in need of some advice

[wcnav]

first off I would like to apoligize for any misspelled words or bad punctuation lol


Well this is a hard one for me to mention on a fourm but I dont know what else to do .
I have been married to my wife for almost 5 years now im 25 shes 24 so yes we did get married early. We do not have any kids at the moment, and with the problem that i am dealing with i dont know that having kids would be the best. my problem lies with my trust with my wife. i am in the navy and 3 years ago wile i was on deployment in iraq my wife cheated on me. when i came home and found out it drove me nuts, but somthing told me to forgive her and try to work it out, but honnestly we may have stayed together but deep down i dont think i have forgiven her about it, and yes i have talked to her about it but the responces i get are basicly why dont you trust me, get over it im sorry that it happened but get over it. even today it drives me insane i get jelouis and paranoid i guess , stray numbers on the caller id and even looking at phone bills for odd numbers are somthing that i find my self doing , though ashamed that i am " looking " for it but i still find myself not trusting her thinking that she did it once se will do it again, i also admit as bad as it sounds and to this day i feel bad for doing it, but i did and i cannot go back on it, she left her yahoo email account open and i saw some emails that she was writing to some random guys ( i guess ) and they were pretty sausey to say the least, and this has worried me even more no now with the double wammey of when i go out for the military will she be true, and is she being true on the homefront even when im home. its also to the point where i cannot sleep somenights because of the dreams that i have about this. i can say that is because i dont have realy the best self esteem about myself and that all i realy have is her and if i lost the woman that i do love then id have no one, . it is one of the hardest things that i have ever came to go through and amongest all this its like i cant even go to the woman that i love for support in this???

if there is any advice or help that you may give please i could use it!!!

thanks for you time

United States Sailor

[martin120db]

It is hard to forgive someone that you hold in the most highest reguards. Especially when they are unfaithful to you.

This is a situation that requires love, attention, honesty, and most of all maturitiy. I have nothing but questions.Like: Did she tell you that she cheated or did you find out by an another person?

If told by another person do you have proof that she cheated?

If she did cheat on you and she did tell you, how long has she been cheating on you?

Why does she feel the need to cheat on you?

Does she want out of your marrige?

Why is it difficult for her to remain faithful to you?

I have been cheated on many times. I know the pain. There is nothing that is going to make it go away until you are either able to get away from this person, or you are able to really communicate to your wife how you are feeling and find out how she is feeling about you, herself and your relationship. Do not confront her in an accusatory manor, and do not start blaming. If your car stops running, you would not take a hammer to the engine to try and find the problem. So dont make things worse by blaming and judging.

I would say that this is difficult not only because you are gone for great lengths at a time (which can give a relationship a pretty rough beating) but how you treat each other when you are together.

If she has not asked for a divorce, then I would asume that she wants to stay with you. But not respecting her buy automatically wondering if the ring of the tellephone is her next suitor, is just insane and it will drive you both apart. If you can not trust her then get out. Seperate for a little while, clear your head and plan a time to talk to her about these trust issues and future of your relationship.

I dont know how to explain this stuff but I will tell you what I have learned in my life. It takes a lot for a woman to cheat especially on their husband. It takes even more for a woman to admit that they have cheated to themselves and to their spouses. If she told you then she was being honest with you. If you want to make this work you are going to have to learn to forgive her and learn to trust her again. If you can not learn to trust then there is nothing more for you in that relationship. You dont have any kids so there will not be a custidy problem.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can make your relationship work again.

[eightball61]

The pain that you know feel will forever be hard to get rid of. She has broken your trust and will never fully understand that part. She is right though and since you did give her a second chance then you need to get over it. If you can't get over it then you need to be fair to her and yourself by ending things. You being gone doesn't help out either because you are afraid that she will go back to cheating again. It's possible that she may have learned from her mistake but she'll never unerstand the pain she caused by that mistake.

[dezdweller]

Before I get to your letter I have to tell you my family is Navy - Dad was UDT (Korea), husband a medic (Corpsman) in 'Nam and my son is currently in Bremerton (submariner).

You aren't going to find peace in ANY relationship until you stop the co-dependency and making someone else responsible for your happiness. What power she has over you! You are so terrified of being without her she could probably do almost anything and you'd suffer and bear it so as not to lose her! That's not good. My Dad used to tell me to look in the mirror upon arising every morning. Look at it like you were looking at someone else, not yourself. When you look in there and like who you're looking at you're there, because ultimately you are the only person you HAVE to live with. Then read my quote at the bottom of this post.

Having said that - to be a military wife takes a special kind of woman. You are alone a lot, make most decisions on your own, sometimes have to pack and move alone when a transfer comes through, raise the kids alone...and be strong for everyone, strong in love, strong in faith and strong in hope.

I hope the e-mails are nothing. Have you talked with her about them? Not by throwing a bunch of "You" messages, but telling her how seeing them made you feel...hurt, scared, jealous, concerned for the future. As for the betrayal, you told her you'd forgive her - keep your word. If you keep this up you may end up driving her away. Go somewhere isolated, scream at her, call her every name in the book, then say out loud "It's done, I forgive you" - go home and turn the page.

Last but not least - you are Navy, we are family. Keep my e-mail address and write to me any time. I will always be here for you.

[Diablo]

Her responses when you bring it up says a lot and so does the fact that she writes guys saucy letters. People do look for an ear on the net, but that type usually doesn't write saucy emails. She couldn't care less about how her cheating hurt you. She's just mad because you found out. This woman will run over you as long as you're with her.

[onceknownasme]

You are a man doing his duty and taking care of responisibilty when being out of the country...not everyone can be in your position. You are very brave. I'm not in the same situation but dealing with long distance it is very hard. Of course, it's hard to get over after what she has done to you. To me it feels like, yes, you were able to forgive her but you are not able to forgive yourself for forgiving her and so, you are not able to forget about it. Keep your head up high, hopefully one of these days she will realize what she has done...but then that could be too late for her. Look at yourself first at this moment, do things that can make you become a better person, and that can make you happy.....you need to take care of yourself too. She should be willing to show you how important you are to her. It is not right of what she has done. One day, she will pay her dues......it may not be now but one day it will hit her hard in the mind and in the heart.
For what you do, she should be there supporting you. You need this support too. Take care of yourself. I'm too young to say how things should be when one is married....but my best regards and best of luck to you. When you will be deployed once again, just shout out an address and surely and gladly i'll send a post card from Canada just for a hello....and for wishing best of luck! Good luck with everything. Remember to smile.....that is something one cannot rob you from. :) :)