I need help

[riannamarie]

I need help. About a year ago i fell for this 41 year old teacher and he seemed so perfect. Then he cheated on me. We started talking about a year later and things were going good until i got a phone call from his ex and she stated that they were still together and i dont know who to believe. I know I should just not talk to him anymore but im confused. Have you ever had a weakness for a guy/girl who you know is wrong for you? And what did you do to get over him/her?

[CalistaClap]

Yes I have been there, and am still there.
I don't really have any advise on how to get over him, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

The rational thing to do is cut all contact because you don't deserve that treatment. Trust me I know......it's easier said than done.

Hang in there and feel free to come back here and vent/seek support anytime.

[eightball61]

You and Calista will be able to learn a lot from each other because as she stated she too is going through the same thing. Its more on the side of beleiving your partner to trust them enough to carry out a relationship.

If you don't mind can you give us a little more info on the 41 yr old teacher. The info I am looking for is do you both live together? how often do you see him? does he hide things still? does he communicate well? how does the ex have your number?


Thanks
Jeff

[riannamarie]

First I want to say thank you for relplying both of you . No we do not live together. I have accually put off seeing him since xmas to try to distance myself but its not working i look forward to his calls and am bummed if i dont recieve them. I dont know if he hides things because he has lied to me before and i dont really trust anything he says. Communication is a big problem in our relationship most the time its me pushing the conversation along and him saying fine,yes, uh huh ect... The ex having my # was the doing of my best friend who thought she was helping by giving to her but i dont trust the ex either he cheated on me with her a year ago. MAN I SOUND PATHETIC!I know that i should just forget him but its hard because he was the first guy i was with after a 6 year drought. lol I am starting to feel like a real idiot so im gonna leave it at that.
:eek:

[eightball61]

Because you had such a long time without dating doesn't mean it should give him the honor to control you lke this. You owe him nothing. He lied once and you gave him another chance. Now things are starting to surface again and he is denying. You are right and it could be the truth or a lie. The best thing is your approach and thats the distance so you can figure out some things. He has to prove that he is not with her nor anyone else. He should be paying more attention to you if he really wanted to get things going again. I see to many red flags on this guy but its your choice and all I am going to say is really think about all of the hidden facts.

[CalistaClap]

If he is 41 and is still cheating and lying, my guess is it is something that he will never grow out of.

Has he ever been married? If so, why did it end?

Someone his age should have matured enough, and grown out of that stage that alot of young men go through.

Most men who are 40ish, and have a chance with a 20 something year old girl are pretty happy, and want to keep that chance.

[Rich]

There's quite a number of unknowns here, so one can only go on human nature.

Typically when people go against what they know is the right thing to do, it's because something is lacking within themselves.

You mention going six years bewteen relationships. That's a long time. One can only summise as to why that was. Often when a lot of time goes between relationships, people latch onto the first thing that comes along like a life preserver. That's the wrong thing to do. There a difference between wanting a relationship and needing a relationship. Seems like you need the relationship with this man. Is that a true statement? Needing something indicates a dependancy.

If it is, then you need to ask yourself why that is? Lack of confidence in yourself, lazyness to present a desirable appearance or to keep in shape, low self esteem in appearance or what you have to offer someone.

It's sort of like smoking. People know that it's bad for them, will give them cancer and will shorten their life span, but yet they do it anyway. It's a dependancy. From a non-smokers point of view it's pretty stupid to smoke and the costs of smoking easily outweigh the benifits (of which there are none). But people justify doing it anyway. A bad relationship is the same thing. People justify being in one when they know it's bad for them. You need to get to the bottom of why you NEED this guy.

When someone has a dependancy or a need and they look to someone else to provide a "fix", they inherently give that person control over them or an upperhand in the relationship. The person providing the "fix" feels that they control the other and can pretty much do what they want when they want. Dependant people surrender control.


Rich

[riannamarie]

Calista- I just found out a week ago that he has been married before Im not sure why they got divorced.


Rich- What you said has me thinking. I got pregnant at 18 years old. and i went through hell with my sons dad (found out he was married when i was 5 months pregnant) so after that i just didnt date at all. I focused all my attention on my son. I did everything independantly and when i met this guy I really enjoyed having someone outside my family who would listen to me, which he does amazingly well. I liked not having to be on my own in everything i do. Maybe its because i was lonely i dont know.

[Rich]

Rianna-

I can further understand why you haven't dated and it clears things up a bit.

Being a single parent is a very hard thing to do and go through. You're it!!!! You're your child's life. I give so much credit to single parents that are surviving because it's takes a credible amount of hard work and sacrafice to do what you're doing.

I'm also sure that after all the Barney, dora dora, sponge bob and thomas the tank engine tapes, that any adult conversation and attention is greatly appreciated. Even bad behavior and attention that you'd might not ordinarily stand for, is accepted or tolerated.

There might also be the feeling of, "I'm a single parent and who would want me" type syndrome" that exist on your part and you'll take what you can get at this point. You also know that finding time to date is very hard to come by and the opportunities to find a better partner right now might not exist, so you'll put up with more than you might have had things been different.

Rianna....great job of taking care of your child on your own. Don't settle for an asshole who will probably make your life more difficult than you need it to be. Believe it or not, you'll find a good man out there. As your son gets older and starts to participate in soccer, bowling, baseball and other activities, you'll probably come across a good number of single father's in the same boat as you. And some of them will be very nice.

Don't settle. Take pride in yourself. Feel proud of what you're accomplishing and know within your heart that you're better than how this guy is treating you.

Good luck,

Rich