girlfriend has several guy friends...

[2 qk 4 u]

and alot of them she has had with.

I'm having some difficulty dealing with this issue. She tells me that if she still wants to talk to them she can. I have not said anything but "that's just kinda weird" when they call her and talk. I don't talk to any girlfriends that I've had or hadn't had with. I give her absolutely no reason to not trust me.

The fact that she still relates with these guys only gives me reason to think that something will spark between them again. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

About me: I'm 24yrs old. this is my 3rd serious relationship. last two ended by me breaking it off because they cheated on me. Once with best friend and once with her kids' dad :( go figure huh.

TIA ,

[eightball61]

Let me get this straight :rolleyes: You are dating a girl that is sleeping with other men??? :eek:

Are you able to do the same?

What I am trying to get at is how can you call this a relationship. Dump her now before your emotions get worse....and it will...Trust me on this one.

[2 qk 4 u]

no, i didn't say she was sleeping with them. talking on the phone with them and text messages.

what i mean is that she has HAD with them in the past and still talks to them but she swears they are just friends.

[CalistaClap]

I don't see at big problem with the fact that she still speaks with them. I still talk to a few of my ex's (definatly not all), but just the ones that I wasn't all that serious with.

But I also might add that they do not call me, and if they did I would ask them to stop.

This is something that she wants. It all depends on how trustful you are with her, and how much you can take. I would be uncomfortable if my b/f had his exes calling him all the time. But I wouldn't really mind if he spoke to them if he seen then somewhere out and about.

Have you told her how you feel? If not, I suggest that you site down with her and let her know how much this bothers you. Dont TELL her to stop, that is something that she needs to decide to do for the relationship, or not.

Keep us posted.

[2 qk 4 u]

CalistaClap - thanks for the reply. I totally understand where it can and can't be acceptable.

She knows how I feel about it but is not budging. We are both very stuborn.

On xmas I had my friend stef text message me saying merry christmas. My g/f got real mad about that. See here is the thing I havn't talked to stef since I started seeing my g/f. nothing happened with stef and i just talked. no or flirting. since xmas I have told stef about my new relationship and she has not called or txt me.

[eightball61]

no, i didn't say she was sleeping with them. talking on the phone with them and text messages.

what i mean is that she has HAD with them in the past and still talks to them but she swears they are just friends.


Relationships are based on trust then.

[2 qk 4 u]

Relationships are based on trust then.

Very good point. Thanks 8ball

[cherklatch]

Sweetie, take it from an old fart with a medical background and has gone through years of therapy. We always wind up falling prey to the same set of circumstances in relationships because it's bagage from our past. Something happened in our lives as we grew up to make us feel that is what we deserve. I'm going to sum it all up for you dear. YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT BULLSHIT. Tell her to stop it or move on - no matter how hard it is - trust is one thing this is quite another. If you really love her, start doing the same thing and see how long she takes it. My guess is not very long. There's also such a thing as respect - and you're not getting it from her. Remember no one does anything to us unless we let them. Good luck.

[eightball61]

Very good point. Thanks 8ball


It is a good point and if you can't trust your partner then you have no point to being in the relationship. Take it from us and try to move on from this. Besides trust you both need to compromise and if she is not willing to hear you out and change some things then she will never change. I am not saying she has to stop the communication with these males but she has to do something to make you feel more comfortable.

[cherklatch]

I do have one other point - basically you're suppossed to be her best friend - what is it she needs to talk about with these guys that she can't talk about with you? Doesn't she have any girlfriends? I always wondered about any girlfriends that I had over the years that had more male friends than female ones. That always struck me as strange if they had a boyfriend.

Besides I'm a firm believer that you just don't sleep with your friends. It's nice and all that she has remained friends with her old boyfriends and does say something positive about her BUT I remain friends with many of my old boyfriends and MAYBE talk to them twice a year at most and there is usually a damn good reason.

Something we had in common and need advice or something of that nature- like a consult about a patient - or maybe to let me know about a death in their immediate family (mother or father) whom I was very friendly with - something in that regard. This is just weird. I don't get it. :confused:

[CalistaClap]

Besides I'm a firm believer that you just don't sleep with your friends. It's nice and all that she has remained friends with her old boyfriends and does say something positive about her BUT I remain friends with many of my old boyfriends and MAYBE talk to them twice a year at most and there is usually a damn good reason.


I agree with this point to an extent. I think that a friendship can come out of a relationship. I can think of about 3 guys who I've had a relationship with, and slept with while in that relationship who I talk to quite frequently. That does not mean that it interfears or threatens my current relationship at all.

There should be a line drawn as to where this communication should stop. Also, I think that it depends on how serious these relationships were, and why they ended.

The more serious the relationship, the harder it is to stay friends, and friends only.

The 3 that I stayed friends with were:
1) Someone I used to work with. We dated for a few months and realized he was ready for alot more then what I was. We tried to "meet in the middle" but that never really worked. So we sat down, had a mature converstaion that we have tons of fun with each other but romantic wise, it wasnt going to work. We still see each other from time to time, and might grab a coffee or something together. I still give him Christmas cards and birthday cards. That's it....friends.

2) A guy I dated in High School who was part of my group of friends. We dated for a little over a year. He cheated....twice. We broke up, but we still had the bond of being friends, and have remained so. I don't see him much because he moved to another province, but we e-mail each other from time to time, and if I were to see him I know we'd talk for hours.

3) I dated this guy while I was in High school. He was a few years older and lived about 45 mins away. We found it hard to spend time together. Both of us came out of a serious relationship a little before that and after awhile realized we weren't completely over the other, and it ended. But again, we still talk when we see each other. We can still laugh about old times, etc. He has a new g/f and I really like her.

So therefore I suggest that you really find out the reasons as to why it ended. If it was her decision, or his, or both.

Find out what the convo's are about. Are they about something everyday like....movies, the war, etc, or are they flirting all of the time.

She really needs to be the one who chooses which is more important to her. He relationship with you, and only talking to these guys minimumly, or these guys all of the time, and being single.

[eightball61]

I can think of about 3 guys who I've had a relationship with, and slept with while in that relationship who I talk to quite frequently. That does not mean that it interfears or threatens my current relationship at all.

.


Not all people though learn to seperate those past feelings like you have. You have a gift like that but many others find it hard to remain friends after a relationship like that...You both have good strong points.

[2 qk 4 u]

Wow you guys, thanks for the replies. I really appreciate everything. It opens up doors to think about that I never did before.

Over the weekend I did notice that a guy called her while we were out browsing at the mall. She didn't answere but She said to me "oh that's James, I'll call him back later" I heard the little dingin noise from her phone - he left a message. Now, this guy used to work with her. I don't believe they have dated or messed around. Well, she never told me what he wanted or what the message said. As far as I know that is the only contact from guys she had this weekend. Should I ask her what James wanted?

TIA,

[CalistaClap]

It just doesn't set right with me that she can't talk to these guys around you.

Is it because she doesn't want anything to interrup her time with you, or is it because she has things to say to them that you will not like?

[eightball61]

Theres only 2 options here......

Its either she does what a partner is suppose to do and that compromise some with you or you take the action of moving on....Its her choice

[2 qk 4 u]

It just doesn't set right with me that she can't talk to these guys around you.

Is it because she doesn't want anything to interrup her time with you, or is it because she has things to say to them that you will not like?

I don't know the answer to that question. I feel really bad that she knows I don't like guys calling her. Just like when she gets upset when a girl text messages me.... :confused: I'm confused and have butterfly stomach.

[2 qk 4 u]

She claims that she only wants me and me only. That these guys are only "friends" reminds me of that song Biz markee - "she says he's just a friend, but he's only just a friend. Unreal ya know.

What I know is that you have a single lifestyle or a committed lifestyle. When you are committed you give up single things you used to do and do committed things together with that special someone.

Is it my problem that I feel insecure or is it that she doesn't give me a feeling of security?

[eightball61]

Is it my problem that I feel insecure or is it that she doesn't give me a feeling of security?


I feel its a little of both...What I am saying is that you feel insecure like I would she is talking to ex's but at the same time she is not giving you thee comfort of "don't worry".

[2 qk 4 u]

See, I already told the girls that used to call me and hang out when I was single that I have "hooked up" with someone. They already knew to quit calling me and wanting me to hang out. Just out of respect. But guys are different. Alot of guys don't care if the girl is married or if themselves are married. I guess she allows how far the guy can go huh? Man this sucks.

[eightball61]

I guess she allows how far the guy can go huh? Man this sucks.


Thats why in my last post I stated she has the power or something like that...

[2 qk 4 u]

I'm really in love with this woman. I don't even think about talking, looking, or being with another woman. She claims the same things.

Should I ask her what this guy wanted over the weekend?

[eightball61]

Should I ask her what this guy wanted over the weekend?


Look....drop that issue and try to work on "us" that is what needs to take place right now. You may love her but if she truelly did the same to you then she would work with you and not against you.

[2 qk 4 u]

Ok, I should drop it. If she wants to flirt with these guys and be all like that it'll eventually push me away from her and she'll lose me. End of story. I've been hurt way too much in the past to even considering this type of torture! :(

[eightball61]

Ok, I should drop it. If she wants to flirt with these guys and be all like that it'll eventually push me away from her and she'll lose me. End of story. I've been hurt way too much in the past to even considering this type of torture! :(

You are not listening....Stop for a minute and think about this. Try to compromise with her and if she can;t then move on. Its her choice...

[CalistaClap]

Ok, You've told us that she knows that you don't like these guys calling her.

Does she know HOW MUCH it bothers you? Does she know that you are debating on leaving her over this issue? Or does she just think it's something that makes you uncomfortable and you'llget over it.

If they are going to call her, and she has nothing to hide, she should be able to talk to them around you. There should be nothing secret from you, and if there is, then it's taking away from your relationship.

You shouldn't have to always wonder what she is discussing with the other guys. She should tell you, or do it in front of you, if she is going to do it at all.

Before you end it, make sure she knows how serious you are about this subject. Like said above, there is single life, and then there is life when you're with someone. There is no inbetween. SHe has to decide which she wants more, and stick to it.

If she chooses you, but doesn't stick with it, then move on.

[eightball61]

Ok, You've told us that she knows that you don't like these guys calling her.

.


She could have just told him that thinking it will ease things on him but it really doesn't...