is it time to call it a day?

[b00bah]

Hey, i think i posted here a long long time ago for a previous relationship,well im back with a new one.

Basically ive been seeing a girl for about 11 months, we were close friends for about 2 years before we got together and always liked each other, but we were both in other relationships. Mine ended around a year before we got together and she actually left her boyfriend and got with me the week after.

We'v had a few ups and downs like all couples do, she went travelling for a while, we both cheated, she went travelling some more and now shes moved away. Shes only moved a couple of hours away so its not really 'long distance', but its felt like it recently.

We get on really well and i think because of the time wev spent apart and things wev both had to deal with we still have alot of excitment in the relationship when we meet up.

Recently though shes been less enthusiastic when we arnt together and shes been going out alot to try and make new friends...this is where some of the stress comes in. Neither of us has alot of money and beleive it or not its rather expensive travelling on the train, so both of us have issues spending money we dont have, to see each other. This causes alot of arguments as i feel shes been spending alot of money on going out, money which she could have spent comming to visit me. Is this selfish of me?

I spent last weekend with her and had an amazing time as i normally do with her, so we decided to see each other this weekend aswell.It got to mid week and she was less enthusiastic about comming to see me, so on thursday night i asked her if she still wanted to come and she said "its up to you". Of course i wanted her to come, so we arranged to meet on friday. Later in the conversation though we fell out over a new friend she'd made, i let my insecurity get the better of me and started asking questions about him, she got upset, we fell out and i said i didnt want her to come up this weekend. We ended up making up on friday morning and re-arranging to meet on friday evening.

Friday evening came and she told me that she was going to a party so she couldnt come, but she would visit me the next day instead. Needless to say i was abit annoyed by this as we'd already made plans to meet and then she'd cancelled them last minute, when i grilled her about it she said "well the plans wern't set in stone". Again we fell out and havent really made up yet.

Also on friday during the argument she told me about a party shes going to on the 17th. Im giving a presentation on the 17th for a multimedia festival, she was invited and has known about it for several weeks, her excuse was that she wouldnt get to spend any time with me because id be too busy and that she'd come up on the 18th anyway. On the 18th im having a bonfire to which most of my family is attending, id invited my s/o weeks ago so she could come and get to know some of my relatives. But after the argument we had she text me and said shes just been invited to a party on the 18th and wont be able to make it ot the bonfire. (all these partys are with the same group of people btw)

So, i hope you can imagen how i feel today...pissed off. This is why im wondering,as much as i love her whether to cut my losses and end it before i get too hurt. Thats probably a cowardly thing to do, but my last 2 relationships ended in my partners leaving me for someone else, warning bells are sounding in my head and my gut feeling is telling me that something is wrong.

I dont know, maybe im just over reacting because im angry. I dont want it to end, but like i said ive been messed around in the past and i can only forsee things getting worse. ATM it doesnt feel worth it as i feel like im being messed around, i shouldnt have to feel down and neglected.

I think i need time to clear my head, im probably over reacting, but its been good to get it off my chest.

Any comments welcome, sorry for the length of this.

[eightball61]

1st, it isn't your fault when a parnter leave you for someone else. Yes, it doesn't make you feel good about yourself and makes you question a lot of things but still isn't your fault.

2nd, maturity needs to come into play here. You like this girl a lot but does she feel the same about you? You both have a history and a bad start to this relationship with the cheating. Now that "you" moved past that; has she???

You really don't know nor don't want to know. What you need to do is see how much this relationship is really worth to you. Do you want headaches or happiness?

I think what needs to happen here is you need to tell her how you feel and which direction you want the relationship to go. Then you need to hear her side. IF she agrees then fine you now need to discuss how her going to a party over seeing you makes you feel. It's ok for her to have fun but when she makes a commitment to you then breaks it up for a party that is wrong.

[b00bah]

Thanks for the reply!

I know its not really my fault that my previous 2 partners have left me for other people, just makes me think that i must keep making the same mistakes.

About an hour ago she called me, i told her i was pee'd off about her cancelling on me and about cancelling on me for a party. I ended up saying that i wasnt sure if i wanted to be with her becuase of how upset,angry and frustrated ive felt recently. She got really upset and said that she wanted me more than anything and that her actions recently had been orientated on having fun with her new house mates, and trying to make friends. Her excuse for going to a party instead of the bonfire was that she'd forgotten i was having one. I didnt buy it but i know shes sorry.

I cant beleive i told her i wasnt sure whether i wanted to be with her or not, shes the best thing thats ever happened to me. I regretted it after i said it. Anyhow she told me how important i am to her and said that i should have some time to think about what i want and then call her in a few days.

I really hope things can be good again.

[eightball61]

i told her i was pee'd off about her cancelling on me and about cancelling on me for a party.


This is what I'm trying to guide you not to do.....You're telling her how you feel but being demanding at the same time. You need to explain with your emotions/feelings on how this makes you feel. If you just tell her how it is then it won't get you anywhere as you now see.

Let things cool off a bit then call her with an apology on how you acted. Let things go for this weekend and maybe reschedule a coffee date for you two so you both can go over everything in a meaningful manner verse a hurtful manner.

Do you see what I am trying to point out to you?

[marisa616]

i don't agree with eightball. she needed to hear that you were pissed at her. and she needed to hear that you didn't know if you wanted to be with her. for some people, they needs things spelled out in black and white and your g/f sounds like one of those people. i do agree with eightball in that you should let things go for the weekend. let her come to you. let her miss you. maybe then she will realize that some things are more important than partying and making new friends. obviously if she's going out to all these parties, she already has some friends. she should try to keep her b/f.

[b00bah]

Hey, thanks for the reply guys.

I was going to leave it for the weekend like you suggested but she contacted me today. We had a nice chat and she told me that she was abit unhappy with how things were. Mainly because i have abit of a jelious streak and she felt that she couldnt tell me things because i would get upset. Which is fair enough because i do get slightly jelious when it comes to other guys, i dont have alot of self confidence and i guess things that have happened in the past lead me to think negitively.

She told me that she spent the night with one of her new male friends on friday night. It sounds really dodgy and i was abit shocked at first, but she explained that she isnt interested in him and that he had come up to her room to use the internet and they ended up talking until 7am. She made it clear that there was no hugging or anything, that they were both fully clothed and that they just fell asleep.

I felt better after hearing this but is this something that i should let happen in the future if we can repair our relationship? I cant say that im happy with it but im trying to be as mature as i can atm, the relationship feels like its on a knife edge. She also said that shes feels like a spoilt brat because she wants everything her way and wants to get things when she wants, i dont know if she was saying this is relation to spending the night with that guy but i replied by saying "im ok with what happened because you told me there was nothing to it, but in the future could you try to avoid those situations just out of respect for me" All she said to that was thankyou...im not sure why, its not that easy to talk atm so i dont like asking questions about everything.

Another thing she said in relation to friday night was that certain things and morals she has are different to what i beleive in, basically meaning that she didnt think anything of that guy sleeping on her bed where as i do.

Other than that we had a nice conversation, she wants us to try and make it work, im meeting up with her in about a week and going to a party with her. We did this role play thing aswell where she pretended i wasnt her boyfriend and i was a different guy she was interested in, was fun, just the the early days. I really hope this can work.

yeh, so what does everyone think about the guy sleeping over situation? should i just deal with this when ever it happens and let it go? or be more confident in saying that i dont want it to happen? she honestly doesnt see anything wrong with it.

[marisa616]

she honestly is playing with your head! she sees how much you care about her and how much you want to make it work and she is using it. she shouldn't rag on you for being jealous. she obviously does things that warrant the jealousy. don't down on yourself so much! and her having that guy sleep over is so not cool. my b/f would go nuts if i ever did that, and rightly so! and she was right in calling herself a spoiled brat. she thinks she can go party and do whatever while you sit at home worrying about losing her. if i knew this girl, i'd probably smack her for treating you like this. at any rate, maybe going to the party with her will give you some insight on how she acts without you there. she won't act completely the same but you might get an idea.

[b00bah]

I dont think shes playing with my head...its just her morals are looser than mine.

My jeliously has been a big problem throughout the relationship, its caused alot of arguments and made her stear clear of certain people just to please me, im suprised she put up with it for so long. But now all this has happened its made me open my eyes to it and see what ive been doing to her.

I knew what she was like before i started going out with her, shes very social but finds it hard to make female friends. Shes outgoing and quite flirty, i dont want to change her, if i had a problem with what she was like i might have not gone out with her.

I beleive her when she said she didnt mean for it to happen, but it did and it meant nothing. I can live with that, she doesnt see anything wrong with it at all, that along with how delicate our relationship is atm makes it hard to discus.

I think next time she contacts me i might say that it was disrespectful for her to do what she did, not that im jelious about it or dont trust her, it was just disrespectful.

As for her going to partys without me, i think its just the fact that she needs some space from me, which we are having now.

[marisa616]

if you guys don't live together and only see eachother on weekends, how much more space does she need? maybe she's not playing head games with you. and i can get being flirty and social. i used to be very social and flirty... now i guess only flirty. but harmless flirting is always ok. maybe i just don't know how jealous you are. i think a bit of jealousy is good. it shows that you care. just don't get too crazy with it. my ex lives a few hundred miles away but my b/f still didn't want me to talk to him anymore because of how close we used to be. i got that and stopped. if she knew how happy it would make you i don't think she should mind stearing clear of certain people (depending on how many people we're talking about). i suppose if your "jealousy" bothers her sooo much, it would be a good idea to use diff words like you mentioned. i think everybody does a certain amount of settling down when they're in a committed relationship and it just doesn't seem to me like she has at all or is even willing to.

[b00bah]

Well i have to say, i do get more than abit jelious, i dont think its always the fact that i am jelious, its that its constant, i can always find something to be jelious about. Ive been more jelious recently as she moved house about a month ago, before that we used to spend alot of time together. Not every day as i go to university most days and she worked, so we'd still see each other when we were both free. We both had time to see our own friends and do our own thing, it was very balanced....i guess thinking about it thats what has caused all the problems, the balance has been upset.

She used to live with her sister for about 6 years before she moved house, now she lives about 2 hours away with an old friend. I feel like i dont see her that much in comparision to how much i used to, and as its a pain to travel to her i feel abit distant. This and her going out and making new friends, male friends, just gets to me and ive fallen out with her multiple times because i felt like i was being neglected or that she might be falling for someone else. Its silly for me to think like this, i always realise after wards that ive been an idiot, but at the time its hard to see past my jeliously.

I cant say that i wasnt jelious before she moved though, but not the the extent ive been recently. For example, her ex boyfriend, my ex-friend, she was with him for about a year and a half, he really gets to me. I think he knows i get jelious and acts on it, everytime i see him with her he turns on the charm and gets her giggling and laughing, i cant say they dont have a connection because they do, i know she doesnt want him though. But i cant help feeling down and upset when she spends time with him.

Also theres a guy she cheated on me with, i get really pissed off just thinking about him, i banned her from talking to him,which i think is understandable.

We have had issues in the past with settling down, we are uncertain about the future, she is very career driven and loves to travel, im restricted from travelling because of uni, for the time being. Shes said to me in the past that she doesnt want to get to a point where she has to choose between her career and her man. I beleive we can find a balance though.

[marisa616]

yea, i can understand all that. i work and go to college and it makes me super busy. i live with my b/f and i am contastantly thinking he's messing around with other girls and am jealous too, but he deals with it. he knows i love him and that is why i get jealous. it bothers him that i make the accusations because we both know he wouldn't do that to me, but he understands my self-esteem issues and knows being away from him so much makes things worse. i guess my point is i think your g/f should try to be a little more understanding, especially since she has cheated on you before. instead of getting mad at you for being jealous, she should try to help you work out that issue. and she should stop doing things that trigger that jealousy. cheating really ruins trust and she should see that and maybe cut back on all the flirting and guy friends until she sees you can fully trust her again. you may think you do, but somewhere deep down, that is probably the root of your jealousy.

[b00bah]

Well what i was trying to say was that ive caused so much stress through being jelious that its gotten to the stage where she cant be understanding.

...i duno what to do, trying to take in your opinions/advice but i know how narrow minded and stubborn i can be, i dont want to admit that it 'might' not work. Shes always said that if things turned bad that she'd want me to fight for her, and i will.

Thanks for your comments :)