confused and need advice

[veggirl]

I posted in the "introduce yourself" forum.....

this is my problem.

I have been with my now husband for 3 1/2 years (married for just over a month)

We were both going through divorced when we met.
Mine was a very civil divorce. His was a 3 year nightmare. We both have children (none together)

I moved in with him (the home from his marriage), lived there for almost 2 years, and we just recently sold that home to purchase one of our own.

The 3 years he went through this divorce took a huge toll on him both financially and mentally. He was
in and out of court. Fighting day and night with the ex Since I did not know him previous to this I do not know what his nature was then, but I do know that he is a very angry man right now. He is just angry every day of his life, at anyone...........but he seems to take his frustrations out on me.

I have done everything to stand by this guy through thick and thin, thinking that once he was out of this divorce, we could begin "our" life together and he was calm down. He was divorced in december and he is angrier than ever now. I'm not sure if it's because he was so used to fighting with his ex every day, that he does not know how to shut it off.....or if he is truly not happy with me.

I helped him out in more ways than I can explain here..........financially is one.......and always being there to listen to his venting when he was upset, for whatever that is worth.

I am starting to think he never really wanted to be in a serious relationship wtih me and certainly not marry me...........but he just married me cause he felt trapped (he knew I really wanted to get married)

What should I do? I can't take the anger anymore and I'm ready to call it quits if he can not do something to change. I have a real problem even typing the word "change" though cause in my heart I dont' believe anyone truly can change.

I am devastated inside because I do love him very much.

I would welcome any and all advice.

Thanks so much.

[yourstruly]

I know on forums like this we seem to only hear about the bad stuff, but surely your marriage and your relationship with him isn't ALL bad is it??? Surely the two of you have some happy times? How's the life and intimacy level? How's the communication between you?

Sounds to me as if he could use some counseling to help him overcome his anger towards his ex wife? Before he can truly love someone else, he has to make peace. Or at least he SHOULD, because if he doesn't, he's always going to be angry. And surely that isn't what he wants his kids to see, is it?

[veggirl]

yes, there are good times, but there are also a lot of bad times.

It seems that my husbands resents all women now because of what "she" did to him and I don't know how to make him see that I am not her.

I just want him to be happy and it's not happening.

Our intimacy is not what I wish it would be. It never has been and again, I thought when he got divorced, it would be great. It isn't.

I do not feel comfortable talking to him about my own problems, cause I feel he has enough of his own with his ex and kids so why burden him with mine. So I keep many things to myself. Sometimes just something I say will anger him and he starts on me.

I really do not know how to handle this situtation and me suggesting that he may need counseling, is not something I want to do. I wish he would realize it himself.

I honestly question whether he really is in love with me or not.......

[yourstruly]

judging from what you are saying, he's not IN love with you. He may LOVE you, but being IN love with someone is different from LOVING them. Honestly, I think you were a rebound. And if I were you, unless things get better pretttttyyy quickly, I certainly wouldn't subject myself NOR my kids to his attitude much longer. You and your kids deserve better. Let him work his problems out on his own.

I know what it's like to live with a man with an attitude like that. I was married to one.

[Rich]

Having gone through a divorce with a vindictive, bi-polar, calculating and uncaring , I can offer advice.

First of all, when a man has children with a woman and then decides to divorce her, most times the woman uses the children as weapons to hurt the man. My ex-wife did that to me and no doubt that his ex is doing it to him. And if you love your kids to no end, THIS REALLY HURTS AND IS FRUSTRATING!

Also, when going through a divorce where one side is vindictive, the lawyers pick up on this and suck both parties dry financially. Only a lot of times the woman applies to the courts for the man to pay her legal bills as well. And they get it a lot of times. Very frustrating.

Then a man has to deal with the courts, which are mostly pro woman/mother. It's hard for a man to get a fair deal in the courts during a divorce when they're are kids present.

Overall it's very frustrating and very expensive. As I read the paper and see all of these guys who would rather plot to kill their ex wives, rather than go through a divorce, I can see why. I don't agree, but I can definately see why.

Your husband is pissed at the world for getting ed over in the courts and not being able to do anything about it. His life is financially affected now for the next so many years until his kids graduate college. That's just child support, then he probably also has to pay his ex maintenance for the next so many years.

I can tell you from experience that it is mentally and very financially draining to go through a divorce with kids present. Sometimes you really do just want to puch a wall or strangle your ex, her lawyer and the judge.

How long it will last and how severe his anger is also depends on his maturity and educational level. Less mature or educated individuals it will last longer and they're more apt to do something stupid. If he's mature and educated, then his anger will subside.

But yes, sometimes men will hold grudges towards all women and will view them all as es. Divorce really does suck and really does suck if you're a man.

[veggirl]

Rich,

Thanks for your insight. I had to read that over again............I thought for a second my husband
had posted that response!! You have described his situation with his ex and kids EXACTLY!

He went through a terrible 3 year divorce and out of his three kids, the ex turned one totally against him,
and now the second one is starting to reject him.

It makes me sick.

I would like to say that I am NOT one of those women who drug my ex through the courts and took him for everything. He and I wrote our agreement up ourselves..........NEVER even went in a courtroom.......... He gives me in child support what he can afford............I did NOT want alimoney......and we split everything else 50/50. He and I actually have a "friendly" relationship and do not make any decisions regarding our children without consulting the other. Our children are much better off not seeing their parent fight and trash each other.

I am sure that the anger my husband carries is from this divorce, without a doubt.

I can only hope and pray that ni time he can learn to deal with his anger and find some level of inner peace
so that he and I can build OUR life together.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Rich]

It's very mature of you and your ex to do what you're doing. That's the way a divorce should be.

Hopefully your husband's anger will subside. All that he can do is to keep loving his children and try to make it through this period of life. When the kids are older they will see what the mother is doing and had done and it will drive them closer to the father.

THe funny thing with my ex is that her mother and father divorced and the mother did exactly what my wife is doing now and it drove all the kids to hate the mother and love the father. My ex always claimed that she didn't want to be like her mother, but guess what, she is.

It's tough not seeing my kids as much as I should be able to, but I do know that they will want to live with me full time when they get a bit older. Same with your husband's kids as well.

It's tough, but you just have to make it through.