I hurt so badly

[cherklatch]

Hi everybody. I just joined. My life is in the toilet. I'm an old fart (51) and got married for the second time, after a 20 year hiatus last New Years Eve. Well, our first anniversary was a few days ago and I spent it alone and miserable while he was out with his friends. He didn't come home until 2 in the afternoon the NEXT DAY. We have been having problems since we said "I do" and I don't know what happened. It's not like I rushed into this. I knew him for 4 years before we got married and there were no red flags. He needs major help with anger management as well as other issues. He keeps saying I'm sorry and wants to come home - I kicked him out after the anniversary thing - he lives in MY HOUSE. He's 57 and has been divorced for 20 years too. Just went I think he can't get any worse, he sinks to a completely new low. I know that I have to stay away from him and maybe that will force him to realize his mental problems and get help. That's the only thing that can salcage this marriage. BUT, I am such a softie and keep taking his phone calls or letting him come to visit for supper. No sooner does he think he's got me under his control again and BAM it's back to the same of bullshit. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE. I WISH I NO LONGER LOVED HIM. THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER FOR ME. SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME. i wish there was a face that shows me crying my eyes out. Thanks for listening.

[CalistaClap]

We can help more if we know what the problems are.

Just taking a wild guess, is he physically abusing you? You had mentioned that he needs anger management help, and other things that made me wonder if this is what it is.

If you are no longer happy in the relationship, you wish that he wasn't there, and is you see yourself happier without him, then kick him out. YOu have said that it is your house, so it's your call weather he stays or goes.

Please let us know more so we can offer more advise/support.

[cherklatch]

He is verbally abusive several times a day and it is getting worse as the days go on. Everything I say and do is wrong. I can't pour food in the dog bowl without him telling me how I am doing it wrong or how I should be doing it differently. When I'm cooking he is standing behind me telling me what pots to use, what temperature to cook the food on, where the pots should be stored, etc. YOU GET IT - IT'S A MAJOR CONTROL ISSUE COMPOUNDED WITH THE VERBAL ABUSE 24/7 - I'M CRYING AGAIN. When he is nice there is no man better but when he is mean there is no man worse. The mean far outweights the nice anymore.

[CalistaClap]

Wow. Yeah I'd say that is a bit controlling. Does he also try to controll where you go and what you do, who you see and speak to? Or is it mainly just household things that he needs to be the "boss" of?

Have you spoken to him about how he is treating you? Let him know how you feel and that it is doing nothing but bad for your relationship. Try doing this on one of his nice times. Try suggesting counselling as well. If he finds out how serious you are about this then maybe it will open his eyes that he needs to smarten up.

If he refuses to try and work together to make it better, or refuses to get couples counselling, then you have to do what it is that will make you happy.

I don't think that I could live my life like that, and I don't blame you at all for finding it hard to cope too. There is nothing fun about someone controlling you. You are not a slave, and there is free rights for a reason. Don't let this man deprive you of you happiness out of life. You only live once.

I don't consider 51 to be an old fart. Don't stay with him because maybe you are scared that you will be alone for the rest of your life. There are plenty out there. Now there is online dating as well, which can be pretty good. Also, if it ever come about, and if you did decide to stay single, wouldn't that be better than having someone over your shoulder, breathing down your back 24-7?

My advise to you is to try and seek help for you as a couple. I agree his behavior is not normal at all. If he refuses at least you will have the piece of mind knowing that you gave it all you had. Then move on with your life without him and his demands.

[cherklatch]

Thank you so much for your kind words - I don't hear many of them lately. If you've been through what I have in my 51 years you'd feel like an old fart too. Anyway, I agree that we need couples counseling - but according to my therapist we can not even think of doing that until he deals with his own issues.

I have shared with my doctor that he has major control issues, major anger management problems, an adjustment disorder complicated by clinical depression, and a possible pychosis problem. How do I know? I am a retired (disabled) Physician's Assistant.

What I don't understand is that none of this surfaced until after I said "I do" and it's not as if I rushed into anything. It seems like the minute I said "I do" he wants to be this big boss of my son and I in OUR HOME. My son is a Senior in college and not home too much, but enough to feel the tension and be a nervous wreck.

I simply won't have that because he has been the best son in the world and is an asset to our relationship. He has never been in trouble a day in his life and had to grow up real fast. When my first husband left me when our son was only 10 months old because I wound up in a wheelchair, my son had to become the man of the house and assume the responsibilites that many men his age still haven't been required to do.

He graduated in the top 10 of his high school class, is in the Honors Program at Lehigh University, just formed his own company (www.GroupShares.com) and has never uttered one negative comment to me in his life. I am truly blessed in this regard.

I am out of my wheelchair now but require the services of an assistance dog. You wouldn't believe how active I am considering everything. I have come way too far in my therapy to take several steps backwards and REFUSE TO DO SO BUT IT IS STILL HARD AND IT STILL HURTS. We have come to a point that he either gets help for his own problems or I need to move on.

[CalistaClap]

You said it right there.

You need to stand your ground. It's great that you have such a wonderful relationship with your son.

But you have said yourself that this man has made your son a nervous wreck. He is not only putting the pressure on you, but on your son as well.

I think that the smartest thing that you can do it bluntly tell him to get out, get help, and then you'll try and work things out with him.

It's hard to say why he made such a drastic change from being a great guy to what he is now. Maybe he held his true colors in until he knew he had you for good. But you can prove him wrong.

It's time you were the boss. He has been the boss long enough, and it is compromising you and your sons happiness. You need to tell him how it is. If he loved you like he should, then he won't hesitiate to get help. If not, then it's his loss, and your gain.

:)

Keep us posted.

[cherklatch]

Are you a minder reader or what. We need to go down to Philly for a court case on the 24th through the 27th of this month. Long story - my husband got ripped off in the stock market of his entire life savings. The attorney just called me and I had to call him to relay the message. He was sounding so sad and everything again but this time I did not fall for it. I told him to forget my name if he didn't get help and get help for himself - not because of me. He agreed and I made arrangements for him to go to a mental health clinic Monday morning where, after being evaluated, chances are he is going to be enrolled in an all day every day anger management program. If he doesn't go on Monday, I am calling an attorney for a divorce. It's that simple.

[cherklatch]

Calista, today was a really sad day for me. My husband didn't show up for the anger management classes and I know it's really over now. I guess I was praying that the love he claimed to have for me was stronger than his pride. He now claims everything is my fault and I have an anger management problem. He said that when I snap, I go on for hours. I do because I am so frustrated and it takes me at least three weeks of his badgering before I finally do snap. It's just a really sad day for me and very hard to cope. Thanks for listening.

[CalistaClap]

It is sad to have given him that opportunity to save things between the two of you, and he chooses pride over the relationship.

You did what you could. You gave him chance after chance to prove himself to you. You put up with more than most people could. You let him live in YOUR house while he was acting badly towards you. You even made the appointment for the man, and he still didn't put the effort in.

Cherklatch, you have put up with enough of this mans mental abuse. He has proven that he will not put any effort into it at all. A relationship where you are given 110% and he is given 0% is going to do nothing more than make you mentally exhausted and unhappy. Everyone deserves happiness. No one has the right to deprive you of happiness.

I am usually all for trying to save marriages, but he is doing nothing for it. If you always took him back before without him having to work at it any, he is probably thinking the same will eventually happen this time. Prove to him you are serious. Kick him out for good, cut off all contact. Let him know that this is for real. Maybe after some time he will come to his senses on his own, of what he had, and what he may potentially loose for good, and get help, and then again, maybe he won't. Either way the decision now has to be his. You did what you could, and then some.

It's time to focus on you, and making YOU happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.

We'll be here if you need to chat. I'm here during the day Mon-Fri. (I use the computer at work). I will respond to any new msg's I see as soon as I come in.

**hug**

[cherklatch]

Calista (beautiful name by the way) - thank you so very much. I know what you're saying is the proper procedure but it still hurts my heart and is difficult. I need to keep reminding myself how strong of a woman I am and everything I've been through - and I'll get through this no matter how hard.

I hate that my self esteem is in the toilet again. I feel I've taken several steps backwards in my threrapy. Because I have a medical background and a BRAIN I recognised that I needed help four years ago and have made tremendous progress.

My husband insists that he is just fine and I am the one with problems because I am the one seeing the shrink. The last year with my shrink was utilized on how to cope with him - of course my shrink didn't want me to marry him in the first place. On Thursday I need to tell her she was right.

Just when I think he can't get any lower, he does, and says things like that about my shrink. What hurts more is that he is a slower thought processor than me and I know he has to take the time to think of these things to hurt me. Naturally, I respond with equal venom but it just rolls off my tongue. I certainly don't take any effort to think of things to hurt him. I don't think someone who loves you acts in that fashion.

I need strength not to contact him. Everytime I feel the urge I am going to do something on the computer or remind myself of the really bad things he does and how uncomfortable he is making us feel in our own home. I don't EVER want to be involved in a relationship ever again. I won't change my mind in this regard. I have thought this over carefully. I am just going to learn to be happy with myself and alone.

Even though I am disabled I am very active. I am even the President of an organization named COPS, which stands for Citizens Opposing Political Suppression. My husband is the treasurer. Basically, we fight for people who are getting screwed by local government officials. I am going to just emerce myself into my work, because it is a very worthy cause, amd keep my mind occupied.

I always snap out of depression so easily and this time I am finding it hard to do that - it is affecting very important things that need to be done. I feel I have taken a step in the right direction today and am forcing myself to be productive. You have no idea what a bad life I've had and I just wish the Lord would stop testing me.

My first husband left me when I wound up in a wheelchair and our son was only 10 months old. I have been through thirteen operations to be able to walk again. It took me 17 years of diligence to get my degrees and then became disabled. I lost my business when I became disabled. I made very bad choices with men. We were in a fire, 3 floods, and a roof collapse.

My immediate family members are either dead or living far away. I am an only child. There's much more but I think you get the idea. I know I have many things to be thankful for BUT right now it's hard to see that picture. Again, thanks for caring. I don't know why a total stranger is being so kind to me and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. God bless you.

[CalistaClap]

It is very tough when it's time to face that things are over. I myself am going through something like that in my relationship now. I've given chance after chance and now it's time that I stand up for myself and not give anymore chances.

I agree, it is one of the hardest things, because you are not only punishing him for doing these things to you, but it also punishes yourself that you have to go through all of theis greif too.

But you will get through this. And I know that I will too.

You have mentioned religious statments like "god bless you" or that you've ben praying. I know that ALOT of people find it much easier to cope when they put all of their faith into their religion. Church groups can be a great sorce of support, caring, loving and hope. That is just a suggestion for you if it is not something that you attend now.

You have had a difficult life so far, but you do have a wonderful son that you need to stay postive for. He may be in college now, but trust me, he still needs you now as much as he did when he was younger. I'm 23 and I don't know what I would do without my mother.

Take care, and keep us posted.

[sunshine]

wow, first things first, you are a very strong woman. at 51 years young you are to old to be putting up with this. you are making the right choice letting him go. i know it hurts like hell but the pain will not last forever. if you can take care of your self(owning a home and all) go for it. he will never fix his problem unless he admits he has one, and it dosent sound like hes doing that anytime soon. stick with the people who are good to you and love you they will pull you through it.. these are your years to relax you are retired for gods sake enjoy it..... you found a great place to vent come back anytime well be here good luck

[cherklatch]

Hi guys, thanks for the kind words and advise. I am Italian so it's just a natural think to God Bless everybody. I'm not a religious freak or anything - God just sees me through a lot of tough times.

I think that as of yesterday I have stoppd feeling sorry for myself and I am on the track to being strong again. I am behind in everything. I have many spoons in the pot and can't afford not to stay focused. I'm sure I'll have my bad days, especially if Friday turns out badly.

On Friday we BOTH have a mental health evaluation. He is convinced that I am the nut case. When he is told - and he will be told - that he is the one with the problems and needs help, I am curious to see where it goes from there. If he refuses to acknowledge his problems and agree to get help, I seriously don't think I'll have a choice. I certainly can't live like this anymore.

I'm sure I'm going to need support during my down periods but I honestly think I got my spunk back - or at least part of it - yesterday. I just need to keep it NOW. When I have the down periods - I have to allow myself that time and then quickly bounce back. Then, I think I'll be okay.

My son is going back to college on Friday. Thank God I snapped out of the funk before he left. Otherwise, I would have been a basket case. Thanks again. Take care all. ;)

[CalistaClap]

I"m glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better. Everything will work itself out, it just may take some time to do so.

I'll be thinking about you Friday, and hoping everything works out.

You are a very devoted woman who goes to great lengths to try and salviage this marriage. Putting yourself through a mental health evaulation for your husband proves that. I really hope that he shows up and particiapates. I also hope that he will get help for his problems.

If for some reason he doesn't, don't give in to him anymore. He has alraedy put you through enough grief that you don't need to put up with more.

I hope things go well tommorrow.

[cherklatch]

What an absolute sweetheart. Well today is Friday and NO it didn't go well. This was the fourth day in weeks I had gone without crying until I needed to go through this thing today with him. I checked out fine.

Marriage issues can not be addressed until he deals with his mental problems and the diagnosis is bad. He was worse than ever - I guess being alone and all - and was even making faces at me and such - if it wasn't so pitiful it would have been funny. He is much more messed up than I imagined and he refuses to get help and went storming out. I think my cards are on the table.

I didn't let him see me but after it was over, I began to cry because I have been away from his meanness now for a few weeks, and it was hard to deal with again. Plus, I know the sweet gentle side and still have love in my heart for him. The doctor took me aside and told me not to let him come home. He was frightened for me.

Then, on the way home I stopped at the grocery store. He calls me on the cell phone and wants to know if he should pick up my prescriptions and bring them down to the house as a favor. My response was, "Thank you very much but I'm not going right home tonight." What I really wanted to say was, "This is a joke, right?" All part of the disease. He has borderline personality disorder with psychotic tendencies. OH MY GOD I KNOW!

A.J. went back to school today so I'm all alone now BUT I got my rottys to protect me. Anybody would have to be a fool to mess with me with those two ladies in the house. They are as gentle as can be but I wouldn't want to see them if they needed to protect me - even from him - they are MY dogs. As always, thanks for listening.

[CalistaClap]

What an absolute sweetheart. Well today is Friday and NO it didn't go well. This was the fourth day in weeks I had gone without crying until I needed to go through this thing today with him. I checked out fine.

Marriage issues can not be addressed until he deals with his mental problems and the diagnosis is bad. He was worse than ever - I guess being alone and all - and was even making faces at me and such - if it wasn't so pitiful it would have been funny. He is much more messed up than I imagined and he refuses to get help and went storming out. I think my cards are on the table.

I didn't let him see me but after it was over, I began to cry because I have been away from his meanness now for a few weeks, and it was hard to deal with again. Plus, I know the sweet gentle side and still have love in my heart for him. The doctor took me aside and told me not to let him come home. He was frightened for me.

Then, on the way home I stopped at the grocery store. He calls me on the cell phone and wants to know if he should pick up my prescriptions and bring them down to the house as a favor. My response was, "Thank you very much but I'm not going right home tonight." What I really wanted to say was, "This is a joke, right?" All part of the disease. He has borderline personality disorder with psychotic tendencies. OH MY GOD I KNOW!

A.J. went back to school today so I'm all alone now BUT I got my rottys to protect me. Anybody would have to be a fool to mess with me with those two ladies in the house. They are as gentle as can be but I wouldn't want to see them if they needed to protect me - even from him - they are MY dogs. As always, thanks for listening.

Well I think that you know what you have to do. He is a very unstable man, and even the doctor was scared for you. That must say something as to how bad he really is.

Let it be known to him that you will not put up with it anymore. He needs to get help, and then maybe (if you want) you can try to work things through.

It's such a hard thing to do, but you can't help someone who won't help themselves. He now has medical proof that he is unstable but still refuses to do anything about it.

You don't only have to think about you own happiness, but now your & your son's own saftey. If he is that unstable then it's hard to say what he will do.

[cherklatch]

Hi, it's me again. Today was a bad day. Bill promised me that he would get help for himself if I went to marriage couseling with him. I did last night and all he did was berate me for an hour and tell me he had no intension of getting help. Then he came home and berated me some more UNTIL I took his key and my mac card off of him and sent him packing. Then, he called and left all these angry messages.

Then, I started to have chest pains and difficulty breathing. I drove up the raod to my doctors house - they are firends of mine - while holding my chest. It turns out I was having an anxiety attack but my blood pressure was 206/136 and I could have had a stroke. I wish I didn't take my marriage vows so seriously "for better or worse" and I wish I no longer had any love in my heart for him.

I keep telling myself that he is ill and I need to stick by him, but my doctor made me realize that I can only stick by him if he gets help. He told me not to rush into a divorce but to completely distance myself from him. If he doesn't wise up in a decent amount of time, I need to listen to my brain instead of my heart, and move on. Knowing what I have to do and doing what I have to do just isn't easy.

THIS IS A REALLY DIFFICULT TIME FOR ME - ESPECIALLY BEING ALONE - AND PLEASE DON'T TELL ME TO GO OUT AND PARTY BECAUSE I WANT NO PARTS OF IT OR MEN EVER AGAIN.

I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday. I always feel so much better when I come from her office. I was thinking that maybe I should ask if she'll see me twice a week for a couple of weeks until the worst part is over. Shee helps me to stay focused and strong and reminds me what I deserve.

I did have a few good days, but whenever I need to deal with him, I get all nervous and stressed again. Doctor is right. I just can't go near him or take his phone calls. He said it will either force him to get help or force me to get strong and get a divorce. Thanks once again for listening.

[CalistaClap]

Your Doctor is offering you good advise. This is someone who is not only concerned about your health but you as a person as well. Listen to him, he knows what he is talking about.

Next time you see him tell him that you cannot continue to have any contact with him unless he seeks help for himself.

Then do just that. It's called "though love". But you can't put yourself at risk just because of him. Don't take his phone calls, don't open the door if he comes over, don't talk to him at all. You need to let him know how serious you are this time.

I"m not going to tell you to go out and party but there are things that you can do to occupy your time.

1)Meet with friends or relatives for coffee or a meal a few times a week
2)Go visit your son for a weekend
3)Join chat groups online
4)Join a support group
5)Volunteer at some sort of charity. I know you have mentioned that you do that at one place, but up your time there, or begin work at another one as well.
6)Begin attending a church and become active in the functions.
7) Join a library group.

These are just some ideas that you could try to help you get your mind off of him all of the time. Plus, you will be out meeting new people and making new friends as well.

[cherklatch]

They always say great minds think alike. I did go to visit my son at college last weekend and took the new puppy with me. He's suppossed to come home this weekend BUT we're are slated to get a major snow storm so that might change. However, if he is running out of clean clothes he'll probably chance it anyway.

I made several calls about support groups. My family all live out of town so meals with them is out. I went shopping today and finally exchanged Christmas gifts. It felt good to shop. I spoke at a County Commissioners Meeting today too, and this weekend I plan on working my ass off for my C.O.P.S. group.

I am so far behind on everything and was counting on next week to get back on the band wagon with great vigor. However, I have been notified that I need to testify at a trial next week and need to be in Philly for most of the week. Shit!

My husband was conned out of all his life savings five years ago and it is finally going to trial. I can tell he is taking his meds when he called about the arrangements. However, it's going to take a hell of a lot more than that at this point, but at least he is no longer mean, y, or arrogant.

Anyway, I need to get advice about how to handle that mess next week. I don't even know if I should drive in the same car with him. I just can't be a prick. Even if I hated his guts, I would still testify for him because "it is the right thing to do". He really got screwed. Any suggestions?
:confused:

[CalistaClap]

I would suggest that if you have another way to get there, than take it.

You are being good to him by testifying even after all he put you through, but if you go in the same car as him he may think things are beginning to work out for you guys again.

Like you said, it's going to take alot more than him taking his meds. It sound like he needs professional help, and so that's what he needs to seek.

Is there anyway that you can go there, testify, and not have to drive with him, or stay at the same place with him?

[CalistaClap]

Haven't heard from you in awhile, just wondering how things are going.

Hopefully well.

[Acroav8r]

#1...Clean every DIME out of the bank accounts.
#2...Kill any joint credit cards.
#3...Change the locks
#4...Get a good domestic affairs ( divorce) attorney.
#5...Take a vacation.

If you don't know a good attorney, send me the city and state you are in and I'll get you a name. I'm in ATLA.