need advise plz

[ozzyfozzy]

hi all, i am new to these boards.
ok, to my question. this might not really be a big deal to some people, but to me it is. i have been seeing this girl for about a year now. i love her to death i would do anything for her and she knows that. but a few things she says is really starting to bother me. for one her self confidence in her apperance is reaallly low. she always saying that she is ugly, and fat, which she isnt any of those, i am constantly reminding her that she is beautiful. and i really dont think she says that cuz she like to hear me say that she is beautiful, but cuz she really thinks she is ugly, and frankly its getting old hearing her say that, any advise on what i can do to help her get over this problem? at first it didnt seem like somthing that could bother me, but everytime i see her she is saying this and i cant even take a picture of her cuz she thinks she wont look good. should i be concerned?

any advise would be much appriciated, thanks.

[eightball61]

Ok you tried the telling her thing and that hadn't work. You can also try to make her feel special by doing little thing by like paying more attention to her needs. Make little nice meals and her her some nice stuff everyonce in a while. I am sure you will get some female views here also.

[Rich]

Unfortunately you're probably dealing with feelings that have developed over a long period of time.

How was her youth? Did her parents make her feel small and put her down? Were they proud of her and try to express that to her? Are they the communicative type? Does she have older siblings that put her down? Was she over weight or ugly as a child and made fun of in school?

From what you're telling us here, it seems like she lacks confidence and that has come about since childhood. It might be neccesary for your GF to seek professional help to help her move past the inner feelings about herself and how those feelings got their.

Rich

[wickedpixie]

you cannot show her she's beautiful, she has to find that out on her own...

you don't define her, she has to define herself...

this relationship could become very unhealthy...

[ozzyfozzy]

i dont understand..........how can it be unhealthy? please explain. as far as i am concerned she has had a couple bad relationships, so it could come from there. as far as i know i am so far the "best" guy she has ever been with so far, i plan on keepinf\g it like that and i do not plan on losing this girl just cuz she says she doesnt think she is pretty.

[wickedpixie]

she keeps saying it to YOU

because she wants YOU to define her, she want's YOU to convince her of her worth........NOT GOOD

[ozzyfozzy]

sorry, but thats really not explaining much. like i said before i seriously doubt she is saying this just to hear me tell her she is beautifull, i tell her this even when she doesnt say that. i just think she is unsecure about herself. i mean i know alot of people who feel this way about themselves, its just, it seems like she draws it out more than others.

[wickedpixie]

that is exactly why she is saying it to you , over and over, because she feels she NEEDS your reassurance.

she should go to counseling.....

[ozzyfozzy]

ok, so what i am asking is how can it make this relationship bad. what kinda signs would i need to look for? all your saying is that she wants me to tell her she is beautiful. but what i need to know is how can this make things go sour?

[eightball61]

but what i need to know is how can this make things go sour?

Then just break it off. :D

I am confused to what you want now? R you joking about making it sour? Please tell me I am wrong

[Rich]

I think what he's asking is how can her lack of self confidence make things go sour, not that he wants to make it go sour.

Oz, it all comes down to what you want in a partner. Having a lack of self confidence can mainfest into other areas and cause other problems. Do you want a partner that is emotionally strong and can handle life's issues, or do you want a partner that you constantly need to prop up and support?

You don't say how old you are but often times as people get older and get experience under their belt, they're self confidence grows. If you're both young, then it's a good chance that your GF will "grow up" and gather self confidence and this won't be an issue.

It's up to you to sort of look down the road and see how big of an issue it is now and whether or not you can see it changing. Maybe she's just that type that will need constant praise and support. I know right now that you're saying that you'll do anything for her, but trust me, as you get older, get married, take on a mortgage, car payments, have kids and worry about your career, you sometimes can't give your wife all that she needs. And then her lack of self confidence starts to be a drag.

When you start raising a family both parents need to be emotionally strong. Don't know if you're close to that stage in your life yet, but you just need to look ahead.

If you're young and are just looking to date and have fun without any type of long term commitment yet and giving this girl what she needs is no problem, then go at it young man. Have fun. This all goes to your learning experience and seeing what you like and don't like in a partner. Helps for when you start looking for a wife.

Rich

[CalistaClap]

It would probably scare you to know how many woman out there think of themselves as ugly or fat.

I think it has alot to do with the whole have to look like a celebrity thing. All celebrities that people class as "pretty" are very thin, very attractive, model material peoplee. You don't see Plain Jane as pinups on the guys walls. Just think about how much Anorexia and Bulemia there is out there. Thin girls seeing themselves as fat.

I don't know very many woman who are completely happy with their body. Some see it worse off than others, even if they are very pretty.

I think that it has alot to do with self confidence. Something may have happened to her when she was younger, or a teenager, but then again it may not have. She just may not be happy with her body.

YOu say that she has been in a few bad relationships. Trust me, there isn't much out there that could bring your self confidence down about everything then having someone treat you poorly, such as cheating, abuse, jealousy, etc. If that is something that she has expereiced in her past, that also may be something that has contributed to it.

I don't agree with the above post that she is doing it for attention from you. Of all the ways for her to get attention from you, putting herself down, to me doesn's seem like a rational one.

I also don't think that there is much you can do to change how she feels about herself. If she is unhappy with her looks, it not ment to affect you. You could always reassure her here and there, and tell her how attractive you think that she is, without her saying it first. This may be something that she will grow out of eventually, when she realizes that life isn't always about looks.

Whatever the case, I wouldn't take it personally towards you, it is something that she isn't happy with, and the only one who can change that is her.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[wickedpixie]

I think I'm utterly stunning......

I think it bothers a lot of men...
lots of guys like insecure girls.... sick, but true.

[Rich]

Is a person insecure when they stay with someone, even though they know that persons is bad for them and the relationship is not a good one?

[wickedpixie]

could be...that's not it...

I think I'm too empathetic...
I know why he acts the way he does and I just wish I could make him see its not necessary...

I see the good in him, there is soooo much good in him.....

but I have to leave him for him to see it for himself...

[Rich]

Then what might it be? Look within and be honest with your self evaluation

[CalistaClap]

I seen alot of good in my ex. ALOT of good. I kept seeing it after he cheated, and kept seeing it after he lied.

If you want to see his good side, it will blind you from his bad side.

Everyone told me over and over that he is not a good person the way he was treating me, and I KEPT SEEING HIS GOOD SIDE. Outsiders tend to see the bad more clearly than the ones in the relationship.

Just like they are doing to you. You are seeing his good side, but from what you have described, all we can see is the bad. It just may not be as obvious to you, because you are still looking for the good.

[wickedpixie]

he betrayed you
my situation is not so cut and dry...he's "sick"
but if I care about either one of us, I have to turn my back....

i realize it, and I will do it.