Help Me Please

[whoamI]

Wow, I don't even know where to start....Just some background before I divulge what an awful presume I am.....I've Been in a relationship for 5 years and needless to say there has never been a boring moment....We are both in our late thirties and seemingly successful to the outside world. My partner is basically a Hoover vacuum cleaner just one of those people who is always in some kind of crisis. I found myself very attracted or should I say addicted to this super charged kind of person. He is the polar opposite of the man I was married to for 12 years. I can go on forever but I will try to sum this up in a nut shell.
This past year was an absolute disaster for my partner all in which he was solely responsible for at the exception for his best friend dying. He lost his job, owed federal gov't lots of $, lost every credit card, in the past few months not a $ to his name, stopped talking to friends and family.....Basically went into deep depression....Deer in headlights....And for the rest to make sense he is a very private person so through all this he is not sharing this with anyone. Of course this makes me his one and only contact. His depression got so bad that I was very concerned that he may commit suicide. All the signs were there. I went through 2 months of daily terror making sure that I was in some type of contact with him always. I was exhausted, my work was being effected and I was an emotional wreak. So, what do I do? I called his family (family and friends live out of state) and told them what was going on. Intervention happened on Thanksgiving day. He was very angry but soon after said he understood and I guess forgave me?????? He said he was never suicidal however he could see how it could of appeared that way....
So, here’s my real problem....The "I never realized what an awful person I really was" part of the story....In a very weak moment after the intervention...He basically told me that he was letting me go, spend a couple of weeks getting a few things in order and walking out of his front door and just start walking....Basically suicide alternative.....So, a mutual friend calls me w/in an hour of all this...Comes over....I spill my guts....I told her everything....ALL OF HIS BUSINESS...
He comes to his senses in the few days after all this and calls me and we resume our relationship...Things are still in crisis mode but am assured that he will not kill himself...The girl that I told all this too basically called everyone of his friends who called everyone else throughout the US and basically his life is out there now for the whole world to see....Whose fault is it? MINE MINE MINE
It all comes to a head, he finds out, and I am swimming in guilt....He didn't leave me but the betrayal he feels is very obvious.....As it should be.....
I'm at the end of my rope....He was finally seeing the light of day and now this happened....I can't be this awful person....The problem is I am an awful person "TO HIM".....While swimming in my river of guilt I remember the other 2 times that I seriously betrayed him.....Here it is and I told the same girl to boot....3 years ago we decided not to go through with a pregnancy (to say it gently) I told her.......And one other time while with her and two other people that both my partner and I know I talked about his financial difficulties.....
Would you believe that I love this man....Because I do.....But I have treated him with pure cruelty....He does not know about the last 2 betrayals....But I do and he deserves to be treated better...He may not ever know.....My past actions have become very real and frightening to me....
I have 3 choices:
Come clean he'll leave me but the truth will be known
Leave him (even though I can't imagine life w/out him) but he'll meet someone who wouldn't do these things to him
Go on, I've learned my lesson, and hope that he never finds out
I just don't like myself anymore.....I can't believe I am capable of this type of behavior.....I don't look, act, or feel like the me that I know.....I can't sleep...My work and other relationships are suffering......
I don't know what to do....
Can someone please help me?

[eightball61]

If you cheated on him then its best you need to tel him. The feeling will only get worse down the road. If you want him to be honest with you then you need to be honest with him.

[CalistaClap]

Ok, I'm confused....Did you cheat on him? Was the pregnancy his? If so, how is that betraying him?

You did not do wrong by telling someone. Especially when you thought that he may commit suicide. That is what you are supposed to do, to do everything you can to keep it from happening. This is ALOT for one person to handle. He was using you as his one and only confidence, therefore putting alot of pressure on you.

You, therefore, to releave this pressure from yourself talked to one of your friends about everything. Exactly what I would have done. Just talking about problems often makes you feel a heck of alot better.

The problem, your "friend" decided to tell the world. Not a very caring move on their behalf. All I see that you've done wrong is tell the WRONG friend. One who can't keep things to themselves.

Also, if he is so troubled, he should have enough respect to not put all of his troubles on you. It's great that he is open to you, but he also should have talked with a friend, family member, or if that isn't his style, then a doctor. I'm sure you have enough stresses of your own that you do not need to deal with all of his all of the time, as well.

So you talked about an abortion (that is what I'm assuming you mean). And I"m assuming that it was his, and you had agreed to keep it secret. But that is something that can put alot of guilt onto a person. This is something that you have probably been living with for a long time and just needed to get it off your cheat. That is understandable, and that's what friends are for. I see nothing wrong with that.

You talked about his debt. I agree, that is not the best thing in the world that you could have done, but again, it was a stress that was on you also, and you had to get it off of your chest. My b/f has alot of debt and $ issues, and I've spoken to my friends about it. Not that I am putting him down by it, but it is affecting me too, and I need to get it off of my cheat. By doing so, I am also trusting my friend of not taking this info and telling every passer-byer.

Trust me, in this day and age, there is alot more going around then talking about one's money issues. Don't be so hard on yourself. You could have done alot worse.

I also must commend you. There are alot of woman who would find out about all of this about their b/f, being broke, also being in debt, having such high stress, no friends, stop communication w/family, depression,etc, etc, and would be very quick to leave. You are there for him in good times, and now you are proving also in bad times. I hope he realizes how lucky he is in that aspect of his life, because it can be hard to find such a devoted partner.