Anyone out there made it through him/her cheating?

[CalistaClap]

Good day all. To give you some background, my b/f cheated (a one night stand) on me a little over 6 months ago. He came clean and told me, I did not find out another way.

I was SO in love with him I didn't even want to picture myself without him so I opted to try and stay together and work through it.

It has been one of the HARDEST things I have ever done.

Since then we've split up for a few weeks (about 2-3 months ago), but have since gotten back together, although I still have not moved back in, and really do not plan to in the near future.

We have had REALLY hard times that it seems so pointless to still be there (fighting all the time), and then we have had really good times lately.

Although the past 2-3 weeks or so have been alot better than before, we are starting to enjoy each other's company alot, without fighting, I am still wondering if I am doing the right thing.

Since the cheating happened, no matter how hard I try, I cannot get back to where I was before it happened. I look at him differently now then I did before.

I'm just wondering, has anyone out there had a relationship survive after cheating has occured?

[denimandpearls]

Infidelity, adultry, cheating, whatever a person calls it-it means the same thing. its the breaking of a trust. I hope that in some small way you understand the tiny fraction of death that you now own because of your boyfriends mistake.
There are plenty of people out there who HAVE survived relationships where one or the other has been unfaithful, but there are plenty of couples who havnt. I am one of those people who hasnt able to make it work after the trust was broken.
My HUSBAND of just under a year had MULTIPLE indescretions-all of which he came clean to quite openly. In our courtship days (when we were just dating) we were both unending ly faithful. We couldnt have even DREAMED about cheating on eachother-it was crazy! But, things change. We cared very much for eachother, and each time I found out about a "mistake" he made, i smoothed it over, went through a week or so of hell emotionally, picked the pieces up and tried again-with the promise from him that it would never happen again. For a while it didnt. Things would get better and stronger, and then he stopped confessing. But, Im not an idiot, and eventually I got wise to what he was doing behind my back. It was only on occasion, and it wasnt one specific woman, it was just random one night stands-lots of them-spaced far between. OUr relationship was still strong, we had fun together and were fairly happy, but eventually it started eating away at me. it got to the point where I lost all ual desire for him. I didnt want to make love to someone who had probably had unprotected with someone else in the same week, day or even evening. After 9 months of fighting and struggeling-it fell apart. We divorced.

More than anything, Im sure you worry if history will repeat itself. Well, if there is anything I have learned from all the years in college, all the close friends of both es and of course from my life experience, it is :ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER. Someone who cheats is a person who likes variety, change, something new and a little "alluring". They arnt someone who will be happy with ONE person for the rest of time. its boring, uninteresting, leaves too much to be curious about with someone else. They will always see someone attractive in a store or at a friends house and think, "Man, what would it be like to sleep with them?". There are exceptions to this, of course, but for the most part it rings true. People who can cheat once, can do it again, and again and again. Ultimately it is you who will have to decide whether you will give TRUST back to your boyfriend again, and if its is broken again, what will happen?

If both of you are serious and committed to renewing the relationship, I would advise some couples counseling. Most churches will do couseling for couples in distress. If you arnt going to a church at present, perhaps now would be a good time to try. Yo dont necessarily need to go to seek GODS help (if that is your choice) but FELLOWSHIP is important and can be a huge help.

Best of luck to you both, I hope it all works out for the best.

[eightball61]

Hey Calista,

As you know I have been following all your thread since that time. There has been many mixxed emotions about the whole thing. Its been from the way he has been acting to how you don't feel the same like you do know.

Many have said once cheating get in the way then nothing will be the same again. We have expressed that to you before and now you feel it. The bright side is you have done what most may not do and that give him another chance.

There is something missing though and I can't point it out and neither can you. Things will never be like they were but if you both work together like have been then you may be able to get things on the right track again. The only thing is though that his cheating will forever always be in the back of your mind and thats whats making it so hard.

You are a strong girl and you should be thankful for that. You have yourself a good heart and you managaed to keep it strong. Follow what it tell you though. So far you have done that and you are working on the relationship. I won't tell you if you are making the right decision or not because only you on your position better. What I will say is go with the flow and only time will what happens.

I am glad to see you here and I have been wondering about you. I can't read the other boards anymore so I am lost to all my old friends. Tell them I said hi and take care.

[CalistaClap]

THanks guys.

Eightball, I can't read the other boards either. That is why I looked for something else. And this is what site I found ( :) ) Our computers are networked together and another girl at work who used the site under another catagory got banned. Therefore since I am somewhat associated with her & shared the same IP address, I was banned too. Unfair? Oh yea.

Well anyways, this weekend was a doozie. Things were fine. We had a bit of an argument Sunday morning because he had been cranky, but that was it. I went home around 1:00 Sunday to help my parents decorate the tree.

While I was in the middle of decorating, the phone rang. It was a guy who I have seen before through Adam (b/f). I probably only met him once maybe twice. We'll call him Kenny. Kenny called and asked for me, and told me that he was going with a girl named "cindy". Then he paused and said "i don't know how to tell you this"....

Come to find out, Adam has been trying to meet Cindy behind my back basically the whole 2 years (with the exception of the last few months). He talks to her on ICQ. About last April, they would "meet" on nights that I didnt go out. Around July (just after we had gotten back together from him cheating on me with someone else) is when he tried to get her to meet him when he was going for a walk, WHILE I WAS ON MY WAY OUT. He told her I woudn't be there until 7:00. At this time she was dating Kenny, and didn't want anything to do with him. From both sides I hear that they didn't sleep together, but he still tried. So Kenny seen these msgs and let is slide. Then Friday Adam msged her again, just saying Hi, and Kenny flew into him (they were friends), then called me Sunday.

I then called his Sister-in-law who's computer he uses. She went back on the history, and he had deleted the recent stuff, but there was some stuff from last spring which was pretty obvious what was going on. She was asking him to visit her, and he said "it depends on if SHE comes out tonight", then she asked him to call, and he said "i can't promise you that".

So there it was. I needed to call the SIL just to make sure that for some reason this Kenny wasn't making it up. He wasn't. And she told me too that he had been hiding the fact he smoked again from me too.

So I called him. He of course denied it until I pointed out that this Kenny wouldn't know these details of me unless it were true. Once he realized that I believed Kenny, he admitted to "saying some things to her, but can't remember what". I asked why, and he said that he was just unhappy at the time. That nothing has happened since we got back together in the fall. Which I think I believe him on.

The only reason I found out was because her b/f called me. I wonder how many others there are out there who's b/f haven't called me?

This is such a great Christmas present.

[eightball61]

I got banned from the site because the Moderators didn't like me providing input or report bad post so they banned me and my IP address saying I shouldn't act like a Mod. but they encourage us to report post or make suggestions...They just didn;t like me and my 10000 post gues :p

Anyway I am sorry to hear about this awful update. I had to read it a few times because there is so many characters involved but to this point it seems the true image of you Bf is coming out.

He did cheat on you at one point and you gave him the benefit to start things new. From what I gather he is still hiding stuff and lieing about stuff...If this is totally true how much more can you give into him before you just give it all up?

He says he going through a difficult time but so arn't you with this whole thing. The only difference is you are not seeking someone else like he is. He is suppose to be working things with you and not someone else.

I really don't know what to say or what you can do here. There is a lot of lies happenig and a change needs to take place. You made you attempts and efforts while he only put in very little. I guess its up to you on where to take this. You said you love him before and thats why you started things over again with him but it takes 2 people to love and hes not showing his side of the love.

[CalistaClap]

Yea. The mods of that site say in the rules that if you contact them you can probably work it out and be able to get back on. Yea right. I suggested if I use another computer that is not shared. But they said no that I am still assosicated with a banned member, therefore I am banned too. They were actually quite rude about the whole thing and told me to "not bother them again" when I asked about using another computer. So I'm glad I found another site.

I found before I got banned there were alot of other people that seemed to get banned all at once too. The mods must be having a bad week or something.

Anyways you are right, I can't give anymore. He is begging me for another chance and I know that I can't give it to him. I love him more than anyone else on this earth, but I don't know why he does this to me. He is such a genuine person in all other aspects. I've never been betrayed as much as I have by him. How can I give him chance #3? Then he is going to think he can have #4, 5 & 6.

I find this last inncodent worse then when he slept with someone else. When he slept with "S", it just happened. It was a one night stand. There was no plotting and planning as to when I wasn't going to be there. That is the killer here.

Plus the fact that he seen how much that damaged me. I cried and cired for a month. He knew how hurt I was a "vowed" to never do anything to hurt me again. Hmm....6 months later, and here I am again. Finding out about things that happened all the way through, even after his "vow".

He tells me he wants to marry me. He has no idea about committment let alone marriage.

[eightball61]

I cried and cired for a month.


Now all this hurt is turning into pure anger against him. You have been doughting your feelings or where the relationship will go anywhere and this is just another case that its nots going to change.

As we talked about before the only way is if he gets the help. I feel you have put your effort in and now its time to work on yourself. You have had a bad year because all of this and it will only continue.

If you give him another chance I think you'd be a fool. You allready gave him one and he went out to screw it up again. If he wanted you so bad he would have put more into things. He only wants you by his side to say he has a GF. He is playing you like a matchbox toy and you don't need that.

You are a great girl and I am sure you will be able to find a respectable man. If I was single then I would try to hit on you but I can't do that ;) Just be patient about the whole thing and as I said before you need to break away from it all.

[CalistaClap]

Why can't all men be as level headed as you eightball?

I couldn't talk to him yesterday. I was bawling when I was asking him, and when he admitted it. I called him before I went to sleep lastnight too, thinking that I could be calmer, but ended up bawling then too, so I didn't get too far.

He asks me if I am done, and I just told him I don't know. But after thinking about it all night, and all day today, I cant do it anymore.

It really is awful being this time of year. When you should be with the ones you love. I hope 2005 is better. Not really sure if it can be much worse then 2004.

:(

[eightball61]

If you want it to be better then you need to make changes and goals. Holding on to him for change that will never happen will not get you anywheres. He admitted to the cheating and you said it yourself that he is on his last chance so now its the break away.

He f*** it all up and thats his fault and not yours. You deserve better. It will take time but remember Littlelostsoul post and you can't be guided by this man like she was. You need to tak your own strenght and move on or else he will continue to own you like this.

[CalistaClap]

I know what I got to do, and I am going to. But it's not what I want to do, just what I know I have to do.

Not sure how I am going to get over this one.

[eightball61]

Not sure how I am going to get over this one.


Calist....You never got over the last one. Hwo much more can you put up with this? Whats keeping you to him? is it the lies or the cheating.... :confused:

What do you want? Nobody wants to be alone but being alone without a partner for a little while is better than being treated like this.

[CalistaClap]

I know, I meant I don't know how I am going to get over him. I've never loved someone like this. And yet, I've never be treated as badly as this.

Work is over (YEAYYY!!)

I'll chat with you more tommorrow.

[eightball61]

I know, I meant I don't know how I am going to get over him. I've never loved someone like this. And yet, I've never be treated as badly as this.

Work is over (YEAYYY!!)

I'll chat with you more tommorrow.


Talk to you tomorrow and really think about this over night...Sweet dreams ;)

[CalistaClap]

I talked to him lastnight. He called & left a msg on my cell before I got home saying when he would be home, then he called me when I got home to make sure I got his msg & to see if I would talk to him later & I agreed. He called me when he got home.

Basically nothing new was said. I was bawling again, so that didn't help anything. He begged and begged for another chance. He was crying too.

I don't want to give him one because I can't be his doormat. He is very convincing that he would never do anything like that again, but he said that lasttime too, and it wasn't even a month and he was trying to meet people behind my back.

I love him and don't want to have to think about being without him, because other than this sneakiness that is being revealed, he is a great guy.

I know I can't give him another chance. He tells me he wasn't happy and that's what made him do it. But I've been not happy and I've never cheated on him. It's no excuse.

He wasn't happy a month after I found out he was cheating the fisrt time? Does he think that I was happy?

UGGHH!! :eek:

[eightball61]

I love him and don't want to have to think about being without him, because other than this sneakiness that is being revealed, he is a great guy.

:


I know you don't want to be his doormat and thats why you can't budge this time. I said it before and I will say it again...The only way for him to change is if he does it by himself and you both take timeouts.

I know you didn't want to go this route before but now its time. Talking to him just makes it worse and you are crying non-stop. I wish I was more there for you so you can take that break and come talk to me to cool off some.

I am sure he is a great guy but his actions are not so great. You can't change him...Only he can do that for himself and a good break away is what it may need. Then if you both get back together then you can start off new and see what may have change. The problem is that he broken the trust twice and it will always be hard to get thinking on the right path again.

[CalistaClap]

This is what I am thinking.

I want to tell him that right now I can't give another chance. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't think that he is ready to be in a committed relationship (although he argues that he is).

But I want to let him know that I do love him, and want him to figure himself out and what's important to him in life (grow up), then when he's ready he can call me if he still wants to.

I would love to still stay in contact with him. Even if it is just a phone call a few times a month. My feelings for him haven't changed at all, but I have to force myself to have an once of self respect to not let this happen again.

I'm just not sure how I should word it to him. :confused:

[eightball61]

There will be alot of emotion but you can do all that in one phone call. You can express you love and care for him but you also have to tell him he needs to have time to decide what he wants.

[CalistaClap]

Well I talked to him again lastnight. He called me in a very good mood. He went over to his brothers and read the ICQ history. He addmitted to me before that he "had said some stuff to her" but couldn't remember what he said (it was in July).

He said once he re-read it he felt alot better because it shows that he didn't initiate it as much as Kenny had said. He claims that she would ask him to come over and he would say no, my g/f is coming down. Or she would ask him to call and he would said "i can't promise that".

He is claiming that he did "think about it" but realized what he had with me and decided not to.

Not sure what to believe. He is asking me how I can throw everything we have away based on something he thought about but didn't do. Well if I beleived him 100% then I can see his point, but im sort of 50/50. He is very convincing. But I feel like i"m being an idiot by even giving him the benefit of a doubt.

What IF HE IS telling the truth? I know that if I end it this time, that there will be no changing my mind and wanting him back on his part. I'm so confused.

[eightball61]

At this point you will never to believe him 100%. He may be very convincing and he did that once and still lied around it. Go ahead and take another chance if you may but all you will be doing is setting yourself up for another lie.

He promised last time and even cried his way through it. You can let the same draw you back. He knows your weakness and he is using that against you to get you back. He is trying to show he is trying but in reality he is not.

You really need to have time by yourself. There are a few stages to this process and thats talking to him which makes things emotional, then you get angry, and then you just get over him. Your at the first stage and you have to realize that talking to him is not making things easier. You need to get stronger.

[CalistaClap]

Thanks Eightball.

He wants me to go out and read it off the computer to see if I believe him more.

He mentioned printing it off, but then I know if he wanted to he could go mess with it, and maybe add some things that weren't said to have it look ok on paper.

I know if I read it off the computer there can be nothing added to the history.

Not sure if I want to though....

[eightball61]

Not sure if I want to though....


Why read it when you allready know about it? Yes, he can change things around and I am thinking he would be do that. Just tell him that you are not interested and know you need sometime alone. Talking with him if just confusing you more and you will just be sucked into the whole thing.

This is your life and you need to think what you want.

[CalistaClap]

What I want and what I know I should do are 2 different things. That is what is making it so hard.

[eightball61]

What do you want? Think about this closely...

[CalistaClap]

What do I want? Well I want to be with the person I love, which unfortunatly for me, happens to be him.

[eightball61]

What do I want? Well I want to be with the person I love, which unfortunatly for me, happens to be him.


But you can only charish that love with someone who shows and acts like they love you back.

[CalistaClap]

Yea I know. But at times he does. It is like he is split in two.

He can be the most devoted b/f around. He wants to spend all the time in the world with me, he is very funny, and cuddly. He makes me laugh and loves to take me places.

Then it's like every once in awhile this "other side" jumps out where he thinks he has to cheat, lie and lie to cover up more lies.

I told him that he seems like he has split personality and he told me if I went with him he would to go the doctor to get checked out! :rolleyes:

I think that part of him has grown up and part of him still thinks he is 18.

[eightball61]

Thats the thing that he has to learn and he can't jump around. Its either he is 100% devoted or not devoted. You need someone that is 100% devoted. Thats what a relationship if for.

[CalistaClap]

Thanks for everything Eightball, you are a good friend.

My Christmas break from work is about to start in an hour or so. I don't have the internet at home, so I will update you more when I return back to work on the 3rd. If I get near a computer between now & then I will update then.

Have a great holiday season & a fun New Years!

:)

[eightball61]

Hey Calista,

My x-mas break went well and I hope the same went for you. When you get time let me know on any updates.

[CalistaClap]

Hey Eightball, I'm glad you had a good christmas break. Mine was good. Went by really fast though.

As far as updates go, I didn't spend Christmas with him. I spent it at home with my family. I did give him the presents that I alraedy had for him, and he did the same. I've been out a few times to see his gifts and to thank his family for the ones they got me.

We spent most of my time off work apart, I was with my friends most of the time. I did go out this weekend and spend new years with him.

I FINALLY convinced him to go to the doctor (because he was seeming like he may be depressed), the doctor agreed and gave him some stress pills. I think that's a good thing. He has alot of stress coming at him from all directions.

Other than that, not much news. Things are still up in the air, I"m still talking to him and going to see him once and awhile, but that's about it.

Do anything fun on your break?

[eightball61]

I am glad to hear things went ok for you. My X-mas went just fine and I am glad its all over.

Right now though I think you both are doing the right thing and taking things much slower. You both need the away. I think in your case though you need more of the time. He has created along of stress and anger into this relationship and now its time for a step back.

I am glad to hear he did finally go to the doctor. Hopefully he does continue the help and maybe get things under control from there. Please keep me posted. ;)

[CalistaClap]

I sure will. I won't have many updates for a little while, we are getting a pretty good snow storm here in Nova Scotia, and I don't imagine I will be going anywhere anytime soon, let alone out to see him. :)

That's not necessairily a bad thing. :p

[eightball61]

I will always be around though for a chat or whatever. Please don't forget that..... ;)

[CalistaClap]

Got another situation. Putting it on another thread.

[eightball61]

k...I am there...lol

[wickedpixie]

I would never forgive infidelity...

I am too special, I deserve better and if he could lay down with another woman, he doesn't love me.