but I've never been quite secure about them hanging out at all. She recently told me that she's going to get him to fix her computer (he's a computer technician), but I don't like it one bit. I don't understand why she can't get any other computer technician to do it. Why does it have to be him? I've noticed that oft times if there's something that I can't do myself, she has him do it seeing that he lives in the same city and it's convenient. Or is it more than that? She clearly sees that that it bothers me and agrees that I have a point. Yet despite this, she still believes that it's ok to be friends with him because as she puts it, "We're not going to get back together. He's just a friend. I feel nothing for him. I'm with you." Now here's where it gets even more weird. He doesn't know about me. She has yet to tell him about me. Out of respect for my feelings, I feel she needs to tell the guy about me to at least give me the security that she's made it clear to him that she now sees him as "strictly" friends. I've concluded that perhaps she's not totally over him.

Am I correct in feeling this way? If it continues to bother me, what do I do? Should I make a stand and give her an ultimatum, our relationship or her friendship with him? Or do nothing? I'm confused. I'm trying to stick it out but it's very upsetting. Note, this issue hasn't come up in about 3-4 months, but I guess they recently became friends again. Thanks for listening. I look forward to your input.

[SALly]

Well I find the part about her not telling him about you to be odd. If she was just seeing him and talking to him as a friend-- why wouldn't she mention you? I would definitely check into it a little further- talk to her more about it, maybe give her the ultimatum of telling him about you or ending the friendship with him. Why would she need him if she has you anyways.... It's no biggie to remain friends in a way with ex's but to act like she is "available" isn't right.

[eightball61]

He doesn't know about me


I had to edit my original posting to you because I missed this part :wow:

This is a problem that he doesn't know about you. She is being open to you about there friendship but she's not being open enough to "why" she wants it. I am willing to bet she still have feelings for him and is holding onto "hope" that he'll come back to her. My personal opinion would be for you to dumb her before you get hurt more than you already are.

I wish you the best of luck once again.

~8ball

[2BDMD]

Ok, here's my story. I've been dating the same girl exclusively for almost a year now. Over the course of the year we've grown close, but she has still kept in contact with her ex boyfriend here and there. She's gone through spurts where she stops all contact from him, but then all of a sudden she begins a friendship with him all over again. I believe she's 100% faithful to me, but I've never been quite secure about them hanging out at all. She recently told me that she's going to get him to fix her computer (he's a computer technician), but I don't like it one bit. I don't understand why she can't get any other computer technician to do it. Why does it have to be him? I've noticed that oft times if there's something that I can't do myself, she has him do it seeing that he lives in the same city and it's convenient. Or is it more than that? She clearly sees that that it bothers me and agrees that I have a point. Yet despite this, she still believes that it's ok to be friends with him because as she puts it, "We're not going to get back together. He's just a friend. I feel nothing for him. I'm with you." Now here's where it gets even more weird. He doesn't know about me. She has yet to tell him about me. Out of respect for my feelings, I feel she needs to tell the guy about me to at least give me the security that she's made it clear to him that she now sees him as "strictly" friends. I've concluded that perhaps she's not totally over him.

Am I correct in feeling this way? If it continues to bother me, what do I do? Should I make a stand and give her an ultimatum, our relationship or her friendship with him? Or do nothing? I'm confused. I'm trying to stick it out but it's very upsetting. Note, this issue hasn't come up in about 3-4 months, but I guess they recently became friends again. Thanks for listening. I look forward to your input.
If you read my posts, then you'll find that I'm EXTREMELY against ex boyfriends being friends and hanging out for lunch, dinner, and/or whatever! My last relationship, I had to deal with that, I can't stand it nor did I understood it. My ex and I have gotten in numerous arguments and fights about this issue.

Because of my experiences with her and her exs (yes plural), I vowed to myself that I would never be like her exs when I'm a ex (which is now) and keep in contact with her. We've been broken up for a month now and I have not spoken to my ex and I refuse to. Everytime I think about how she said that she likes to keep in touch with her exs, I told her, I will not be a part of her "fan club" and keep in touch with her.

My advice for you, get rid of this girl. I know, it's tough, you've been together for over a year, but heartaches and confusion will set in soon and it will eat you up. I am so glad that I'm over my previous relationship. As anyone who's a veteran here can attest, I was really into my ex too. I thought she was the one, but 8 months of dealing with her bullshit, I'm done.

Exs are never good news.

[Girl]

If she wasn't being so secretive about you, then in my eyes it shouldn't be a problem. But the fact that she hasn't even mentioned you being in her life to him is a red flag. Why is she so comfortable letting you know what's going on but not him? To lead him on? To keep the friendship alive? And then there's the worst case scenario. Who knows.

[AlsoranCole]

Well there is the problem that she might be protecting his feelings! Which is also bad. It seems to me from your posting that you have not really told her how you feel about her seeing the ex-boyfriend. You don't have to give her and ultimatum but make it absolutely clear that she has to tell him about you. Seems a bit crappy that she is being honest with you him and she wont do you the curtesy of the same.

In the end if she is disregarding your feelings then you break it off with her and tell her why. This way the ball is in her court and she has to make the call. This in my experience is better than an ultimatum which is a controling and makes you look like the agressor.

[Eric7]

I had to edit my original posting to you because I missed this part :wow:

This is a problem that he doesn't know about you. She is being open to you about there friendship but she's not being open enough to "why" she wants it. I am willing to bet she still have feelings for him and is holding onto "hope" that he'll come back to her. My personal opinion would be for you to dumb her before you get hurt more than you already are.

I wish you the best of luck once again.

~8ball
Hi eightball, yesterday I got everything off my chest and she said I had nothing to worry about. I asked, "If it came down to it, who would you choose, me or him?" She replied with, "You of course! Stop tripping. He's just going to fix my computer. Seriously, I don't need stress in my life right now. I have so much riding on these two classes I'm taking. I don't want to worry about petty stuff." I then responded with, "my feelings are petty? How could you say that?" She countered with, "I don't mean to sound insensitive. I just don't want stress in my life and I don't want anything to distract me from these courses. If the stress is too much then I'll probably have to cut it all out of my life."

Now I even asked her if I could meet him and be introduced as the guy she's dating, because they're just friends, afterall, right? She said that it would be too weird. She also mentioned that the reason she hasn't mentioned me is because he never really asks who she's dating.

[SALly]

Why would you really want her to come running back to you after she is playing you like this. I wouldn't bother playing the games. I would tell her that obviously she doesn't respect you or the relationship as much as you do and it isn't working out. let her figure out and learn that she can't play these stupid games if she wants a real respectful relationship.

[Eric7]

Well there is the problem that she might be protecting his feelings! Which is also bad. It seems to me from your posting that you have not really told her how you feel about her seeing the ex-boyfriend. You don't have to give her and ultimatum but make it absolutely clear that she has to tell him about you. Seems a bit crappy that she is being honest with you him and she wont do you the curtesy of the same.

In the end if she is disregarding your feelings then you break it off with her and tell her why. This way the ball is in her court and she has to make the call. This in my experience is better than an ultimatum which is a controling and makes you look like the agressor.
Interesting. That's what a few people have advised me to do already.

Seriously, I don't want to be a jerk and make a big deal out of something that may be perceived as minute by some. That's basically why I'm here. I wanted to confirm that I'm justified in being upset.

Now they're suppose to do the computer thing either tonight or tomorrow. I don't really want to know about it because it will kill me. I'm thinking of avoiding her all weekend. I know this may sound immature, but I want to stress out as little as possible this weekend.

On a side note, I have his personal email address. Do you guys think it would be wrong to send him an email informing him of who I am. Would it be totally wrong in going behind her back and sending him that email?

[Eric7]

Why would you really want her to come running back to you after she is playing you like this. I wouldn't bother playing the games. I would tell her that obviously she doesn't respect you or the relationship as much as you do and it isn't working out. let her figure out and learn that she can't play these stupid games if she wants a real respectful relationship.
I guess a major part of me wants her to run back to me, because I love this girl and I want it to work out. :(

[SALly]

Well you have to let her go to get her to run back.
I wouldn't send an email unless you want to get involved in the games. She could get really really pissed at you.
if you were to send one though---I would probably send one that said something like- hey thanks for helping (so and so) out with her computer. I know she really appreciates it. I'm her boyfriend (so and so) and just wanted to say thanks for the help.

[eightball61]

I don't like to play games,


If you don't like games then why play? A relationship is not a game. If you feel she is playing a game and you have to play one then end it now. Your relationship is not healthy and will not get any better with games being played. You need to realize that she is keeping something from you and you need to see that. If this friendship wasn't such a big deal then she would be more open about it.

[AlsoranCole]

IOn a side note, I have his personal email address. Do you guys think it would be wrong to send him an email informing him of who I am. Would it be totally wrong in going behind her back and sending him that email?

This is a really bad idea. Right now you have done nothing wrong or impulsive. Don't let yourself become the bad guy

[Diablo]

I agree, do not email him. Perhaps she is keeping quiet about you to him out of sympathy. You don't want it to become more than sympathy; which sending him an email would do. She would then be mad at you as well. Also, it's not unusual for people to remain friends with an ex. She is not hiding him from you and if they were more than friends, she probably would be. I suggest playing it cool and not acting inordinately upset over this. Suppose the worst happens? In a hooptedootle over a woman, the guy who keeps a cool head usually wins out.

[SALly]

How do you have his email address anyway??? Just curious.

[Eric7]

How do you have his email address anyway??? Just curious.
Awhile back she sent a mass email containing a joke. He was on the list.

[PreciousYaya]

"We're not going to get back together. He's just a friend. I feel nothing for him. I'm with you."



I can say I have been in your girlfriends position before, and let me tell you, from my experiences this isn't a good thing for you. Of course I'm not saying she is just like me. It could be that she really doesn't love him, does not have feelings for him, and really wants nothing other than a friendship. However, when i was in her situation, I still saw my ex, and I guess I tried to have a friendly relationship with him just incase things with my current bf went wrong. I only did this in the beginning because I was insecure of my new relationship. I never did anything with my ex, but I realized that I should not be doing that to my boyfriend. My bf knew about my ex, and like your gf i would argue that we were just friends nothing was going to happen between us, this and that. I guess talking to my ex gave me a lil bit more self confidence knowing that I had a bf, yet I knew if i wanted to I could get back together with my ex.

I stopped talking to my ex because it was hurting my current bf, and I care deeply about his feelings. I do not want to hurt him in any way, and when he asked me to stop, I did because I care about him. I know it wasn't wise to still see my ex, and not tell him I had a bf, but I am just thankful that I did not cross the line.
My advice here is like what most others are saying. Either make sure he knows about you, or have her stop seeing him. She does not need to see him, and keep you a secret. I guess maybe one reason why she is having him fix her computer and not someone else is because he might fix it for free. Not sure if she's tight on money, but if she is, it could just be that he is willing to help her out.

[Eric7]

.........................

[AlsoranCole]

If you can handle it there is a third solution which is the one I use. I told my lady she can be friends with ex's if she wanted to. However, I did not want to see them and did not want them turning up to BBQ's etc at my place.

I told her that it I was not happy with it and that it hurt me but if she really thought there friendship was important then she could have it.

I meant it too. I was not going to let my jealousy deprive her of something that was only a danger in my mind.

She doesn't see any of them now.

[Eric7]

Here's an update:

I was tripping hardcore on Thursday/Friday thinking about her and the ex meeting up to fix her computer. I finally calmed myself down and didn't even call her on Saturday. I didn't want to know when she was going to get the comp fixed. Well as it turns out, it didn't happen. She contacted me several times during the day as she was studying ardously for her exams, and we hung out late at night. Sunday turned out to be more of the same as we went to the bookstore and she studied while I read other materials. She and I are very connected right now. I trust her completely and I'm not going to trip out unless it's something which I consider major. Thank you all for your assistance. It's much appreciated.

[eightball61]

Here's an update:

I was tripping hardcore on Thursday/Friday thinking about her and the ex meeting up to fix her computer. I finally calmed myself down and didn't even call her on Saturday. I didn't want to know when she was going to get the comp fixed. Well as it turns out, it didn't happen. She contacted me several times during the day as she was studying ardously for her exams, and we hung out late at night. Sunday turned out to be more of the same as we went to the bookstore and she studied while I read other materials. She and I are very connected right now. I trust her completely and I'm not going to trip out unless it's something which I consider major. Thank you all for your assistance. It's much appreciated.


ummmmmm......Good Luck (I guess) & I am sure we'll see you back. :rolleyes:

[Eric7]

ummmmmm......Good Luck (I guess) & I am sure we'll see you back. :rolleyes:
HAHA Let's hope you aren't right. :o :)

[eightball61]

HAHA Let's hope you aren't right. :o :)


& if there is a problem you better come back ;) . Don't stay away to prove we may be wrong.

Again, Good Luck :)

[Eric7]

& if there is a problem you better come back ;) . Don't stay away to prove we may be wrong.

Again, Good Luck :)
Thanks eightball. :)