Am I wrong...?

[Muse]

Hi, people. I'm new here. I have a question about something that's really bothering me...


My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to a year now. About six or seven months ago, he and I got into an argument about him spending the night at our friend "Nancy"'s house. "Nancy" has been a friend of mine for three years and is my boyfriend's "best friend". The argument we had was about the fact that I found it extremely inappropriate for him to spend the night in the house (and in the same room, him "in a chair" and her "on the couch next to [him]") with another girl (a girl who also happens to be taken).

At the time he told me that I was being ridiculous and that he won't stop doing it, even though it makes me uncomfortable.

In the time since then, "Nancy" has cheated on her boyfriend at least three times. So, a couple of weeks ago, I find out he and "Nancy" were going to be spending several nights together this week (our friend "Heather" and her family were going out of town and asked them to watch the house), alone in our friend's house. I expressed my feelings again, saying I didn't like this and, again, felt it to be inappropriate and that it really hurt my feelings.

Again, he told me that he was still going to do it, and, sure enough, he's been staying over there nearly every night for the past four or five nights.

I've asked several other people (friends, as well as my parents) about this, and they all say I am right, but they also say that I'm "naive" in believing that nothing has happened/is happening between my boyfriend and "Nancy". A few have said I should break up with him.

Am I wrong in thinking this situation to be inappropriate? Am I overreacting in being hurt by this? Any advice would be appreciated.

[eightball61]

Hey Muse :D


Its all about trust here.... The thing is though to make a good relationship work he has to work with you to and not always against. He could have just spent a nice over there rather than all week making you go through this.

I prey that nothing is going to happen but you have to trust him. I don't know what it is though but something is making him want to go over and I think thats whats making you feel this way. You friend has cheated also which makes things harder on you.

You both need to compromise here and he has to stop being so stubborn if he wants this relationship to last.

[Rich]

Trust is very important I agree with 8ball on that. But your boyfriend also needs to put you and your relationship first before that of him and his friend Nancy.

There are unknowns here, like how old you are and if you've talked about getting engaged and married.

If you and your BF are still young (under 23) and aren't near talking about marriage then he might feel that he doesn't have to put you first and risk his friendship with Nancy.

You mentioned that you started dating a year ago but that you knew Nancy from 3 years ago. How long has your BF known Nancy? Did he meet her through you? If they've been friends for a long, long time then maybe his choice is to keep their friendship first until he knows more of where you two are going. If he met her through you and THEY'VE become best friends, then beware. You should have become his best friend before her.

If you're just dating him with no mariage in your future and this bothers you, then break up with him.

If you're just dating him with no mariage in your future and this bothers you but you'll accept it, then stay with him.

If you're talking marriage and he still puts Nancy first, then break up with him because he has no concept of priorities and your marriage will not work.

A little more detail and we can help you further.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[CalistaClap]

EEK!

That would make me nervous too.

To be truthful, if I were you, I don't think that I could handle it. Given her permiscusas (spelling?) background, it really makes you wonder.

Question: How old are you, and how serious are you two?

If my b/f wanted to stay overnight at a mutual friends house, then I would expect to be there also. If not, either he doesn't go, or we aren't together.

Just how I would handle it.

Plus, spending one night with her alone (ever) is bad enough, but to be spending 4-5 nights at a time is a bit much for someone in a "relationship". He doesn't seem to be thinking of you at all. If you were to stay overnight at a guy friends house as much as he did to her house, would he stay with you?

I would really think the whole reltionship through if I were you.

[Muse]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.


To answer some questions:

I'm 20, and he's 21. I was friends with the other girl longer than he was, but we've both known her for about the same amount of time. We're very serious (talk of marriage has come up, but not in the extremely near future).

The general consensus amongst my close friends and, especially, my mother is that I'm an idiot for believing that nothing is going on between them and that I should break up with him for "not choosing [me] over [her]." In some ways I feel that way, but at the same time I want to be able to trust him and believe him.

When we talked about this a week or so ago, I told him what my friends had said. He responded by saying that he hates my friends and is sorry that they're "so cynnical." He started crying, too.

At the time I thought he was crying because he was telling the truth and just upset, but then I thought about it some more. I can usually tell when people are lying, and, in several cases, when I've caught people in big lies, they start crying (a sort of defense mechanism, if you will).

I still don't know what to do about it. He's still staying over there, and I'm still upset.

[eightball61]

my mother is that I'm an idiot for believing that nothing is going on between them and that I should break up with him for "not choosing [me] over [her]." .


There is a point to draw the line though and thats what you are trying to work at. Nobody like to choose and he may be one of those but if he wants to keep a relationship then he will have to respect you a little more than he has.

You both can compromise (if he's willing) in many ways. One way is that he can continue the friendship but not sleep over. I really see no point of that unless he is drinking alot. She is not a good person and you know that. He has to work with the relationship and not against it.

[Muse]

We talked/argued about it again last night. Again, it got us absolutely nowhere.

He told me: "I'm going to spend the night at friends' houses, guy or girl. I'm not going to stop sleeping over at "Nancy's" and if I get asked to sleep over at someone's house with "Nancy," then I'm going to do it if I want to. I'm going to do what I want to do."

It really hurt my feelings. And I even considered breaking it off with him then. But I kept thinking "Maybe I can get over it. Maybe I won't get so jealous when he does it again."

We got off the phone with this still unresolved, really. I feel really sick about the whole thing.

[eightball61]

I am sorry to hear that you got know where and he truelly doesn't show respect. he has demanded that he is going to continue this. To me I see more to it because there is something that is making him want to spend more time with sleeping over other peoples houses and not your....very stubborn. :mad:

[CalistaClap]

How do you think that he would react with you staying at another guys house all of the time? Be truthful. Maybe you should even ask him that.

He is not showing you any respect at all. What are somethings that are keeping you with him? Besides the fact that you put so much time into it, and the fact you love him?

[Rich]

Muse-

IMO I think that you should move on.

How can you be talking marriage with someone that isn't putting you and your feelings first?

Don't be afraid to break up. Let him see how much it means to you. If the "true" love is there, then he'll realize it when you're gone and will try to get back with you.

Also, don't be afraid to move on. Believe it or not, you'll date again.

Marriage isn't about hoping and wishing. It's about dealing with what is. There's not much respect here for you from him and that's not going to magically appear one day.

Your hearts telling you what to do but it just seems like you can't bring yourself to do it. Is fighting all the time worth it? Are you having a good time right now? Life's too short. You should be enjoying yourself and having fun.

Good luck

Rich

[humbucker]

Perhaps it is time that you joined the slumber party and guage the atmosphere.
It is my oppinion that there is some imbalance in you "boyfriends" single mindedness to this and the more you push it the more you may get him to dig his claws in.
there may be a genuine reason as to why these individuals have a "Bond".
Why not suggest a threesome.......... No seriously!
He may jump at it (pardon the pun) or be repulsed by it and there`s your answere