Feeling validated

[virgo]

A question to everyone out there - what makes you feel validated in a relationship? I was curious about both the male and female perspective.

I find that I have a hard time feeling validated in my relationships. I know this 'problem' is about me, because both of my serious boyfriends were very caring and affectionate. One of them is my current boyfriend and he's very loving and caring. He tells me he loves me and i know that he does, we've had a strong bond long before we started dating. ANyway, nonetheless I feel that i can never get enough validation. I've considered that it is insecurity although i'm actually a very confident person. I think maybe i change when i get into a relationship though. Sometimes i just want one of those "perfect" relationships where the man comes home so happy to see his love after a long day at work.. surprises her and takes her out spontaneously.. hmm. its not that he isnt capable of this, its that i think i need it more often than is healthy. any thoughts?

[onefourtwelve]

i think an important thing to note about this is that a person must first feel validated by themselves before they can feel validated by another person.

even though you may be confident during your day to day activities it sounds like you may still have some issues with confidence while in a relationship - which explains why you change your personality when you're with a guy. perhaps the reason you keep searching for validation is because you want the reassurance that your personality change is okay and acceptable to whoever your dating.

i think that you probably need to find what makes you feel happy, fulfilled, etc. first and then bring those things to your relationships rather than taking on the interests of those you date.

[virgo]

yeah that could be it. i have a somewhat complicated personality and tend to overthink, overanalyze, and criticize myself all the time. I am, in one word, a virgo hence my username hehe. I never feel good enough in what i do and tend to hold myself to much higher standards than those around me. For example people close to me are headed for med school while i am choosing law school...and i feel that it isnt good enough comparatively. i understand how much of a skewed attitude this is and i know its both unhealthy and not even logical; all i am saying is how i *feel.*

my boyfriend and i have a good relationship and yet lately i started thinking that maybe we see it differently. i am over interpretting little things. we have somewhat busy schedules, but mine is more flexible. all i want is for him to be really excited about me and make me his priority. im not even saying he doesnt do this im just saying imnot feeling it. and i cant tell whether im really not and it needs to be addressed or if i am making it up! he works in the morning, as do i. then he wants to lift at the gym, study for his mcats, go running, do another gym class, shower etc and then by 10 i see him. i feel like i wait all day. and i feel like for me, i coudl drop things i want to do to randomly go see him any time. again ... i think he feels that way too i just am not seeing it. gosh. i dont knwo whats wrong with me.

[Rich]

Things are what they are in life. You're headed for a sad and disappointing life if you feel that nothing is never good enough, or that you ever made the right decision.

Think of it like this. Picture snow on top of a mountain that melts and starts to flow downhill. That water will always flow in the path of least resistance and it just goes along naturally. Now, what if on the other hand it tried to flow in a direction that it couldn't go? It would just back up and never go anywhere. Currents would start to appear and it would get more turbulent.

Life is like that. Just go with it and stop trying to make it fit a particular picture or mold. You mention about having your husband come home from work all happy, sweep you off of your feet and take you out to dinner. On the flip side, how nice would it be for a husband to come home from work and have a smiling, happy wife meet him at the door with a nice smile and warm kiss? To have a nice dinner planned with romanticism afterwards.

They call work, work, for a reason. Because it's work and not fun. I wouldn't expect to have a husband come home whistling dixie to often. Would you come home happy after a hard day at work?

The point is that you both have to make an effort to keep the spark alive and don't try to force things to be a certain way. When you force things, it takes effort. Just take what comes along and try to slightly steer it in a direction that you're trying to get to. It's like a rocket in space. They use these little jets for like one or two seconds at a time to make corrections to get where they want to go. They don't use alot of force and over manuver. You need to do the same thing.