Got Anger?

[waitingforever]

My husband is in the Army Nat'l Guard and has been deployed since early January of 2005. He's due home in June, FINALLY!

I should be excited. I am.

Except that we were trying for a baby for several months before he was deployed. I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. When he was home on leave this past January, I got pregnant again and had another miscarriage. Suddenly, he wants me on birth control, no more trying. I am very upset by this. He doesn't even know when he wants to try again, refuses to give any kind of timeline for me to look forward to.

I am heartbroken and angry with him. Perhaps it's not quite rational, but I can't seem to help it. We talked about it (on the phone of course) for about 3 days and it was 3 days of me being miserable, and him being insistent. I've given up and I just fake my cheerfulness now. I'm not cheerful, I'm really torn up. I have been looking forward to this for a long time, and at every turn, our plans seem to become dislodged-- first the miscarriage, then the deployment, then the next miscarriage, and now this.

I don't know how to deal with him. 17 months is a long time for 2 people to be away from each other, and I've been holding in a lot more than just this, but I feel like this has put me over the edge. We cannot talk about the deep things because he's in Iraq- the last thing he wants to do is make decisions about HERE. He was never like this before this deployment. I'm afraid of resenting him when he comes home. I'm afraid of our relationship falling to pieces simply because I just cannot accept the fact that I've got to wait longer. That's a stupid reason- I should be able to accept it!

On top of everything, I'm angry with my own body for not just staying pregnant. Twice now, I should have, and I didn't, and if I had we wouldn't be going through this. He was so excited about each pregnancy!

HELP- I need a perspective!

[eightball61]

Ok....First you need to calm some so you can collect your thoughts the right way..

Now, he may not want to try any longer because of him being constantly gone. When he comes home you should talk to him about this but wait a few days. You need to see and here his views on why. Also, I know it's fustrating about the 2 miscarriages and I am sorry to hear about that but what you need to do is get some tests done with a doctor to see if there is anything wrong.

Again, he probably has a lot going through his head right now and this is probably what he wants. Talk to him after he comes home to see what his thoughts are towards it all. Maybe you both can go for testing together.

I wish you luck & please keep us posted.

[kate2000]

Maybe he is just haveing touble dealing with the miscarriages. Even though you never met your babies you did say he was very excited about the pregnancies. I think its probobly really hard to be away and to not be able to comfort you when you need it the most. It seems resonable that he would rather wait for a better time when he is home and you can both be present for the pregnancy.

Also, being deployed, he is probobly in a stressfull situation even if he wont adimit it to you. So that might have alot to do with his reactions.

I find that when my husband is unwilling to budge on an issue that is important to me, when i let go and stop bugging him about it, he comes around.

I hope my 2 cents help even a little bit.

[coach]

I think you need to allow him time to get back home and adjust to being with you as a partner again.

If he's been on active service for some length of time, he may have been more affected by that experience than he is ready to admit - while he's still on service out there anyway.

When he's had time to unwind and relaxed, my guess is that he may see this differently.

My advice is to keep your plans in mind and your hopes up, but put the issue of getting pregnant on the back burner until he's been back home for a few months.

[draconis]

Being in a war zone can have all kinds of effects on people. My father and mother met in the army. My dad had served two years in Nam. To this day you still can't shake him awake without a violent reaction. My mother wiggles his toe. The stress of his situation might be a burden on him and he might not be able to handle anything else right now. Let him have some time to readjust to home life again.

Another thing to look at is he might be afraid of what the miscarriages have done to you. When you talk to him let him know having a child is important to you.

Last see your OBGYN. Some people naturally have many miscarriages. My mother in law had five and four children.

I wish you the best of luck.

draconis