Enraged and confused

[sweetu4jaanu]

I don't know where to ask for help. Here goes.

I've been dating my bf for the last 4 1/2 years. We started dating when I was 16. I was a runaway and I met him and we started to see eachother. He was 26 at the time. He taught me to drive and he finacially supported me. Now that I am older I'm starting to understand things much better. I'm 20 now and lately my bf has been conversating a lot with his niece. He has never done this before, I'm not saying he can't talk to his family. I encourage him to visit them as much as he can but since January of 2006 he bought his niece a phone so that way her parents can keep in touch with her. She is 17 yrs old. He's wasn't born in America he is from Pakistan. Is this a norm in their society? I feel really akward about their relationship. They would text message through out the day. In one month he texted 6000 messages to her and back. He talks to her from 7:30am, when she gets up till 2am because she is suffering from insomnia. I tell him that if she has problems she needs to consult with her parents because he has no rights to tell her what to do and what not to do. He can only be moral support. I have tried talking to him about my feelings and he says that I am crazy and I need to seek a therapist. I'm lost. I love him a lot and I don't want to lose him but I'm in so much pain I'm willing to walk away from this relationship. Today he left work and drove two hours to take her to the dentist. Makes no sense!! That's her parents duties not his. I need some outside observer to see if I am really losing my mind. He claims that there is nothing going on between them but one day I called him and instead of taking her to school he took her to the park to supposely "talk to her" at the park!!! I had a panic attack. He avoid me questioning him that time for about 30 mins before he told me that he was with her. I think I would have more rights then she would to question his where abouts but she does the same thing. She sent him a text message stating that she hates it when he mentions me. I feel like she fakes maladies to get him to leave work to tend to her needs. She's constantly seeking attention and my bf says it's because her parents neglects her too much. Please someone tell me what I should do. He says that I'm not mature enough for this relationship to handle his family problems. He tells me that he needs to do these things because she is still a kid and needs guidence. There is only a 3 year age gap between me and his niece. He is going on 32 this year. Help!!!

Karen

[polymath]

I've never been in this situation before so I dont know how good my advice is, but I would go with my gut feeling. With the relationships in the past my gut feeling was always right and I would kick myself in the for not following it.

Take a step back and review the relationship. What your BF could be doing is innocent and he just loves his niece..but then again he could be having a relationship with her or with someone else and making her as an excuse.

Do he hids his text messages from you? When he talked to her does he go in the next room and shut the door?

Keep an eye out for things like that.

One thing I have learn from relationships is that ANYTHING can happen. In today society when someone says "I love you" it is not sincere anymore. People blurt it out like the F word in bumper to bumper traffic.

Good luck in anything you do and keep us posted :)

[yourstruly]

sweet,

I think there is a definite pattern with this guy of helping younger girls in need. I think it may be more of a control issue. Plus, it might be due to his culture.

I was ually harrassed at work in 1990 by a guy that was originally from Pakistan. I was an assistant manager and he was my assistant. One night he basically slammed me up against a wall and tried to force himself on me and I got away from him. Found out the next day when I went to the District Manager that he had been accused twice before and I wondered why was he still allowed to work there??????? I can't say that it was his culture, but I WAS told that it was, so I don't know.

Anyway, if I were you I'd tell the girls parents. I'm sure they probably do not realize what is going on---she is underage and they should know. It could be innocent.....but ya never know, and in this day and time, it's better to be safe than sorry, ya know what I mean?

Sorry you are going thru this. You really didn't comment very much at all on how the relationship between him and you is.....

[Rich]

Sounds like he has a thing for younger girls. Has your life with him slowed down as you got older? Does he show you less attention the older that you get?

What he is doing isn't normal. Are you sure that they really went to the dentist and not a motel instead?

[SALly]

It sounds to me like you've grown up, so now he is moving on to another young chic that he can control. I understand he has done a lot for you, but you may need to start just considering him a friend and move on in your love life.

[Rich]

Some guys like to play the “knight in shining armor” role to fulfill an inner need and make themselves feel good. And maybe that’s not the best way to describe it, but hopefully you catch my drift..

I wouldn’t so much say that this guy is a predator, as it doesn’t seem like he abused this girl or anything like that. Maybe his niece does have an f’d up life and this is his way of getting to play savior again. He is also getting out of the deal, at least with Sweetu4jaanu, so maybe he is a predator.

Either way, it’s not right and something is going on. A lot of guys work an angle to get .

[sweetu4jaanu]

I'm grateful for each and everyone that has given me their opinion.

Our relationship was great until he started to talk to her. There are times he goes to the kitchen to talk to the bathroom to talk. There were times he denied talking to his niece because he knows that I didnt like her. She is constantly talking ill of me to him. I try to explain to him my feelings but he seems not to understand. life is good. I confronted him about this issue since January and he keeps telling me that he knows his niece is lacking attention from her parents that is why he is trying to be there for her so she doesnt wander down the wrong path. We been together past four years and I still have yet to meet his parents. He has met my parents and relatives and they seem okay with him. I'm not forcing him to introduce me to his family because I know it takes time and I understand that in their culture to be with someone who is not from thier culture or country is looked down upon.

[SALly]

What is he helping her with? Why can't he talk to her in front of you? That's a big clue right there. If he was just innocently helping her out then he wouldn't have to hide it from you. I"m sorry but I would assume something is going on that isn't right.

[sweetu4jaanu]

Sally,
He states that his main reason for helping her is because of her parents are neglecting her. She supposely had this horrible tooth ache that was causing her much pain for a week, which her parents did nothing to assist in making it better so he took off work to help her get medical coverage to see a dentist. He told me he is a caring guy and he has this urge in helping people. It makes no sense because his sister and brother in law own their own business and they are extremely frugal. He wants to help her because he feels that since there is no one to help her she might meet some random guy and leave with him and live a life full of hardship. She is 17 years old and she tends to cling to people and give hugs to her uncles etc..which is what his older sister use to do back in Pakistan and which lead his sister in being molested by the brother in law's father. I'm not sure if he is afraid that they may happen to his niece but my point is that she is no longer a child/kid and she had to learn how to grow up. When I was 16, I wasn't "being a kid" I was engaging in ual activities with an older man which I come to regret because I had to learn to mature faster then most teenagers. He has confided to me that he's worry that he is going to lose contact with his family but it's only possible if he refused to see them. For example this past weekend, he told me he was going to visit his parents, which he never did. He went straight to his older sister's house, where this particular niece lives at, and spent the weekend there without seeing his parents. I was so upset I went through another panic attack. He says that I have a sick mind thinking that there is something happening between him and his niece. I can't help it. There are people out in this world that do the most sickening things out there, I'm just afraid that one day when he's unaware of the chemistry between them he might do something he will later regret. I admit I've shouldnt have read some of his text messages but there was this one where she stated that she couldn't lose another person whom she loved because she knows how much it hurts. I'm thinking is she in love with her uncle as in a man loves a woman or is it the love that one will have for let say their, mother, brother etc. I'm really scared what may come between them. I tried having him attend a few meeting with a marriage therapist but he is refusing saying that the therapist will be on my side because we both are "crazy". Urgh..help..someone..

[Rich]

You can't help someone that doesn't want help or doesn't think that they're doing anything wrong.

If your threatening to leave him doesn't phase him, then you know how much that you mean to him. Which isn't much.

Your choice to either stay or leave him at that point.

[sweetu4jaanu]

Update:

We both have tried to reconcile our relationship. I gather enough nerves to call the niece and speak to her polietly. After talking to her I felt so relieve. She did have issues going on with her that she felt she needed to confide to my bf. I thought everything was going great until I secretly read some of his text messages. She stated that she tried really hard to be nice to me for him. I'm back to where I started again. We did break up for a couple days and I started to socialize and go out with old friends from high school which enraged my bf. He told me he loved me and that he understands my feelings but he said he will never give up talking to his niece. This Sunday he's leaving to go visit his "family". Should I ask for his older brother for his advice or anyone from his family. He claims his family is dysfunctional, so that's why he visit his niece's family. We had an incident last night. He invited me over to watch a movie and he promised me he would turn off his cell phone, which he did do. It was getting late and he asked me to spend the night. I wish I shouldn't have stayed because after the movie she was text messaging him crazy demanding where he was. I guess I made a noise which cause her to ask if I was around and when he told her that I was around she got upset and hung up on my bf. Since she was upset and didn't respond to his text messages he refused to sleep till she was no longer mad at him. He didn't go to bed till 3am which I told him was insane because if their relationship was innocent and there wasn't anything else going on she would understand. I keep asking myself repeatedly why I am putting up with this relationship I have no answer. That night I had to call her and beg for her to call him and tell him that she wasn't mad. She complied with my request and he came back to his apartment after stating he needed some fresh air. Someone that is a professional out there give me some answers please. He's 32. How should a 32 yrs old man act to such things?

[bodhim]

Hi

I am not too good in explaining as I myself going through a big issue. I can say one thing I come from india. We do take care of our family but not the extent he is doing. Its always the parent, brother and then other family members responsibilty.

As far as I can say coming from similar background thats not normal.
I think he is making exuses to be with her. I know because my cousin did the same telling his parents that he is going with friend who is sick but was dating someone else.

I am sorry , but I am honest thats all

Cheers

[SALly]

Update:

We both have tried to reconcile our relationship. I gather enough nerves to call the niece and speak to her polietly. After talking to her I felt so relieve. She did have issues going on with her that she felt she needed to confide to my bf. I thought everything was going great until I secretly read some of his text messages. She stated that she tried really hard to be nice to me for him. I'm back to where I started again. We did break up for a couple days and I started to socialize and go out with old friends from high school which enraged my bf. He told me he loved me and that he understands my feelings but he said he will never give up talking to his niece. This Sunday he's leaving to go visit his "family". Should I ask for his older brother for his advice or anyone from his family. He claims his family is dysfunctional, so that's why he visit his niece's family. We had an incident last night. He invited me over to watch a movie and he promised me he would turn off his cell phone, which he did do. It was getting late and he asked me to spend the night. I wish I shouldn't have stayed because after the movie she was text messaging him crazy demanding where he was. I guess I made a noise which cause her to ask if I was around and when he told her that I was around she got upset and hung up on my bf. Since she was upset and didn't respond to his text messages he refused to sleep till she was no longer mad at him. He didn't go to bed till 3am which I told him was insane because if their relationship was innocent and there wasn't anything else going on she would understand. I keep asking myself repeatedly why I am putting up with this relationship I have no answer. That night I had to call her and beg for her to call him and tell him that she wasn't mad. She complied with my request and he came back to his apartment after stating he needed some fresh air. Someone that is a professional out there give me some answers please. He's 32. How should a 32 yrs old man act to such things?
You need to open your eyes. See what is going on. This isn't RIGHT. If he is innocently helping her, then neither of them should get so upset over the incident you describe. All three of you should get together and discuss this if you are going to stay....although I recommend leaving him.