No idea!

[noidea7]

I don't even know where to start. I'm so lost, confused, hurt, andgry and every other word that can descibe what I am feeling. I am going to try to make a long story short.

I have been married for a little over a year to what I thought the most wonderful man ever. 4 months ago I found out that he had cheated on me. He didn't come to me and tell me this, I found out from doing some investigating after finding things that made me suspicous. I never thought that of all people he would do something like this. Anyway after spening money on hiring an investigator and buying phone bills and every other possible thing you can do I found out a lot more then I would have liked to know.

I know for sure of him cheating with one female because I spoke to this female who had no idea that he was mairried. Female number to is supposed to be his friend yet they seem to talk more then my husband and I do on the phone. Female number three is an ex who had no idea that he was married until I told her. After I found out about female number three which he was emailing and I cound out about I decided to leave him. This was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

I now live in a seperat appartment. After all was said and done I told him that I can forgive and want things to work out. He told me that he is unsure of what he wants even though he still loves me. I always ask him where I went wrong and he tells me that it is not me that it is him.

He continously lies to me and does all of the things that he always told me he didn't like me to do.

I don't really know where I am getting at with all of this. I just havn't really spoken to anyone about this. Not a lot of people even know that we are not living together and it has been about two months now. I go to work and then home to sit and think about it. I go crazy!

I really don't know how to deal and which direction to go. As much as he has hurt me and angers me I can't find it in me to call it quits.

[eightball61]

I really don't know how to deal and which direction to go. As much as he has hurt me and angers me I can't find it in me to call it quits.


Hello nodia7,

Your mind will sort these things out for you. It's going to take time for that to happen and that's why you are fustrated. Be proud though that you did a good thing by seperating yourself from him so you can have space. If you were still there now you'd be wanting to get out of there. I know part of you wants him back but things will be very difficult if you to take him back. Keep in mind that he has now broken your trust in him so his activities will always be suspicous to you. You'll be able to forgive him but you'll never forget.

Where're here for you :)


~8Ball

[Jeanie]

Firstly, let me say that I'm so sorry that you have been through so much emotional torment. Secondly, I have to say "Well done!" on taking a positive step by moving out. Even though you are so overwhelmed with emotion right now you will see in a few months time that you have done the right thing.

Time is a healer and you will get over this. You say you don't want to call it quits, but he already has.
I found out my husband was cheating on me when my little boy was only two months old. It wasn't anything physical either, just the phone calls and emails, but my life has been ripped apart since then. The fact that you have found out about THREE different women is reason enough to walk away and never look back. You deserve better than that.
You will never be able to trust him again and everytime he goes somewhere or calls someone your stomach is going to turn and you will get suspicious. That's how it is going to be - do you really want that?

Don't be too hard on yourself right now - it will be tough, no doubt about it, but you will heal and you will move on with your life.
All the best and hang in there ok.

[ForeverDream]

Can't say I have ever been cheated on and quite honestly I wouldn't want to know, if a relationship is a loving one it makes no sense to take risks and jeopardise what you already have built up together.
One thing to remember here is it isn't your fault, it is his fault, for reasons only known to him why he cheated on you.
This question I believe is possibly the one question that makes you feel crazy when you sit and think about things is..

How could he of done this when he says he loves me?

He could very well love you and is being honest saying it, or he could think he loves you and is saying that because of the guilt he feels...whatever the reason only he knows for sure.
I don't know your man at all, or to why he has cheated on you...I could guess and say that maybe he is of a very insecure nature deep down, this doesn't mean it will show on the surface either, he could be constantly searching for love and possibly reasons being because he received very little love towards him as a child, in turn confusing him into a false sense of security.
Or he could of been in love before with some-one else who went on to hurt him in a similar way.
You will have greater knowledge of this than anyone here...
The fact you say you can forgive him tells me you feel a lot towards him, sadly though unless he recognises the reason he has cheated it is something that wont just stop.
Whatever the underlying problem is unfortunately it is driving him to cheat.
"the underlying problem" is in him, not you, you are not to blame here in anyway at all...He has a problem and needs to deal with it...It's not your fault.

Take care and keep strong...

[SALly]

Hi- I just read this post. Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm going through some hard times too. I understand how you feel and how you say you sit and think about it. You want it to leave your mind, but it just won't. Believe me, I know! I found a site that really helped me. Not sure if I'm allowed to post it on here but I'll try. It's www.marriagebuilders.com. Just reading through some of the info on there really helped me feel better. I guess just knowing that it isn't just me that is going through this....that many others have been there. Some stay together and make it through, some don't. That's only something you can figure out. I commend you for leaving, I have not been able to do so. I can't find the strength. Be strong, it will be hard and take time but we are here for you. Venting on this site has helped me a lot too. One day I'm hating him and leaving, the next day I'm giving him another chance.

[yourstruly]

He told me that he is unsure of what he wants even though he still loves me. I always ask him where I went wrong and he tells me that it is not me that it is him.

I know that leaving was a very difficult decision, but you definetly did the right thing. When a husband or a wife finds out that they have been cheated on, it's an extremely difficult thing to swallow. He was doing something that he did not plan on getting caught doing. He thought he was getting away with it. And he doesn't deserve to be married to you.

Of course he still loves you. But just the fact that he was cheating....and not with just one, with 3 women, shows that he has an extreme problem. Even though he may sound sorry that he did it, he would probably do it again, but next time he would cover his ass better.

He says that the problem is with him, not you......but I have to question that. Because truly, if someone is happy with their partner, they wouldn't cheat. So something is lacking in your marriage......and it must be addressed as soon as possible if the two of you have any intention of getting back together and making it work.

[Romantic47]

Hang in there girl! It's not easy but try to take things one step at a time - in the end you'll come out tops! We are here for you!
Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out.
- John Wooden

[dezdweller]

He says that the problem is with him, not you......but I have to question that. Because truly, if someone is happy with their partner, they wouldn't cheat. So something is lacking in your marriage......and it must be addressed as soon as possible if the two of you have any intention of getting back together and making it work.

Or he could just be a selfish, shallow piece of shit with an "I can, therefore I will" mentality.

Known too many of both es like that - there are those people who couldn't be monogamous if their life depended on it, and it isn't because the at home isn't good, it's because of something lacking in themselves, be it self-esteem, a conscience, insecurity, whatever. As a guy said to me once when I asked him WHY he screwed around on his wife, "Well, she (meaning this girl he screwed at a party) was laying there - what am I supposed to do, just walk away?" Like it was an insult to his manhood or something...
And women are just as bad...

Some people just don't deserve the loving spouses they have, and the blame should rest squarely where it belongs - on THEM.

So, hon - you don't always get out of a relationship what you put into it - sometimes you just pick a guy who wants YOU to be the married one while he still plays.

A marriage is like china, delicate and rare.
But once it's broken, the crack is always there.