Help! I really need advices!

[girl03]

Situation #1
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Few months ago, we decided to live together, but the thing is that I'm paying for all the expenses. Before we moved in together, he told me that he would help me out, but he had not paid a single bill. I pay for the rent and all the utilities and half the amount on the food.

I don't want the situation of 'money' to affect our relationship, but it is really frustrating me. I know he has his bills to pay for, but if we're living together, he should be responsible for half of it. I understand that if he's not able to pay for half of the bills, then at least up to what he can afford.

There are times when there are payments that I need to make that does not include the both of us. For instance, my credit card bills. I know that is my responsibility to pay if off, but with the other payments I have to make, I can only make 2-3 times the minimum amount. He tells me that he'll help me out, but he has never done that either.

I just find that it is very unfair on my part that I have to make payments on my share of the bill and all the bill that goes into our living expenses. I really don't know how to handle this situation. I'm thinking about moving back home.

Situation #2

My boyfriend and I argue a lot now that we live together. I love him, but at times I question myself if this is what I really want in the relationship. I end up crying and he always tells me that I cry too much. He tells me that I cry too much even for a girl. But how can I handle things on my own, when I can't even go to my friends or family with my situation. The last thing I want is to have people around me to think that my boyfriend is mistreating me. My bestfriend and some of my other closest friends do not even like him. They're not judging him only based on how he is with me, but they know him prior to our relationship.

I want my boyfriend to try to understand me more from my situation, too. Instead, he tells me how I'm being way too y and complain all the time. If i don't do things the way he wants it, he gets mad. Times like this, it just makes me think that I do deserve better and makes me want to walk away from the relationship

Situation #3

My boyfriend has a habit of checking and rechecking things. It takes me a pretty long time to get ready. I want to understand him because he has a problem that isn't easy to fix. However, he gets mad when I tell him that he should try seeking professional help.

I really don't mean it in a bad way. I really don't. He gets mad telling me that he tries everyday and that it hurts to hear something like that from me. What can I do when it does not get any better? How long do I have to wait in order to see progress? I mean, after all, I am a human being and I am only reacting from how I feel.

It really frustrates me knowing that I have to try understanding him, when he gets mad when I don't go along with his routines of checking and rechecking things until things are 'perfect' or until things are in the way that he wants it to be.

Situation #4

I have to do everything around the house. When he wakes up, he wakes me up, too. He expects me to do everything for him, too. I feel dumb doing it and my friend don't understand why I deal with it.

I really don't want to do everything that he is capable of doing for him. At the same time, I don't want to end up in another fight with him if I don't do it for him. Therefore, I may seem like an idiot, but I do it for him. I don't know how I can break out of this. I tell him that I'm not happy doing all of this for him, but he tells me how I can't even do the things that he 'simply asks' for.

I don't have a problem if it's things that I have to do for him here and there cause he's not able to. But when things interfere with what I want to do, it's really frustrating to the point where all I'll do is back at him. Then that starts another arguement/fight.

Situation #5

There are times when I feel like he is bothering me. I ask him to stop, but he never does. He keeps doing it to the point where I get really mad and I have to yell/scream for him to stop. When I yell/scream, he gets mad telling me that there's nothing wrong with him doing what he's doing because he's my boyfriend. But if find something annoying and ask him to stop, shouldn't he at least respect that and stop? I mean, when he expects me to stop doing what he doesn't like, then I have to. But if he wants to do something, I hate the fact that he thinks it's ok for him to do it.

Situation #6

There are times when I feel like he thinks that i'm incapable of doing things on my own. He tells me how I am an idiot and that I make mistakes and what not. Well, everyone makes mistakes and it just drives me crazy that he has to belittle me. I yell back at him and once again we start arguing again, but in the end, I always feel like he's telling me that I'm the one at fault. It seems as if everything I do is wrong and everything he does is ok.

-----
Is it wrong for me to get mad at my boyfriend for all the things he does to me? I really don't know how long I can take this. I don't know how to talk to him without him getting mad and yelling. Whenever we try to talk, he always has a habit of cutting me off and tells me that I'm going out of topic from our original arguement when in fact, our original arguement is part of everything else that he seems to do everyday.

Each day seems like a routine and I feel like I'm more of a maid than a girlfriend. I don't know if i should suggest relationship counseling or take some time off from each other or just move back home.

I really need suggestions.

[yourstruly]

wow, sounds to me like you two need to wipe the slate clean and just start the heck over!!! I will try to help....

Situation #1: Make a list of what bills he is responsible for, give it to him, ask him to abide by it, or else you are going to move home. It's only fair!

Situation #2: If you are having major problems like this when it's THIS early in your relationship, then you might want to re-think your reasons for being in this relationship. If you feel that he doesn't understand you, that he doesn't even TRY to understand you, and ESPECIALLY if you feel that you cannot go to your friends and family for advice on it for fear of them not liking him, then it sounds like to me that you are in this relationship for the wrong reasons. What are you getting out of it? Have you tried asking yourself that?

Situation #3: I'm a bit OCD myself, so I understand what "he" goes thru. And sometimes I have high expectations of my son and my co-workers/employees because of MY OCD habits. But I have to put myself in check sometimes and realize that not everyone is like me. And not everything has to be perfect. To help him out with this, you can be more understanding of how he is----don't put him down about it, but don't allow him to put YOU down for not being LIKE HIM. Be gentle, not condescending. Tell him that you'd like to do things your own way, or come to some kind of agreement as to how things are done. It just takes (calm) communication.


Situation #4: Make a list of "chores" that you are each responsible for around the house. Maybe you can take turns doing them, and even do each others things, in turn. Tell him, gently, that you are feeling like a maid, and thats not why you moved in with him.

Note: If every "conversation" is turning into a fight, then the both of you obviously need to learn HOW to argue effectively. I think most times that when a couple fight, nothing gets resolved because each person is wanting to be heard, but not wanting to listen. Couples need to learn the art of listening.

Situation #5: I can relate to this situation because my son sometimes does the same thing to me (he is a teenager). He irks the hell outta me sometimes and doesn't know when to stop. He doesn't do it so much anymore as he used to. Man, it used to be BAD. I'd always end up yelling at him, or running into the bathroom and locking the door to get away from him.

Note: your boyfriend sounds very controlling. Are you sure you want this kind of man in your life????

Situation #6: If he is down on you like this, then that's definetly a control issue. And that, my dear, is not going to change. You are either going to have to stand up to him and get a backbone and beat him at his own game, or leave.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive. But you are in a very difficult situation. You have to do what's best for YOU. You are not happy in this relationship. But you have to decide whether it's worth working at and saving. And do it before you marry this guy.

[keepsgoin]

As for situations 1-6....kick the guy out! You are obviously able to live without the financial assistance of anyone and as far as the rest of it...I stopped reading about sit. #3(needed to hear no more)...I personally think you are better off without this guy...sorry... :(

I did go back and read the first sentence of the rest of the situations...that was enough for me :confused: What a jerk!

[eightball61]

First ask yourself this.....Do you see yourself marrying this guy?

If you say "yes" then you need to really look at hard into this relationship. Everyting this guy does seems to annoy you. Yes, he has issues that he needs to clean up to but this is who he is. If you marry him this is who you are marrying. If you're not happy now then you won't be happy then. Think hard before you marry him.

[Random girl]

This might just have been a vent for you, but it really doesn't seem like there are many positives to this relationship. A wise man once told me that the reason to stay in a relationship was that the good times out weighed the bad. As long as you are more happy than unhappy it might be worth fighting for, but it really doesn't sound like that is the case. Only you can decide that for sure, though. Lots of luck.

[yourstruly]

pretty good advice, random girl!

[louise1978]

I know how you feel as some of the bits that you put down are like my realtionship I do everything and if I say anything to my boyfriend about that I do everything in our house he just says "no, you don't and I don't have to do it all I don't ask you to" but I do everything in the house and if I don't the house would be a right tip and we both don't like mess but I am the only one that tidys up in the house.

We have a son together and he won't do anything for him and then he keeps saying that it is his son as well but he doesn't want to do anything for him.

I also get blame for everything in our relationship, when we have an arguement and I say I want your help with things and I tell him I do things for you and you never do anything for me at all and he says you don't have to do things. He can do nothing wrong hin his eyes but me I do everything wrong, like I am the bad one.

I don't wear my rings anymore and I don't kiss him or sleep in the same bed with him and he doesn't say anything to him at all about why I do these things.

I am unhappy in this relationship and I have a son too with him but all of this isn't good for our son at all, I am now looking for somewhere else to live as this house where we live together now is in both of our names and I can't see him moving out at all.

I would just move out of the place and give your relationship sometime apart and all sit him down and say why you are moving out ajnd just let him know how you feel or just move out all together and end the relationship, as him blaming you for things all of the time isn't right at all and he thinks that he is MR PERFECT nobody in this world is.

Good luck with it all and let us know, what you decide to do.

[eightball61]

I don't wear my rings anymore and I don't kiss him or sleep in the same bed with him and he doesn't say anything to him at all about why I do these things.
.


That's a huge "reg flag" to any relationship. If he isn't saying anything nor doing anything to fix it then it's clear that he doesn't care. Children know a lot more than you think as a parent. As this child grows older he will see whats going on. It's actually not fair for him growing up in this kind of environment. It's your choice but you should talk a little with Sally because she came across the same issue(except she is married).

[louise1978]

Thank you for that eightball61 and I have also done it before took my rings off he says that he has noticed but he hasn't said anything about it.

I will talk to Sally like you said it is a good idea and she has come acroos the same this but what is Sally's name on here as I don't know who is who on here.

Eightball61 could you please let me know who Sally's name is, please.

[keepsgoin]

I believe there's someone here who's screen name is simply "Sally" isn't there? ;)

[eightball61]

Eightball61 could you please let me know who Sally's name is, please.


She goes by the name SALly. Here is a link to one of her threads:
http://www.relationshipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1235

Please understand though that she didn't quite exactly go through what you're going through but she did face the children dilemma.

[vixxxen]

Hey you sound like you and my cousin are dating the same guy... She has paid for everything .Food his smokes , his gym membership,apartment note , light bill .So Im going to tell you the same thing I tell her ...RUN 4 THE HILLS before your bank account dries up ,freeloaders are a waste of space . ;)

[girl03]

thank you everyone for your input.

i really should take a deep look into the relationship and see if the good outweighs the bad.

right now, i'm just trying my best to make the best decision for myself.

as for the subject of marriage, i still need to graduate from college. but in couple of years, i'll be in the situation to actually consider marriage. thinking of that, i'm really looking at the situation as a big picture... my present & how my future will be.

i'm sure that if things are like this right now, then things will be like this even after marriage. so basically, if he doesn't clean up his act.. then i have no other choice... as much as i hate to say it.. but i'll just have to move on to make sure that i'm content and satisfied with my life. afterall, i have the right to live happy and have things the way i want it to be.

[yourstruly]

hey girl, thanks for updating us!

"i'm sure that if things are like this right now, then things will be like this even after marriage. so basically, if he doesn't clean up his act.. then i have no other choice... as much as i hate to say it.. but i'll just have to move on to make sure that i'm content and satisfied with my life. afterall, i have the right to live happy and have things the way i want it to be."

you are right.....if things like this are happening in the present then its usually a pretty good sign that they will still be happening in the future, OR...it could get even WORSE if you can imagine that! There IS a chance it could get better, but I think it would take a WHOLE lotta changing on his part, and I'm not sure that someone can change this kind stuff.

and you are right....you DO have the right to live happy and have things the way you want it to be. However, there WILL be times when you might have to compromise, you still have say-so. Good luck with your life :) Glad we could help!

[eightball61]

afterall, i have the right to live happy and have things the way i want it to be.


Finishing up school is very important and should be your next step to anything. You're not thinking marriage right now so just feel things out and try to get the relationship where you want it to be durning that time. Once you're ready to settle and if nothing has change then you can make your decision from there. The major concern right now is him not help you out with bills though. You have school bill as well as everyday bills. He needs to help you out. I don't know what it will take but he must help you out. Relationships take two....