Taking the Initiative

[inquisitive]

Hi Everyone! New here. Some background first. I currently live with my SO we've been together for over 3 years and lived together for the same amount of time. Our life is good, and often, but I know he would love it if I initiated more often. so... How do guys like a woman to initiate ? I'm kind of shy, and laid back so I'll have to build to anything "big", but what about little ways to do it? Any help is much appreciated. It would be a ver pleasant surprise for him thats for sure ;)

[Rich]

Men appreciate any initiation by their partner.

Could be something as easy like while you're watching TV together, to simply reach over, unzip his pants and go down on him. Play with him. Hopefully you enjoy doing that. Men don't like when their partners do something but they know that they're not enjoying themselves.

Then stand up on the couch, take your pants off and put your love triangle right in his face and make him pleasure you right there. Then just take it from there. Straddle, doggie..etc.

If has pretty much gotten to the dull routine of just missionary, then shake it up.

You don't have to go crazy, just say little things here and there. Like... lick me here....slide your finger in here...yeah, that feels good.

Remember, is fun, so make it like that. Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed to take control and say what makes you feel good or how you want your SO to "take you".

A nice thing to do is to let him go exploring for Mr. G spot. Let him explore and you guide him. When he finds it, encourage him. Men love to hear their partner moan and to know that they're making them feel good.

Enjoy.

Rich

[inquisitive]

Thats what I keep hearing. It doesn't take much. Just do it lol Hmm. We haven't got to the point where it's just missionary or anything. Our life is pretty good! During the week it's quick and simple, but weekends are hot :o I just know it could be better. We've been together for a while and I don't want to fall into that missionary routine trap. I'm willing to try. It may be easier once we don't have a roommate! Right now any time we get alone together is pretty much time, and then there's pressure so he always starts it. Thanks for your ideas! You seem to have a very creative mind.

[eightball61]

Rich has the good voice here.....

You have to try many things. I know you may be shy but dont think when you want to make that attempt. Just go with the flow and see what happens. It ok to take control once in a while and show him who's in charge in bed...Sure its a team work effort but its a huge turn on when one take the role.

Be casual about things and do it at the least unexpected time like during dinner, middle of the night, tv, driving, ect. Be adventerous.

[Rich]

Yeah...pressure sucks. So does having a roomate. That blows and ruins any spontaneity.

Spontaneity is a good thing and makes things exciting.

As for my creative mind. I guess I owe to it to my misspent youth and reading all those Penthouse, Playboy and Hustler magazines in my attic. LOL

I also owe it to the guy at the news stand whose view was that "if you're tall enough to reach, then you're old enough to buy." LOL I happen to be tall for fourteen. :-)

Bottom line is to just have fun and do what comes naturally. There should be alot of smiling and feeling good. Along with the moaning of course. LOL

BTW...they sell furry handcuffs too, you know. Less scraping of the wrists. :-)

Rich

[inquisitive]

I've heard of furry handcuffs. Never seen a pair though. Spontaneity is where I'm lacking and my goal is to change that within the next three months. I say three months because in two months we'll be in our own place, and then there'll be all kinds of chances for spontaniety!

[Rich]

That's awesome, Inquisitive. Good luck.

Search on line for the cuffs or go into a shop. :-)

Lot's of people lack spontaneity. What most people don't realize, is that relationships are work. We all need to constantly review our relationships and see "where we are". Constant fine tuning is what I call it. There is no, meet the perfect person, get married and live happily ever after. They call those fairy tales for a reason. LOL

There's a beauty in having a partner that's in tune with you. Having a relationship that's open and where both partners are working towards to same end goal. With that end goal in being to have an awesome relationship.

The harder part comes when you have children, you're tired and there never seems to be enough time in the day. That's when you need to work doubly harder at keeping things alive.

Good luck on your move.

Rich

[inquisitive]

Thanks! Haven't decided exactly what to do yet, but it'll be something. I want us to have fun before we have kids so it won't be so hard to do once we've got them lol. Kids could be sooner than later so the sooner the better :)

[Rich]

Go for it.

We have 8 kids......but I still find time for my chocolate covered nipples. :-)

Taste great and filling! LOL

[inquisitive]

:D lol :cool: 8 kids?? Wow! Thats a big family :) Congratulations!

[Rich]

Thanks. Life is beautiful. and busy. lol

All the best to you.

[lisa818181]

I'm kinda shy myself about the idea of going into stores and picking things out, but I found a good place to go if you find being surrounded by and s rather embarassing. Spencer's Gifts, usually found in the mall, has quite a section of racy items. I bought fuzzy cuffs there for Valentine's day last year. It's nice because they also sell Simpsons merchandise, glow-in-the dark stars, posters, and jewelry and lots of other funky non-ual stuff, so walking in there you don't feel like people might think you're a perve. I found it much less intimidating than a store, though of course they have much less selection.

[inquisitive]

I've never heard of that store, but then again I liv in Canada so maybe we don't have it? My problem this week is going to be finding a time to get to the store without him knowing where I'm going and why! Not to mention finding a store :) I have a couple in mind that may carry some stuff but it's not an all out store. The only one I know of is quite far away and I can't think of any reason I'd have to go there.

I actually don't have a problem with o, and s and the like. I'm more shy when it comes to using them lol.

I initiated this weekend though. He left the room for a sec and when he came back I was in some Lingerie that he loves ;) It's a start! Thanks for your advice.

[Rich]

You go, girl. :-)

Actually, you might be better off shopping on the web. It's done in privacy of your own home and they deliver in non-descript packages. You'll probably get free delivery and no tax too. lol

You have to watch with Spencer gifts and the like because it's more flimsy material and won't last as long. But that's a good alternative if you're not comfortable with going into a shoppe.

[inquisitive]

I've considered shopping online, but my question is what are these sites like? I only access from work and can't access anything too ual. Initially when I started looking for relationship forums I was worried even this would be too much for our IT guys but so far so good. I may not even be able to access certain sites depending on the names of them. Cosmo has ads in the back of their magazine too that you can order from.

[Rich]

You definately don't want to do that from work. No. no, no.

Everything is looked at. The firewalls will probably block you anyway.

Do it from home if you can. You won't have the fear of someone coming into your office or popping into your cube while you have something naughty on your screen.

At home...just do a search on s or toys. you'll get like a million replies and sites to check out.

[inquisitive]

Thats what I figured, not too many PG toy sites out there! Only place I access is work. So I'll have to go a different route.

[inquisitive]

I know this is an old thread but I just can't do it. Or not very often anyways. It's been getting better, but not bolder if you know what I mean. I even resorted to making myself "goals". Which were to initiate twice a week. I managed to meet them for the most part. Only times I didn't is due to unforseen circumstances (illness, work that type of thing). Now what I've been trying to do for a long time is get up the nerve to go to bed .

He's asked me millions of times to, but I can't. He asked me to at least where y pjs - which I do. So now I have to graduate to that step of :p

I don't know why it's hard for me to do. I have no problem being with him. I can be around him , just after the shower, before, during, after . But ask me to go to bed , and I just can't seem to do it!

So I am putting it in writing that tonight I am going to sleep .

[Rich]

That's a teriffic milestone.

Don't forget to send pics. lol

Truth be told, I love my wife coming to bed , but I'd much rather have her come out of the bathroom with some nice, hot lingerie on.

As Paris Hilton likes to say...."That's Hot!". lol

[eightball61]

So I am putting it in writing that tonight I am going to sleep .

This is a big step for you and it seems you are proud enough to share it. Stick to your goal for tonight and hopefully the outcome will be great for you both... ;)

Goodluck

[inquisitive]

Thanks lol. I know in my mind that me going to be can only end in good things ;)

[eightball61]

Thanks lol. I know in my mind that me going to be can only end in good things ;)



Have Fun :)

[Howard]

Thanks lol. I know in my mind that me going to be can only end in good things ;)


pregnancy
sunbathing
showering
:D

[AlexCrystal]

I always have a few drinks if I know I want to be the one to initiate. Works everytime....and is usually the best ever!! If you drink, have a few glasses of wine....and you will build up your nerve.

[Rich]

Human nature is such a diverse thing and one that no one will ever truly understand.

It's hard to fathom why someone who is married and who supposedly loves their partner with all of their heart, would be afraid to give themselves totally to their partner.

Alex, Inq.....your husbands love you. They love ALL of you! They love you for the way that you are and your body for the way that it is.

There is NO reason to be ashamed of yourself and how you look to your husband. Or how you approach wanting to be with your husband ually.

For some reason you both still have that little wall between you and your spouses. You're still defensive somewhat. Are you still afraid of totally giving in to your husbands and totally trusting them?

I say, break down that wall and totally trust them. They will not hurt you. They love you for who you are in EVERY way. There is no shame here so don't be ashamed. You'll find that giving in totally and totally letting go will only go to help your marriage and not hurt it.

If you're self conscious about your appearance and lack confidence, then have confidence in your spouse and your relationship to help bring you over the top until you gather that self confidence.

Marriage is giving totally and trusting. Tear down these little defensive walls that exist and use the bricks from the walls to help solidify your foundation. Your relationship will be better off for it. :)

Now get , baby! :D

I still stand by my thoughts that coming out in a hot nightie is more appealing than coming out in the though.

Does anyone else feel like that? :p

[eightball61]

I still stand by my thoughts that coming out in a hot nightie is more appealing than coming out in the though.

Does anyone else feel like that? :p

Hold on.................I gotta go to the bathroom(as Howard would say) :D

Rich, I do agree with your thoughts on that last post. :)

[inquisitive]

Human nature is such a diverse thing and one that no one will ever truly understand.

It's hard to fathom why someone who is married and who supposedly loves their partner with all of their heart, would be afraid to give themselves totally to their partner.

Alex, Inq.....your husbands love you. They love ALL of you! They love you for the way that you are and your body for the way that it is.

There is NO reason to be ashamed of yourself and how you look to your husband. Or how you approach wanting to be with your husband ually.

For some reason you both still have that little wall between you and your spouses. You're still defensive somewhat. Are you still afraid of totally giving in to your husbands and totally trusting them?

I say, break down that wall and totally trust them. They will not hurt you. They love you for who you are in EVERY way. There is no shame here so don't be ashamed. You'll find that giving in totally and totally letting go will only go to help your marriage and not hurt it.

If you're self conscious about your appearance and lack confidence, then have confidence in your spouse and your relationship to help bring you over the top until you gather that self confidence.

Marriage is giving totally and trusting. Tear down these little defensive walls that exist and use the bricks from the walls to help solidify your foundation. Your relationship will be better off for it. :)

Now get , baby! :D

I still stand by my thoughts that coming out in a hot nightie is more appealing than coming out in the though.

Does anyone else feel like that? :p

So, I slept last night, but no . Which I actually preferred because it was more.... I don't know. It was just nice to sleep and be with him without being involved. It was.... intimate I guess would be the word.

I really don't know what my problem is. I'm not ashamed of my body. I'm really not. I think I look good, and I work out 5 days a week. We're active on weekends.

I personally love wearing lingerie, and my SO loves it too. But I think it can get monotonous and that's probably why he wanted me to sleep .

Maybe he'll start sleeping once in a while too ;)

[eightball61]

Maybe he'll start sleeping once in a while too ;)

Good to hear you made the big step.....Don't you feel better now that you have done it once?

Now you need to suggest this to him and see what his thoughts are? He can suggest stuff to you so you can suggest stuff to him..... :)

[inquisitive]

Yea, I actually do feel better. I felt more at ease almost as soon as he got in bed.

[eightball61]

Has he ever slept before?

[inquisitive]

Yea! He use to alot, I think trying to encourage me to either sleep or initiate something with him. He doesn't do it as often now, but knowing him it shouldn't take him long to do it again lol.

[eightball61]

He doesn't do it as often now, but knowing him it shouldn't take him long to do it again lol.


I am sure that he is happy either way :p

[Rich]

I know that with me and my wife it's depends on the season. In the winter it's cold when you first get into bed and wearing sweats or pajamas help. lol

Flannel bed sheets also help.

With having young kids and knowing that they might come into the room at anytime or that you might have to get up when one of them starts crying, well it's just easier to not be .

The thing is to just take it all as it comes. When the opportunity arises, then go for it. It should be both ways though and no big deal.

Although to me, I like sleeping when I can. No pajama or sweat pant legs sliding up and becoming uncomfortable. Or if I wake up in the middle of the night and start up with my wife, there are no pants that I need to stop what I'm doing to take off.

As Kramer would say, "I'm feeling free Jerry AND LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT!" :D

[inquisitive]

Well for me sleeping really does just make sense. I'm always hot. My SO says I always feel like I'm burning hot. He can't always touch me when we're sleeping because of it. Winter or summer it's still the same lol.

Another oddity of mine. Even though he says I feel like I'm burning up, I always need at least two covers, and we're talking two comforters to sleep. Plus I fold the two comforters in half and it's more like 4 layers. Even in the summer. We'll put fans on blowing at the bed, and I'll still sleep with my comforters :rolleyes:

[Rich]

You're hot blooded and like to be warm.

I'm the same way. My wife says that my body is hot and she can't fall asleep on me. But I'm like you in that I like having covers on me and being warm. Even in the summer.

That's why all people are different and we can't always look into things and take it personal when people act like they do. Like rolling over and falling asleep away from you. It's just more comfortable, that's all. Nothing to be alarmed about that they don't love you. And I say you...but I mean in general.

Inq. .....I bet that you have a lot of ual minx inside of you that's dying to get out and just have some fun. Don't fight it and just have fun with it. Great between a married couple is a lot of fun.

[inquisitive]

Yes, I'm definitely hot blooded! I'm becoming more open and forward. It'll get there. We've got plenty of time lol. Plus getting there is fun too :)

[Howard]

Being has it's advantages.We came into this world ,we bathe ,sleep (sometimes),have & streak .

So,you see,being has it's importance in life. :D

[Rich]

This is true, Inq.

Have you guys ducked into a closet for a quickie yet at some function, like a weddding or anniversary party? :D

Lot's o fun.

[inquisitive]

No, not yet. Almost, (in a public place, but not a function) but we don't go to functions, or at least haven't had any to go to yet. It would be fun though :)

[Rich]

Yeah, it is fun. :D

[Howard]

Inquisitive,try being at home.that's why having was meant for the home.It's quiet,peaceful and you could do whatever your heart desires.

I know for myself that I'd rather play with Robin at either her/my house cause you have more privacy and it's not done in the wide open.

[inquisitive]

Having isn't the problem lol. We have alot, but it's about me being more forward, and taking the initiative, not only in initiating , but in what i would like to do.

[Rich]

Help break your mental roadblock Inq. What's one of your fantasies that you always wanted to initiate or try?

Talk about it here as a first step to have yourself say it. Then maybe it might be easier to move forward at home.

[inquisitive]

OK...

Well I guess you could say I like it rough. It turns me on more. Say when he puts his hands on my neck, or kind of holds me down. I don't want to get too specific, but I guess almost like he's forcing me too, but not really since we're having already. Know what I mean?

I'd love to be tied up, but I don't want to tell him to do it cause... I don't know seems to take away from it I guess.

I may think of more to add in the future.

[Rich]

Cool.

If you want to get tied up but he doesn't have an inkling of that, then you're gonna have to drop some hints. Or just come out and tell him that you want him to tie you up.

I understand what you mean with the roughness part but not like a rape thing. Quite a number of women like that.

My wife likes that a bit as well and I have nothing against wrapping my hand in her hair sort of forcing her.

Try in the heat of passion to tell your hubby what to do. Tell him to smack you ass or hold you down. He'll pick up on what to do.

[Howard]

But why masochistic ? :confused:

[Rich]

Howard, once you get past the first door of actually having , you'll see so many other doors behind it.

Different things turn people on. Missionary gets boring after awhile.

I would say not to judge until after you have tried a few things. Then you keep what you like and discard what you don't like.

Different strokes for different folks.

[inquisitive]

Yea, it's been a while since we had the rough type. Not too long mind you. I guess there's no way around talking about it :rolleyes: cause when he has done it in the past I think he didn't want to go too far, and he could've gone farther than he did and I would have been totally comfortable with it. I'm going to try and think of some ways to drop some subtle hints. Or maybe write a letter. I'm way better at expressing myself in writing.

[Rich]

Most often times the best way to broach things is in the heat of passion. Often times you can get away with saying things that you wouldn't ordinarily say.

Just tell him to do it harder, or to hold you tighter, or.....whatever it is that you want. Sometimes you gotta be bold. :-)

If you want it harder or more intense, then moan it to him. Or beg him. Guys like that.

[inquisitive]

In the heat of passion probably would be easier. I'll give it a try for sure.

[Rich]

Good ruck. :D

[Howard]

Howard, once you get past the first door of actually having , you'll see so many other doors behind it.

Different things turn people on. Missionary gets boring after awhile.

I would say not to judge until after you have tried a few things. Then you keep what you like and discard what you don't like.

Different strokes for different folks.

Rich,Inquisitive can also try role playing once in a while and have it rough at the same time.She can be a nurse,cop,firewoman,teacher or just about anything her heart desires.The sky's the limit.

[inquisitive]

You're right the sky is the limit lol. However roleplaying just isn't me!

[Howard]

Inquisitive,you can role play as somebody who's masochistic such as a dominatrix,cop OR teacher.That way,you can have fun with him.Let me know what you 2 decide. :)

[inquisitive]

Well I've been working on being more forward with him, and with what I want, and it must be working to a small extent. He mentioned to me this weekend after a particularly pleasurable session that he's noticed lately how dirty I like it. Which I must add he likes too :)

[eightball61]

He mentioned to me this weekend after a particularly pleasurable session that he's noticed lately how dirty I like it. Which I must add he likes too :)

Its always a good thing when you and your partner are able to talk about your uality openly. You both seem to have a strong relationship going on at this point and I do hope it continues in this positive direction. Goodluck to you and him :)

[Howard]

I can say for myself that after 9 months with Robin,We're able to express ourselves ually,something that I've never done before with any girl in my life.Robin and I are both virgins but she never had a ual side and I've always had and I want to be able to express my fantasies with her openly like one of them are ice cubes on her breasts and tickling her passionately. :D

[Howard]

Well I've been working on being more forward with him, and with what I want, and it must be working to a small extent. He mentioned to me this weekend after a particularly pleasurable session that he's noticed lately how dirty I like it. Which I must add he likes too :)


Inquisitive,If I may ask,How dirty is your ? :D

[SALly]

Well I've been working on being more forward with him, and with what I want, and it must be working to a small extent. He mentioned to me this weekend after a particularly pleasurable session that he's noticed lately how dirty I like it. Which I must add he likes too :)
Well that's a major major problem in my relationship. I like it dirty....lots of different things, etc. But him and i have never done it that way. We don't talk about it at all. I don't know how I am supposed to all of a sudden bring up all these things that I like and want to do, etc.

[Rich]

Sally-

Go out and get a o and then tell your husband that you rented a movie for you two to watch. Don't let on that it's a o.

Then make plans to watch it in bed. Start the movie and let nature take its course. Get a movie that has to do with what you like or want to try. Then while the movie is playing make comments like, " that's looks like fun", or "I'd like to try that". Then go for it.

If that doesn't work, then it sounds like you're just going to have to have one of those adult, honest talks with your husband.

Just say that you've been thinking about your life and that maybe it's not what it could be. Explain that it's no one's fault, but that maybe you both fell into a routine and then you both were afraid to say anything for fear of upsetting the other.

Just say that if it's agreeable to you both, that you'd like to go back to the beginning as if you were just with each other. That you want to, this time, just be open and honest with each other and what pleases the other and working to make your life hot again. Ask him what some of his fantasies are. Tell him some of yours.

Or if all else fails, after the movie has been playing a bit, grab his and tell him what you want him to do to you. Tell him to tie you up if that's what you want. Go get a or and tell him to you with it. Get some anal beads and tell him to tease you with them. Now's the chance to go for broke. If you want him to do something that involves a prop (whips, chains, handcuffs, ice cubes, etc.), then make sure that you have it handy in your bedroom somewhere.

Sounds like it can't get any worse for you, so really, what do you have to lose? Go for broke. Be totally honest about what you like and want.

See what happens.

Good luck

[SALly]

I don't know.... I guess I have a mental block.... I can't get over the fact that I would rather do these things with others, not HIM. I'm still trying to figure out whether I even want to try with him or just give up and move on. Thanks though, those are good ideas.

[Rich]

I hear ya. Sometimes there's just a lot of disgust, hatred or disatisfaction that builds up over time that is hard to overcome. When that want to be with, or that spark of interest in the other person is gone, it's hard to get back. Most often it doesn't come back, unfortunately.

You can always have him tie you up and put a blindfold on you. That way you won't have to look at him. LOL You can then just get the sensual pleasure.

This all ties into previous posts though concerning your situation. You need to decide what you want out of life and how you want to live your life. What's tolerable and for how long will it be tolerable?

Waiting for your kids to get older before leaving your husband is wasting a lot of years of possible pleasure and love that you'll never get back.

Different choices for different folks.

Life is fun, isn't it? :D

[SALly]

Yeah- life's just freakin great!!! :p

[inquisitive]

I don't know.... I guess I have a mental block.... I can't get over the fact that I would rather do these things with others, not HIM. I'm still trying to figure out whether I even want to try with him or just give up and move on. Thanks though, those are good ideas.
Maybe that's just because you can't see him in that role? With my SO I know that he likes that role, and it was up to me to let him know that I was now OK with it. I didn't have to come out and say it (luckily lol) but just in the heat of the moment letting him know that what he was doing was ok, and could go farther.

[Rich]

Sally-

I still stand by my prediction that we're all driven to love and be loved. And that that feeling will eventually win over your thoughts. That you'll change your mindset as to what you're doing right now. :D

Do I sense you weakening? :)

All the best!

[SALly]

Maybe. I know you are right!

[Rich]

My advice is that since you're taking your time about things, that you plan wisely.

Think ahead and make plans to make as soft a landing as possible when things crash.

Check your job potential.

Your educational level.

Where you'd live.

Maybe speak with a lawyer (no one has to know about that). There are free consultations.

Just get plan. Get answers. Prepare.

Good luck