View Full Version : He is bipolar - AND we're in an LDR
Ack!
We've been dating for 3 years. Prior to that 3 years we were good friends. I knew he was bipolar before we became romantically involved. That being said, we've always talked openly and freely about his disorder and his medications. We've accepted it as a part of him, and we don't neccessarily treat it like a disorder and I've never felt sorry for him. I hope that made sense.
During the first 2.5 years of the relationship, he was a very charismatic and fun person. He expressed his love verbally or physically almost every day. His bouts of depression lasted maybe a few days and he was as good as new.
We've become a LDR since November 2004, and I will return in May 2005.
That was all background information so you can help me out a little better. Now I'll get to the point.
He no longer expresses his love for me.
He used to text me love messages, call me to say goodnight, i love you, i miss you, etc. All the sweet loving things that existed before we ever became LD.
Now.. he doesn't even say I love you when I say it to him. His calls are less frequent, and he doesn't sound excited to hear from me anymore.
I think his manic-depression has worsened, because he never sounds happy anymore. When he does seem happy, it lasts only a few minutes and he's pissed off or worried about something again.
I told him that i'm worried that he doesn't care anymore. He has reassured me that he still cares simply by saying "no, i still care". but it was so cold in the manner he said it. I didn't complain any further because that's all the justification that I needed. His word was enough for the moment. But now he's just cold.
It could be possible that he's cheating on me. Or it could be possible that his depression has gotten so bad that he wants to express such feelings but cannot.
We've visited each other. The first time, we met in Las Vegas and we just had a lot of fun when we were alone. The second time, he came to visit me, but our schedules really conflicted to the point where I only have a few hours with him in only a few days. His entire visit was very depressed, hectic and angry. But, when we were together, I noticed, that he kept in constant physical contact with me. That was nice.
I don't think that's enough conviction to say that he's not cheating on me. Or maybe i'm just kidding myself.
I really don't know what to do. To be honest, I don't know exactly what kind of advice i'm looking for.
CalistaClap
01-31-2005, 01:43 PM
That's a hard one. Have you talked to his friends or family to see if they see a change in his behaviour as well?
Also, how far away are you? A few hours drive, or acrossed the country?
eightball61
01-31-2005, 02:04 PM
This is a tough one because we only hear one side to this. His actions could be because of several reasons. I dont want to express any of tem because you dont want to get thoughts in your mind that may not be true. The only thing I can share is talk to him more about showing feelings over the phone and tell him thats what makes you feel a little more secure about things. LDW can be hard but things can work out if you both work together.
Dealing with mental conditions is tough. Have you done research on being bi-polar? Does it get worse over time?
Maybe he's depressed that you're away. Maybe he craves the closeness that you had and it's adding to his depression that you're far away.
Maybe with you gone he hasn't been as diligent in taking his meds?
You don't mention your age in this. I ask that because as you get older, life gets tougher. Work, bills, relationships, houses, terrorism and our country. There's so much crap to think and worry about that it can be depressing sometimes even for non-polar people. Plus it's winter time and the holidays just past. That could add to his depression as well. Being bi-polar just makes it that much more difficult.
Bottom line is to have a convo with him and be honest with your feelings and concerns. See what he says. Being in a LDR is tough. It's hard to see the facial expressions and feelings that go behind the words that are spoken on a phone or written in letter. Feelings can be mislead in trying to interpret things.
Just be honest and don't accept that "nothing is wrong" as an answer. You need to press the issue. Tell him that you've noticed that things have changed and you want to know what is going on, because something is! If he says nothing, then tell him that you'll then have to guess as to what is going on and that maybe your guessing won't be good for your relationship. That should drive him to open up. The last thing that you should have to feel like is that you're walking on egg shells when trying to discuss things with you partner because of his condition.
Be open and be HONEST!
Rich
we talked. He's no longer ready to handle our relationship anymore. He tells me i'm so wonderful and I'm so good to him. However, he's not the same person. He says, that if i stay with him, he will no longer be the same loving person he was. He doesn't want to be with anyone. He's not looking around. He just needs to figure himself out first. He no longer knows what he wants in life. All aspects of it.
However, he did say that, the day that he wants to be in a relationship again, that person would be me. Saying something like this makes me want to wait for him. But I don't know if that's wise. He was sincere, and he held me all night. We have broken up. Needless to say, I am extremely upset.
There has been a series of unfortunate events happen to me in the past 2 weeks. This one is the final blow. I feel so low.
eightball61
02-02-2005, 01:58 PM
However, he did say that, the day that he wants to be in a relationship again, that person would be me.
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I am sorry to hear the outcome that has happened but its better to know than have this drag on. I will suggest though dont wait for him. Your goal is to procceed with someone and his are not. It takes 2 to make that work. It is a blow but after a while you will realize it was maybe for the best. Kepp you head up and we are here.
Just know and trust that all things happen for a reason. What he did was nice. He was letting go and not hurting you until he got his life together. That's a mature thing to do.
Go on with your life and let what happens, happen. If things get better and you both get back together, then great. If not, then that's what was meant to be.
Go date other guys and just go with the flow. All things will work out. You might not believe it now, but trust in that.
Rich
But I feel for him so strongly, that it would be worth the wait? It sounds cliche' but I don't think I could ever feel as deeply as I do for anyone as I did him. At one point in time, we were talking about getting married once school is out of the way.
Yah, I know everyone feels deeply for anyone that they are in a relationship with. Especially when the relationship is either new, or freshly broken off. But this time, I know in my heart, that this is true.
Every past relationship is incomparable to what we had. This is the first time I've ever put all my heart and soul. He is perfect. He was even gentleman enough to break up with me the way he did. Un sugar coated, sincere, and to my eyes. Even after all my blubbering and pleading. He just held me and said that I didn't deserve this and that everything will turn out okay somehow.
I used to be the type of person that liked to be alone. But after I met him, I found that I like being a part of someone and being an importance in someone's life. I don't want to be in the game. I was happy at where we were. Life must go on, I know. I am just confusing myself. I guess I need some time to greive.
I think maybe a good suggestion is to just let him be for a bit and to work out his issues. There's nothing wrong with telling him that you'll be there for him if he needs you.
I also don't think that anyone is saying just go right out and start dating if it's not within your heart to do so right now. The way to look at it is to say to yourself that you won't go out looking, but if a relationship were to come your way, that you wouldn't turn it aside. And isn't that always the way? That we find and meet someone when we're not really looking to.
Who knows, maybe going out with someone else will make you realize even more how much you love this guy. Just don't be adversed to meeting someone new, that's all. There are many nice men out there.
Best wishes,
Rich
eightball61
02-03-2005, 01:55 PM
You can wait if you like but as you said life goes on and he may also. IF he moves on and you stay then you will be more disapointed. I am not telling you to forget him but get out there again and experience the fun side of life.
He just told me last night that he is n o longer in love with me. I think he said it so that It would make it easier for me to move on. He wouldn't say it to my face. He couldn't look at me. I asked him to look at me, in my eyes, and say it, but he could not. My chest hurts right now. I wish I could make this pain go away. I keep beating myself over the fact that I shouldn't have left to go to Atlanta in the first place. If I never left, he would have never lost interest in being in love. He said he doesn't want love because it hurts him too much. If I stayed, we'd still be together. I know it. I hate it.
eightball61
02-03-2005, 10:37 PM
If I stayed, we'd still be together. I know it. I hate it.
Your now in self-denial...These things hit in stages and eventually you'll be upset and angry with him then back to feeling sorry. Its like a see-saw effect...You don't blame yourself for a breakup. These things happen naturally unless the other partner really screws up.
You are not at fault here and you need to trick your mind to that. The broke up has happened and now its time to think of yourself and what to do next to stay ontop.
Think about what you just said. It makes no sense.
You said that you should have never went to Atlanta and then his love for you wouldn't have left.
Are you serious?
What kind of love is that fleeting? Is that the kind of love that you're looking for?
Love isn't that shallow or fleeting. When two people love each other, any separation makes their love grow deeper because you totally miss the other person when they're gone. You yearn to be with them. It makes you feel like you never want to be away from them again because you miss them so much. Your heart grows fonder, not colder.
So, if you were to marry that person, would you never travel or leave them for a few days becuase they will fall out of love for you? Is that what you want?
Things happen for a reason. Love draws together, it doesn't push apart. don't beat yourself up.
Rich
We both thought that we could endure 6 months apart. We both agreed that we woudl come out stronger in the end when I returned. Turned out that it was too difficult. He sait the pain of missing me and the hurt of being lonely was too much. I only assume that him being bipolar only makes him more confused and hopeless. He can't handle the pain.
As If I wasn't hurting too. He knows that I was hurting too, but he just couldn't handle the hurt and worry anymore. It's just too much for him right now. This is what he tells me.
eightball61
02-04-2005, 11:27 PM
It's just too much for him right now. This is what he tells me.
A hint as he need further time away and less communication.
bohemiandonut
02-06-2005, 09:28 AM
Rich said:
"Love isn't that shallow or fleeting. When two people love each other, any separation makes their love grow deeper because you totally miss the other person when they're gone. You yearn to be with them. It makes you feel like you never want to be away from them again because you miss them so much. Your heart grows fonder, not colder."
Well Rich, that may be the case when you take a trip out of town from the girlfriend for a few days, but the psychology most likely changes when the seperation is decided, and it has been for half a year.
However, I think that is irrelevant.
Tida, remember that you have the advantage here, so yo have to think about how you want this to turn out. What I mean is, he is suffering psychologically, whereas you have the advantage of a constant perspective. The distance he is creating is probably not because he is cheating, he just doesn't seem to be in the right frame of mind to go woo other damsels. I think he still loves you. You know he does, too. Things like love aren't so unpredictable that they change with the weather. Himself knows he loves you. He is just out of touch with himself, that's all.
Your job as the keener observer is to help this poor lass out. Be strong, but gentle. The kid is obviously struggling. Love is the abandonment of ego-pride, it's like walking out the front door with no money and no shoes and just having faith that you're going to be okay. The absence of your presence probably left him standing scared in the street, wondering where his shoes are. And he is trying to find his way home. Tell him that his home is with you and he is safe. Tell him you want to hold him and make him feel better, but he is pushing you away. Tell him there is nothing he needs to hide or hold back, and make, MAKE him look into your eyes. Tell him that you want to help him through this, but you can't without some sacrifice on his part, a shedding of whatever secret he is keeping. Letting go is hard but vital.
Tida, you only have this life, and it's a world of decisions, but don't listen to the old, embittered morons who tell you to "move on, you're deluding yourself, you're in denial." Love is a difficult journey, and I would hate to see this one cut short because a guy got scared he was losing himself. You don't lose yourself, people, it's just the process of releasing yourself that feels depleting and draining. But you gain back what you give. It is a reward.
Tida, follow your heart but don't catalyze his destructive behavior by filling the role he has selfishly created for you. By waiting for him, you are telling him that it's okay for him to go on like this, that whenever he can really shove his secret into the back of his head and act happy, you'll be waiting. You don't want this. You want him to realize that if he leaves those shoes behind and walks out that door, you'll be there to carry him over all the rocks that might cut his new, free, "sole." (Haha, it's great to end with a pun!)
Follow the narrow path babe!
Luck and Love,
Nick
I've tried saying such things. I've told him that I would come back and stay with him, that I would always be here for him for support. I asked him to stop pushing me away and I wanted to help him let go of his anger and depression.
He says that he doesn't want to think about it. He doesn't want to feel the pain and worry of a relationship. Maybe someday he will be ready, but right now he's not.
He's depressed, angry, and now that he's lost his job, he has no income. I know he feels lost. I know he's not himself. He gets angry when other's try to help. He feels not good enough for me. And now he says because of all of this. He doesn't feel love anymore. You're right, he loves me. He knows he does. He just doesn't feel it anymore. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he simply can't.
And because he can't, he becomes increasingly frustrated and then truly stops caring. I don't know what to do but sit on the sidelines until he is better. Because he simply doesn't want me.. he doesn't want anybody. It hurts.
Tida-
This man is emotionally weak. Ask yourself if that is the type of person that you think that you could have a happy, solid and content long term relationship with? And by long term I mean a 20, 30 or 40 year marriage.
It just sounds like you would be in for one emotionally draining issue after another with this man and all with the crutch of his bi-polarness. Is that what you want in a relationship? Do you not think that you could do better? Do you want to play nurse maid to his feelings for the rest of your life?
Stop looking for reasons to accept his behavior. Six months isn't a long time.
To me, you're looking to be in a relationship that will constantly be emotionally draining. Why? Unless of course that's what you want.
Rich
He always had his ups and downs. We both always new that he was manic-depressive. So, at least I knew what i was getting into.
The relationship overall was a very good relationship. There are very few bad memories. I'm trying to focus on bad memories of us, but there just aren't any that are strong enough. At times the relationship was emotionally draining, but not so much that any other relationship couldn't handle.
It was just until recently that it became so strenuous, that he quit. I mentioned before, all this happened with no warning sign.
I left San Diego in the end of October. We still loved each other in November, even more in December. The beginning of January seemed a little dismal because he came to visit and our schedules conflicted so much that we couldn't really spend much time. it was the last few weeks of January (perhaps 2 or 3) that he was thinking of calling it quits because he cannot handle the pain.
So i flew to see him the very first week of Feb. ANd he broke it down to me. The reason why it hurts so much is because everything we had was good. Then out of no where, with no warning sign, and such a short period of time, he let me go.
It sounds so much like an impulse and that maybe he'll come back to me.
But, I had planned to be with him for the entire first week of Feb to love him and have fun with him. Instead I had to spend the entire week at our apartment acting as if we were just friends.
I failed miserably at trying to hide my feelings for him of wanting to get back together. And I know this only pushed him away further. Lessening my chances of him coming back to me.
I love him so much. I am willing to endure the wait until he decides to return. Just because I wait doesn't mean i'm going to quit my goals. I just don't want to see other people. I just want him. I know it is unrealistic that he will be with me soon. I know I shouldn't count on it. But I can't help myself. I love him.
Then follow your heart, Tida, until you get closure either way.
Just a thought, but with how you're acting by just waiting for him, could it be that you're sort of fixated on him and he sensed this. Could he be backing out because of that?
Just a thought.
That's an interesting thought. I think we were just fixated on each other. I was WoWed by him because he was WoWed by me. Does that make sense?
And just like any loving relationship we share and did things for one another. Loved each other unconditionally. Loved each others families. We were both honest and open about everything. I was the first person he really opened up to. We were happy.
One conversation we had during the breakup was how he felt that he wasn't good enough for me. And he didn't understand why I wanted to be with him. He also said that I made him feel like being a better person and that it felt good to feel that way. He really enjoyed our relationship and he doesn't know why he "changed".
Although, i don't really see what the change was in him. I think it's all in his mindset.
Then I could be making excuses for myself and I could still be in denial. I have to trick myself and convince myself not to beleive such things. But it's so hard.
From what you wrote there, I don't see a fixation type thing.
I can see how you can be confused.
I think you should just leave it that he has some issues to work out.
I you feel that the wait is worth it and you'll be together in the end, then you gotta do what your heart wants to do.
Much luck,
Rich
Actually it's a little over a month. I did try to talk to him and let him know that I will always be there and I wanted to help him through. He just got angry with me and said he didn't want anyone's help, he just wanted to be alone and especially away from GA. There's something he's running away from that he doesn't want to speak to anyone about. Not even me. So now we're just friends. He does call, text, or e-mail me to let me know how his life is going. He tells me he misses me and wishes I was there with him. But it's all friendly. :rolleyes:
Of course, I still want more. I think of him contstantly. I'm used to it now though. It no longer hurts. I've accepted that we're not together, and I've accepted that i'll be thinking of him no matter what and will just have to wait til the day that he doesn't cross my mind.
I do get rather lonely. I miss the comfort of a person that wants to snuggle and hug n kiss n tell me i'm pretty n suff. :p So i've tried to meet other people, but it doesn't really work out because I'm still carrying the stupid torch for this guy that will probably never return. I feel too guilty to engage in the dating scene.
eightball61
03-24-2005, 02:03 PM
I'm still carrying the stupid torch for this guy that will probably never return..[/FONT][/COLOR]
Your carrying the torch because you really felt for this guy. How much pain or bluntness does he have to give you as a sign that he doesn't want to be with you? He has gotten angry at you and told you things to hurt you to give you that sign that he just needs alone time. You are not superwomen and you can't help him. Only he can seek proper help out for himself.
You are stuck on him because of many reasons. You dont want to let go though because you miss the comfort and when you do try dating someone you don't allow yourself to be open enough to accept that person and thats why it never works out. You are not ready to date at this time and it will take some time to heal. Date little by little to get used of the dating scene again. You dont have to go into a relationship right off. Keep going on dates like you have been and work everything from there.
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