Money doesn't buy love - but a little bit helps

[Tida]

Okay, I'm not a materialistic girl. I know what it is to work and I don't need name brands. I just like a gift, or at least a card, on Christmas, my birthday, or for no reason at all.

I think almost every woman can agree with me on that.

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Aside from buying me dinner occassionally, he doesn't buy me gifts at all! Not even a birthday or christmas card.

Now I always beleived in treating others in the way you want to be treated. So, each Christmas and birthday I bought him some nice things that I knew he wanted: a movado watch, a bass guitar, a platinum ring... I often buy things for no reason at all. Just gifts I know he'll appreciate. Little things like a CD or video game he wants or a shirt and tie. Just little things.

He appreciates all the gifts and the things I do for him. He tells me he loves me almost everyday. However, he's not getting the hint that I like getting gifts too. I've hinted at what I want for Christmas or my birthday. I've told him I've wanted things when catalogue shopping or window shopping. (of course i didn't outright suggest him to buy it)

I love him and I adore the way he makes me feel beautiful; and he treats me as if i'm the most precious thing on the earth. He's quite the snuggler. But I also want to get, at least, a home made card on special occassions.

I really don't know how to bring a subject like this up without hurting his feelings. I also feel quite guilty for feeling this way. It's not that I NEED to be showered with gifts. I just want a thoughtful surprise big or small from time to time. Am I being ungrateful? :(

[eightball61]

If you bring this subject to hime then you are not being ungrateful but you need to know why? You are not asking for a lot of birthdays are something special to you and he can get a card at a doller store. There has to be a reason why as in beliefs, money, ect. You need to know why though and since he is a boyfriend you need to ask.

[CalistaClap]

It's a hard thing to bring up, but if it bothers you then you have to.

You could just ask him: Can we EXCHANGE Christmas presents? Then give him an idea of what you want.

[eightball61]

It's a hard thing to bring up, but if it bothers you then you have to.

You could just ask him: Can we EXCHANGE Christmas presents? Then give him an idea of what you want.


Yuh dont go with my post because I find hinting like this example much better. If it doesn't help though then you may need to find out.

[Tida]

The idea for Christmas is a good one. I will try that out. However, Christmas is a long ways away. I think I brought this subject a bit too late for my birthday. My birthday is coming up in February.

[CalistaClap]

"you know what would really make my birthday this year hunny? If you bought me or made me a card telling me exactly how you felt about me".

[eightball61]

The idea for Christmas is a good one. I will try that out. However, Christmas is a long ways away. I think I brought this subject a bit too late for my birthday. My birthday is coming up in February.


You can also use this approach for Valentines
Day. Mention you want to get him something small and special and you like him to do the same.

[Rich]

I can see where most men aren't cognizant of going out and buying little gifts every now and then. Our minds aren't conditioned like that and we're most often busy. Plus most men don't go out shopping quite regularly and the opportunities to just pick up something for our woman isn't there. It's taken me awhile to pick up on this and to force myself to do it because my mind is always on bills, work, life, etc... Reminders from my wife help too. lol

With that being said, I can't fathom your partner not buying you birthday or Christmas gifts. That's just disrepectful and self fish.

Quite honestly you need to sit down with your partner and express how you feel. You need to be open with your feelings and tell him that it hurts that he doesn't buy you gifts. Don't attack, just express to him what you expressed here. That you don't buy for him just to get in return, but that you care about him and that's why you do it. That you can maybe understand him not buying little things here and there, but the lack of gifts on your b'day and Christmas is hurtful.

If he takes it the wrong way and starts buying you stuff, but has an attitude about it like he's doing it just to shut you up, than he's just an asshole! At that point you can accept that that's how he is, or not accept. It's not being materialistic on your part.

Rich

[eightball61]

If he takes it the wrong way and starts buying you stuff, but has an attitude about it like he's doing it just to shut you up, than he's just an asshole! At that point you can accept that that's how he is, or not accept. It's not being materialistic on your part.

Rich


Its always good to be planned out for good and bad cases. As Rich pointed out here and you should take this into consideration. This talk will define the true nature of your partner and what his attitude and caring is like. Good call Rich...

[Tida]

Thanks everyone. This really helps me out.

Rich is right, and my BF is no shopper. He doesn't have to buy things to show me that he cares and thinks of me. He treats me great, and he does express his love for me almost every day in his own ways. If I like to occassionally buy things to express my love, then It's because it's my way of expressing myself. I should be content with that.

However, I too feel it strange, hurtful, and unfair, that I receive nothing on my birthday or christmas from him. If it was a money issue, of course i'd understand. But I'm the one that organizes our finances. There's nothing stopping him from buying me flowers and a card or something.

I really need to be conscientious about my approach on this. I don't want him to feel attacked, and I don't want him to feel unworthy.

[eightball61]

[
I really need to be conscientious about my approach on this. I don't want him to feel attacked, and I don't want him to feel unworthy. [/FONT][/COLOR]



You are right about that and thats why it wont be a bad idea to maybe bring up the fact that you both should exchange rather than approach with ask "why".

[Rich]

I had another idea or approach that can be tried in regards to spouses that don't give gifts for b'day's or Christmas and that is to NOT buy your spouse anything when their b'day or Christmas comes along.

Guaranteed that will get their attention. It'll be hard to do for most people because you'll feel that you're really hurting their feelings, but it'll work and it's ok.

When they don't get a gift and they ask why (if they do), you can always say (very innocently and sincerely) that because they don't give you gifts, that you felt that it would be no big deal because you're just doing what they do. That you assumed that that's the way that they want things to be.

At that point they'll get the message. From that point on you can leave it to chance that they will buy you gifts, or you can both talk through the issue and your feelings on the subject and leave NO DOUBT as to what will transpire on b'day's and Christmas from then on.

It's sort of the shock treatment. When they have it done to them they will snap out of whatever funk that they're in. Let them see how it feels and how you've felt all these years. Sometimes talking doesn't sink in.

When it comes to learning a lesson, I'd rather have the experience as opposed to the theoretical. One can talk about an issue, but do we truly learn from it? Can a person who has lived on a tropical island all their lives truly understand snow? They can read about it, talk about and see it in the movies, but would they truly know about it? Now, let them walk around in snow and feel it on their skin, then they'll truly know what snow is all about. You get the point. Experience is the greatest teacher.

Don't buy your husband a gift one time and you'll never have the problem again.

Rich

[Tida]

I've observed at some of our past arguments and come to the conclusion that simply talking, doesn't usually get anything done. He has to know how it feels. However, I must add that this behaviour of his is mostly due to his bipolar disorder.

Yes, he is seeking professional help. It's hard to forecast his mood. When he is depressed, it's just hard to communicate with him period.

At the same time, this kind of shock treatment may be a bit too harsh. I hope he wouldn't be too hurt by it and think of me as spiteful and add to the burden.

On that same note, I've been feeling that same way for years. And you are right, it doesn't always help to talk about the theoretical.

I had a couple of questions about his being bipolar beginning to affect the relationship, but that's off topic and I will start a new thread.