my girlfriends friend

[grace311]

Hello all

I am in a new relationship. I am 30 and my girlfriend is 25. We have hit it off since we have met and are really enjoying each others company.
Her best friend is a guy (28) which I have no problem with. He has been her close friend thru two prior relationships (one lasted 1 year another 2-1/2 years).

He has feelings for her (my guess is he really does love her). Recently I was “tested”; she wanted to see if I would have a problem with her friendship with him. She related that her two prior boyfriends hated the guy and were jealoious about the whole thing. She has told me that she is not physically attracted to him but is one of the nicest people she has ever known. Again, I am really cool with that. I trust this girl and if she really did have feelings for him she would be dating him after so long. I told her I think its great that she has such a loving and close friend and she is lucky. I meant it. She told me that it’s good that I don’t have a problem with it because she would have to reconsider our relationship. Fair enough.

When she first met me and started hanging out, he walked way from her and ignored her. About a month later they had a heart to heart and things were good between them. They hung out once a week and did dinner.

He is doing it again where he is ignoring her.
She gets really pissed and it hurts her. I do not think she fully appreciates his feelings for her and that maybe he is trying to walk away. This is affecting our hang out time cause she is really sad about it – again, I can understand that but I wish to help her and make it better. I have known many guys in his situation and they try and stay friends with a girl they like, holding the hope that things will change – and you never know it does happen. Once she started to date me and the fact that we are serious was a “set back” for him.

My dilemma is that I wish I could talk with her about it but I am fearful of offering my advice or talking about with her because (1) its really none of my business and (2) I don’t want her to get angry at me and thinking I am tyring to interfere in her relationship with this guy. It makes me angry that he is hurting her though and that I end up dealing with hr being down, pissed – not wanting to sound selfish since its ok for her to have those feelings, but more along the lines that if it was any other issue (lets say her mom) I would feel much more open and be able to offer advice or listen.

I know the main thing I am going to hear is just deal with it and let it happen the way its supposed to. But I don’t want this to interfere in my relationship with her and it already has. Before I told her that I was ok with her being friends with him and her “testing me:. She grew really distant from me for the space of week trying to gifure out how I would react and if she needed to, walk away.

I don’t like having anther guy effecting my relationship like this.

Ideas, thoughts, suggestions

Thank you

[chayne]

Have you asked your girlfirend if she has considered the possiblity that her friend may have deeper feelings for her? Maybe if you point out that he appears to be really hurting too, she will realise that you are not trying to sabotage the freindship that they have.

Could you take her freind out for a beer/baseball, whatever, ask him direct his feelings and let him know direct where you stand?

If their issues are affecting the time you spend with your girlfriend then isn't it now your business? And his behavior is considered emotional abuse in various human sciences.

Its really sweet and caring of you to put her first, but there are times when we need to put ourselves first - a little : )

If you are sure that your ok with their freindship, then if she does take the defensive you can condfidently let her know that she is out of line. Maybe you could pretend her friend is her mum, a mental tweak so that you don't get caught up in defending yourself b/c you fear what she thinks. If she were to think you were interfereing with the realtionship with her mum, how would you react? Does that make any sense?

If you trust her than can you not just be really up front with your concerns, and why your concerned. You are a part of this issue because your girlfriend has included you. It would be unfair of her to expect you to be there when she is hurting, but not be prepared to listen to you.

Anyways, hope this helps in some way.

And you sound like a genuine, sincere and considerate person. You have rights too.

[Rich]

If you guys are adult and have an open, honest and communicative relationship, then saying the following shouldn’t be a problem.

Just say, “ Honey, you’re just going to have to be realistic to the situation at hand. Your friend is in love with you and unless you become his girlfriend, then he won’t be happy with you dating ANY guy. And if you don’t have feelings for him in that way, then you need to set him straight. You need to tell him that it’s friendship only and that’s it and that if he can’t accept that, then you’ll end the friendship”.

You have to let her know that he will hurt whatever relationship that she’s in because deep down that he’s jealous.

[grace311]

Thank you very much for the responses.
This has been more then helpful. I’ll let you all know how it works out.

Thank you

[grace311]

Thank you very much for the responses.
This has been more then helpful. I’ll let you all know how it works out.

Thank you

[yourstruly]

I think she knows. That her friend feels something for her, that is. I think the fact that she doesn't feel the same way for him and truly wants to be friends makes it really tough on the guy. She probably doesn't understand why he can't just back down and be friends. You say they've had "heart to heart talks", so yep, I'm pretty sure that she knows how he feels about her. The problem lies in the fact that he keeps hoping that she will change her mind about him and want more than just a friendship. There's nothing wrong with having that hope, unless it's causing a really unhealthy situation for him where he is not going out with any other girls or if he is totally focused on her. We all want what we can't have. That's just human nature. But where it gets unhealthy is if we keep dwelling on it and keep "acting out" (he is acting out when he walks away and ignores her, trying to spark a reaction out of her where she goes running after him).

It IS your business because it's affecting your relationship with her. So if I were you I'd discuss it with her. Just openly discuss it! No harm in that.