Please Help:::i Dont Want To Reck My Marriage

[crystalUK]

Hi everyone i am new to this site. I have been married 3 months now, i was dating him 6 moths before getting married. I was a single parent with a baby of 1.

I dont know how to explain that when we were first dating we didnt argue as much as we do now, everyday we have small arguements about things like when we have to go somewhere he doesnt get out of bed!!! When i shout at him he laughs at me and thinks its funny.

I also have issues with trust i know he would never cheat on me, however i am just so paranoid i keep ringing him after work, what time hel be home etc. I was never like that when were dating now that i love him so much (after being previously hurt from an ex_babys paternal father) im just so possessive about him, i keep thinking he doesnt love me anymore he doesnt cuddle me that much, weve been arguing about the smallest thing ever.

I hate being so paranoid, i keep ringing his work to see if he is really at work and not out somewhere. Our relationship was so loving and perfect, am I destroying it??

He also plays head games with me which he never did before, like hel say oh dont ring my work today, definitely not today......and hel pretend hes texting a girl at night and when i look what hes doing he jus starts laughing.

What shall i do, I dont want6 to destroy my marriage over petty things, but cant come round to my paranoia and the games he plays??? ANY ADVICE PLEASE?????? THANK YOU

[coach]

I think you need help with this - your husband doesn't seem to appreciate how you feel and teasing you is just likely to make things worse.

Ask him to take things seriously for a change and attend couple counselling with you:-

http://www.relate.org.uk/

[Rich]

You both need to wake up and smell the coffee. Marriage is not a joke and to be taken lightly.

Him mocking your feelings is not right and it's not what a loving, caring husband should be doing.

You on the other hand need to lighten up. Yes you are hurting your marriage by checking up on him.

Right now because you've been hurt before and now there's more to lose, sort of speak, because you're married, you're choking him to death because you don't want to lose what you have. And you are choking your marriage to death.

You need to be not so reliant on your husband to live. I would suggest not bringing another child into your marriage just yet. You need to raise your baby, but work to support yourself and your household. If you don't have a college degree, then I would suggest taking classes to get a degree.

If you have a degree, then I would recommend getting a part time job. Doing these things will help you to realize that you could make it on your own, if you needed to. Realizing this will loosen your grip around your husbands neck.

Also realize that calling him at work and iritating him is not a good thing. What if your bothering him played a role in him losing his job? How would you feel? Wouldn't that cause more stress in your marriage.

Work on your security issues. Become more self assured and self confident.

Right now I think that you view that all of your eggs are in your husbands basket and it's not easy for you. Either trust your husband or lessen the eggs in his basket.

[DrkRaven23]

While his joking at your worrying isnt funny, and it is rude. you do need to lighten up. Constantly clinging and checking up on him will make him feel jailed and not loved. While a little jealousy is flattering, too much is choking.
Take the time to talk to him about how you feel, but in a calm matter when its a relaxing time...and explain that you dont like his joking. Try to not worry so much, because if you do choke him it will have the opposite effec.t

[crystalUK]

thankyou very much for all your replies. I have told my husband today that my saister will be staying the night so he can stay at his mums or friends house.

I just want him to feel like am not choking him and we need a bit of time out. this is the right thig im doing arent i?

Rich you said to take up a degree I was studying a law degree only did one year and dropped out the second year then i met my babys father( my ex) and my husband now doesnt let me even do a course at college, however i do think it will workj ijn my benefit, i think you are right about having babies i know i could not cope with another child. having one is really stressful when your relationship isnt perfect anyway.

THANKYOU ONCE AGAIN.

[Rich]

He doesn't LET you take a college course???

Does he control you?

Sounds like a vicious cycle. You're insecure and you feel totally supported by your husband. All your eggs are in his basket and it has you scared. You keep checking on him because you're afriad to lose him and his support for your life style and child.

He on the other hand, from what you say, doesn't let you take a college course to try and better yourself. In affect, he's keeping you insecure. This could either be on purpose, or by accident.

He has to see though, that you checking up on him is your insecurity and that if he keeps you down, then he will always have this problem.

He needs to let you try to feel good about yourself and that you're a contributing partner to the household. This will make you feel good and secure in that if your marriage did not work out, then you could support yourself.

It would also help him in that you would not check on him and would trust him a bit more if you felt better about yourself.

Some guys like to control their women. Your checking up on him though is the price that he's paying for treating you like that.

Does he try to control you?

[coach]

"Hi everyone i am new to this site. I have been married 3 months now, i was dating him 6 moths before getting married. I was a single parent with a baby of 1.

I dont know how to explain that when we were first dating we didnt argue as much as we do now, everyday we have small arguements about things like when we have to go somewhere he doesnt get out of bed!!! When i shout at him he laughs at me and thinks its funny."

Lets just look at some of the above for a moment:-

Within less than a 2 year period you have got pregnant by one guy, had his baby and then been let down by him and left as a single parent, you then met another guy, whom you married after knowing him for six months, and at this point in time you have known him for 9 months.

I don't mean to sound judgemental, but I think you do need to start balancing your romantic inclinations with common sense for your own well-being and peace of mind.

It's much easier to trust people IF you know them. By "knowing them", I mean having experience of them through and within various situations which tell you something about how predictable they are.

Having a few dates with someone and falling in love, in reality, tells you very little about how well they will cope under the pressures that family life brings for most people.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you are only now getting to know this guy, and the same applies to him, i.e. he is gradually getting to know you better.

To be honest with you, I think you have gone about things completely the wrong way around, and you have covered far too much gound in too short a time. But you can't put the clock back, and I think your best hope is to get into couple counselling and see what you can both make of this relationship.

If he is a bit of a control freak, then you really need to try and sort that out. It may be that part of the pay-off for him is that you are a very needy person who was looking for someone to "depend on" which gave him a lot of power in the relationship. If that is the case, then you will need to reclaim some of your power by being less dependent on him - that will require effort from both sides.

The other issue I would advise you to check out, is whether you are suffering with Post Natal depression, or perhaps a bad dose of Post Natal Blues. So if you haven't already, I would suggest you have a chat with your doctor, and also a family welfare practitioner, if available.

It sounds to me as if you have been riding a roller-coaster over the last two years that has involved some very high times, only then to crash into some very low and stressful times - certainly not the most favourable conditions for carrying a child, giving birth, and then making a good recovery from all the demands that having a baby brings.

I realise this post may sound critical of you, but I don't mean to be. But I do think you need to take a really good look at how you got to where you are right now, and learn from it, so that you can move forward to better times.

[justanotherwife]

I dont know how to explain that when we were first dating we didnt argue as much as we do now,
Of course not- that was play- this is work.
Easy to do play- it's work to do work.
everyday we have small arguements about things like when we have to go somewhere he doesnt get out of bed!
That isn't funny- that is called rude and disrespectful.

So how old are you? how old is your husband?
Have either of you lived on your own for any length of time?
Had any real practice being an adult- or is this pretty much it?

First, you need to let up on the leash-
If he wants to be a ho dawg, as in chasing every tail but his, you can't stop him - and truth be told, you'd be better off finding out now versus later.

Second, what is this
my husband now doesnt let me even do a course at college?????

You are grown- you don't need his permission to better your life- to increase your own self worth- to give yourself a stable foundation.
Your education is your ticket to security- that say no matter what set of boots may be under my bed, myself and my child won't be going hungry, won't be homeless, won't be dependent on his good graces to keep us in a warm safe home.

Never ever allow yourself to become that dependent on anyone but yourself.
That is just being smart.

You work on becoming someone you are proud of, you take whatever educational opportunities that are there- you better yourself.

If he is a man worth having, he will support you in that decision.
Any man worth having is one who is your greatest supporter- the one saying Yes You Can-

you don't want any man less than that.

This is what you need to be asking and answering:
Answer true or false.

I enjoy being in this relationship.

I feel that I am treated with kindness.

My partner is honest with me.

My partner respects me.

I know that I can depend on my partner to be there for me when I need him.

My partner speaks to me with respect.

My partner is honest.

My partner does not physcially abuse me.

My partner does not verbally abuse me.

My partner does not emotionally abuse me.

My partner considers my thoughts, feeling and opinions just a valid as his own.

This is what you are looking for. This is what you should be working for.

[crystalUK]

thankyou for taking your time out to reply to me, much appreciated.

My husband doesnt control me but only when it comes to studying at university or college, he doesnt let me. He says there are too many lads who like to mess around with girls, i did once apply to college for a part time course and he ripped my letter up i only found out a few months later he did that.

Yes i have been on a rollacoaster with some very stressful moments, and i do feel depressed but i dont want to go on medication as i heard it makes you worse. Even though he has never given me any reason to not trust him i still cannot trust him, im trying not to call him up at work as this will risk his job. I think too much about everything i jus cant relax. On top of that my son is very hard work cvries too much and i feel like im going mental. I will be visiting my health visitor to speak about my son.

p.s are all you guys from US?
Thankyou for replying.

[coach]

Millions of people throughout the world take anti-depressant medication and find it helpful. As with so many things, you tend to hear more about the problems rather than the successes.

Depending on the type, it can take up to three weeks to have effect and during that period some people feel slightly worse or get short-term bouts of feeling slightly sick i.e. in their stomachs.

Sometimes different types of medication are tried before the best one is found. The important thing is to keep your doctor informed about how you are doing and let them know of any adverse side-affects.

If you feel worse on medication, you just stop taking it - but do so under medical supervision.

You could talk to your GP about counselling, perhaps Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for your depression, with or without medication. You might find there is a waiting list on the NHS though. So some meds for a short while may help you to get grounded again.

Your lack of trust and suspicious thoughts could be connected to your depression.

Your son might be picking up on your state of mind or the general level of tension that exists in the family - young children can be very sensitive to what is going on around them. Discussing things with your health visitor sounds a really good idea. You need some support with this, and getting some outside advice sounds a good way to start.

If the relationship remains difficult, I feel sure you would find relate very helpful. They won't tell you what you should do, they will work at helping you and your partner to resolve things between you - having a third party involved can help improve communication and often that eases things. It sounds as if your partner may be a little insecure himself, so maybe you are pushing each other in the wrong direction.

I think a chat with your Health Visitor and your GP would help you to find some direction with these issues. If you don't want to take AD meds, you just say no, I feel sure your doctor will understand.

I'm in the UK.

[Rich]

IMO, if someone needs to take drugs to help them get through life, then it's not the life that they should be living. I find it amazing how people would rather take a drug (or drink) to help them deal with their life, rather than fix their life.

I forgot how old that you said that your baby was, but sometimes new borns are colicky. It typically ends by the time that they turn one. All colicky babies do is to cry. It can be mentally draining on the parents, but it does not mean that you're crazy or that you need meds.

The bottom line is to take control of your life. If your life is screwed up, then take it by the balls and get it on the right course. There are no free rides in this life and no magic pills to take to make everything alright. If you want a better life, then you need to make it better by yourself.

Your BF/husband is an insecure person and that's why he doesn't want you going to school. He's insecure about his relationship to you and that he's the only one for you. Don't let his insecurities ruin your life and control you. Don't also hide from the world by taking drugs.

You got yourself into the situation that you're in and you can get yourself out.

Take control of your life and do for you. You have a brain, use it. Trust in yourself.

Yes, I'm from the US.

[coach]

Take advice from your Health Visitor and GP crystal - they know what they are talking about.

[justanotherwife]

Actually, I think Rich is making a good deal of sense here.
Taking a medication so you don't notice how dysfunctional your marriage is, how dysfunctional your life is - that isn't the solution.
In my mind, there isn't any difference in popping a legal script and using an illegal drug if the problem is not you, it is your relationships.

Now with that being said, here is some more reality. A good many women do suffer from post partum depression. It is a real condition. Even though your marriage situation is contributing for sure- you may truly need some help to get through this.
It is possible your baby is collicky. My last son was and it was very difficult for me to handle.
He would scream non stop in such pain from 9 at night to 2:30 a.m. - every night.
It was very hard with 4 other children to take care of.
These days though- they have wonderful drops to ease the suffering for collicky babies.Keep a journal of your child's crying times- that will help the doctor determine what exactly is happening.

It isn't your fault I promise. It isn't you being a bad mother or your child not liking you OK?
I think some babies just have a difficult time digesting the formula. Collic happens- I had 4 children with no problems then had my fith one who did.

Now - you said
My husband doesnt control me but only when it comes to studying at university or college, he doesnt let me. He says there are too many lads who like to mess around with girls, i did once apply to college for a part time course and he ripped my letter up i only found out a few months later he did that.


There are no buts here-
It is either
A - He controls me
or
B- He does not.

Now, it comes down to this-
Is your marriage fitting your ideal of a healthy happy loving relationship in which both of you are equal, supportive partners?
Is he encouraging you to reach your full potential?
By keeping you from college, I say No.

Yes there are young healthy lads eager to get into pants of young healthy attractive lasses.
BUT they only get in if the lass says yes.
AND while there may be a few there strictly to get another notch on the belt or bedpost- there are many more that are there to better themselves- to obtain the means to secure a financially stable rewarding future.
Which is why you will be there.

You can give into his control - but believe me when I say you will regret it.
It would be better to work through this- and to go for your dreams.
It just doesn't work when one person is smothering another.
Not you in calling his work- not him in holding you back.

and yes I am in the States but I have wonderful friends in the UK - and around the world.

[coach]

Take some professional advice crystal - your Health Visitor will know if your baby is suffering with colic.

Anti-depressant medication combined with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is one of the most successful treatments there is for depression.

Modern AD's are not about drugging you up at all, they just help to restore brain biochemistry in a way that helps you to get back as you were prior to your depression.

Obviously, taking such medication won't sort your life out, but it can help you to make good use of counselling. As I have said, CBT in combination IS a very successful treatment option.

Once you feel better and if your relationship is still difficult, relate are the experts and they will help you to get the best out of your relationship, or support you while you withdraw from it if things can't be improved.

They do have a standard fee but if money is short they will usually negotiate a fee with you based on what you can afford:-

http://www.relate.org.uk/

You might also find this site useful - the professional input is mainly that of relates:-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/

We have some excellent services in the UK based on need and not profit, just ask for some help and you will get these issues sorted out one by one.

In order to find appropriate solutions you need to allow someone to make a full assessment of what is going on. Internet websites are very limited in what they can offer and you are liable to end up more confused than ever.

At the end of the day, only you know what kind of solution is going to be right for you and your relationship, the point of getting professional help is that you won't get told what you should do, rather you will get the kind of help and support that enables you to decide which direction to take, which of course partly depends on whether your husband is willing to work at things. But the first step is to sort out your depression so that you feel strong enough to begin the process of working through the difficult issues.