Shocked and Confused

[Devanostic]

My wife and I have been married for over 10 years, have had several children, and as with any marriage we've had our ups and downs. We knew each other fairly well when we got married or so I thought. The last major even in our lives was a little over 2 years ago when my wife had to have a complete hysterectomy due to medical reasons. During some of our recent talks she has spilled nibbles of information about things from her past and by asking "what does that mean", I get the entire story. Some of the things that she has told me have been things that any one would have expected, suach she used to drink, used drugs, and was a heavy partier, nothing new or suprising for the most part. The things that really blew me away were her ual exploits with details and reasons of occurrence. Some were amazing, some were degrading, and some were down right ograghic, I have been making myself unavailable during the times that we usually talk because I am not sure I want to know or hear the rest. I am shocked that the same woman in these happening is the woman I love and is the mother of my children. I miss talking to my wife but I am not sure if I can handle what comes next.

[Rich]

You married her for who she is, not who she was. Do you not still love her now? What's in the past is in the past. Unless she's now telling you things (why after 10 years) because she might want to try them again and is just feeling you out by your reaction?

I can see how it could be upsetting if she had portrayed herself as someone that you're now finding out is totally opposite. Did she lie to you and say that she never did drugs, or partied? That I would be upset about. Sort of false advertising. So, did she lie to you before you got married, or did these subjects never come up?

[Devanostic]

Yes, I still Love her and as I said these things are coming out within the last couple of months. She had told me that she drinks and still likes to but not to the extent that she has recently elaborated. As I said before the excessive drinking, drugs, and partying, I can sortof understand as everyone has some sort of party phase in their life, but the things she did ually were never even hint at prior to a couple of months ago.

[SALly]

I say- it was over 10 years ago... who cares!? You can't judge her now for things that happened then. I've done a lot of things in high school and college that I'm not exactly proud of-- and those things have no reflection on the person and mother I am today.

[Diablo]

I agree with Sally. Perhaps those things that you call downright ographic are messing with her mind too. Maybe she needs to talk about it to someone who won't condem her and I guess you're elected. You should be feeling good that she felt comfortable enough to bring these things up to you. It shows that she trusts you and has confidence that you will not repeat anything she said. If she talks about things you would rather not know, invoke the TMI (too much information) rule; however, she's your wife and believes that she should be able to tell you anything. Frankly, I think what you're interpretting as a bad thing isn't a bad thing at all. A good husband is as much of a friend to his wife as anything else. You should resume your discussions with your wife immediately. It's all things she did before she knew you anyway, so what does it have to do with the here and now?