Time apart...

[airin31]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year... We are both twenty somethings. The past year has been absolutely amazing. We havent had to work for anything yet. He's taken my to visit his parents and he has met a lot of my family. He was the first one to say I Love You and just a few weeks ago come up with the idea of moving in together.

We spend practically every day together as it is... Usually he does his stuff, video games or whatever, and I do my things, read or computer games. I thought everythign was great. Then all of the sudden he needs his space and moving in with him is not a good idea because he has a roommate (who likes the idea). Now we are on a "break" and our anniversary is this Sunday. I have no clue what I should do. I know I need to give him his space, which I have no problem doing. But if we miss our anniversary because of this then I don't know if I will ever be able to get over it. I also dont know where all of this is coming from.

Thanks for the advice.

[wickedpixie]

sounds like he just freaked himself out a little, don't worry ......

give him some space, don't bring up moving in again, let him bring it up.....

if he grows more distant I'd worry, but for now, just back off a bit.

he is thinking about the big picture right now, the reality has sunk in and he's trying to figure out if this is what he wants and if he's truly ready for it...

;)

[airin31]

Do you think this is also the reason he has been distant lately? We have been spending the same amount of time together, but our level our interaction has dwindled. He hasnt been as intimate. Thanks again!

[wickedpixie]

Don't be pushy, but don't be a doormat either...

leave it be and see if he snaps out of it....
he's thinking about the impact this decision will really make, better than him just jumping into it then saying he made a mistake later and it all blowing up....no???

be a little patient for now

[eightball61]

He seems troubled about something. Its hard to tell what that may be at this time but keep the distance like you stated you will. He needs to solve and work out what ever it is. A lot of men like to solve things on thier own and this is where communication troubles start.

I know you will be broken that you miss Sunday but just talk to him throughout the week. Eve though you both are on a break it doesn't mean that you dont have to talk. If he feels he needs to say something be there and be an ear.

You don't want to force this issue at all. Let what ever it is be worked out by him. If you both do go out on Sunday again do not push the issue about the future or else the time you spent will be unforgettable.....

[CalistaClap]

I wouldn't be overly pushy about the anniversary thing. If you are, instead of getting what you want, you may push him in the other direction, away from you.

Cuz really, what's more important, spending a certain day together, or giving the space needed to potentionally continue on in your relationship, and strengthen it at the same time.

If he is unsure about the two of you, don't make up his mind for him for the worst by insisting that he spends a certain day with you. You can always celebrate it at a later date. To me that's better than not celebrating it at all.

[Rich]

It's all BS and cop outs.

"I need a break". "It's not you, it's me." "I need some time to think".

That's all BS!

People just need to be honest and say what's on their mind. He's obviously having second thoughts about you moving in and where that will then lead to. But he can't be honest and talk to you about his feelings, so he took the easy way and copped out with the, "I need a break thing."

There's nothing wrong with pressing you bf for clarification on your relationship status. Why be in limbo? Have an open and honest talk with your bf and just ask him to be truthful. Say that you've noticed a difference in his attitude and affection lately and want him to be honest. That if he's afraid of commitment at this time or about moving in together, then you don't have to do it yet. That you care for him and that you both don't have to feel pressured or to rush into things. Don't say it threateningly or accusatorally, just as a heart to heart.

This is the problem in most relationships, the choice to hide and hope a problem goes away rather than just stepping up and dealing with it.

My personal opinion is that if you're talking about moving in with your bf AND his roommate, then that won't work. If it's you and your bf getting a place together, then that's different. That third wheel will be an issue and conflicts will arise over bills and everything else. Your relationship will suffer.

It's funny how you said that you want to move in together and that he'll do his stuff (video games, etc.) and that you'll do yours (computer, etc.). Gotta love that togetherness. LOL Be together to be apart? Moving in together should be about being close to your partner and getting to know them on a deeper level prior to getting married. Not doing your own things and not getting to know them. Unless of course you have no plans to want to marry this guy and are jsut looking to "have fun".

BTW. What's your realtionship built on? Is it based on a purely physical attraction with just having fun being together, or are you looking for a longer term commitment?

How's the openness, honesty, affection, respect, trust, appreciation, commitment, communication, intimacy, equality, attentiveness, humor, friendship, understanding, thoughtfulness and happiness between you? Those are just a few of the ingredients that go into having a great relationship and from what you wrote I think that on a number of those ingredients, your relationship is coming up short.

Have a plan of action and a set of guide posts in what type of long term relationship that you're striving to achieve for yourself. Does this relationship measure up right now? Will it measure up in the future? Be honest with yourself and the answers that you come up with. See what you actually have and not what you imagine to be. Relationships really are easy to figure out, you just need to accept what actually exist and make decisions based on that. Emotions just cloud the thought process, so lesson the emotional aspect and go from there.

Good luck,
Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[wickedpixie]

I think she should leave him be and let him come to her...I wouldn't press him for an immediate decision.....it's a huge life move.

[Rich]

If you feel that you can't approach and openly discuss issues that have caused a "break", then what type of relationship is it to begin with? Is that the type of relationship that one wants to be in?

If she can't do it now, then she will never be able to do it. Those types of relationships never work for the long term. So press. If it doesn't happen, then she saved a lot of time, sadness, grief and unkowingness. Just move on.

[wickedpixie]

If somebody pressed me like that....
I would feel disrespected and like my feelings don't count...

it's a big decision but he should be honest enough to say

"I think I may have jumped the gun, I need to think about things"

[Rich]

Exactly. You hit the nail on the head. And that's all that she needs to ask him. :-)

You see, easy.

[airin31]

I definitely appreciate everyone's advice. He had a since Sunday night to think about things... And now it is definitely time to talk. I am not going to be pushy at all. I sent him an email that basically said that this is not helping me, but making things worse. If he wants this to work then we need to talk. If not then lets move on. He knows that I am always open and understanding and like Rich said he is hiding and hoping that things will miraculously get better. And they wont, at least not in the long term.

We have talked about spending our lives together, we even got a dog together 2 months ago. He's going to my house this morning to pick him up because he misses him. Right now I am at the point where I know that I truly love him, but I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness to be with him. If he can't be man enough to face this head on and if he doesnt care about me enough to understand that he is hurting me and try to at least talk to me then he is not the guy for me, regardless of how much we love each other.

Thanks again... and keep it coming. This has helped me sooo much :p

[airin31]

His parents bought us plane tiks to go see them in 2 weeks... I have asked is he thinks we should cancel mine because Im not sure if I will be comfortable going with the way things are... He ignores it in his responses to my email. I've met his parents before and they are really great. Should I go?

Thanks :confused:

[wickedpixie]

if he doesn't answer it in emails...

ask him on the phone....
just say "what's up with visiting your parents? Are we both still going?"

that's something you need to know....

[airin31]

It def is something I need to know, and soon. I've already taken the time off so if I dont go with him I am going to visit my best friend in San Diego. =)

[Rich]

My two cents, says no to going.

IMO you two should work out things between you first. Seeing the parents might "force" certain things. You don't want anything to be forced between you two or on you.

It's probably better advised that you pass on the trip. Hopefully they can get their money refunded.

As for what you did, I agree. His reluctance is telling. People are who they are and for the most part, who they will always be. What you see is probably what you get.

That's something else that gets most relationships in trouble. People often accept things that they don't prefer or that bothers them, all with the HOPE that it will change or that they will change the other person. As they come to find out over time, the other person doesn't change and now they faced with accepting the behaviour that bothers them, or to leave the relationship.

This is why it's advised to deal with issues head on and to never assume that people will change or that you can change them.

We're here for you.

Rich

[eightball61]

His parents bought us plane tiks to go see them in 2 weeks... I have asked is he thinks we should cancel mine because Im not sure if I will be comfortable going with the way things are... He ignores it in his responses to my email. I've met his parents before and they are really great. Should I go?

Thanks :confused:


I think he is ignoring it because he still wants you in a lot of ways and wants to go. The problem is that he will have to learn to talk and communicate. If he doesn't he is pushing the relationship back.

[airin31]

I think he is ignoring it because he still wants you in a lot of ways and wants to go. The problem is that he will have to learn to talk and communicate. If he doesn't he is pushing the relationship back.

I think you are right about that. I know he wants to be with me, but the bottom line is that he needs to learn to communicate and he is pushing the relationship back. At this point we went from him saying it would be awesome to spend our lives together, grow old together, etc to him wanting this to be a see ya a couple times a week thing. I am willing to compromise on this and let things work their course, but I am not willing to completely give in to him. There has to be a happy median. If not, then I will have to move on. After where we have been there is no way I'm going back to something that resembles a college fling, or where we were 9 months ago. I've put too much into this relationship for that to happen. I may as well take my chances on meeting someone else. Am I wrong about any of this?

Thanks again

[Rich]

All life is an experience. All relationships are an experience. You learn as you go. There's no law that says that you need to stay with one person.

Take your interpersonal experiences from the various relationships that you've had over your life so far and develop a list of what you like, dislike, what you can live with and what you can't. Then go try to find a partner that meets that.

Do what's right for your heart and soul. Trust what your inner guidance is telling you. Don't we often go against our inner guidance and then after the negative outcome comes about, make the statement that we should've trusted our gut?

Normally our first instincts are the correct ones because they're natural and unprocessed. We then do the back and forth arguments in our head justifying going against our gut feeling. Guess which one is normally the right decision. You guessed it.

Do what your gut is telling you to do, Airin.

Rich

[eightball61]

Am I wrong about any of this?

Thanks again

You are not wrong about this becaue you have your own life like he has his. There is only so much time you can wait and if you wait to long then you have all these other chances you are missing out on.

[airin31]

My gut is telling me that this is the guy I should spend the rest of my life with... And for me this is a first. When I met him I had been single for a year and a half and was very happy. I didnt think I would get back into a relationship for a couple of years. We took things slow and everything just happened. It wasnt something that either of us worked for, it was natural.

After falling in love with him I realized I had never been in love before. I want this to work more then anything, there are just things that I am not willing to give up to make it work. Because I know if I do give up those things that it wont work and down the road there will be a lot more heartache then there is now. I know he loves me to, you can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. All of our friends say we are perfect for each other. I just dont understand where our togetherness, intimacy, affection, etc went in the past couple of weeks.

I have had a lot of things going wrong in my life - my mom is going through a divorce, i tore a muscle in my back, I am considering leaving my job, I just moved in to a place and found out it is being sold and I will have to move again in a 2 - 3 months. But I do my best not to burden with these things, and I think I do a pretty good job of it. But it seems like he doesnt want to be there for me, almost like he doesnt want to be bothered... this is only partly true. He did apologize for the timing of our "break" and told me to hang in there that it would do us good. But its not doing me any good not knowing what is going on. Its making things worse for me.

I told him that it wasnt helping me and was making things worse in an email this morning and that he needs to be honest with me about his feelings. Here's part of it "I miss you a lot and I dont like not knowing what you are thinking and feeling about us. If things arent going to work out then lets move on. If you really want it to work out then we need to talk about everything. I am not going to get my head straightened out like this... It is actually making things worse for me."

Thanks so much.

[airin31]

Also, every wednesday we go and play cards at a local bar. I really want to go tonight because I have a lot of fun... there are usually over 100 people there playing and I've made some friends. Should I go?

If I go I dont think I should approach him... let him come to me if he wants. What do you guys thinks?

[eightball61]

GO...Dont allow his presense there stop you from doing your normal things. Sure you may have to change some routine but dont avoid him until you are completely broken up. Go out and have fun with the other 99 people there. It could be a blast and if you dont feel comfortable about it then go home...but at least you made the attempt

[Rich]

Go and have fun. Let him see that you have a life and that you will move on. Let him also see that you're not dependant on him.

What you wrote in your email was just fine.