what is she thinking?

[johnson19]

this is a tough one and very long, i'll go ahead and let you know before you even start reading, but i think you need to know every detail. anyway, im 19 and this girl a year younger than i who i went to hgih school with and had talked to before, but never really got to konw, came in to my life about 8 months ago. we had a fun time out together and ahve talked almost every day since. i absolutely adored her from day 1. however, there are some major bumps on this road. for starters, although i don't think it's a huge ordeal in her life, in fact she's never even mentioned it, her sister told me. but when she was younger she saw her father beating her mother. she's a perfectly normal, pretty, popular, smart girl, but she's never been in a real relationship with a guy (she hasnt seen her father since the prior experience, her brother is an ass who could give 2 puddings about her, however, she has an unbelievably close knit group of friends including guys who she is oh so close to). i am the first guy to like her like this. anyway, secondly, she's a virgin and i'm not, however, i also don't think this is a big problem. she's told me of her plans to wait until marriage, and whether she means it or not, i don't care, bc i like her that much. thirdly, she's never open about her feelings. i never know how she feels. anyway after the first month, in which i admit i tried to rush things, i talked to her about dating and she freaked out and said she wanted to just be friends. well we stayed friends, but even though she says that, it's always been more than friends. we talk on the phone 2-3 hours a day. her sleep is precious to her and she'll stay up until 5-6 in the morning talking to me on the phone. we absolutely NEVER fight. we're alike in countless ways. we make each other laugh. everything is there, except: the phsyical chemistry just is not there (for me it is, it's not there for her) but not to be earlobey, but it's not that she doesn't think im good looking or anything, i know for a fact she thinks i am so good looking and all her friends think i am soooo hot and all this. in 8 months, we've never truely kissed (ive always wanted to kiss her, a couple times she's even turned her head). we hold hands, kiss goodnight (just a peck), scratch each others backs, that type thing. this is partially my fault bc with a girl that has vowed to remain a virgin until married, it's hard to pursue any kind of physical contact in my opinion. anyway, i got a little off topic sry, after about 3 months, same thing happened. dating was brought up, and again she did the whole i want to be friends thing (said she didnt get butterflies or a fast hearbeat when i called/saw her). however, once again, we never really "ended" the whole "being together" thing. that's another part, she'll tell people we're together or "we're talking" but still hesitates to date me. also, as a side note, i am 100 percent blatantly head over heels for this girl. so i am pretty much always at her feet. she plays all kinds of games and i just let her do it bc i want to treat her well. after 7 months, same thing, except this time, we decided to really end the whole being together thing and just be friends. i was miserable. i wanted to call her so bad after the conversation but i didn't let myself. we didn't talk for 3 days. on the 2nd night i got a call from her sister's phone, i said hello, and then she hung up. i knew it was her, but i didnt call her back that night. the next day i did. and in the whole 7 months, she had never told me her feelings, she finally did that day. she told me that in my 3 days absence she had realized she cared about me, liked me, had feelings for me, etc. like a fool, i immediately jump right back into things trusting that we'd be together for sure now. things were unbelieveably improved. everything was perfect now. for two weeks straight she was a diff. person. she seemed so happy and unlike before, always wanted to do things and talk to me. however, 3 weeks of this went on and still no real kiss or anything like that. well school started a week ago. we didnt' see each other for one whole week bc we both have very busy school schedules and good study habits. this past weekend, we rode together to a party and she was acting wierd all nite. she wouldn't talk to me and then before we went out, totally made it obvious that she didn't really want me there. it resulted in a fight and we left so i could drive her car to her house to get my truck to go home. we were in a pretty serious fight so didnt talk on the way home. when we got to her house we had a serious talk in which she said she didn't want to keep doing this. i kept asking why and all she could say is that she cares about me so much, but something just wasnt there. i kept asking what that something was and all she could say was that she didnt know. eventually, she said she didn't feel the "ual" (funny she even used that word bc she isn't just a girl who just says this, but she really wants to wait for marriage) attraction. i said like what . and she was like well we've never even really kissed and i told her that i had tried to kiss her a few times and she turned her head, ever during the 3 weeks when everything was great after a great night together. then she said, and also i think its wierd taht weve been together for 8 months and arent dating, in which i told her that i had been trying to date her but she alwasys said no. and she said yea i know, bc i feellike theres just something thats not there. and i poured my guts telling her how completely how i felt about her (didn't say i loved her - in which i am very much lead to belive i do) and she said she knows i would be the best bf in the world but something didnt feel right. she said she wanted to end it and i told her, i understand, but not to expect to get me back if she changed her mind (though i don't mean that at all), and she said that was okay, and that she didn't konw if she was making the right decision. she also told me she thought of me as her best friend. her sister told me that same night she stayed up like 2 hours after going to bed just thinking. today is 2 days after that night. we havent talked. im back to playing the waiting game to see if she calls or if its really over. what do you think is going on? do you think she just wants me to think its really over this time so that i wont call her and she can maybe find some things out from my absence? if we do get back together, should i be more hard-to-get to make her realize that she needs me? what is she so afraid of, letting go and revealing to herself that she cares about someone? will she even have it in her to call me herself and let me know how she really feels? do you think i really made her think that it would be over for good if she wanted it to be and would maybe not call bc of that? if i don't hear from her after a few days, should i call her, i don't want her to think i'll always just run back to her, if i should call, what should i say my reason for calling is and how should i act? i'm almost positive this girl feels the same way about me that i feel about her, i think she's just scared. why else would she hang on for 8 months? please help me. thanks in advance. you have no idea how much your help is appreciated.

[eightball61]

Why wait for her.......To me it wouldn't be worth it. You can try calling but dont wait around because you may lose out on other people. I do realize that you care for her but waiting for her while she plays a game is not the best way to go.

Maybe I have this whole thing wrong but you need to take care of your own. You did good by coming here and we are here to help but remember that yu have to keep busy with friends and stuff. If she wants to come back then she will come around. She may be to late but you start doing your own thing.

[Rich]

The first, quick response is to say to move on, because if she doesn't have "those special feelings" about you now, that she'll never get them. That it takes two to make a relationship work and obviously you're going it alone here.

But on second thought, there has to be other things going on with this girl. Without knowing her background (how she was raised, religious beliefs and the like) it's hard to say exactly what her mindset is.

For some reason she believes in staying a virgin until she's married. Maybe that was a believe instilled by her mom because she didn't want her running out and getting pregnant by accident.

Maybe it's from religious beliefs that are instilling that.

Maybe it's from reading and believing in fairy tales that a knight in shining armour will come for her on a white horse and sweep her away.

Or maybe it's just a fear of getting pregnant or catching a disease.

Either way that you look at it, your "girl friend" has some internal, mental and emotional issues that you should try to get to the bottom of. Why is it that she has a lot of friends (and guys friends at that) but she hasn't been dated by anyone of them? Why haven't they made a play for her? There's got to be reasons for that.

Maybe she just doesn't feel that "special" way about you and you just have to accept that and move on, or maybe there's something more. Try having an honest and open conversation about WHY she feels the way she does. Not only about you, but her philosophy on "waiting until marriage".

Just one more thing. How can someone who never had , know what or what doesn't turn them on ually? To go out that long with her and never even really kiss??? You're a better man then I am.

I never agreed with the philosophy of waiting until marriage to be intimate with someone. Passion, and uality all play an important role in a marriage. A couples bedroom is their sanctuary. It's their private place where all things are worked out and where that tight bond is formed and strengthend. If a couple isn't compatible in the bed and bedroom, then the marriage WON'T work. It's as simple as that.

What if the person who was saving themselves for marriage finds out on their wedding night that they really don't like all that much? What then? Keep living together and stay married because? And what of the spouse? What if they find that their new spouse isn't all that they want ually and probably won't grow into what they want ually in a spouse? It's kinda late when you're now married and you find these things out.

You don't buy a car without taking it for a test drive. Same thing with . You need to have it with your partner before you get married.

Rich

[johnson19]

Thank you both for responding.

The status as of now is like this:

She told me she wanted to "stop doing this" on Saturday, Jan. 22. We didn't talk until Friday Jan. 28 (I called her at work, my mistake I know I shouldn't have.... I should have waited for her to call)

however....

I was on my cell phone at school when I called her, so I asked her to call me right back, in which she immediately did. She sounded very surprised and was breathing real deep. She wasn't being short or anything at all, she really sounded like she was glad I called. I however, was kind of aggravated at the time and came off as kind of pissed off. I asked her how she had been doing and didn't mention anything about what we had talked about Sat. night except that it felt wierd not talking to her. I then asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me, in which she said she had told me everything she wanted to tell me. She told me she wasn't expecting me to call. I made the conversation brief and told her to call me that night if she wanted to ... she didn't, but like I said I was being kind of rude, but I think it's okay because I really want her to think I'm getting over her.

The next night (Saturday), since we hang out with a lot of the same people, I saw her at a friend's apartment with all of her friends. I told everyone hey and didn't look for her right when I got there, then eventually saw her near me and told her hey and gave her a hug. That was it, but for the remainder of the time that she was there I could see and feel her staring at me. Everyone went out to a club afterwards that she always goes to and all her friends went, but for some reason she went home by herself. She know I was going out. Later that night, I went to a different club with one of our friends who is also a girl and she called my girl and asked her where she was and why she didn't go out, in which my girl replied "She didn't feel like it"

Sunday, I text messaged her and said "I thought you said we were still going to be friends. You could hardly even tell me hey last night." She then responded, "I told you hey and gave you a hug. What else did you want?" in which I replied, "Oh so I guess we went from talking every day for 8 months to just saying hey when we see each other. But it's cool, as long as we're still acquintances" (BTW I've maybe only once before talked to her with this kind of y attitude, she's usually the one pulling my strings)

Here's the most confusing part, she tries to blame us not talking on me. She was in fact the one who said she doesn't want to do this any more the past Saturday, so I told her that was fine, but I didn't want to talk to her for a while because I was really going to try to get over her this time. If she really wanted us to be friends, why does she still want me to call her and talk to her? Her response to my previous message was "Your the one who said that you didnt want to talk for a while and thats fine, I understand. But dont get mad at me, that was your decision."

I then replied "Yea well it didn't take as long as I had expected (getting over her). But I'm not gonna lose you as a friend too Angela.)

And she then typed "I will always be ure friend."
I didn't respond, then 10 minutes later she sent me this message (if you remember earlier I told you our friend called her the night I went out and she didn't) "Next time you want to know where I am, you don't have to get Lacey to call."

So, thus far, why would she still want to talk to me first off? Secondly, why would she tell me that I "want to know where she is". If she really wanted us to be just friends, don't you think she would act differently?

About 6 hours later, I responded, saying "I don't know what that means, but if I ever want to know where you are, I'll call you myself" She didn't respond, which I later found out was because she was at the library, so after an hour I called her. She didn't answer but unexpectedly called me back after about another hour, in which she told me she was sorry she had been at the library for a while and didn't have her phone with her. It was mainly just small talk, there was definitely tension as if we both just wanted to burst out and tell each other what we were feeling, but I could tell she wanted to be talking to me. I asked her what the message meant and told her taht I didn't get her friend to call her that night and we talked for another minute and then I told her i was going to get something to eat, but do you want me to call you when i get back, and she said no bc she was about to go to bed. So i said bye and told her I'd talk to her later, I always used to tell her goodnight, but didn't here. That was Sunday night. We didn't talk Monday until I got off work at 9 that night, and being weak again, called her to tell her about the new job that I got and she told me she was writing a paper. So i asked her if she wanted me to let her go. She said no. We talked about another minute about nothing, and I then insisted I let her go why she wrote her paper, but that she could call me later if she wanted, in which she again didnt', but also not unexpected by me, bc this girl is not a girl who stays up late at all and knows that I don't like talking to her when she's real tired bc she comes off as y. Tuesday - we didn't talk to her until 11 pm that night and I know this sounds like an excuse to call her, but I REALLY DID need to get something from her wed. morning for school. So I messaged her asking if she was awake, waited about a minute and then msged her back saying, "I was just going to see if you could do me a favor, but it's not that big of a deal just call me in the morning when u get this if u get a chance." Well the second message woke her up and she called me back (In 8 months this girl has never been awaken by my phone call and caled me back, ever). She messaged back saying "Im up now, what's wrong" I called her and told her what was up and had absolutely no problem with meeting me in the morning. I told her I would call her in the morning. That was this morning. Well she called me this morning and I went and met up with her (BTW she was wearing the shirt I got her for her birthday, one which she doesn't wear often). We met up briefly, I thanked her and left to go to class. An hour after we parted she called me asking if I had a calculator on hand to help her with a math problem. I called her afer class and went to her work and brought her back what I had borrowed from her earlier and she told me to call her when i got home bc she needed me to help with the problems. i called her and helped her with the problems and told her i'd talk to her later. I haven't called her tonight and will most likely not, I may however send her a msg thanking her again for the favor.

Sorry I know this has been long, but these are literally all the details since "the talk". What do you guys think is going on? I've tried to have an unbiased opinion about it, and still, it seems and looks as if she really doesn't want us to be over.

How should I play it from here on out? Should I not call her everyday? Should I not mention anything else about "being together" and just ease back into things and wait for her to bring it up? Should I continue focusing on moving on?

[eightball61]

I have told you in my last post what to do. IT seems that all she cares about it her. Even your last post pointed this out. She blames you for a communication error when you are the one try to seek help in fixing things and she is not doing anything. There is a lot of fixing that needs to be done to consider this again. If you want to work it out with her then you both just need to start all over and slow again.

[Rich]

Sorry, that was soooo long that I got lost.

It's been a long while since I've had to deal with immature school type stuff, which is what this is. No offense intended there.

Look. You're both still young and in school. It's way too early for you both to start thinking about marriage. And if you're not thinking about marriage, then you both should be going out with as many people as you can. Going out with many different types of people builds your interpersonal experience data base.

Having a bit of experience will help you in determining what type of person that you can see yourself wanting to marry and what kind of traits that you'd like that person to have.

That being said, forget this girl and go get 5 others! 10 others. 15 others. Why play the games? Why play the games? Why play the games?

Move on, meet chicks and have fun. My God, you're in college. Pretty soon you'll graduate and then it's welcome to the REAL WORLD. Enjoy your time and don't let the games slow you down. Don't play them.

Not knowing where you live, what school that you go to or how big it is (people wise), girls tend to play games.

When the ratio of men to women is very high, like 20 men for woman, the women know this and use it to their advantage. They play guys against each other and use men for drinks, dinner and come and go companionship. You can either get played or do your own thing.

Move on, this girl has a lot of growing up to do. Unless of course you're just looking to be the one to take her virginity, then stay at it.