help! i want to save my relationship

[swtksss820]

well i have been crying all day and finally found this website, hoping for some advice...
i am 19 and have been with my boyfriend who is 23 since i had just turned 17. he's my first and only love and lately we have been having some problems...its almost to the point where everything is so routine that its boring...i just feel very insecure and alone in our relationship these past few days..he tells me he loves me but i feel he only says it to stop me from being upset..when i try to talk to him he gets very argumentative and it never ends well...i want him to know i would do anything for him, but at the same time i want to know he'll do the same...this is my first relationship so it is incredibly hard to deal with thinking of it ending...please help

[eightball61]

I am currently going through the same thing but in this case I am the male and my GF is not putting forth into things....

You say that you want to tell him you want to do anything for him but in reality its going to take two to work it out. Maybe you both just need some time apart to think about this. He may be going through a stage in his life where he is thinking he is still young and wants some free time. Something also may be bothering him.

You both need to find a way to communicate without fighting. One good way is you both right in journals to get that talking going for sometime. Then when you feel you are ready then have a good talk but find out what he wants.

[swtksss820]

hey thanks for the advice...you basically said everything i didn't want to hear but needed to. the thing is i don't want to take a break, we've taken a couple breaks throughout the three years we've been together, no more breaks i want to be together or not no in between.
he is going through some things, but its the same things he's been dealing with since we started dating...he isnt in school and at 23 is really feeling pressure to get his life together...eventhough i'm younger i am in the same boat, i just want to be able to be there for each other.
and one more thing that bothered me today..i asked him if he missed me and he said sometimes...yeah and sometimes...no to which of course i cried..but he has never said mean little things like that to me..what does it mean?? thanks again!

[eightball61]

I know where you are coming from with this. MY GF is 17 and I am 23. I am trying everything in my power to give her the experience of teen life. We both have insecurity issues but were able to deal through most of them.

She to can say some pretty mean things that I get hurt over about. Recently though I have been more open and expressed the way I felt about it. She didn't like what I had to say but I noticed a change out of it.

I know what I said is not what you wanted to hear but you need to express how you feel. He is the one thats has to make a change though if he wants to keep with you. Last week I was on the verge of ending it and I tod my GF that. This may cause a big fight and another split but he has to know you have needs to & you need comfort.

[cutelotusflower]

hey swtksss820, I highly recommend that you two don't take a break to resolve this issue. It seems to me that you may need to find other sources to keep you preoccupied for now. Independence is very y and alluring to men. When they cant have you at their leaisure, he will chase you down. Let him chase you again. Sounds like playing the game of cat and mouse, but it works. The more you may want to talk about it or cry (which men don't understand) the more he will pull away from you. Distance and breaking up are two very different things. You can even tell him that you need space to be more independent.

If youre online, try looking up "The Distancer and the pursuer" by Thomas F. Fogarthy.

I know what you mean, as I have shed many tears, to which none of the men EVER quite understood. They can't read minds. You can give hints that you will find better things to do, and when he's ready to be in the relationship- (two people make one work) you might give him the time of day, but dont chase him right now.

PS. Don't tell him you'll do anything for him when he's angry at you or argumentative, you can try to ease his mood, by not agitating him any further, but beware that people use anger as a means to control or hide some other feeling! don't be a victim of someone's bad mood, be independent.

[Avilos]

Some very good advice offered here.

Particularly about not chasing him.

As for boredom in a relationship, I have written some articles looking at factors that destroy romance in a relationship.

You may find just being aware of them is useful.

You can find them here. (http://people-relationship-dating.com/romance.html) particularly the article on romance destroyer 4 - Demystification.

Hope it provides some useful insight.

Best Wishes,

Tahir