trust...

[laybac]

after 2 years of being together and a 3 month old child together, my girl still does not trust me. this is a fact, and she throws it in my face in many ways at least twice a month - seriously. talking does not help about how i feel about the issue, have done it many many times. it goes in one ear and the other. im near the end and cant take it anymore! i dont do her dirty in any way. what shall be done???

[coach]

What reasons does she give for doubting your trustworthiness?

[laybac]

What reasons does she give for doubting your trustworthiness?
there are none-seriously! her ex-hubby did her real dirty so i think she carries that "i dont trust any guy" issue on me.

[coach]

If you have been reliable over the two years that you have been together, then she does have some evidence on which to build her trust in you.

I think she needs help - but unfortunately, I don't think you are going to be able to help her because you are the object of her suspicions.

If this had cropped up during her pregnancy or after the birth, then I think maybe time might see some improvement, but if she has never been able to trust you because of previous let downs by other people, then I think she needs outside help.

However, first of all she needs to recognise that it is her problem. Perhaps you have some friends or relatives who could help her to see that she needs help?

[laybac]

If you have been reliable over the two years that you have been together, then she does have some evidence on which to build her trust in you.

I think she needs help - but unfortunately, I don't think you are going to be able to help her because you are the object of her suspicions.

If this had cropped up during her pregnancy or after the birth, then I think maybe time might see some improvement, but if she has never been able to trust you because of previous let downs by other people, then I think she needs outside help.

However, first of all she needs to recognise that it is her problem. Perhaps you have some friends or relatives who could help her to see that she needs help?
she does admit that she has a problem. she says all the time that she wont do it again, but always does it again. i agree she does need outside help and she has agreed to get some, but i dont ever see her take that 1st step to helping herself.

[coach]

Maybe you could offer to go with her to talk this through with a counsellor - after all, even though it may be her problem, it is affecting you as well.

[Howard]

Have you thought about therapy if nothing else happens? :confused:

[laybac]

Maybe you could offer to go with her to talk this through with a counsellor - after all, even though it may be her problem, it is affecting you as well.
i have actually. she needs to take that first step and ill be there along her side.

[Howard]

What do you think could happen to the baby?

[laybac]

What do you think could happen to the baby?
progress was made today. she actuially called a therapest. whoooo hoooo! i will be going along side with her for support. as for our son, things will be ok.

[coach]

Hey!... good news... and good luck... hope all goes well from here on.

[Howard]

progress was made today. she actuially called a therapest. whoooo hoooo! i will be going along side with her for support. as for our son, things will be ok.



That's great Laybac.I hope all goes well.:)

[laybac]

hey thanks howard and coach. i also hope things goes well with the 3rd party involved. i will keep updating this post. i think this is a great place for advice and just a place to talk to others for help.

[hugglepup]

Hi laybac!

You were right in that your girlfriend's jealousy stems from past hurt. The betrayal of trust in her last relationship has caused her to become suspicious and cynical now. Unfortunately, you're the victim of this but in a way, so is she. She obviously loves you very much and fears losing you but this behaviour will cause a breakdown in the relationship. Here is what I'd suggest:

-- Make a time for a serious sit down talk with her. Ensure that the time you set will allow you both sufficient time to share your feelings and that nothing will interrupt. The place you chose should allow for a peaceful, non-threatening environment. If you like, have a quiet, romantic dinner first and then have your talk.

-- Tell her that you love her and share all the things that you love about her. It's important that you do this because her self-esteem was shattered by the betrayal in the last relationship and it's important that you build up her confidence.

-- Tell her how her jealousy and lack of trust makes you feel. Don't make 'You' statements that sound accusatory e.g. 'You are the most jealous gf I've ever had' or 'You're going to break this relationship up' These will cause her to get on the defensive. Rather say 'I feel that you don't trust me and I've given you no reason for this. I'm in love with you and I'm faithful to you but the jealousy is a problem for me' (Notice how you were able to express your feelings without once pointing an accusatory finger at her?) Try to do this as much as possible so that she can see how her actions are affecting you but not feel under attack.

-- Tell her that trust is an important aspect of any relationship and you want it to be a part of yours and that you do not envisage the relationship working out if it continues in this vein. This is not a threat but she will realize that you take this seriously.

-- Make a deal with her. Get her to agree to work with you to stop this destructive behaviour. The fact that she has acknowledged that she has the problem is a great starting point. Decide during your meeting on a code word, preferably a humorous one. It can be any word but one that is meaningful to you will be good e.g. 'Popeye' (when you think about Popeye you think about spinach and spinach is green...the color of jealousy) Tell her that when she gets into one of her jealous moments, you will say the code word and she must then remember what you've decided. As soon as she hears the word, she should say aloud 'He loves me. He's faithful to me' I know that this sounds silly but it will work if you do it and eventually you won't need to do it. It's important that the moment she does this, you hold her and tell her that you love her. She needs affirmation more than anything.

The reason you choose a code word is because if you're in a public place, you can send the message without embarrassing her. If you're in a public place, she might have to respond silently or whisper in your ear.

Let me know if this works for you.

Hugglepup

PS: Try not to give her reason to be jealous e.g. commenting on how hot another women is or being flirtatious or overly friendly. If one of your friends sees a cute girl and says 'Wow, she's hot.' respond with 'My girl is hotter' If you say things like that while she's in earshot, you'll find it will go a long way towards rebuilding her shattered esteem and you'll be grateful in the long run.

[Howard]

hey thanks howard and coach. i also hope things goes well with the 3rd party involved. i will keep updating this post. i think this is a great place for advice and just a place to talk to others for help.

Who's this 3rd party?

[laybac]

Who's this 3rd party?
the therapest/counsler.

hey thanks hugglepup. i have actuially tried some of your methods, none have worked in the past. i seriously do hope this therapest will help and show her how to change for herself in a wonderful way with a relationship.

[Howard]

the therapest/counsler.

hey thanks hugglepup. i have actuially tried some of your methods, none have worked in the past. i seriously do hope this therapest will help and show her how to change for herself in a wonderful way with a relationship.


Thanks laybac,I was just curious to know.