Drugs,,lies,and Debt

[greenween]

I have been having some problems that seem to be getting progressively worse. My "partner"/bf started looking at on the internet right after we got the computer in Feb. At first I was appauled! He had some mags and a video but he likes things that I personally think are gross so for the last 5 years I tried to ignore it. I felt the risks on the internet are greater as far as viruses you can get on your computer and such, but I am pretty ignorant as far as computer stuff goes so he convinced me it was okay because "at least he wasn't going to those seedy shops anymore" Which I guess I agreed to because he had had some sort of relations with another guy at one of them a few years ago. Later, my fear was that looking was a gateway to chatting and later meeting someone else. So, yesterday, I did some investigating. I went through the whole address bar and made some interesting discoveries. He is a recovering heroin addict and I found that he went to some site called "heroin helper" and even navigated around to a few different pages. There was also a site called "adult friend finder" It had 2 pages listed and one of them was women from our city! I wouldn't know what he would use for a screen name so my investigation stopped there. Later that day, I was outside with my four year old and we saw this really interesting red and black spider. We wanted to take a picture of it, so we could show daddy when he came home from work, and I then tore my house apart looking for it. I searched high and low, in and out, and when I couldn't find it, I called him at work and he said "Where would it be? Its got to be there somewhere, I took it away from Cedar (our son) I'll find it when I come home. So... when he came home, I eventually asked him about all the forementioned stuff I had found out, and he swore he wasn't finding women, he clicked on it by accident while he was looking at other stuff. The heroin one he said he was just curious. I'm thinking...curious about what? When your a recovering addict, don't you already know all there is to know? Anyway, he kept being kindof wierd, nervous almost, and I was like, Okay, whats up? what are you not telling me. It finally came out that he pawned my camera to buy 4 oxycontin (heroin like substance) "but he would get it back" His parents are coming 1800 miles to see us on Thurs. and I have no camera! Its a digital camera that I paid 250 dollars for! I had a stalker just over a year ago, and he broke in and stole it. I got it back, only for it to be stolen and sold by someone who supposedly "loves me" He acts like I'm making to big a deal of it and I should be all lovey dovey like he is. Not to mention, after all that, I'm not sure I believe that he wasn't trying to meet someone online. Like I said he is into things I am not, ually, and we work opposite shifts and have a four year old. Not much time to have , and he claims he is a addict. I am starting to feel as though I am just another addiction, not someone who is loved and adored. I love his family, my son is happy to have his parents together, but all the problems are weighing me down. We were allready in debt, due to a miscarriage I had a couple of months ago, and some other mistakes he made a month before that. I had to borrow money from my little brother (who is like my best friend) who is and sargent serving in Kuwait. I would just feel awful probably for the rest of my life if something happened to him over there, especially now. I don't know what to do, because we just signed another year lease, and I cannot pay for it myself. But I've had it with him. Its obvious he's not going to change.
The other mistakes I refered to earlier were of the same nature he went to a check cashing place, couldn't afford to hide it from me, so he kept writing them bad checks until it totalled $250! Then in the same month just lost $200 dollar bills! That's $450 dollars total, and its what sent us into this downward spiral. I am so confused, scared and simply at a loss. I am starting college in the fall! (I am almost 30) and my son is starting preschool. Help!:confused:
P.S. for more backround I have another post in this forum called-Lots o' problems.
I know this is long and complicated, thank you for reading, your support means alot to me!

[onefourtwelve]

wow! it sounds like you have a lot going on.

i have to agree with you that leaving him is probably the best thing you can do for yourself and your child at this point. it's clear that your partner is a liar and an addict. i think that he does see you as another addiction. someone who loves you wouldn't be so irresponsible with your feelings and your family. your child may be happy that his parents are together, but he doesn't understand at this young age that daddy is a liar and an addict.

this is a very sad situation to read about. it's definately tough to get out when you're both locked into a one year lease and money is tight. do you have someone you could stay with temporarily until you figure things out a little bit better?

[greenween]

My family and his family both live in Indiana.(We're in MT) and after the stalker, I don't have many friends left. People just refused to believe, and thought I must have led him on. AS IF! I was hoping that college might help that situation as well as getting educated. I have waited 10 years to go to school, and I'm so afraid with all of this going on I won't be able to handle it,and child, and work, and I will end up in huge amounts of debt because of it. 10,000 is a lot of money and thats only the first year! But I heard that if something scares you, you should seek even more to do it. If its hard, its probably right. (I must admit its hard to see this as truth, I'm tired of hard!) So I guess if anyone leaves, It will be him. I don't think its really sunk in for him yet, that I cant do this "hoping things will get better" thing anymore. Thanks for your reply, I can't tell you how nice it is to hear that I'm not crazy(well at least not on this issue:rolleyes: )

[yourstruly]

this is exactly why one should never EVER EVER be co-dependent on another so much that they can't get out if they need to. you are in a bind, and it's not going to get better---it's going to get much worse, and you know it. That man has a problem, LOTS of problems, and talking to him about his problems doesn't do any good. He has a very addictive personality and that will always be a problem in his life until HE and only he, does something about it.

I know you are almost 30, but you should take your son and go. Go to your parents' house. Call up an old friend and see if you can go stay with them for a little while. Call a counselor and check out options for you and your son. There are things you CAN do instead of staying. Do you really think he's gonna leave? NOT. He's in the same boat you are, financially. He's not going to leave.

If you DO stay, it's your own choice. But it's a bad one. I'm sorry, but people who say that they can't leave because of financial reasons, etc, etc---that's just a cop-out to me. You CAN leave. Find a way.

[onefourtwelve]

yes, you really should leave if it's at all possible ("where there's a will, there's a way").

if you decide not to leave then you should take some other protective measures. close all joint accounts and open accounts with only your name. pay your bills online so that he doesn't have a chance to hide them, lie to you about paying them, etc. also, you can create a seperate profile for yourself on the computer.

[Diablo]

Is there a way that you can break the lease? Also, you can go to school on student loans to keep up expenses, but it would get ugly if you quit school before getting a degree.
Anytime you say something out of the ordinary, people will think you're lying. The strange thing is, those same people will believe anything that reflects negatively on your character no matter how outlandish it is. These "friends" you lost over the stalker were not real friends; they were fair weather friends and you're better off without them
The s--- with adicts gets deeper and deeper. You haven't mentioned his age, but I would guess mid thirties or so. Whatever his physical age, he has the mind of a wayward teenager. The longer you stay with this "man", the more he will cost you.