Are my standards to high? Or are HIS? HELP ME!

[denimandpearls]

Dave and I met online in August of this year. I moved 3000 miles to begin a relationship with someone I hardly knew. We love eachother very much, but there are a few things that bother me, and I wonder if my standards are too hig or if HIS are. You tell me, ok?
Dave and I are both Christian people, not PERFECT ones, in fact-far from. When we began our relationship initially we were making love on a regular basis. It was only a short time ago that he expressed to me that he wanted to abstain and had felt guilty for having premarital . So, because I love him and I want to persue a future, I respected this wish and have made a concious effort to abstain-so far so good by the way. But, he has brought up things that seem sp trivial to me as well. He has told me that he feels we are "spiritually unequally yoked" or that he feels that he has a "dependence" on me which ist healthy or the way a truely "God-like" relationship should be. I could go on and on, but it is obvious to me that he truely BELIEVES that to make a relationship work both people have to be nearly mirror images of eachother, alike in nearly every possible way. He doesnt believe that opposites attract or that differences are what make relationships interesting. The foundations, morals ect should be the same, but little things shouldnt need to be identicle. Should they? Every time he asks me a question and I answer honestly, i feel like I am being graded. A scale so to speak and each answer or thing I do is adding a grain of rice to one side or the other.
I wondered what your take on this is. Is he really committed as he says? (he says he WANTS to marry me although at this point it is just talk).
Why is he GRADING me? Im terrified. I love him with all my heart. What does it mean and what should I do?

[bassoon86]

hey.. I can sort of relate to most that you are saying. My ex-boyfriend (wow.. that still hurts to say that.. and its been a week almost)... we didnt have premarital or anything.. we didnt even go past holding hands... mind you.. there wasnt a lot of time to. Anyways... when me and my ex broke up.. one of the reasons he brought up was because we were "unequally yoked" and not "spiritually compatible". My ex felt the same way with the foundation and stuff like that.. and I agree to a certain point as well. Mind you.. my b/f didnt want to break up with me until his roommate (a teacher at his church) was hounding him and telling him he couldnt date me. This is kinda scary... he says he wants to marry you.. mine said that if we were spiritually compatible that hed jump at the chance to marry me as well. I wonder if its because they are getting to far ahead of themselves and really missing whats going on around them. Hes grading you because.. he like many I know believe that marriage is for life.. and doesnt want to make a bad decision.. if he makes a bad decision... he cant go back. Give him time.. thats what Im doing to my ex... just wait it out and see what happens.. thats all you really can do I think.. .I still love my ex with all my heart.

[eightball61]

He is committed to his religion..Even though you both are not perfect christians he obeys the law of his religion deeply. In a relationship you both will have to work together to work on things.

You have infact respected his wishes but since all this came into play your thoughts are being alter by thinking he is testing you to see if you are good enough. These thoughts can ruin a relationship if you allow them to get in the way. The best form here is communicate these feelings on being graded by him and let him know you want to work things out. You have to tell him you respect his religious efforts but you feel its getting in the way of some stuff and you want to work it out.

[CalistaClap]

I agree with Eightball. You are doing the right thing by standing by his decision to respect his religion.

But also, I don't think that he is right for thinking that if you aren't totally alike then it cant work. There are many many MANY marriages out there that have survived the long haul and the partners are very different.

It's great that he is respecting his religion, but I think he may be looking too far into it. He needs to respect you too.

[meeka]

He has told me that he feels we are "spiritually unequally yoked" or that he feels that he has a "dependence" on me which ist healthy or the way a truely "God-like" relationship should be. I could go on and on, but it is obvious to me that he truely BELIEVES that to make a relationship work both people have to be nearly mirror images of eachother, alike in nearly every possible way. He doesnt believe that opposites attract or that differences are what make relationships interesting. The foundations, morals ect should be the same, but little things shouldnt need to be identicle. Should they? Every time he asks me a question and I answer honestly, i feel like I am being graded. A scale so to speak and each answer or thing I do is adding a grain of rice to one side or the other.
I read your post and the main thing that concerned me was that fact that he expects you to be identical! I agree with you that it is not necessary to be a clone of your partner! well you've lived different lives and surpisingly happen to be different people, so what is the likelihood that you would think and see things the same way? I don't think that I would want to fall in love with my twin, because I think that I'm a nice person and all :D but I'd have to listen to myself! :eek: ! you don't need to think the same or feel the same for everything to be in a good relationship! I personally feel that differences in modes of thinking and personality are healthy and should be celebrated! as long as you share core values that are important to you both and as long are you are happy and fulfilled! At times you'll need to rely on each others strengths when things get tough and this can be difficult if you are identical? Just because you are not the same it doesn't meant that cannot both make valuable contributions to the relationship! Why worry about exactly how equal things are because this is fluid! as this will continually change! Unless thare is a major discrepancy!
In life sometimes the most that we can do is to be ourselves and it's fantastic when you have someone that actually loves and accepts you for just who you are! warts and all! :eek: ! LOL! I feel that you would need to work this out before thinking about getting married!