Help!!! Sad And Confused

[sunshine]

Hi My Name Is Samantha I Have Been Married For 6 Years And Have 3 Kids. About 2 Years Into My Marrige I Was Unfaitful, Before You Get All Down On Me Let Me Explain.. I Had A 3 Month Old Baby And Was Pregnant, My Husband Worked Alot And When He Didnt He Was In The Bars, I Met This Guy Who Was Exactly What I Wanted My Husband To Be I Was Depressed And Alone. He Said And Did All Of The Right Things,after It Was All Over And Done With I Felt Like Sh**. For 4 Years I Kept This Secret Until About 8 Months Ago, I Tortured Myself With It, I Coulndt Keep It Anymore. I Finally Sat My Husband (chris) Down And Told Him Everything, Not Expecting What Would Happen Next.. He Informed Me He Had Cheated Also With My 2 Best Friends. I Know I Did It Too But When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot It Hurts.. Things Are Better Now Than They Have Ever Been, Hes A Gerat Daddy And A Wonderful Husband And He Has Proven That I Can Trust Himand He Trust Me. The Only Prob. Is I Cant Seem To Get Over This. Everytime I Close My Eyes I Can See Him With These Other Women(like A Fly On The Wall And I Cant Stop Them) I Love This Man More Than Anything And Want To Be With Him And Hold Our Family Together, But At The Rate Im Going Ill Be The One To Tear Us Apart Because I Cant Let This Go. I Time That Should Be Spent With My Children Trying To Look Better And Be A Better Person Than These Other Women. I Dont Know What To Do. Chris Dosent Want To Talk About It He Just Wants Me To Forget It Ever Happened, And Its Hard To Forget When I Have To Eat Thanksgiving And Christmas Dinner With One Of Them( His Brothers Live-in Girlfriend). Please Help......

[l4linda]

I've been there sort of, except my ex never stopped the behavior, and after a number of years of him cheating I finally left, got divorced about 6 years ago. I remarried just last September.

My ex cheated with two of my friends, among others. He lied his way through all of his affairs, but I knew the truth, and before I finally left, he admitted to all of them. I'm no longer friends with one of the women, but have remained friends with the other one. I'm not sure exactly why, but somehow I was able to forgive her. It didn't happen overnight - it took me a long time - a few years actually, but the friendship was repaired and is now strong again.

Don't expect to get over this right away. Even though it was in the past, since you just recently found out, the wound is still fresh. That being said, also keep in mind that nothing in the past can be changed. All we really have for sure is the moment we're in. Life is really so short - too short to waste dwelling on things you can't change.

You said you love your husband and want to keep your family together. If that's what you really want, you need to find a way to let the past go and live in the present, because you're right - anger, pain, and inability to forgive will damage your relationship. If your husband would talk about it, it might make it easier for you to get over it, on the other hand, dredging it up now could make the situation even worse. If he's not willing to discuss it, consider getting some individual counseling, just yourself, so you can work through your feelings and learn to let them go. There are also some really good books out there on dealing with these kinds of situations, getting over them, and getting on with life, and specifically for people who want to stay together. You might want to check some of them out. You can find books on this subject at any good bookstore, including the many internet bookstores.

I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive your husband, let go of your hurt, and re-focus your attention on what you have - it sounds like your marriage is worth it, and you and your husband both deserve a new beginning.

Let it go and move on - I know, easy to say, much harder to do! I assure you though, it can be done and has been done by a lot of other couples in similar situations. We're all human, all make mistakes, and all need to be forgiven by those we care about. The past is gone and can't be changed, all you have now is the present and the future. Live in the present, and let the past go. Best wishes!

[CalistaClap]

Wow that's a hard one.

To me I think that i would be a bit upset that it tortured me for years to keep it in, and then when I come clean, he admits to 2 cases of it.

If you hadn't of told him, would he have ever of told you?

I think that having a friendship with these woman afterwards is not a smart idea. If they were any type of friends at all, they would not have done what they did to you. Cheating a partner is one thing, but to me cheating a friend is worse. Friends are supposed to be your unconditional support system, who are supposed to help get you through things like this, not cause them.

Yes you both did wrong, and if you work at it, you can get past it. I know alot of people go to couple's counselling, or use the counselling of a minister, preist, etc. to try and help them through this. Also like mentioned above there are alot of books out there.

Holding the grudge on the other woman I find is one of the hardest things. You have to let the anger for her go for both you and your husband. Having that anger built up against someone is very exhausting (been there, done that). Don't let her get the best of you again, by you focasing all of you energy on anger over this situation. I'm by no means telling you to forget it happened, but don't do it to yourself to be so angrey towards her.

As far as having to see her with your Brother in law. I don't know as that could be something I could do. It shouldn't be something that you have to do. IF you are not comfortable with it, your husband should not insist that you and he go. He was the one who slept with her, so he should have a bit of compasion towards you for not wanting to go. IF it makes you uncomfortable, and upset, then don't go where she is. If she is at a holiday function on his side of the family, join your side of the family for that holiday instead. Or have your own holiday dinner at your own home with you, your husband and your children. You could always skip the holiday function and volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. This way you will be feeling positive feelings for helping someone, not hatred and anger, because that is not what the holidays are ment for. At least for awhile until things can sink in.

It's going to take alot of work. Especially since he has have 2 infidelities, and you one. Really think about getting outside help for the two of you, and I suggest staying away from this other woman until wounds start to heal, and yes, it could be years.

[Rich]

To save your marriage, if that's what you TRULY want to do, then you need to forgive and forget (mostly) and move on. Your husband has been able to do that.

I would suggest going to talk to a professional.

You mentioned why you cheated on your husband, but not why he cheated on you. I hope you both corrected the issues that drove you both to cheat.

As for Thanksgiving Dinner, I don't think anyone is holding a gun to your head to have it with that woman present. I'm sure it's probably uncomfortable for your husband as well to go.

BTW...does the brother in law know that his woman cheated with your husband?

Work to forgive, forget and move on. Not saying that it will be easy, but that's what you need to do.

Rich

[sunshine]

my brother in law was told but he dosent believe it.. she has him so snowed its sicking... as for holidays i love my in laws couldnt have gotten a better set. i go for that reason and to show her she tried to come beteen me and my husband and it didnt work and shes not comming between me and my family. i have alot of respect for this family and love them very much.. i am able to keep cool there about her more than anywhere else b/c i know my place in the family and they dont care for her at all. they are only nice to her for david(the brother in law).
You all have given me such great advice, so starting today im going to work on building my self esteem and letting go.... thank you, and please dont go anywhere i have a feeling this is going to be a long road and may need you again, hopefully one day i can give you guys some helpful advice too.... :p WISH ME LUCK

[eightball61]

Two wrong dont make a right in situations like this. I will say you can forgive easily but will be hard to forget on both ends. You both did something that was wrong and he shouldn't have gone out to prove something or get back.

The damage has been done now and the thing you have to think of is "do you BOTH want to work this out"? If so then you BOTH have to work together and seek some professional counseling to get the ball going. Its not all about you and he has equal share in this also.

[Jabippy]

This may come off as a bit ist but to me anyway it is usually much more serious when a woman cheats on a man. Before you blast me let me explain why.

Most men cheat to get , they aren't looking for emotional closeness or doing it because you aren't meeting their needs(non-ual needs anyway). So when a man cheats it is usally all about . I realize this isn't the case every time but more times than not it is.

When a woman cheats they are usually signaling that the relationship is over. They have fallen out of love with the guy and moved on. Again not in every case but the majority of them.

So the reason I see women cheating as more serious is because it indicates a much better chance that the relationship can't be salvaged.

In your case you indicated that dissatisfaction with your husband drove you to cheat but you didn't say what his motives were. I wonder why you dropped the other guy and went back to your husband? Did your husband change? For the kids? Or did the other guy end it?

Anyway the reason I bring all of this up is because if your husband was just out for then I think you should have an easier time forgiving him than if he did it because he didn't love you any longer or for some other more injurious reason. I am not saying that cheating for cheap ual thrills is a good thing but to me it is better than the alternatives.

Guys are socialized in a way that they are always looking for . It's really hard for some guys to switch gears when they get married and be able to say no to , especially if the affair is initiated by the woman. Did your husband go out looking for extramarital or did he just fail to say no? One is less excusable than the other in my book. It's like the difference between being on a diet and going to the grocery store for ice cream and not turning down dessert at a dinner party.

For the record I have never cheated on my wife. I would be much more concerned if she cheated on me than if I did cheat on her though for the reasons stated above. If I ever gave in to temptation and had a one night stand that would be much less serious than someone like my wife having an affair. To begin with she wouldn't have without being in love with the person, I certainly can't say the same thing for myself or many other men I know. So if she had an affair I would have to deal with the fact that she fell in love with someone else whereas if I had an affair she would be dealing with my failing to resist temptation.

[sunshine]

I was never in love with this guy, he was more of a dream, when i looked at him i saw my husband, the sweet, attention giving, loving, wonderful father, etc, that i knew he was and could be. i know this is a cop-out but i had a 3 month old baby and was pregnant again and my hormones were screwed to say the least.. i guess i didnt resist temptation because he just said and did all of the right things at the right time. As for his reason with the first one (we were split up but trying to work things out) he says he was trying to convince himself that he didnt want to be with me and he thought that would help.. The second one he says him and her were both convinced that i had slept with her husband and were doing it to get back at us, but up until he told me he cheated i had no idea either one of them thought this.. I know it takes 2 to tango, but i saw the second one comming, i could tell by the way she looked at him, i gave him all my trust b/c at this point i no reason not to trust him and just knew he wouldnt do anything like that boy was i wrong.. I went back to my husband after cheating b/c i felt so bad about it and the only reason i waited 4 years to tell him was b/c i didnt want to hurt him. I loved him the whole time. This guy was just a replacement when he wasnt there b/c i needed him to be there so badly. I've been with him since i was 16 my whole life is based around him, i dont think i could ever love anyone else. The way i feel about this man is almost scary, i cant live without him.

[eightball61]

The way i feel about this man is almost scary, i cant live without him.


& thats why you both need to start working on what you both once had before all of this and work together to restore.

[CalistaClap]

I don't completely agree with the above post stating that it's more forgivable when a man cheats than a woman.

I do understand your point though. And I agree with you from the cheaters point of view.

But from the person who got cheated I think it is just as bad. Speaking from experience (my b/f had a one nighter), that it is still very devistating.

When a woman (again...usually) cheats it is because there is something lacking in the relationship. She feels neglected, or unhappy, and turns to someone else and begins an affair. It's usually something that "has been coming for a long time". Which usually includes deep feelings for the other man.

When the man cheats because the opportunity came along and couldn't resist temptation, to me is just as bad.

If one would cheat when a relationship is going well and happy, how can that be more forgiveable? It may just have been a one night stand, and just all about the . But that person basically is saying that a one time piece of skin is worth throwing the whole relationship away.

Again from the person who was cheated. To have a good loving relationship, and have the partner not be able to say no to an offer of from someone else, really makes one think that the relationship really must not have meant all that much. Having years and years of building a life with someone, shattered by 30mins of with someone else, makes one think. It shows such a lack of respect that they have for their partner.

It would be very difficult to accept that your partner had fallen in love with someone else, but again, it would be very difficult to accept that you and your relationship wasn't as important as a fling with someone else.

To me, one is just as bad as the other.

[Rich]

Calista and Jabippy, both good points and both very well expressed.

Just goes to show you that everyone is different and different things hurt different people.

The bigger picture is the relationship as a whole. Let's move past the illusion of a perfect marriage and living happily ever after, just like in the fairy tales. Those marriages don't exist.

Relationships and marriages are works in progress. If both parties are open and honest about where they are and what has transpired, like in this case. Then the big picture is to save the relationship if that's what is desired. There are children involved and if the marriage can be saved to the point where it's happy and healthy, then that's what should be done.

Both parties need to just acknowledge that what they did was wrong and that it won't happen again. It doesn't matter the reason for why it happen because each party has their own reason and it's valid to them. Arguing that one cheat was less severe than the other is pointless and doesn't serve anything. A cheat is a cheat and a wrong is a wrong.

The issue is to move on and work to repair the TRUST portion of this relationship because that's what took the biggest hit. It won't be easy but hopefully time, the want to do it and working to repair it, will get it done.

Actually, maybe we shouldn't say to forget the cheat and to move on. Maybe both parties remembering what happend will better serve to remind each of them to not ever let it happen again and to always talk and be aware of each others feelings. To not let things get to that point.

If the wife cheated for emotional reasons, then the husband needs to meet those emotional needs. He needs to be aware of her emotional needs and deliver on them. This is where honesty, openness and the ability to communicate will make each other aware of inner feelings.

If the husband cheated for purely ual needs and desires, then he needs to express what exactly he got from the cheat that his wife doesn't give him. Maybe there are certain ual acts that the wife won't perform that the husband likes and she needs to come around to doing them. If he cheated only because it was available and that it was with someone different, then that's a lack of respect for the marriage, his wife and that's something the husband needs to work on.

Either way, there's some work that needs to take place in this relationship along with alot of openness, honesty and communication.

Good luck,

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com