Trapped or Crazy?

[eightball61]

Thank You For Your Replies....

[snazzyassets]

I can't speak for your girlfriend, but I have so many female friends in this situation. I think that alot of her "criticism" may come from many factors. This might sound stupid but there are so many articles in magazines and such that tell women that your man wants to be babied, pampered, and wants you to make him a better man. It also comes from our relationships with other women, to be able to say " I got him to quit _____for me." isn't a bad feeling, especially when you know that another friend is having issues. Another factor is definetly insecurity. When she can see that you are making these changes that she is requesting, it gives her a sense of power. I know that one from experience. Hopefully this helps, I know your input has helped me! :)

[CalistaClap]

Eightball like you've told me so many times it has to be 50-50. No you are not asking too much.

From what I remember before, you have stated that she is a few years younger than you. Sometimes it all has to do with maturity. As I have been finding out recently in my own life.

Alot of girls, especially when younger act very differently around their friends as opposed to their b/f. Not that they mean anything by it, it is just how things are. I know I do. When I am with a group of girls, we can talk more openly about things, act more foolish and giddy, because we don't have to worry about trying to impress a guy. It's nothing personal, but girls have a different type of bond with their g/f's than they do with their b/f's.

As far as getting mad when she can't get ahold of you seems to be to be insercurity problems, like you both have stated you have. When one cant seem to locate the other, insecurities take over and they assume the worst is happeneing. Trusting the other is the major factor.

When you say that you both have insecurities, what do you mean? Are you always thinking the other is cheating, or wanting to leave you? I'm not really clear on this.

I'm not trying to bash her age by any means, it's just from general experience this is how I see things. I know that over the past 6 months or so I've FINALLY (and i'm 23) am realizing that I have matured enough that I am ready to be with 1 person for the rest of my life. The looks & popularity along with jealousy and controlling that used to be the pattern of my dating is now being changed to other simplier dating qualities such as family values, location, and stability. When I was younger, even though I THOUGHT I was ready to be with one person, in reality I wasn't. This may not be the case for you two, it's just a female's prespective.

So just to clarify, what is it exactly that you want her to do that she isn't?

[snazzyassets]

It sounds like she has issues that go beyond you. From the things you say, she doesn't sound like she is genuine in her feelings for you. When you care about someone, you don't treat them that way. I think she gets a rise out of the control she has on you. She has figured out how to manipulate your feelings and use them against you.

Why shouldn't you be able to talk to her and speak your mind? Thats the only way to grow in a relationship. Even with the problems that I have in my relationship, I would never tell my partner that he shouldn't talk to me and I'm glad he feels like crap.

It sounds like you deserve much better than this.

[CalistaClap]

I by no means have a successful relationship, and probably don't have much room giving you advise, but here is my input any way. ;)

Yea I have to agree that what she said was pretty harsh.

You definatly should be able to discuss things that are bothering you. That is a major part of a relationship. Does she have a problem discussing things that bother her with you?

From what I can tell you don't seem to be the type of person who would hurt someone intentionally. Your g/f should know that of you and realize that by you bringing this up, it has been on your mind for awhile. And niether of you should feel like crap (or wish the other did) because of it. Talking and working on things is THE MOST important thing in a relationship, other than spending time together.

You say that the age plays a big difference. How so? And also, can I ask roughly what the age difference is? Is she (generally) mature for her age?

It's hard to determine what is making her act the way she is. Maybe she has just gotten so "comfortable" with you that she has forgotten that the relationship needs effort.

Is this something that has been going on the whole way through, or is it something that just surfaced?

[CalistaClap]

Again, I am going to bring up the age thing.

You have had 5 years of maturing that she hasn't had. I by no means am saying that there is anything wrong with your age differences, but to me, if I were dating an 18 year old, I would expect them to be immature.

Although, I have a guy friend who is 26, and is dating someone 17, (she may be 18 by now), and they get along great. She is a very nice girl.

You mention that you letting her enjoy being a teenager, and that's great. But that's not what I am meaning when I suggest that the age may have something to do with the problem. I am suggesting that maybe with her only being 17, she is seeing how her other 17 year old friends act in a relationship, and is doing the same. Maybe she is being as mature as an average 17 year old is. Mentally, she just may not be ready like you are. Do you get my drift? I hope you don't think that I am trying to put her down for her age, but it's just a thought.

I personally would tell her exactly what you told us here. Don't candy coat it, or round off the edges. Tell her how you feel, and that it is making you unhappy, or question things between the two of you. Tell her that you too need affection, and attention. Don't appologize if it causes an argument, because you have to stand up for yourself and get what you need also. I do understand that she may cry, but trust me, girls cry easily. She may get hurt feeling, but you have too. It should be nothing for her to take offense to.

You use the term "changing" alot. You have done things to change for her, she isn't doing things to change for you, etc. Other than the habits part (smoking, drinking, etc), I really don't think that you should try and change someone. You for her, or her for you. But to ask someone to "show" you more effection, or respect, is a different thing, and something that should be done.

I really hope everything works out for the two of you, but don't neglect your needs just to suit hers.

[CalistaClap]

Good. I'm happy that you two had a good morning.

She might have just needed this wake up call to open her eyes a bit and see that she isn't putting enough effort into it as she should be.

I hope things continue going well.

[lisa818181]

If you have to change a person THAT much for them to be right for you, it's just not going to work out. If she didn't love and accept you the way you were, but felt she had to mold and change you to fit the image of what she wants in a boyfriend, then you are not right for her. Likewise, if you feel that there are a whole lot of things that need to change about her--it would be better to just find someone else who fits what you want more closely than to try and make her into what you want her to be.

If you are right for each other, you should each find in the other everything you NEED and most of what you WANT.

If neither of you can feel secure in your relationship, there can't be a lot of trust there. If you don't trust each other, get out now. Relationships are about love and respect. She needs to understand that sometimes you may be unavailable, and you will get back to her as soon as you can. There's absolutely no excuse for throwing a tantrum just because she can't reach you for a little while. That is childish and completely unfair.

In a good relationship, you should always be able to talk to the other person about how you feel, or things that you are unhappy with, without feeling like the other person is going to tear you apart for it. Good communication means letting the other person know how you feel and listening with calm and understanding to what they have to say. Throwing around blame will get nowhere.

It sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself to stay when you've already given so many reasons to leave. It is FAR better to be single than to be unhappy in a relationship. Relationships do take work, but they shouldn't need a complete overhaul and makeover in order to make them happy.

If your car needed 65% of its parts replaced in order to work, you would get rid of it and find yourself a new one that works the way it is, even if it needs a little bit of fine tuning and maintenance to keep it that way. Wow, I like that metaphor :)

[lisa818181]

You would do anything for her, but would she do the same for you? In a relationship that has equality and respect, that should be the case. At the same time, you should BOTH try to be considerate and not ask too much of them. Here is the "golden rule" my boyfriend and I have worked out for a successful relationship:

Give all you can and take only what you need.

This only works if it's a two-way street, though. For instance, I know my boyfriend would drive 5 hours through a snow storm for me if I asked him to, for almost any reason at all. But I would never ask him to unless it was REALLY important. He knows I would do anything for him too, but he wouldn't ask me to unless it was something he really needed. We both give all the time, while asking very little. When one person gives and gives, and the other person just takes, or just lets them give without giving back themselves, the relationship is unbalanced and unequal.

[CalistaClap]

If that is what you feel that you need to do, then take that time and see if it will work. Waiting it out won't hurt anything, and can do more good than harm.

At least this way if it doesn't work out, you know what you didn't jump the gun too fast.

I do hope that she comes around. She is lucky to have such a sensible and commited b/f.

[CalistaClap]

How are things going today?

[CalistaClap]

That's true, a positive attitude can do a world of difference.

Have a good and positive weekend.

[CalistaClap]

How have things been lately?

[CalistaClap]

How have things been lately?

[CalistaClap]

Trust me, been there done that. Have you told her how much it bothers you when she does that? I know I had a time like that before the sh*t it the fan.
I think that I was too comfortable and started to take him for granted. That could be what she is doing.
Then I smartened up, and found out afterwards that he cheated before I started even started to act the wrong way. :(
I think that she needs a wake up call. She probably doesn't realize that she does it, and if she does, then probably doesn't realize how bad she does it.

As for me.....umm, not too much news lately. Still seeing each other a few times a week. I spent the weekend there. Because of all of the snow I was pratically stranded there anyways. He's been very "busy" lately with his friend, going in the woods for nights, and fourwheeling alot. I'm happy that he is socializing with his friends again, but at the same time it makes me nervous about us because he tends to go for 2-3 days at a time, when before he was upset if he missed a day without seeing me. .....so I guess it's still up in the air.

I don't know what advise to offer you. All I can suggest is talking to her again, and telling her how you feel. Let her know that her taking things our on you is putting a big strain on the relationship.

Although I can't offer very constructive advise in this situation, I will offer that I"ll be here if you want to vent.

[CalistaClap]

You could always make up a nickname similar to the one you had before, and some people may clue in that it's you, just hopefully not the mods.

Is ElatedGiraffe, ReddoorBlack, Goodyshoes, Littlelostsoul or HeartlandGuy still on there?

Your g/f is lucky to have such a patient b/f. Alot of people tend to split when the going gets tough. I hope she realizes that.

As for me, this weekend with my b/f was good, when I left Monday morning everything was fine. But I didn't hear from him the rest of Monday, and yesterday I called him at his friends house from work because I was starting to get a bit worried. He acted fine on the phone and told me he would call me later. Well he called me at work a few hours later and said he was going in the woods for the night and would call this morning. Still no call. I"ve called his house and his friends house. I don't know if I have anything to get nervous over, but I sorta am.

Ugg, relationships are a headache, lol.