desperatly in need of some advice

[queenofshade]

i am a new member to this site, and i am very excited to hear objective thoughts to my issues. i have been in a commited relationship for four and half years, and am feeling very empty about the whole experience!! (how horrible is that to say outloud as i am typing.) i have lived with this man for four years and i feel as tho i am getting the run around. anyways some things are really eating at me and would like to talk to anyone who would like to! Thanks for reading my post, and any advice on the situation would be greatly smiled upon.

[Rich]

Hi Queenofshade and welcome to the forum.

My views on relationships are pretty straight forward and simple. It's the unwillingness to face reality that sometimes makes things more difficult.

IMO in any relationship you need to view where you are in life and where you want to go. You also need to review who you are, who your partner is and who you want to be.

Ask yourself this. Are you happy? If not, why not? What's your view of an acceptable relationship to you? What's lacking in your relationship in relation to that view? Can it change to be that way?

Belive it or not, sometimes in life the answers come down to just yeses or no's.

Here's a scenario that I see quite often.

Q- Are you happy? A- No
Q- Do you love your partner? A- I love them but I am not in love with them.
Q- Do you think that you can fall back in love with them? A- No.
Q- Do you even want to try to fall back in love with them? A- No.
Q- Then why are you staying? A - Because: I don't want to date, I'm afraid to be alone, we have children, what would my friends and family think, we've been together so long, I don't want to pay child support, I couldn't make it on my own, leaving is hard, don't want to hurt my partner.

Does any of that sound familiar?

You see it all the time where people aren't happy but they stay in their unhappy situation because.... And ultimately is that the way to live? Does good ever come of it? Is that LIVING or EXISTING?

In the end it all comes down to happiness. YOUR happiness. All souls desire to be happy. There's a reason why the world feels alive when you're happy and in love and that's because that's how it's supposed to be.

It's very simple, you can either chose to stay in your current situation, work to make it better or to leave it. Ultimately that's what it comes down to. But you need to make the choice that's best for you. Not the choice that your partner wants, or that your friends or family wants. But what your heart wants. You have the power to do what's right for your life.

Notice that I didn't mention children right above. That's because having children present in a relationship adds a level of complexity that doesn't exist if they're not present. Everyones views on children and marriage differ. You have to see what's right for you.

Back in the day most women stayed married because of the children. Nowaday's there's a lot more divorce. Who is to say what the right answer is? Do you stay married and have the children grow up in an unhappy home or do you get divorced and have them affected by that? Every case is different.

It's my own personal view and what I consult about, that when you decide to get married and act like an adult, that you then must act like an adult. And being an adult is about doing what's right. That we don't always have to like something, but that if it's the right thing to do, then we have to do it.

It's the same thing about relationships. No one partner should spring something on the other partner (like divorce). That there should be communication all the way through (good and bad). Issues need to be looked at and addressed in an adult fashion. Life isn't always good news and the ability to talk to your partner at all times is a must.

I feel that two people should be able to openly discuss both the good and the bad about their relationship and adultly accept what is being said. To view what exist between them and to discuss what can be done about it. That realizing a relationship takes two people giving fully of themselves and that if the other can't, or doesn't want to do that anymore, then it's time to move on. That relationships start and relationships end. That mistakes are made and that it doesn't mean that the other person is evil or bad. That the decision to end a relationship should be mutual and if children are present, then the first and most thought of consideration is the mental and physical well being of those kids. That even though the relationship is ending, that it is still BOTH parents responsibility to take care of the children.

Instead what we have are relationships where no communication takes place, nor the want to communicate, a person stays but is unhappy and the relationship deteriorates to where there's nothing but hatred and animosity that exist. It's at those times where most relationships end. Does anyone think a divorce can be amicable when feelings are what they are? Of course not.

Then the children are used as weapons to hurt the other individual and it's all out war. Is that best for the kids? Was staying the answer?

Ultimately the heart wants to be happy and it will always lead you there. It might be sudden or it might take years, but you will finally make the decsion that you've been avoiding. The questions are how long are you willing to wait, be unhappy and what will the emotional, mental and physical price be at the end of that wait?

Trust your heart, Queenofshade. It'll steer you in the right direction. It might not seem easy and probably won't be, but it will be the right decision for YOU.

Rich

www.awesomerelationships.com

[princecharming]

On the surface, our situations have a striking resemblance. I am new to this site and I too have been in a relationship for 4.5 years and have lived with my girlfriend for 4 years. We started out being more in love than I thought humanly possible. We clicked like no two people I have ever encountered. We could complete each others thoughts and sentences almost from the start. Now, things are less than perfect. We argue a lot, we don't have much fun together anymore, and we seem less compatible. She has several kids, works very hard, and has an ex husband that makes the biggest jerks in the world look like saints! I am reasonably easy going, don't get upset easily, and always try to do what is best and what is right. Anyway, just thought I would respond to your post to let you know that there are other people out there with situations similar to yours. Just reading your post and typing this response has somehow helped me a bit. Good luck. Perhaps I'll hear back from you.