How should I handle this situation?

[Toodie81]

My parents will be visiting us from the opposite coast this Thanksgiving this weekend. We have made plans and everything for that weekend a month ago already. However, last week, his mom called and wanted him to spend Thanksgiving with her instead (in another city 6 hours driving time away). His mom currently lives with his sister. She does has a valid point that this is the first Thanksgiving after his dad died and she wants all her kids there, so now he's bailing out on our plans. My first reaction is furious, because this is not the first time he ever cancel out on our plans when his mom called and want him to visit her instead, but at the same time I can understand his situation with his dad just passed away just a year ago. I felt in a way hurt because I felt like I'm always a second option and I felt that he doesn't respect our relationship enough, although I do want to be understandable. What should I do in this situation?

[marisa616]

it does become difficult when your guy is so close with his mom. have you tried seeing if his mom and sister would come to you for thanksgiving? maybe he could go pick them up a day or two in advance and bring them back. there are some guys who will put you second to their mothers, but it doesn't mean that they love you any less. just try to compromise. maybe he can go there for turkey day but he has to stay with you for x-mas.

[Toodie81]

No, I haven't try that, the reason being that his mom and I don't get along in the first place. I'm not the race or the religion that she wants her son to be dating. That's her opinion and I respect that, so I just let him visit her every other weekend by himself. However, I just want him to stay back and spend Thanksgiving with me since my parents will be visiting, that's their once a year trip to me cause they will be going to my brother's for Christmas this year. I understand his situation I do, but I can't help feeling hurt when he keep on bailing out on me like that.

[marisa616]

ahh... i think this changes things a bit. my parents also have issues with my b/f's race. bringing them around him is never an option. then again they've disowned me, so it would never even come up. seems to me your situation isn't as bad. do you think maybe for the sake of the holiday's she would be able to suck it up? try having your b/f talk to her and see if you could work it out. and you have every right to feel hurt. i hate it when my b/f picks his family over me in situations like that, but he and i have had some very difficult conversations about it and are trying to work it out. turkey day is at my house this year because i went to his last year. i understand his dad just died and she wants her kids around, but isn't christmas maybe more important than thanksgiving in a situation like that? bring that up to him (in a nice way because it may start a fight) and see if you can work something out.

[Toodie81]

Our Thanksgiving went just fine now. I let him drove up to see his mom on Wednesday and spend Thursday up there with her. However, he had to drive back Friday morning and spend the remaining of the weekend with me and my parents. The whole weekend went just fine. Thanks for the advice and just to listen. I really needed that.

[Rich]

Just my two cents. I don't know your status (engaged, just dating), but on some level he should not have gone. I can see him going if you're just dating, but if your married or engaged, then he should not have gone and here's my reason.

Plans aren't just made the week before Thanksgiving. His mom should have requested this sooner. It would have been ok for him to say to his mom that it's late in the game and that he already committed to other plans and you.

After all, he won't be marrying his mother. People can't expect other people to drop their plans when they want to change the game a week before an event.

He should have said no and stayed with the original plans.

[marisa616]

rich, under normal circumstances you might be right, but (at least through my experience) things get tricky when race and religion is involved. if i had plans with my b/f for thasnksgiving and my mom called me a week before like his mom did, i probably would have gone too. when your family has issues with your significant other because of such petty reasons, they make it VERY difficult for you to side with that person over them. they say they are your family and they should come first. sometimes it's hard to deal with that, and he might have been hoping she was caring enough to realize what a tricky position his family puts him in for being with her. my b/f gets upset with me, but knows how difficult my family makes things for me and he tries to understand. he may not be marrying his mom (and i know i'm not marrying mine, haha), but everybody knows how moms can be sometimes, especially when they think their children are picking other people over them. now, if you have advice on how to deal with that, please share. let me tell you, that is a tough situation to be in!