Girlfriend VS job

[impymech]

Here is my situation. I am in the military stationed in Maryland and will transfer to Virgina if I decied to stay in. My girlfrienfd lives in Deleware which is about 3 hours away from me. Everthing has been going great even though we can only see eachother on weekends due to distance. She has asked me to get out of the military to come move in with her. The thought of getting out of the service and moving in with her sounds great but I am so scared that I will not be able to find a good job there. My current rank is E-5 and my pay and compensation is so good that getting out and starting a new job will result in at least $15,000 to $20,000 a year paycut. I have not set myself up for good employment in the civilian sector such as education, certification ect... cause my plan was to do my twenty and retire. I have asked her to come with me and she has pretty much made up her mind and decided not to do that. I am so scared to get out. My current finacial situation requires me to have the income I have now to pay the bills and to put me in the market to get a house which I planed to purchase within a couple of years. I know that good jobs are really tough to find even with a college degree. Then again meeting sombody you can fall in love with is a hard find too. This is going to be the biggest choice so far in my life! Do I ditch a career that I have worked so very hard at for the last 8 years and start all over at the bottom of the ladder to be with her and take a chance or do I stay with what I know and loose out on the girl that
I have fallen for? I really wish she would come with me. I could provide so much for her. Her income won't even make her house payment. Her parents pay half the house payment cause her income is so low. If I were to move in with her we would more likely live paycheck to paycheck due to the bills and the fact I will most likely not get a job with the income to support us cause I am unprepared education wise and most likely it will be a job I can't stand. I have no clue what to do!

[Samber]

How is your girlfiriends career? Does she have a good job with potential for growth? If not, I would stay in. Maybe it's because I'm ex-military, but you can't beat the benefits. Explain to her the problems here. You could stay in another few years, take some college courses and set yourself up for a good career when you get out. Hopefully she'll see the logic in that. There is no logic in getting out and living paycheck to paycheck.

[Rich]

Impymech-

I was in the Air Force and faced the same decisions that you're facing now. I decided to get out after 4 years as I could not see myself staying in for 20 and moving my family around the world every few years. I also figured that I would just be hurting my chances of landing a decent job on the outside the longer I stayed in without going to twenty years. I'd be older and that much more out of touch. Plus I would have a wife and kids and it would be that much more difficult.

The bottom line is that if you decide that you want to have children, YOU will become the bread winner in the family and it will fall on you to support all of you. Your wife might or might not want to leave the baby after it's born and go back to work. At the very least she will be out on unpaid maternity leave for 3 - 6 months and all the bills will fall onto your shoulders. Plus if you had more than one kid that situation would play itself over and over again.

As men we always need to keep that in mind. I'm not trying to sound chauvinistic, but reality is reality in most normal situations. It will be up to you to support your family and you need to be able to do that.

As such you need to set yourself up, however you had planned on doing it, to be prepared to do all of that. IMO if you had a plan in mind, you should stick with it. Doing 20 in the military and retiring with a pension while also getting a degree if you could, is a sound move. Also, if you're heart isn't set on REALLY wanting to do what your girlfriend is suggesting, I feel that some resentment might grow by having sort of been squeezed into doing something that you really didn't in your heart want to do. Especially when things get tough and you're living check to check. There could be fights and arguments in your future.

I would more trust you staying in and her joining you, then you getting out and living with her. At least there's a safety net (job security, benefits and pension) going your way then by going her way. IMO.

Good luck,

Rich

[denimandpearls]

Wow, as I was reading your story I reflected back to a situation quite similar between me and my EX husband. This is our story...
James and I met just into our junior year in College. He was in the Army, an explosives expert currently stationed in Kosovo. He had just come back and had the option to sign on for another 4 years. He was older than I was, but at the same stage in his education. We had this whirlwind romance, we loved eachother SO much. I was still living at home in the apartment above the garage and paying what I could towards the rent which I never fully made each month. We wanted to get married, we talked about it all the time. He was making GREAT money at the time. He was able to pay his bills, treat me to dinners, movies and little special gifts. Reenlisting for another 4 meant he would get yet another increase in pay, but, it also meant that if I married him, I had to move WITH him when he went back to Kosovo. I didnt want anything to do with it. I couldnt bear leaving my family, my school, my job, any of it. I didnt like the thought of living on a military instalation or raising kids there. Plus, i didnt want to say goodbye to him each day not sure if he'd come back in one piece. I begged and pleaded for him to decline the offer and move in with me. I was sure that with his experience hed land a good job and we'd have it made in the shade within a few months. So, he decided to stay. We had a wonderful wedding in June. Family and friends were there and it was amazing. We moved into a small apartment near where I grew up and that first month we payed the bills with what he had in savings, but that first month turned into another, and then another. He couldnt find a job that payed more than 8 dollars and hour, and I LOST my job. Pretty soon we lost the apartment. He moved in with his aunt and I moved in with my grandmother. We were now married and living 3 hours apart-only seeing eachother on weekends. Money was tight, the bills were mounting and we were fighting all the time. The weekends we spent together would consist of the first day, and the rest of the time arguing and fighting about what to do.
I couldnt find work-neither could he. Neither one of us was willing to comprimise. It wasnt long before we were at the end of our rope. After nearly 6 months we were able to get back into a home together and actually live like the married couple we were, but there was emotional damage that was too difficult to repair. Every fight we had ended up in the same place-him resenting me for talking him out of the Army, and I resenting him for not "trying" hard enough. He become an alcoholic, a chronic cheater and was never at home. The marriage fell apart in only one year.

I cant give you advice on what you should do-I cant help you choose between your future in the Armed forces or your girlfriend. All I CAN tell you is to follow your heart. Never comprimise what You truely want to appease someone else-its never worth it. Live true to your heart and it will lead you to a path dotted with happiness and fruitful endeavors-whetehr you see it now or not.

The best of luck to both of you, hopefully things will become clearer to you in time. Take a few days or even a week without her to clear your mind and really analyze things, I bet it will help.