Help!! Pleeeaaassseee!!

[babydoll]

I have been dating my boyfriend for quite some time now and I recetly moved in with him. He's a great guy and we get along good most of the time. The problem I have is that he tells me he loves me, but I just don't feel it. I love him with all my heart and I go out of my way to show him on a daily basis, just doing the little things I know he likes. But he, on the other hand, doesn't show me any affection. It's minor things but I notice them and it really hurts. Like sometimes when he tells me he loves me he doesn't look at me. And when I know something is bothering him but he won't open up to me. And he comes home from work and goes straight to the television instead of talking to me. And after we have he hurries to put his clothes on, he's not unattractive in any way, he's a very nice looking man and seems confident with himself, so it makes me wonder why he is like that. I don't know how to discuss my needs with him without sounding like I'm picking on him or being mean. Any guys out there with any insight on how the male mind works when it comes to this type of thing? HELP PLEASE!!

[CalistaClap]

Without being able to communicate with each other, you are going to run into ALOT of problems.

That should be the first thing that you try and overcome.

When talking with him, talk to him in a normal way. Do not nag, whine, or get angry with him. Just sit down with him and tell him what you feel.

Ask him if there is a reason behind any of the things he does, or doesn't do. Ask if there is something bothering him.

It may just be the way he is. There are some people who are not overly affectionate, but that doesn't mean that they feel any less than what they should.

How long have you been dating, and also, how long have you been living together? Sometimes it talked awhile for someone to be completely comfortable with someone else.

[eightball61]

To be honest here you are not alone with this issue. This is somthing that many couples have a problem with. Different people show affection differently and he may be the type not to show it even in the littlest way.

It will be hard to get him to show you what you want but the best way is a communication session either in a letter form or unplugging that TV and standing in front of it.

I beleive that he does love you but like you said he doesn't know how to show it. You need to let him know what you want and whats ok. You may have to baby him some to make him feel confortable enough to cuddle with you. Devote 1 hour a night for you both just to talk or cuddle to watch tv.

[babydoll]

We have been dating for about a year, living together for two months. I have tried talking to him normally and he ignores me, watches television, or says "i love you, don't worry" he won't actually discuss it with me. I tried turning the television off and he just got mad and went into the garage. Before I moved in with him this was never an issue. Now all of the sudden is a big issue, for me mostly. Once or twice a week is fine with him, but it isn't for me. As I said before, he's extremely attractive, and tells me that he finds me attractive. I'm not at all overweight and most men I've met consider me attractive also, but I can't help but think it might be something about me that turns him off. He just never wants to talk about it, he changes the subject, gets mad, or just ignores me completley. I'm getting so frusturated that I get mad and I can't help it.....

[eightball61]

A few thing you can do is step in front of the TV and unplug it then talk to him one on one. Another thing you can try is more on the romantic side of things. What you can do is pick a night where you know a time he is coming in from work or something and have a special dinner planned for him. Durning dinner explain to him yo want to know his wants and needs and you want to tell him yours. You also need to discuss some things you like to work on and let him know its ok to show some affection.

[CalistaClap]

So he wasn't like this before you moved in together?

[babydoll]

NO, he was not at all like this, or maybe he was and I just didn't notice it as much because I wasn't with him every second. But it still is really bothering me, before I moved in he talked about getting married, and now he never mentions it, and still no proposal. I told him when I moved in that I was uncomfortable with it because we're not married and we both have a small child from previous marriages. He assured me that we would be getting married soon. I feel like he only said that to get me to move in. He acts totally different now, never talks about marriage, or the future, doesn't talk to me much at all really. He just seems so distant. :( I don't know what to do, I've tried everything I can think of......

[eightball61]

He just seems so distant. :( I don't know what to do, I've tried everything I can think of......


What have you tried? Have you tried some of the things I talked about? Did you unplug the TV or set a nice dinner where nothing around to grab his attention except for you talking to him?

[babydoll]

Yes I've tried all of that, he gets mad when I turn the television off and I can't get him to sit at the dinner table with me to eat unless the kids are here. When I try to talk to him he changes the subject and gets mad if I'm persistent, saying that I just don't want to believe that he loves me, or that I'm looking for a reason to leave him. That is totally not true, I don't want to leave at all, it would kill me, I just want to know that he loves me.

[CalistaClap]

Well bluntly tell him that he is doing nothing to show you that he loves you.

His behavior does sound odd. He doesn't have any reason, or any symptoms of being depressed or over stressout about things does he?

Maybe he has just became too comfortable with you, and is doing what ALOT of people do, by taking their other for granted.

It may come down to you making a desicion. If he isn't willing to change, either you'll have to be willing to accept that he isn't affectionate (AT ALL), or give him the untimadium and be preparred for the worst outcome...breaking up.

[eightball61]

Yes I've tried all of that, he gets mad when I turn the television off and I can't get him to sit at the dinner table with me to eat unless the kids are here. .


Thats why you need to make a stand about this. He gets mad but what do you do? You allow it more to happen. This may cause a big fight but you need to stand up for your rights and take a pair of sissors and cut the cord to the TV when you unplug it. Then sleep in a seperate for for a while and tell him that its going to be this way until he shows he wants to be with you.

[babydoll]

Thank you guys for the advice, I wrote him a long letter after he went to bed the other night and left it in the bathroom so he'd find it when he woke up. I explained exactly how he makes me feel and told him what I needed from him. I don't know what was different about the letter, but it seemed to get into his head. He spent the whole day with me today, just being lazy in bed. He told me he loved me and that he was sorry for the way he's been treating me, he admitted that he just got too comfortable. But, he reassured me at least a hundred times today that he want's to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel much better now, and I think he does too. Thanks again. :)

[eightball61]

I am glad to hear of the change and hopefully it stays this course. If it was me though I wouldn't allow the letter to be the only form to communicate this. Try to get a chance just to express to him openly so he can see what communication you want so you both and work on this together and get the team work flowing....goodluck :cool:

[CalistaClap]

I'm so happy to hear that he opened his eyes and realized.

I hope everything contiues for the better.