or no ?

[yourstruly]

as some of you may know, recently an ex boyfriend and I have started seeing each other again. I've found that I've been able to accept certain things about him now that I was unable to accept before, like the fact that he is a homebody and that he is a smoker. He's really a great person and he had always treated me well. The problem is, however, that he thinks that we should be able to more or less pick up where we left off, as far as goes. When we dated before, we had a very healthy life (daily, sometimes more). We have seen each other 5 times in the past two weeks and he keeps pressuring me for , even after I'd already told him that we were not going to have unless we got back together officially. Before we started seeing each other again he had already made a decision to move out of state. He seems to be re-thinking that issue, but he hasn't made a decision yet. So, therefore, we have not officially gotten back together.

I have to confess that we HAVE had 3 of the 5 times we've seen each other in the past 2 weeks, but I'm thinking that I shouldn't beat myself up about that because there's alot of emotions between us on both sides, coupled with the fact that we are only human and that we DO have a past together.

Even that being the case, I've told him that I do NOT want to have outside of a relationship.....I have changed alot of my ways within the recent past. If I wanted a f**kbuddy then I would have kept doing what I was doing before.

He says he is not seeing me just for the . I want to believe him but like I told him, he sure has a funny way of showing it. I don't think he is respecting me in the least bit when he doesn't stop pressuring me even after I've said no. He KNOWS I'm weak in that department.

Last night I told him that I think he is taking advantage of my weakness. But he said no. So, we'll see. It's hard for me to say no, but he knows I'm serious. He said he wasn't going to pressure me anymore, but I know him------he's going to go to the other extreme and not kiss me or touch me at all. He's going to be cold. I enjoy the making out and being close and snuggling!!! I want and need that very badly!

A guy friend of mine, when I sought his advice, asked me why can't I just relax and do it if it feels good? LMAO. Oh THAT's a good reason to have outside of a relationship isn't it. LOL. Isn't that how guys tend to look at it anyway? I'm sorry but I can't be like that.

What do y'all think about outside of a relationship? Do you think I'm beating myself up about it too much? Do you think I should relax and just go with it? Or do you think that I am to be respected for my morals?

btw, for those that don't know me, I'm in my late 30's, have been divorced for 10 years.

[eightball61]

I have to confess that we HAVE had 3 of the 5 times we've seen each other in the past 2 weeks,


To get this right, you have opened up the door to but now want to close it until you he wants a more committed relationship. You did say "I'd already told him that we were not going to have unless we got back together officially" but with this quote above I am kinda confused. :confused:


~8Ball

[yourstruly]

To get this right, you have opened up the door to but now want to close it until you he wants a more committed relationship. You did say "I'd already told him that we were not going to have unless we got back together officially" but with this quote above I am kinda confused. :confused:


~8Ball

you're right, eightball. I DID change the rules midstream, but just as I said in my post, I don't think I should beat myself up for having with him---it was all so exciting and new again---It's not like we had never slept together before---but I don't want it to turn into a f**kbuddy thing, where there's lots of but no relationship. I certainly don't want him to get comfortable, thinking he can get the goods without the committment.

I'd like to be able to see him and have a good time with no ual obligation or pressures.

If he stays and doesn't move, we'll be getting back together officially. And THEN we can enjoy a good ual relationship again.

But if he moves, then all I would have lost is time spent with him......and being proud of myself knowing that I was true to myself and not having casual with him.

[eightball61]

But you opened the gate to so now he wants it. You can't shut down the when you already accepted it. Put yourself in his shoes and tell me how you'd feel if he did this to you. Do what you feel is right though but if you shut down the then you risk losing it all. I am not saying that your sudden mind change is wrong but this is something you should have thought about before giving yourself up to him.


~8Ball

[yourstruly]

Do what you feel is right though but if you shut down the then you risk losing it all.

if I lose it all because I won't have with him, then he's not the one.

[eightball61]

if I lose it all because I won't have with him, then he's not the one.

You have now solved your problem.


Good Luck,


~8Ball

[yourstruly]

lol eightball, sometimes I just need a little help

[eightball61]

lol eightball, sometimes I just need a little help


We all need a little help from time-to-time.....lol




~8Ball

[keepsgoin]

I can't see a real point in refusing to have with your bf other than using this to try to sway him to not move. You have been having with him, why would you all of a sudden say it's not right and stop? He's not going to understand this other than if you don't want to get an std or pregnant? is something enjoyable...you're making it a prize or something? Like I said, I'm not seeing any good reason to withhold ...JMHO...

[eightball61]

You have been having with him, why would you all of a sudden say it's not right and stop?

Again, it's all about her. This may be a good reason why her current relationships have failed. I've been trying to tell her over-and-over on these boards that it isn't just about "her" but she refuses to see her as a potential problem to her current failures in relationships.

Yourstruly, you need to understand that it's not just about you. When being in a relationship you'll need to think about the other side of the fence rather than just what you want. It's perfectly "ok" to go after what "you" want but when facing a relationship with potential growth you'll need to make some adjustments to make things work.


You gave him something but now you want to take it away. Why's that??? Because you want him to be more committed to you. Relationships are not a game and you should know that. Maybe it's best to learn from this mistake and not to give yourself up to soon next time. By giving yourself up to early you basically opened the door to these current problems. Heck, we all make mistakse but you need to learn from yours rather than keep going back to them.

~8Ball

[yourstruly]

I can't see a real point in refusing to have with your bf other than using this to try to sway him to not move. You have been having with him, why would you all of a sudden say it's not right and stop? He's not going to understand this other than if you don't want to get an std or pregnant? is something enjoyable...you're making it a prize or something? Like I said, I'm not seeing any good reason to withhold ...JMHO...

thank you for replying keepsgoin. And eightball is wrong, I DON'T think it's all about me, and if he knew me in person, he wouldn't think that at all, because I am ALWAYS very communicative with friends, family and boyfriends. I always put their needs above mine. I post on this board about MY needs because that is what this board is for---to help me get what I want and need out of life.

Keepsgoin.....to try to clarify.....I honestly think that he is stringing me along for , then he will probably move out of state like he wants to. I just don't want to have with him if that's going to happen anyway. Yes I did relent and have with him since we've been seeing each other again but I have told him "no, that I didnt really want to do that" before we even started going out again. he KNOWS how I feel yet he keeps pushing me. I enjoy with him, just as I had when we were together before, but he and I were in a committed relationship before, whereas we are not right now.

[yourstruly]

You gave him something but now you want to take it away. Why's that??? Because you want him to be more committed to you. Relationships are not a game and you should know that. Maybe it's best to learn from this mistake and not to give yourself up to soon next time. By giving yourself up to early you basically opened the door to these current problems. Heck, we all make mistakse but you need to learn from yours rather than keep going back to them.

eightball, yes I DID make a mistake. And I admitted to that. But you have to remember, HE KNOWS ME. And he knows my weakness with . So that's why I've put my foot down now. It's not like I've taken anything away from him----he hasn't had it in the past year and a half from me---and trust me, he has tried to get it. If anyone is playing a game, it's him, and that's what I intend to find out. Personally I don't think he can see me without expecting . So, we'll see.

In my first post on this thread I explained my reason for having with him this time. And I also said I'm not going to beat myself up for it, and I won't. I'm only human.

[eightball61]

I'd already told him that we were not going to have unless we got back together officially.

hmmmmmm :confused: It's not about you!!! You got me fooled there but whatever because I don't want to turn this thread into another battle. You think what you want to think & I'll think what I want to think.


Best Wishes to you ;)

~8Ball

[yourstruly]

I don't want to turn this thread into another battle.

too late, you already did when you attacked me. everything was fine til you attacked me.

so......you are saying that it's okay for me to have with him while not in a relationship with him? because that is what I asked...... or no . Answer the question eightball---WITHOUT attacking me, thank you.

[eightball61]

too late, you already did when you attacked me. everything was fine til you attacked me.


I wasn't attacking you. It's called being blunt. Sorry you can't handle bluntness.....

so......you are saying that it's okay for me to have with him while not in a relationship with him? because that is what I asked...... or no . Answer the question eightball---WITHOUT attacking me, thank you.

I'm done answering you because there's no longer any point in doing so. If you can't understand me by now then I am afraid to say you never will. Take my advice the way "you" want to take it. I am just going to save my breath and these so-called attacks on you by no longer responding to your threads.


Good Luck,

~8Ball

[yourstruly]

I done answering because there's no point. If you can't understand me by now then I am afraid to say you never will. Take my advice the way "you" want to take it. For now, I am going to save my breath and these so-called attacks on you.

Sorry but I figured I would respond before you hound the boards that no one responded to you.

Good Luck with Life

forget it eightball. and even further, I'd rather you not respond to my threads anymore. as I've said to you before, no one has ever treated me like this before. We all have problems ya know.....and your "bluntness" with me is quite condescending, and I'd rather just not deal with you at all. so thanks but no thanks. I will no longer be responding to YOUR responses on my threads.

[keepsgoin]

Let me ask this, when you first started to date this man the first time you had a relationship with him...did you two have before there was a committed relationship? If not than I can see that you are consistant with your feelings about in a relationship. But if you had with him before you knew you two were committed to eachother, why change that now. Of course, I wouldn't want someone to use me for just either...if you really think this is the case than maybe you two should not go out until you know he is going to stay around.

[yourstruly]

Let me ask this, when you first started to date this man the first time you had a relationship with him...did you two have before there was a committed relationship? If not than I can see that you are consistant with your feelings about in a relationship. But if you had with him before you knew you two were committed to eachother, why change that now. Of course, I wouldn't want someone to use me for just either...if you really think this is the case than maybe you two should not go out until you know he is going to stay around.

keepsgoin....we had while dating before but we were committed to each other---does that make sense? We originally met online. And yes, while we were dating long distance, we DID have the times we saw each other in person, but we were already in a relationship at that point. Then he moved in with me and was a very big thing to both of us--everyday, sometimes more than once a day. We were together 9 months altogether---4 months of long distance dating and 5 months of living together.

the thing is......after we broke up a year and a half ago, we were still friends, we've kept in touch. He knows my weakness with saying no, because it IS a problem I have in my life. So he, if anyone, should understand that I don't want a "f**kbuddy". I'm trying to change all of that about me-----

[Rich]

For the life of me I don't understand why people equate and relationships as if one defines the other. What's that hang up and what's the big deal about ?

Yours Truly, if your relationship is hung up on this issue, then it's not mature enough to make it. If you feel that your BF is just using you for , or that your relationship is pretty much only, then that doesn't say much for it's chances for longevity. If you're looking for a LTR and this is the issues that is before you, than you're in trouble and this isn't the one.

On the other hand, if you're just looking for a BF to spend time with and have fun with, then have and let the other pieces fall into place, if they ever do. If you see that this isn't all that you're looking for, then end it and move on. It really isn't a big deal.

, intimacy and affection are all parts that go into a relationship but aren't the end all of it. And btw, a girl that likes to make out, snuggle and all of that without putting out, or holding back on on purpose is a tease.

Only you can tell what type of man that you're with. Trust your gut. If is great but you don't see all the other aspects of the relationship coming together, then move on with no regrets.

What you can't do is to say, "hey, no more until you commit to me." Either this man wants to commit to you in every way or he doesn't. as the carrot shouldn't be the way. shouldn't be the reason that a relationship is held together.

Just my two cents.

[yourstruly]

And btw, a girl that likes to make out, snuggle and all of that without putting out, or holding back on on purpose is a tease.

I do not agree with this statement.

[Rich]

OK. Instead of tease....insert Blue Ball queen.

When it's done on purpose...it is a tease.

[yourstruly]

let me show y'all what I think is a wonderful piece of advice given to me by a psychologist that is a regular on another site I post on.......

~~~~~~~~~~~

I think YOU think that not having is a way to protect yourself from hurt and disappointment and yes, from feeling used. You like , you are a ual person and the two of you have good . I don't know why you would deny yourself (and him) this pleasure when in the end, if he leaves for a new job, it will not hurt you any less.

I don't think he is using you - he doesn't sound like that kind of guy - I think he is enjoying you and I'd suggest you enjoy him too.

I think it's all a matter of persceptive. If you have and he decides to move, you can either feel as though he used you or that he enjoyed you as you did him. And, you won't be standing around wondering if you had given him the warmth and affection and he needed would he have stayed.

Personally, I'd just about give my eye teeth for a man who wanted me as he wants you.

Can't make the decision for you, but intimacy is intimacy whether or not it includes penetration and I don't know why you'd deny both of you that wonderful feeling.

Hugs...

[yourstruly]

OK. Instead of tease....insert Blue Ball queen.

When it's done on purpose...it is a tease.

not when it's communicated to the partner that they wish for not to take place.

I KNOW what a tease is, Rich. And I am NOT a tease.

damn, what ever happened to morals and values???

I am raising my 14 yr old son to respect women. And that includes waiting until he is in a committed relationship to have , not just whipping it out for every girl that he "dates".

How are you raising YOUR kids, Rich?

[Rich]

I believe in an earlier post you said that you liked to snuggle, kiss, pet and that you needed and liked that.

Well, in some circles some would consider that foreplay, which is a precursor to . I think in everyones circle, actually.

So, if you're engaging in foreplay with this man (because you need and like that) and you know that you're going to hold back on the penetration part....then yes, I would say that you're a tease.

I would bet that if you told him that you will only do foreplay, but aren't going to go all the way so that he could release, that he'd probably decline.

Oh hell....no guy would decline just foreplay because we'll risk the blue balls in the hopes that we'll get the girl all hot and she won't want to stop. Which in your case is what is happening. Maybe you need to learn about self control and will power. You also need to get over the hangups that you have and all the baggage that you attach to it.

As for the comment about my kids, I won't respond to that. I know that with "some people", that when they feel that they've been slighted, that they'll look to hurt or insult by bringing up family members. Are you proud of your reaction in that you're questioning how I raise my children? Is that they type of person you are?

Maybe you're alone for a reason.

[yourstruly]

Rich, I think you are mistaking me for some kind of , or a peice of trash, or something. I am actually a classy kind of girl. I am a mom first....my career is 2nd....and I am third. I struggle with ual decisions all the time because I am lost in a world of dating at age 38. I am not a child, nor an old hag. In dating, a lady is continuously faced with the decision of having , or not having . In my case, I would PREFER to save for actual relationships....not just dates. There's a huge difference. And if I am wrong for thinking that, then sue me. I guess it kinda goes back to the way of thinking that when a man has alot of ual partners, he's considered a stud, and when a woman has alot of ual partners, she's considered a slut. And I'm sorry, but I don't want to be a slut. Personally, I don't think anything is wrong with holding out for a relationship. And having said that----the guys who don't understand that JUST AREN'T WORTH MY TIME. I've had quite a few guys in my life that I found out weren't worth my time----and I regret sleeping with them. So if I am accused for it being "all about me", then fine, so be it.

Sure, everybody likes "making out". But it doesn't always have to lead to . You're acting like I'm some kind of self-absorbed freak----no, I'm not. I'm an adult, and if I say no, it means NO. NO does not mean MAYBE. It means NO. NO does not mean keep going after I say no and then I might change my mind. NO means NO.

May I remind you that this guy is not my boyfriend. We are just seeing each other. Again. It is all fresh and new. And I understand his position of not wanting to officially get back together yet (note I said yet because we have both agreed that if he DOES stay, we WILL get back together) because of his impending decision on whether to move out of state or not. So therefore I have asked that we not have until that decision is made. However, having received the advice and counsel of the friend/psychologist that I copied and pasted above, I may reconsider my decision, for what she has said is definetly true. And I wasn't thinking about it like that.

As for the comment about my kids, I won't respond to that. I know that with "some people", that when they feel that they've been slighted, that they'll look to hurt or insult by bringing up family members. Are you proud of your reaction in that you're questioning how I raise my children? Is that they type of person you are?

I realize, Rich, that there is no way that you can "see" the sincerity in my voice when I asked what I did. But I was sincere. It was not a stab at all---I am NOT that kind of person. But I would truly like to know how you'd raise a teenager in this day and time-----would you apply the same teachings to them as you have to me? I am curious. I would hope that you would encourage both a son and a daughter to hold out on until they are sure about a relationship, no matter what their ages.

[eightball61]

Maybe you're alone for a reason.


^^ This is the part that she fails to recognize. A person can't fix their problems until the problems are recognized. Instead she chooses to argue the facts unless someone is in agreement with her. These issues will not go away until reality is being seen.

Is there hope though? Sure, I think there is hope but unfortunately we can't help under these conditions....Only she can help herself.


~8Ball

[yourstruly]

This message is hidden because eightball61 is on your ignore list.

sorry eightball, it shows that you posted but I put you on ignore as of this morning. I don't care to know what you think. Good luck with your life :)

[eightball61]

I don't care to know what you think.

Since when??? You still responded to me...lol


Good Luck,


~8Ball

[Rich]

I think from what you wrote that No means maybe. You say no to this guy but somehow you keep having with him and he knows this. It's why he doesn't stop when you half heartedly say no. And it is half hearted because if you actually MEANT it, then you wouldn't have .

He doesn't take you serious because you don't take yourself serious. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

As for my children I will be open and honest with them about . I will NOT tell them to "hold out". I will instruct them on how to protect themselves and what to expect.

By holding out all that you're doing is adding more pressure and linking relationships and in that if you have with someone, then you have to be with them.

What you fail to realize is that does not make a relationship. It's just an ingrediant of it.

I also feel that you've very insecure and lack self confidence. Please don't infer what I mean or put words in my mouth as to what I think of you, or call you. I never wrote , white trash or anything else for that matter other than tease.

Slow it down a notch yours truly, the world isn't out to get you. Nor am I. Instead of lashing out when you don't like what is heard, try reviewing it for its merits and if it doesn't fit you, then respectfully state that you disagree.

And btw...why do you care what the world thinks of you? Do you live your life by what others might think of you? You said that you wouldn't want people to call you or think of you as a slut. Are people that into your personal life that they know your bedroom comings and goings?

Live your life for you. If you want to have with a guy, then have with him. It's just pleasure. Like having a drink or something.

If you want a LTR than don't put all this pressure around the issue. Let it jsut happen naturally. Hopefully you have a list of what it will take to have a great relationship and checkoff that list as you're dating someone. If someone isn't adding to your checklist, then drop him. Hopefully there's more on the list than just and taking you out to dinner and a movie.

[yourstruly]

geeesh, I always feel like I am trying to defend myself on this board, lol. I am guess I AM on the defense because I am strong willed and strong minded. But us strong personality types need help too----but I think most people don't know how to talk to someone like me. The peice of advice that I posted from another forum----she knows how to talk to me. She has never ever been crass or condescending with me. And I appreciate and value her opinions. So therefore I do not get defensive with her.

Anyway,

My guy and I had a long talk. I needed assurance from him that he wasn't just seeing me for the good life that he knew we always used to have. I guess I felt I was being used because he is not a "go places" kind of guy. He's been working 14 days straight, so all we've done is sit around and watch tv and movies, we haven't been anywhere. No dinner or anything. He's a very simple kind of guy. I REALIZE that, but I just felt as if he was just inviting me over for . Anyway, we talked about it all, and he said he couldn't believe that I would even think that, after all we've been thru. He said that he would have already asked me to get back together had he already made the decision to stay instead of move out of state, but that decision is still up in the air and he wanted to be fair to me instead of leading me on. So, I totally respect him on that.

I think any girl in my situation would have wondered the same thing.......so I'm not going to beat myself up for it.

He DID say I had been sending mixed signals tho. I first said no, then that turned into a yes, then I said no again, then it was a maybe, then it was a yes again. I mean what guy WOULDN'T be confused? haha. It is true that I start to withhold when I feel I am being used for enjoyment purposes only. Sorry it's a hangup I've had because I've had a few guys like that in my life, unfortunately.

to me means relationship. I may be wrong for thinking that....but I am not in the "mindset" of casual currently, and I'm not going to apologize for it either.

I DO care what people think about me to a certain extent. That's just the way I am. It's funny-----my son is the total opposite. He's 14 and couldn't care less about what other people think of him. lol.

Maybe I'm so concerned because I know that in the past I WAS a slut. I was married from 19-28, but somehow I've managed to have with 82 men. Tell me....am I a slut?

And yes I do have a list of wants and needs. My guy meets everything except I really wish for my partner to be a non-smoker and more of a socialite. But as I said in my first post on this thread, I've learned to accept that he's not, whereas in our relationship before, I didn't.

We are going to see each other tonight......and he's quitting his job on Sunday, so we will see what happens.......wish me luck.

[Rich]

Yours truly....you are defensive, that's true.

IMO you really should seek counseling. First of all, having with 82 guys isn't the norm and it's dangerous.

Secondly, who the hell keeps count anyway.

You have hang ups in more ways than one and it needs to be professionally addressed.

Just my opinion.

Good luck

[yourstruly]

lol Rich, I've known several women that have "kept count". Maybe men dont, I dunno....lol.

That number may be a bit off....I think I posted my # awhile back on another thread, it's not like I have it written down somewhere or something.

counseling? been there, done that, sold the stained t shirt in a yard sale :)

hangups? yes. trying to work thru them? yes. I'm not giving up. My introspective-ness will surely pay off one day!

thanks for your help, however.



Yours truly....you are defensive, that's true.

IMO you really should seek counseling. First of all, having with 82 guys isn't the norm and it's dangerous.

Secondly, who the hell keeps count anyway.

You have hang ups in more ways than one and it needs to be professionally addressed.

Just my opinion.

Good luck

[sherrylynn75]

Good lord I haven't met 82 men in my 30 years of living I would even considering touching much less have with!!! I don't blame you for wanting to hold out on . I myself do the same thing, I will date a guy but until I know that I want to be with him then I won't have with him. BUT he knows that from the beginning. I don't play yes then no then maybe. It's no from the beginning and if I chose to change that answer it's on me there are no mixed signals. I'm not saying I don't have for the pleasure but I personally feel that giving myself to a man is my choice i'm not going to be pressured into it but i'm also not going to feel guilty and give an F what anyone else would think if I do chose to give in. I agree with Rich you are putting way too much emphasis on with a relationship. The too do not go hand in hand. If it feels good you've already been there and you enjoy it then why the hell not do it??

[Rich]

Not to pry and we don't know who you are anyway, but what did the couselor say about your ual issues?

What was the outcome of your counseling? Did you stop? Did you get diagnosed? What's up?

[yourstruly]

Rich, my belief is that counseling is a private matter, however to answer your questions, I will say that I have only undergone personal counseling twice----once during the first year of my marriage, second being the last week of my marriage (9 years later). Then in early 2003 after my son refused to see his dad and stepmom and began living solely with me, I attended counseling with him for 4 months. I have not received any kind of counseling detailed specifically about , but I did attend an SAA meeting once and felt that I did not compare to the others there.

It is my belief that is a benefit of a committed relationship. I was raised in a Christian home with morals and values. I lost my virginity at 16, 6 months into a committed relationship with the man I later married when I was 19. I even went to my parents and asked them if I could get on bc pills BEFORE I had .

In my life I have had a lot of , most of it brought on by the fact that I have been online and chatting for 10 years now. Cyberspace has always been real to me, probably because I first got my start with it chatting on AOL in the local chatrooms and we all used to get together on the weekends and go out.

I've "been there, done that" with going with the flow and having for the enjoyment factor......I'm over that now. It's old.

In committed relationships, is a big thing for me, because I am a very ual person. I can't (and never will) practice celibacy, lol. Because to me, a relationship will not work if the is not good.

I admit that I've confused for love before. Not so much now, but I used to. And also I admit to having with a guy in order to "keep him". Big mistake.

If you were to ask my friends and my co-workers and my family their opinion of me-----they would probably tell you that I am a strong person, strong-willed, smart, funny, a good friend, dedicated, ambitious, a leader, organized.

If you were to ask my ex-husband his opinion of me----he would probably tell you that I'm stupid, bossy, careless, and manipulative. (keeping in mind that he has not known me for about 8 years now).

If you were to ask certain ex-boyfriends their opinion of me----there's a few that would tell you that they didn't deserve me. There's a few that would tell you that I'm too picky. There's a few that would tell you that I just wasn't the right one for them.

All in all-----I'm just a normal woman lost in a dating world at age 38, struggling to find a happy medium as far as and love goes. I'd like to have both at the same time. But judging from what I see out there----that doesn't seem to be an attainable goal.

[ladybutterfly99]

i have to agree with eighthball ,u opened the door for so that is all he is wanting!! You can tell him that you want an relationship as well as the , but not just a shag buddy !! If he can't except that ,then you can move on ,and tell him you want more ,and if he can't give it you will find it elsewhere!!

[yourstruly]

I've actually become a tad bit passive with him lately--not as assertive--not as demanding of a decision from him. In return, he's been calling me, messaging me more on the computer. He's asked me over several times, of which I have only gone once, and yes we did have . Hey, what can I say, it's awesome . But if he cannot committ to me because he hasn't made a decision about whether he is staying in state or moving out of state or not, then I certainly can't committ to any regularity as far as goes. lol. It works both ways.

[cari]

I don't know why everybody is making you feel that because you opened the door for that means you can't change your mind at a later point. ??? It's your body and you can do whatever you want with it, especially if you feel strongly about the issue!! You make the rules as to who has access to your body in what circumstances. Don't let anybody let you feel guilty about this.

I don't know your personal history, but I think your reasons for not having are quite valid. I think nowadays our attitudes towards are so casual and frivolous - people probably feel you're making a big deal about nothing. But imo, is a significant act - if you see it as something that should only be cherished in a committed relationship then feel free to let your friend know that and act accordingly, whether or not you may be seen as 'changing the rules midstream'. That's your choice. Don't feel pressured into doing something you're not comfortable with!

[yourstruly]

thank you for that, cari. I feel, as a woman, that who I give of my body to is a very important decision. And even if I decide to sleep with a guy, I have every right to stop if I feel it's being done for the wrong reasons or just has the wrong agenda.

with him is very good---it always was. But the whole issue here is the fact that I don't want to just have with a guy---I don't wanna do it just because it feels good. I want the whole shabbang!

so, now the update: After seeing him again, for 5 and a half weeks, he still hadn't made a decision about whether he was staying here in town or moving (his last day on his job was the 6th of January), I told him that I honestly didn't see us seeing each other again and building up false hope until he knew what he was going to do for sure. Since then he has messaged me on the computer a few times, and asked me out also.

What gets me is that I don't understand why he's taking so long to make a decision. From what I can tell, he's not making any plans to move. But he hasn't gotten another job yet here either. *shrugs* I dunno.

Why should I wait around on him? Answer: I shouldn't. I have other guys on my dance card :) I really like him, and I USED to love him, and it could be that way again, but if he's having such a hard time making a decision, then I just may not be around when he finally does.

[Kii]

hey there...I have to say, after being in many relationships and many of them "waiting" for the person to sort their sh*t out...I have realized life is too short. Remember you are in charge of your own destiny and you have the choice to participate in what you like :) Never forget that. I think you are a strong person, by the sounds of it...you will sort it out and what was meant to be, will be...sorry to sound like a cliche!