Did I do something wrong?

[christophe2005]

I don't even know where to begin.
I'll try to keep it simple.

I've been dating a gal for like 7 months. We've had wonderful conversation and have enjoyed what seemed to me a healthy relationship. We spend nights out at film festivals,ballet working on art projects. This was one of the main reasons that we ended up getting involved, being the fact that we shared so many of the sameinterests.

Many times.. up until about Christmas (about 6 months into the relationship), we had found ourselves in intimate situations. Being a man, (I can only imagine what others opinions may be on this) who is not ready really to jump into a ual relationship so quick, I've sort of avoided those situations and explained that being ual can either break or make relationship. I just want to make sure it's what's right for both of us. Don't get me wrong.
I am crazy about her and very attracted to her and she is toward I. We've talked about it many times.

Well, this Christmas. I let it happen. Everything seemed perfect. We had a great evening laughing and enjoying the holiday in this huge house I had to myself. BTW, we do not live with each other.

The next day, I saw her off to go visit her parents and basically that was it. We had plans the following week for my birthday. I had taken the whole week off.
I never heard from her. The following week when I did hear from her. She basically, told me that she was busy. I just do not understand why she couldn't call.
I asked her why and she told me she couldn't promise me the security of keeping in touch. Now here this.. up until Christmas.. we would chat like 3 times a day online. And we used to write each other. And now it's like.. I've heard from her twice in the last month.
Finally, I talked to her last week and we had our first tiff in 6 months and she explained that:
"she wanted unfettered autonomy from any obligations,suffocation. Any personal or
emotional instigations are to be made at her will and desire exclusively."

I have this feeling that now we've had a ual encounter that she's no longer interested.
I know this sounds like a cliché. I just thought this could never happen to me. I explained I feel like I'm completely walking on eggshells and would like to know what happened. I have had no response.

I could understand her demands if our relationship met any of that criteria.. however up until Christmas, all of our efforts had been mutually reciprocated.

Should I just bite the bullet and walk from this? It sounds really one sided, her demands. Once upon a time we used to be apart of each other's lifes everyday. And it got better everyday until Christmas.

I went to bed with someone and woke up with someone different.

This is driving me crazy. I am 30 and have a decent amount of experience with relationships. I've never had this happen to me before.... have a significant other and do a complete about-face on everything.
I have heard every line from her
"your so special, your so unique...blah blah blah" and now thinking about where we are, almost makes me sick.

Anyone have any input on this? I know it's hard when you have only one side of the story to give advice..so if anyone has questions, please ask.

Christophe

[eightball61]

Should I just bite the bullet and walk from this?e


It actually sounds like something she is taking the approach in doing this. I am sorry to hear you had to go through something like this and all the time spent was just thrown out.

Its really hard to tell what she wants or may have wanted. You will have to move on from this though because if she is not giving you the time and day then there is no point in trying.

Reading from your thread though you seem like a very intelligent and caring kind of guy. You have great morals and a lot of girls would/will respect that. This girl was a flaw and its better it happened now than latter.

Don't let your next relationship fault from anything. We all learn different things from relationship to relationship. Every girl will be different but it does take a few wrongs before you get the right. Don't think twice because you slept with her its a bad thing. is a beautiful thing between 2 partners and she spoiled that moment. Another girl will come along and share a better experience.

[christophe2005]

Thank you for taking the time to offer your advice and opinion. I guess I am more or less in shock because I have never had this happen to me. I told her the same and her response was "quality over quantity". Thats completely acceptable however, I asked her to put herself in my shoes, how we could go from talking to each other 3 to 4 times a day for 6 months and then one morning wake up and realize I "may" talk to you once a month or whenever you have the will and desire... why I wouldn't be a little concerned... compounded by the fact she decided to set these rules the next day after I finally decided to sleep with her. She had no response. I received an email today from her.. which I am totally shocked. I havent spoke to her in like 2 weeks. All it said was..
"I am thinking about you". I had wrote her many emails previously asking for an explaination of what it was I did wrong and it was like she blew off justifying any explaination just to say "hi". Should I be thankful I even received that much from her?

It just baffles me to no end. Up until this point she had been completely open with me and I thought we could talk about anything. Now she doesn't even have anything to say to me even in an email.

Now feel like "trophyboy" and she's like "See ya... mabey".

Sheesh!

[eightball61]

It does suck how some people can be so heartless but its the world and this does happen a lot. The first step you need to fix though is contacting her for an explanation. I know you want your closure to this but she has proven you wont get it.

Sometime closer is not the best thing because it can trigger more things. You need to start thinking of you and not the old relationship. It was cruel and heartless but pitty will not bring you far. ITs ok to think about it and dread a while but there will be a time where you will need to get back on your feet.

Please don't take this as an insult because I want to be a friend. What I am trying to pull is some realization thoughts in you mind so you can think about the future.

[christophe2005]

No insult taken. Trust me. You've been more than kind to take personal consideration and offer advice regarding my disposition.

I know your right. Bah (shakes fist at sky) :)
Atleast I can chuckle about it from time to time.

Thank goodness I start some continuing education at the local college next week. That will keep me busy and my mind off things for a bit. It is my hopes that after having taken a break and an attentive regard at the full existential density of this situation.. it will make it easier to move on.

Thanks again for your consideration,

Christophe

[eightball61]

Thank goodness I start some continuing education at the local college next week. That will keep me busy and my mind off things for a bit. It is my hopes that after having taken a break and an attentive regard at the full existential density of this situation.. it will make it easier to move on.




Thats great that you are going back to school. College will help you get your mind off from it some. also, you will be able to meet new people there and maybe start back off. What are you are going for?

Its good that you are able to chuckle about this whole thing. That means that you will be able to recover from it. Try to keep yourself busy and that will pass by the time. I am here alot so anytime you want to chat it up.

It doesn't matter who you meet though because there will always be a slight flaw in the person but relationships are the testing ground to see if they can get worked out so give others chances. Me & my GF have some issues at this time but they are getting worked out little by little. It takes time and you will soon be back up and running.

[christophe2005]

Yeah,

I know I'll be fine. I know this will happen again and again..

It just sucks to be so helpless in such a frustrating situation that has no way out but to walk away when one realizes that to keep on trying is futile. It's a tough choice to make. Especially is you genuinely care about the sig other. But equally important and often forgotton is the caring must be mutual and reciprocated. It's to easy to fall into the line of thinking with one's heart rather than thinking with one's brain. It's there where true rationale is

As for me, I work in software developement for a major graphics company.
I have a BA in International Business, a Minor in Liberal Arts and I am finishing another Minor in Applied Linguistics (Certified in French).

[christophe2005]

Thanks again for your advice.

Christophe

[eightball61]

No problem anytime......

[CalistaClap]

She is definatly is acting odd.

For her to say that you will talk and see each other only when SHE wants to is a very selfish thing.

From a girls prospective, I think that she may be trying to let you down as easily as she knows how. Little does she know how "un-easy" that it is for you. Something may have happened that she decided that she needed to end things with you, even though it wasn't what she wanted in her heart (explaining the e-mail).

It would be good for you to know her reasons, to help you have closure, but that doesn't always happen.

It's better that you found out now, then after you get more attached and more in love.

My suggestion, it's better that you move on with your life then hang around for her to decide she wants to talk to you for a day. You don't deserve her games.

There is someone out there who won't do this, now's a good time to find her.

[christophe2005]

Thanks again to all who have taken the time to convey their own views and give suggestions regarding my situation.

Yesterday, when I arrived home.. the first thing I did was rummage through my room and rid from immediate existance of anything that would remind me of her and put them in a box in my closet. It is my hopes that when time passes and I do move on..that I'll be able to look these souvenirs and reflect of the good times we did indeed have. Right now, it's the opposite. I can only dwell on how much I've been deceived. I am not a hateful person as I really do hold in high personal regard the great memoires of all my experiences whether good or bad. Theres just an approprate time and place for it. Actually, some good came out of cleaning binge lastnight. I can now see the floor of my bedroom. Lol.

I have my first class tomorrow. I am really stoked. I met my teacher and some of my fellow students and they all appear to be really interesting and without doubt, very culturaly diverse people. Time to invoke some inquisitive and positive thinking for a change.

I'll post another update in due time.

Thanks all,

Christophe :)

[eightball61]

Your taking a good lead in being charge of things. It may seem rude to lead you on this rampage but this women is the women that has singled you out. You need to move on and thats what you are doing. You keep up with the updates and we will be here.

[christophe2005]

Well, just thought I'd post a follow up.

I am back in school (college) finishing up my second Minor. Things have been great. I am surrounded by some incredably brilliant people at school.

I spoke briefly with the ex just last week. She called me out of the blue.
All I can say is "wew", glad I moved on.

It was quick and simple. I simply asked her to justify her rather self centered behavior and her vanishing act. She said she had no explaination for it and I was blowing it out of proportion.

Yeah, right.
It was interesting. She went on to explain how much she missed me and yada yada. I asked her was exactly "it" was that she missed. She couldn't give me a straight answer. Instead, like she's done in the past, she takes things I've said and twists them around to use them as a guilt trip or a personal attack on me. I have already caught her lying.
Unfortunatley, I have a huge issue with dishonestly.

She knows this and she chose her path. She knew in advance about where I stood on the issue and she tested my boundries and lost bigtime.

She has a new beau now. (pfft, already?) I told her good luck and hopefully he is less forgiving about dishonesty as I.

I am taking a break from this relationship thing for while. There's just too many interesting people to meet at this point in my life rather than be with someone who is, for the most part, rather defeatest and self centered. I've moved on and told she should too. Even my friends seemed to have noticed that I've changed since we've parted. I am in a better mood and in contact with my more meaningful and productive relationships/friendships more often. And a couple of friends noted that I seemed alot happier.

I needed the wake up call, and she delivered bigtime.
I thanked her for that much.

Christophe

[eightball61]

I needed the wake up call, and she delivered bigtime.
I thanked her for that much.





& you will probably never get a "your welcome" for that thank you. I am glad you updated this and it seems things are going well for you. You know have moved on which is a good thing but if this ex does continue to call out of the blue just tell her that you wish never to speak to her again. She did a number to you and you made the right choice. There is no point in being in contact with her as far as I see. Just continue on the the path you are now one and dont allow anything to mess it up....take care and please drop by anytime. ;)

[AlexCrystal]

I'm sure this has been very heartbreaking for you.
First let me start by saying, move on. And to be honest, I would discontinue communicating with her even through email. It's not healthy...and believe me, her intentions of keeping you on a string are completely self absorbed.
You'll need to realize you'll probably never really know what her deal was...so don't look for explanations anymore...even if she did give one...it may not be truly what's going on in her head.
Make your own closure with it. Pick a day on the calendar that is your final "worry about it" day, your final day of pain, and you're moving on day.
You can make this day a week from now, tomorrow...whatever...but set this day. You'll be surprised how refreshed you feel if you take this "day" seriously and how it will help you move one.
Be thankful there wasn't a large investment of your time in this relationship....and don't be afraid of the next relationship that comes along...never compare....always take another risk on love...because one day it will be the best risk you'll ever take.
Good Luck, take care.

[Rich]

As nice thought to keep in your mind is that all learning does not take place in the classroom.

Hopefully you can use what happened in this relationship to help you more in the next one.

Life is a learning experience.

Rich

[christophe2005]

Thanks folks for your replies and suggestions.

At this point I know that I've moved on.
A couple months ago there would have been a time when I waited around to hear from her and go out of my way to make myself available at her wanting desire.

This is definately not the case anymore. I am just too busy with fulltime work and school. School is the major one. Not just the attending class and making sure I am meeting class requirements, but I am also involved with other activies in school with other students. I just have my mind focused on more important goals than waiting around for someone who wants a relationship based only on her terms. As you can tell from reading my posts. There's more to it just than that.

I must admit, I was surprised when she called. I have made no effort to write her email in a month or so as opposed to writing her emails everyday in the past.
My guess is that she called me because all this has stopped.

I basically ended the conversation with "I'm sorry, I have alot of homework I have to do and focus on. that requires and demands that I dedicate my time to the importance of attaining a goal that I have."

I used this excuse rather than take the opportunity to attack her as I know I will never get the answers to the questions I have asked in the past. If she couldn't and refused own up to the resposibilty then, I really don't expect to her now or in the future. Efforts made in that direction would be futile. So I proactively planned to stay neutral and go about the "I have commitments that require my full attention for attaining goals in my life and just don't have the capacity to be in a relationship right now. Not just with her, but anyone". This way hopefully she gets the message that I will not be in touch and I remain neutral instead of attacking her.

She was surprised. I could tell. And she knows, I've stopped caring and have moved on. Like I mentioned,

I thanked her for the wakeup call. She was like "what do you mean?". I needed something to wake me up so I could repriortise my goals and figue out where I want to be. Her response was "Gee, um your welcome. That's nice".

:D

That was all the closure I needed.

I feel 10000% better and absolutely have no issues walking away from that experince with what I've learned.

Cheers,

Christophe

[eightball61]

If you feel better then just continue to move on. Talking to her or about thing may only brings things back from memory and can make it worse. COntinue you currewnt path like you plan to and see what leads you down the road.

[christophe2005]

Well, here are folks, some months later and she's back.
I can't believe this. It happened by accident. I logged online and thought I had added her to my ignore list and out of nowhere I received a chat invite from her.
Probably a dumb mistake.

We have not talked in months. Pretty much about the last time I posted about this fiasco.
She went on for an hour telling me how things have changed for her including, finally separating from an ex that had been in and out of her life, moving into a new house (away from home) and trying to get her life back together. She has a new job and things "seem" to be getting on the right track for her.

She went on into the whole spiel about how shes never had a relationship with anyone such as me and that she had not stopped thinking about me and siad she missed me and gave a prett endearing list of examples.

Thing is, since this or rather that time, I've decided to take the single route. I've finished school. I'm doing well at the job and even traveled a bit.

It didn't take more that say 1/2 hour for me to start buying into it and feel as tho I may end up falling into this trap again. I know that people say they have changed. But do they? I'm a bit optimistic and believe we can all improve our lives and views in some sort of form or another.

I have this sixth sense of impending doom that almost never fails me.

If anyone has ever been in this situation and considered giving someone a second chance, how did you go into the situation?

I am not sure I can give her a second chance because she knows that she hurt me. But the question is it or was it tolerable considering all the circumstances involved.

I am trying to keep an open mind about this at the same time... I don't want to get burned and quite frankly don't want any part of it. In the same token, I believe we are not all perfect in the game of relationships and there's room for forgiveness and improvement in the ways we interact with each other and I genuinely care about her.

It could be as well, I am one heck of a naive person.

Christophe

[eightball61]

I am trying to keep an open mind about this at the same time... I don't want to get burned and quite frankly don't want any part of it. In the same token, I believe we are not all perfect in the game of relationships and there's room for forgiveness and improvement in the ways we interact with each other and I genuinely care about her.




If you truly feel the way you do (as described above) then try things out again. If you take this approach then you need to proceed with caution and take it slow. You don't want to allow the past to creep into the new relationship or it will ruin things. So try out a relationship if you like but start it fresh rather than where you both left off.

Goodluck to you

~8ball

[christophe2005]

Just thought I would post an update.

Things have been going just fine.
A lot of changes were made this time around and they seem to be for the better. The first and for most..communication. We have a way to go however, miracles of this nature are not born overnight.
We've been taking it easy and working through things one step at a time. The biggest difference is definately the communication factor ie: compromise, understanding as well as setting goals and boundries.

We are no longer living together. She moved in with her sister. Actually about 40 miles away. Since we can not be around each other the way we used to, which was almost all the time, we have breaks apart that seem to intensify our desire to be with each other. Eitherway, we have spent alot of time talking to one other instead of talking at each other.
At this point, we are having fun. And I am totally ok with that.


Cheers

[yourstruly]

Just thought I would post an update.

Things have been going just fine.
A lot of changes were made this time around and they seem to be for the better. The first and for most..communication. We have a way to go however, miracles of this nature are not born overnight.
We've been taking it easy and working through things one step at a time. The biggest difference is definately the communication factor ie: compromise, understanding as well as setting goals and boundries.

We are no longer living together. She moved in with her sister. Actually about 40 miles away. Since we can not be around each other the way we used to, which was almost all the time, we have breaks apart that seem to intensify our desire to be with each other. Eitherway, we have spent alot of time talking to one other instead of talking at each other.
At this point, we are having fun. And I am totally ok with that.


Cheers

See, now this is great. Lessons learned. Compromises, communication. Awesome!!!!! This is the way it should be. Congrats!

[eightball61]

At this point, we are having fun. And I am totally ok with that.


Cheers

Cheers to you too ;) I am glad to hear about this positive update. I do hope this continues & please keep us posted.


~8Ball