confused21
08-13-2006, 11:35 PM
This post will explain a situation that I have come into recently that I just can't figure out. Now I am a strong believer in the whole thing that you don't date your friends ex's. Names for this have been changed.
Back 7 years ago im middle school Me, Matt, Jill were all friends...I knew Matt liked Jill but they ended becoming best friends. Me and Matt were best friends until halfway through highschool when things changed and we just grew apart. Now all these years later I get back in touch with Matt and find out he is moving back into town (we are all 21 now). My lease was just about up on my apartment so we got a place together. After all this time it turns out that him a Jill had just started dating a few weeks prior to him coming back.
So we move in and things are fine. I helped Matt out with money for rent till he could get a job...2-3 weeks after moving in he hadn't so much as even looked for one. Jill and Matt split for reasons I didn't know why. They only dated for 1.5 - 2 months and now they weren't friends anymore after 7 years of being best friends. I never talked to him about it really.
We have now been living here a little over 2 months and Matt still doesn't have a job. His debt to me is growing and I'm thinking of kicking him out. Rather then just act on my thoughts I talked to Jill about him, since I figured she knew him better then anyone. While we were talking it came out that she always thought I was attractive and I told her I thought the same of her. But Matt is a friend so I couldnt do that to him could I? But then I started to think about it and what kind of friend takes money from me by me paying his half of the rent and wont even go find a job. I pay for his rent and it takes a toll on my other bills but he doesn't know that. I just want what he owes me.
Anyways Jill tries to talk to Matt but he insists that everything is fine and he's doing good even though she knows from talking to me that he isn't doing good or anything for that matter. As me and Jill talk more to figure out some kind of solution we start to become close and talk in person instead of online. So close that a relationship is possible except for the barrier of Matt. We click, one day we hung out and just drove around or sat parked somewhere just talking. It was the most amazing conversation ever covering every subject possible. It went on for 12 hours without one awkward silence or pause. As we hang out more our focus is still on helping Matt but we would like to not have to hide our interest in eachother. This is extrememly difficult with him being my roommate. Jill really wants to be his best friend again and feels that 1.5 months of dating shouldnt ruin a 7 year friendship. He has to strong of feelings because he liked her the whole time they were friends. (I can relate because my last relationship was someone I liked since back in school but we never hung out till we randomly came in contact and started talking so my situation is a little different.)
So here are a few of the scenarios that me and Jill have come up with:
The best being her and Matt could start being friends again she could straighten him out and get him motivated to work and pay me back and then after some time (dont know how long) we could let him know that we were talking about him to find a way to help him and during that time we became close and feelings developed. It would probably still hurt him though.
Another is we keep it quiet forever but it's almost a gauruntee that no matter how careful we are about it (ie: her never being at the apartment) he will catch wind of it. We both decided if he knows it better be from us telling him instead of someone else telling him.
Or Matt could continue not doing anything and owe me more money and I will kick him out. I am the lease holder on the apartment. i think if i kicked him out our friendship wouldnt be too good anyways but it would be his fault. Then if he hears about me and Jill it would be a kick in the teeth to him and we don't want that.
So does anyone have any advice on what I should do. We really dont want to ignore our feelings and we have both expressed that to eachother. Lately I haven't viewed matt as too good a friend because what kind of friend can take and take but never reciprocate and show any effort at all to make things right. My view is why should i let someone stand in my way of something that feels so right (me and Jill) that really isn't a friend anymore. I mean he is a friend but he is on a fast track to not being one. We don't want him to think that he got kicked out or we arent friends anymore because of Jill. The only reason I talked to her behind his back was to get help with my situation. We just aren't sure if he will understand the whole situation is his fault. Is it just not possible to have Jill and also keep Matt as a friend? That is why Jill wanted to work on being Matt's friend again before he finds out about us. If it was me doing what he is doing I would understand. It would suck but it would be my fault and I would tolerate it.
I appreciate any advice that can be given or if you have been in a situation like this before then let me know the outcome. I have other friends that I would never talk to their Ex-girlfriend because they are my friends. But as you can see he isn't doing to much to convince me otherwise or really feel all that bad about talking to her.
One last thing I might add is that when me and my last relationship were off and on he would e-mail and text back and forth to her just innocent conversation. He never told me though and I found out by my Ex showing me the e-mail chain and seeing him say that we shouldnt be together even though he knew that i wanted to be with her and we were trying to work on things. If anything I think a friend should help me out and encourage her to stay with me. He didn't even know us when we were together just at the end of the relationship when we moved into this apartment so I didn't think he should be giving her his opinion.
I read back over this and it's obvious what I think most of you will say. I think he isn't a good friend so why not try out me and Jill but as you all may know it just isn't that easy.
Back 7 years ago im middle school Me, Matt, Jill were all friends...I knew Matt liked Jill but they ended becoming best friends. Me and Matt were best friends until halfway through highschool when things changed and we just grew apart. Now all these years later I get back in touch with Matt and find out he is moving back into town (we are all 21 now). My lease was just about up on my apartment so we got a place together. After all this time it turns out that him a Jill had just started dating a few weeks prior to him coming back.
So we move in and things are fine. I helped Matt out with money for rent till he could get a job...2-3 weeks after moving in he hadn't so much as even looked for one. Jill and Matt split for reasons I didn't know why. They only dated for 1.5 - 2 months and now they weren't friends anymore after 7 years of being best friends. I never talked to him about it really.
We have now been living here a little over 2 months and Matt still doesn't have a job. His debt to me is growing and I'm thinking of kicking him out. Rather then just act on my thoughts I talked to Jill about him, since I figured she knew him better then anyone. While we were talking it came out that she always thought I was attractive and I told her I thought the same of her. But Matt is a friend so I couldnt do that to him could I? But then I started to think about it and what kind of friend takes money from me by me paying his half of the rent and wont even go find a job. I pay for his rent and it takes a toll on my other bills but he doesn't know that. I just want what he owes me.
Anyways Jill tries to talk to Matt but he insists that everything is fine and he's doing good even though she knows from talking to me that he isn't doing good or anything for that matter. As me and Jill talk more to figure out some kind of solution we start to become close and talk in person instead of online. So close that a relationship is possible except for the barrier of Matt. We click, one day we hung out and just drove around or sat parked somewhere just talking. It was the most amazing conversation ever covering every subject possible. It went on for 12 hours without one awkward silence or pause. As we hang out more our focus is still on helping Matt but we would like to not have to hide our interest in eachother. This is extrememly difficult with him being my roommate. Jill really wants to be his best friend again and feels that 1.5 months of dating shouldnt ruin a 7 year friendship. He has to strong of feelings because he liked her the whole time they were friends. (I can relate because my last relationship was someone I liked since back in school but we never hung out till we randomly came in contact and started talking so my situation is a little different.)
So here are a few of the scenarios that me and Jill have come up with:
The best being her and Matt could start being friends again she could straighten him out and get him motivated to work and pay me back and then after some time (dont know how long) we could let him know that we were talking about him to find a way to help him and during that time we became close and feelings developed. It would probably still hurt him though.
Another is we keep it quiet forever but it's almost a gauruntee that no matter how careful we are about it (ie: her never being at the apartment) he will catch wind of it. We both decided if he knows it better be from us telling him instead of someone else telling him.
Or Matt could continue not doing anything and owe me more money and I will kick him out. I am the lease holder on the apartment. i think if i kicked him out our friendship wouldnt be too good anyways but it would be his fault. Then if he hears about me and Jill it would be a kick in the teeth to him and we don't want that.
So does anyone have any advice on what I should do. We really dont want to ignore our feelings and we have both expressed that to eachother. Lately I haven't viewed matt as too good a friend because what kind of friend can take and take but never reciprocate and show any effort at all to make things right. My view is why should i let someone stand in my way of something that feels so right (me and Jill) that really isn't a friend anymore. I mean he is a friend but he is on a fast track to not being one. We don't want him to think that he got kicked out or we arent friends anymore because of Jill. The only reason I talked to her behind his back was to get help with my situation. We just aren't sure if he will understand the whole situation is his fault. Is it just not possible to have Jill and also keep Matt as a friend? That is why Jill wanted to work on being Matt's friend again before he finds out about us. If it was me doing what he is doing I would understand. It would suck but it would be my fault and I would tolerate it.
I appreciate any advice that can be given or if you have been in a situation like this before then let me know the outcome. I have other friends that I would never talk to their Ex-girlfriend because they are my friends. But as you can see he isn't doing to much to convince me otherwise or really feel all that bad about talking to her.
One last thing I might add is that when me and my last relationship were off and on he would e-mail and text back and forth to her just innocent conversation. He never told me though and I found out by my Ex showing me the e-mail chain and seeing him say that we shouldnt be together even though he knew that i wanted to be with her and we were trying to work on things. If anything I think a friend should help me out and encourage her to stay with me. He didn't even know us when we were together just at the end of the relationship when we moved into this apartment so I didn't think he should be giving her his opinion.
I read back over this and it's obvious what I think most of you will say. I think he isn't a good friend so why not try out me and Jill but as you all may know it just isn't that easy.