Am I crazy!! Help!!

[Heather]

:confused: My fiancee' and I were having a discussion about one of his friends that cheated on his wife. I asked him if he had ever cheated on me after the discussion ended and he said No. I then asked him if he had ever thought about it and he got quiet. He then said that sometimes when we are not getting along and a woman flirts with him he thinks about what it would be like to be with that woman if we were not together. I am very hurt and upset. I feel betrayed. I know that he did not physically cheat on me, but in my opinion, he cheated on me mentally and that is almost as bad. What do you think?? Am I blowing this out of preportion?? Help!!

[CalistaClap]

He was honest with you. Alot of guys even though they may feel the same way would lie and cover it up.

I don't think that it is an awful thing. He has told you that he hasn't cheated, and from what I read you beleive him, which is great!

It's very common for one partner to wonder about someone else IF they were not with thier current partner. That is the key thing. IF. When hard times come along (fighting) is when the mind gets rolling.
As long as it's just imagination and he is not acting on it, or thinking of acting on it, then I see no huge problem.

[denimandpearls]

First of all, I can relate to you and what you feel. Im the same way, I hate even thinking about the women my boyfriend slept with PRIOR to me, its sickening to say the least, but, from another standpoint...
Thank GOD your fiance has not cheated on you. What a wonderful and truely blessed union you are preparing to enter! Its SO hard for people to remain true to one another these days, its a gift to find a man or woman who truely honors their partner or spouse and does not commit infidelity. I know it hurts to even entertain the idea that your future husband has thought about being intimate with another woman. It hurts your pride. it makes you feel inadequate, maybe even a little unattractive? But, these are just natural feelings. Everyone wants to feel like their spouse or partner is satisfied with them. But, in the interest of science, EVERYONE has the ability and natural gravitation to fantasise about someone OTHER than their partner or spouse.
My boyfriend and I are quite happy in our relationship and working towards marriage, but both of us are comfortable in admitting that we have had ual thoughts about someone else. Maybe for me its about studly actor Colin Ferrel, and maybe for him its about the waitress at Outback Steakhouse who has the long blonde hair.
Humans are inherintly ual beings. Beyond our genetic desire to committ is a very "raw" animal like desire to procreate or at least ingage in ual acts with the opposite . Just like animals in the wild, we see "mates" everywhere. Outside of a few select species, humans are really the only "species" that CHOOSE to mate for life.
Why do we ENJOY ? It serves only one purpose scientifically, to BREED. But, it feels good, it makes us feel beautiful, alive, passionate, special, and close to someone. It provides us with a feeling that nothing else does. Maybe thats why outside of realtionships or even IN relationships one or both people still engage in . Its funny to say, I know, but feels good to the body and it is part of who we are.
Just because your fiance has had ual thoughts about another woman doesnt mean he is ACTING on them. I dont know a red blooded american man alive who hasnt "gotten off" to thoughts of Angelina Jolie or Latitia Costa, thats just who we are!
Your fiance cares about you deeply. out of ALL the women he could be out there with RIGHT NOW, he made the choice to committ to LIFE by YOUR side. He bought you a ring and is preparing to vow his life to you, not the waitress who has the nice butt or the secretary with huge fake breasts or the playboy bunny on TV, its YOU.

Everyone has naughty thoughts about someone else, our instinct to "breed" doesnt recognize committment or manogmay. But, never fear, the heart is greater than the flesh and will triumph in the end.
Dont feel hurt-he chose YOU, just remember that.

[eightball61]

I don't think you are blowing this out of proportion. He did tell you the trueth but its still hurtful. Maybe you both need sometime to yourselfs but what he said only pushed things back and now you are feeling down about it.

[lisa818181]

If you tear him apart for being honest with you about this, he may hesitate to tell you the truth next time. Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to. It's honestly not something that should be so upsetting. Most people, especially guys, at some point think about what it might be like to be with someone else. That's a perfectly natural thing to contemplate, just like most of us have probably thought about how easy it would be to steal something from a store, but not actually done it. The fact that he has not acted on these thoughts should tell you that he decided it was better to be with you.

I know that my boyfriend looks at other women, and he will even tell me if he thinks someone is hot, in fact I'll usually agree with him. That does NOT mean he wants to be with her, but it's normal and natural to look. The old rule of "look but don't touch" is essential here. (this is assuming it's not done in an obsessive way, if all he can talk about is other women, that's a problem) You just have to trust him and be secure in your relationship. He has not cheated on you, and it's unfair to make him feel bad about something that is normal.

[CalistaClap]

As long as he just thought about what it may be like IF you weren't together, and not thought about IF he should do it, then I don't think there is much to worry about.

If it is something that he actually gave thought to and debating on doing.....then theres a problem.

[DCDC]

Not trying to be mean, but get over it! If he did not cheat on you, then leave it alone. For you to be hurt and hold that against him will only be wrong for you in the long run. There is no reason to be upset with a man (or a woman) for having a fantasy. I am sure that you have had plenty in your time, and just because you did not share them with hiim does not make you any better than him. DEAL WITH IT, and if you can't, then MOVE ON!

[cherklatch]

Honey, I didn't even read what anyone else said to you. Yes, you are being crazy......do you want an honest relationship with him or do you want a puppet - someone that will only tell you what you want to hear? Tell me you haven't looked at another man and thought wow, he could put his shoes under my bed......but did you act on it.......hopefully not! If your so madly in love that this never happened to you yet, it will. Give the poor guy a break. There are real issues in a marriage to deal with and this isn't one of them. Giving him such a hard time for being honest to the woman he loves indicates to me that you are being immature. You should be praising him for his honesty and then lovingly and playfully add, that it's okay to look but not to touch. He didn't tell you he was going for some lap dances for God's sake - that would be a real "no-no". He thought about situations that "could be" BUT CAME HOME TO YOU. Consider yourself lucky and give him tons of hugs and kisses. Don't give him ammunition to want to follow through on his urges next time - that's what you're doing. Men think about constantly and I mean constantly - if your fighting with him it's only natural when the thought pops up in his head (no pun intended) to think about someone else if it's difficult at that moment to think about you. It's all in his genes and jeans. It's a male thing. STOP BEING CRAZY......WHEN IS YOUR WEDDING? If you are in the process of planinng it you're crazy already anyway right now. Give yourself a break from this problem. Choose your battles carefully and your marriage will be better for it.