just can't get over it...

[shai]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years, and living with him for a year now. We met online (I'll spare the details) and started a long distance relationship. I saw him about once a month when I'd travel to his place for a weekend... we were about 4 1/2 hrs apart, so wasnt too bad of a trip.

One weekend I was up we went to dinner. As we were holding hands across the table, I was playing with 2 rings he was wearing on his right hand. One was a pinky ring, no issue there. The other ring however was a wedding band style ring. He told me the story of how it was a friendship ring, and a friend in FL (where a mutual friend of ours lives) had a matching one. The problem... this friend is female.

To make a long story short(er), we have had many arguements over his female friend and the fact they wear matching rings. Even our mutual friend took my side on that. He bought the rings before he met me... but didn't give her hers until a trip he made to FL after he and I started dating. At one point the girl told him that she wanted to "ease up" in their friendship, and he so totally depressed over that. Prior to that they'd tell each other "I love you" and sign emails/letters with "hugs & kisses".

To bring it more up to date, he still wears his ring, and even called it a wedding band one day at work when he lost it and was describing it to others to find it. She however gave her ring to our mutual friend, and he currently has it. I have no idea how often they talk, as he refuses to talk to me about her.

Am I over-reacting? Should I stop worrying about it? Every time I notice the ring on his finger, it hurts, even tho last I heard their relationship was no longer as close as it used to be. I don't try to bring it up to him anymore, and when I did in the past it was a "She's my friend and nothing more, deal with it" type thing.

[shade]

shai, I can understand how hurt you would be, and personaly I would have him choose the ring or me.

It's a good sign that the other girl has given the ring back, I think she has done all she can to make your boyfriend be aware of how she feels about the whole situation.

Try to go to councelling together, he may just be unaware of how much he is hurting you.

[Diablo]

If they were just friends, why did she give her ring back? She smelled a rat and dumped him. You can probably have him if you want him. He probably started out by dating both of you and might actually think that he hasn't done anything wrong.
Whether he did or not, single men ordinarily don't wear wedding rings unless they're trying to turn women on. There are a lot of women who are attracted to married men and I'm thinking about getting a wedding band myself because of it. No. You didn't actually read that. Go on to the next post.

[Rich]

No offense, 8-ball, but the counseling. I can see married people going to counseling to save a marriage, but not people who are just dating. If people are just dating and they need counseling, then it doesn't bode well for the relationship and at that point, why bother?

This guy has feelings for this other girl and the other girl gave back the ring. I agree with Diablo, that the other girl got wise to him dating this girl and dumped him.

If his heart blongs to another, then let him go and move on to find someone that will give you his heart only.

[eightball61]

No offense, 8-ball, but the counseling.


Hey Rich,

If you look at the sceen-names it wasn't me that posted the suggesting about counseling. This is my first actual post in this thread...lol





shai, I don't think you are over-reacting at all. They would tell each other "I love you" and typically when those words are expressed then that means there's feelings there. She gave the ring back but he continues not to see reality.

You need to make a choice to whether there's a future with this guy or not. You need his input on if he wants a future as well. Tell him that you trust him but you can't carry a future with this ring on his finger. This ring has a meaning of more than a friendship and this is why he needs to make a choice. They can still talk but he needs to progress in making this relationship more and if he can't do that then you need to let him go.


~8Ball

[Rich]

Sorry, 8-Ball, you're right, that wasn't you. My apologies.

[eightball61]

Sorry, 8-Ball, you're right, that wasn't you. My apologies.


We all make mistakes.........It's all good ;)



~8Ball

[Rich]

No they still can't talk. It's not a "friendship". He has feelings for this other girl.

You shouldn't have to force anyone to do anything. He should not want to talk to this girl on his own.

Why can't he have the friendship with his GF that he feels that he has with this other girl? Again, though, he has deeper feelings for this other girl and is just calling it a friendship.

Here's another rule for relationships. You shouldn't have to force someone to do something for you. If an issue affects either party in relationship and it's raised, then the person doing the thing that upsets the other should want like crazy on their own to stop that behavior / issue. There should be no forcing because forcing is to make someone do something that they really don't want to do. Then resentment grows.

[eightball61]

No they still can't talk. It's not a "friendship". He has feelings for this other girl.

You shouldn't have to force anyone to do anything. He should not want to talk to this girl on his own.

.


In that case, the best option is for her to move on. You're saying it's not good to force but then he shouldn't be talking with this girl. She can't force them not to talk so all she can do is let them be while she moves on with her life.

I agree though that you can't force someone to do something. You can suggest a change though. If no change occurs through compromising then it may be best just to move on.


~8Ball

[shai]

Just to add to my first post...

He wears the ring on his ring finger on the right hand, so not exactly like a wedding band. However, it's a rare moment for him to leave the house w/out it (even for a 5 min trip to the store), where he will leave his other ring at home often enough.

I'm confused over it because he said he bought them before he and I ever started talking even. He swears it's nothing more than friendship, and says they could never have a relationship (her religion/culture forbids her to marry or have a relationship outside of it.. tho she has broken that w/out her family's knowledge).

Personally I think they had feelings for each other (at least he did for her) but were unable to act on them, so the "friendship" stands for it.

Honestly that isn't the only problem our relationship has had. This relationship has been by far the worst I've been in when it's come to getting along... I just couldn't figure out if it was all me or not. The rings have just been the one main thing that has bugged me since I found out about it.

Thanks for all the advice guys :)

[eightball61]

Honestly that isn't the only problem our relationship has had. This relationship has been by far the worst I've been in when it's come to getting along...




Why not just move on & find someone that you're more happy and/or compatible with?


~8Ball