is it so wrong?

[boy1086]

ok, I typed the whole story out before, and then I clicked "preview post" and it closed down...so if you need more detail, email me. boy1086@comcast.net

so, I'm 18 and I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 years now, and we were great for a while. lately, however, there has been something missing. not intimately, but just something in general. So I met this other girl, and she has that thing that I need, and I think it's that this new girl has fun all the time and is always smiling. My girlfriend likes to keep things under control, and when I question her, she gets offended and pissed at me. I need a little more freedom, and I get that from this new girl. the way I'm not getting cought is my girlfriend goes to a different school, and only knows people in my school through me, and this new girl goes to my school. So to make a long story short, this new girl has become a "friend with benefits". all we've done so far is kiss, and I walk her to class every period, and, like I said before, she's always smiling. my friend with benefits knows about my girlfriend, but my girlfriend doesn't know about my friend with benefits. I want to continue with my girlfriend, but I also need to have what is missing to be happy.

What should I do? and is what I'm doing so bad?

[denimandpearls]

Wow, I remember being in a situation JUST like yours when i was about 17, verbatum actually. I know how you feel and what you are going through. So, heed an older womans words on this and take it from there. My advice isnt the gospel, just speaking from experience.

THE PROBLEM: You say something is missing. Its not entirely possible for me to help without knowing what that "thing" is. You talk about freedom or maybe spontinaety? Everyone is different and enjoys life differently, but, at 18 the general attitude is "I just want to have fun and see where life takes me!" No doubt that if your girlfriend is serious and analytical this can be a bit frustrating. It may not be that your girlfriend gets "pissed" at you FOR questioning, maybe its just the way you do it. No one wants to feel that their partner/lover/significant other is UNHAPPY with who they are. Each person has to be true to themselves and feel their partner is satisfied too. More than likey you two just have differing personalities and ideals, which is completely normal.

THE NEW GIRL: If this girl makes you happy, than I am happy on your behalf. Its great to find a kindred spirit in someone, and its often hard to do. HOWEVER, I would really invest some time and thought into it before diving in wholeheartedly. It takes more than a nice smile and a well placed joke to make the grounds for a relationship, even just a dating relationship. Really invest the time to get to know HER. What is her family like? What are her goals? Morals? Hobbies? Things that will ultimately effect you if you were her boyfriend.

DONT BE NIEVE: Eventually in life you will learn this lesson in your own way, but, I'll give you the heads up anyway. No matter how clever you are, no matter how "safe" you think your secrets are, no matter who claims they wont say a word, YOU WILL GET CAUGHT. Just because your girlfriend and your new squeeze go to different schools doesnt magically erect a pitch black wall that keeps your girlfriend from finding out. Now, you arnt married so it isnt like she can sue you or divorce you, but it will hurt-BADLY. One way or another she WILL discover what is going on, and then you will ultimately have to cope with the consequences. Maybe she will overhear something you say to a friend, maybe a mutual friend will let something slip, maybe someone you thought you could trust you relaly cant. Its enevitable. At some point you will be caught red handed-PERIOD.

DO THE RIGHT THING: If you truely feel that you no longer are happy with your girlfriend, then its obvious you have to make the choice to break up. You are 18, you dont yet have to committ to anything long term, and God forbid you spend the first years of your independent life strapped down to someone you cant even get along with. BUT FIRST, cool things off with your secret partner. Tell her that the two of you need to just back off for a week or so to give you time to resolve and clean up issues with your soon to be ex. Its not only a courtesy to your girlfriend, but to the new one as well. After all, if your NEW girlfriend sees that you can easily CHEAT on your current girl, what will stop her from believeing you could do the same thing to her in another few months? Keep things clean and decent, dont start a pattern this early in life. Be respectful and try to do the right thing. Make a clean break with your girlfriend. Let her know how you have been feeling and dont accuse. Dont point out her mistakes or faults and none of your own. Make it a "mutual" blame scenario. You may not want to mention your new girl, either, in case you were curious. And dont run right out after the breakup and grab your new girlfriend. give yourself a week to clear the air.
Stop KISSING your new girl until your unfinished business is done, okay? Respect your girlfriend the same way YOU would want to be respected.


Lisa

[boy1086]

Thank you lisa. I read your post after the fact however. I broke up with her yesterday (sunday) over lunch. I did do it in person, because I am not going to be a and do it over the phone or online. You hit just about every nail RIGHT on the head.

"but, at 18 the general attitude is "I just want to have fun and see where life takes me!" No doubt that if your girlfriend is serious and analytical this can be a bit frustrating. "

you have no idea how right you are here. It has been SOOO frustrating the past day...only 1 day...and I'm stressed out beyond belief right now.

"Really invest the time to get to know HER. What is her family like? What are her goals? Morals? Hobbies? Things that will ultimately effect you if you were her boyfriend."

It's interesting that you bring this up. I had a semi-formal on Saturday, and my girlfriend was sick, so I told her she should just stay home and rest, and I ended up taking Lara (the new girl) because I'm not going to sit at home and wish I was there. Lara and I had LOADS of fun, but before the dance, I went to pick her up and meet her parents. Her parents apparently like me a lot, and hope she takes her chances and dates me. Also, I have A LOT of respect for her right off the bat, because instead of diving into a relationship, we're talking about things we both want out of a relationship, and concerns we have. No other time in my life have I done this.

"At some point you will be caught red handed-PERIOD."

Actually, when we talked AFTER I broke up with her, she said she finds it hard to believe that there isn't another girl. I had been advised to tell her about Lara after she's had time to cool down, so I didn't tell her about Lara. She asked me this enough times that it ended up getting on my nerves BIG time, so I said "Ok, so what u wanna hear is that I brought Lara to the dance, drove her both ways, and kissed her goodnite when I dropped her off, rite?" to which she replied, "if it's the TRUTH" and I said "If you wanna HEAR the truth!" so she knows...

thanks again for your advice, and please know this is the only time I've ever "cheated" on anyone...I only did it because I was not happy in my relationship, and I knew I had a future with Lara.

Jon