Need Advice.. Please

[TeenageLOVESong]

Ok. I'm new to all of this and I wanted to try it out cuz I really need some advice. Umm it's sort of a long story but if you stick thru all this story and help then I really appreciate it.

Well, all this starts about 4 years ago. I'm 18 now but when I was 14 I was molested by my neighbors older cousin who at the time was 54. I came out about it and had to go to court and went to a psychiatrist and everything.. and well the psychiatrist told me that I was fine after about 3 or 4 visits to her. But she did tell me that in the future I will most likely have problems in my relationships. She said it won't be noticeable at first but it'll start coming back to haunt you. Well here I am in a relationship.. My first relationship with my wonderful boyfriend Randy. We've been dating for a year and 4 months now. These past few weeks .. maybe month have been pretty much hell for the both of us. Ongoing fighting and breakups .. Now I love Randy dearly and he knows about Duane (the man who molested me) and he's ok with that happening in my past. But he doesn't quite understand what I'm going thru at the moment. These past few weeks I've been having these reoccuring dreams about Duane coming back and kidnapping me and stuff like that. And I'm having these dreams about me and my boyfriend being intimate together and all of a sudden Randys face turns into Duanes. I dunno why this is happening to me but it is...I'm really starting to get paranoid also, I ask a million questions to Randy like "where are you?" "What are you doing?" "Why?" "Who are you with?" .. I ask those probably 4 times a day. It's horrible and he's getting annoyed with it.. I don't blame him. But when he doesn't answer them I start thinking OMG he's hiding something.. he's probably with another girl.. Here I am thinking I'm ugly, fat, worthless, etc. These thoughts come back to me from when Duane told me that stuff.. and I'm scared Randy will leave me for someone better. I'm starting to lose my trust in a lot of guys.. I'm scared to be hurt again and I'm scared to be used again. I try to make Randy realize that when we get in fights he can't say hateful things to me cuz those things replay over and over in the back of my mind like a tape recorder. I mean, when we get in fights, they usually get pretty bad and it turns into him saying he doesn't love me and just a few days ago.. our last fight he said "I never had feelings for you after the first month, I've just been using you." things like that I can't get rid of from my mind. After he apologized and said that stuff wasn't true, it's still there and plays over and over again. Well, he doesn't know about my dreams and he doesn't know exactly why I question him all the time and everything and I really wanna talk to him about it. But he doesn't like communicating very much and just by the way he is.. I'm scared that he might take it the wrong way and think that I'm comparing him to Duane.. which really I'm not. I just need to tell him that lately when we kiss and are intimate together that it's been getting hard for me cuz of my past. The last time we had with each other I started crying and sort of pushing him off.. but I just told him I was crying cuz I was so in love with him.. and I was scared to lose him. I don't know how to bring it up to him how I've been feeling lately.. I wanna bring it up in a way that he won't think I'm comparing them. I don't want him to get mad and leave me or something. I am scared to lose him and especially over something like this. I want him to know that this is serious.. because he takes it so lightly. Just tonight he was laughing and messing around saying he had three girls over.. that shit bugs me even though I know he's just joking.. So if anyone has any advice.. please help!!!!!!!

[CalistaClap]

Well he isn't doing anything to help your situation out. In fact, my all of the mean things that he says to you, fighting or not, he seems to be heavily adding to t he fire.

I don't know many girls who wouldn't become "uneasy" when a guy says the things he's said to you.

Is he like this all of the time? Because those were cruel and nasty thing that he said to you. I wouldn't take all of the blame on this one. Yes you do have your issues too, but he also is not perfect.

If you wanted to improve your end, what about starting therapy as a permanent thing in your life? To help you overcome this on a weekly or monthly basis. Or what about couples councelling?

To be truthful, he doesn't sound like such a great catch.

[eightball61]

Not everybody has a good past but as humans all we understand is ourselves and not each other. I and many people will say try to look in the other persons shoes but to most people its hard to do. You can mention to him about everything you told us about it coming back.

My suggestion at this time though is go back to counseling. You need to be lifted again.... It came back and its now time to treat it. You need to find ways through this help to save the good relationship rather than moving away from it.

[Rich]

First and foremost, you have some issues that you need to deal with professionally. Having flashbacks and seeing the face chage while being intimate are signs of this. Go talk to someone.

Secondarily, I'm very sorry for what happend to you and I hope that Duane went to jail for a very long time and when he comes out that someone close to you beats the crap out of him.

Quick question. It's been a few years now and is Duane coming up for release from jail and that's why you're having these issues now?

It just sounds like you're going to have to have a special understanding with whoever it is that you're with, in regards to intimacy. That they will have to be aware of your history and be very supportive, understanding, compassionate and kind when it comes to the feelings that might come up between you because of what happened. It doesn't quite sound like you current boyfriend is that way and that's sad.

You're going to have to be honest with anyone that you're with that you will probably have flashbacks and issues that will come up as time goes by. You're going to have to reassure your partner that your periodic bouts of doubt, self worthlessness, coldness, separation have nothing to do with them, but what has happened in your past. Your partner is going to have to accept that and help you through those periods. Hopefully you can find someone like that and those periods in your life will dwindle over time.

As for your current bf, he needs to realize that hurtful words are like putting nails in a fence. That he can apologize and remove the nail, but that the hole still exists. In a fight, we all get upset and get defensive. That when we're being hurt, that we want to hurt back. It's human nature. It's also one of the things that both parties in a relationship need to be cognizant of AND NOT DO. That you should always try to limit your fighting because fighting doesn't help a relationship!!! That if you do fight, stay on topic, don't get personal and limit your words. The hardest thing to do sometimes is to bite your tongue when you so want to lash out, but that's what being mature and adult is all about. You always need to think before you say. Just know that your relationship is not going to end right now and that whatever you say will have to be lived with after the fight is over. That, do you REALLY want to say what you're going to say? That, SHOULD you really say, what you want to say. The answer is probably no.

Right now you bf, hasn't learned this. And I'm sure that during the fight that you're saying hurtful things as well. You both need to stop.

Bottom line is that you should get some help to get you through this low period in yor life. Get some professional guidance.

This might not help, but don't ever blame yourself and think less of yourself because of what happened. It's all on your neighbors shoulders and he'll have to deal with his actions, both in jail and before God.

Best of luck to you.

Rich

[TeenageLOVESong]

Wow thankyou guys so much. I didn't think I'd get that many replies in just one day. Umm but in reply to your question Rich ..

Quick question. It's been a few years now and is Duane coming up for release from jail and that's why you're having these issues now?

Umm.. he never went to jail unfortunantly. All he got was a slap on the hand.. He had to do community service and he had a restraning order so he couldn't be around me anymore. But Yeah, the restraining order is now off since like two months ago. He did call one of my neighbors and asked if we (me and my parents) were still mad at him. I think you're right, I mean, since that phone call he's what I think about all the time. I walk through stores paranoid of seeing him.

So yeah, I think I do need professional help.. and today my boyfriend Randy is coming over and I'm gonna somehow try to talk to him about it.

Alright, thanks again for all the support..
I appreciate it.

[Rich]

Well there you go. You might have your answer as to why this started up again. The fact that he made a call to check on you is disturbing. The fact that he got no jail time for statutory rape is also amazing. Sounds like he needs a beat down.

It's amazing what the subconscious mind can and will do at times. Stay strong. Hopefully you can move away soon and not have to deal with the looking over your shoulder and feeling unsafe feelings.

It'll be good to fill you bf in and ask for his patience on your feelings as well as to ask him to resist on saying hurtful things. But quite honestly, that comes with growing older and maturity. And then some people still can't stop doing it. Hopefully he can start to respect you better.

Rich