Separating with Wife - Not sure what to do..

[BlueSea]

Hello forum, I am separating with my wife of 9 years very soon, a few things went wrong in the past, and I found out she was seeing someone else. Maybe for comfort, maybe for something else I dont know.

She wants to have space, so she's moving out to a rental place while still helping me paying mortgage for our house. The situation has been lingering on for ahwile now. There is one thing I am concerned about, it has been brought up sometimes and will need to be discussed (Do you agree?), while we are separated, is it okay for her to have with others? I think no, but what do you think? Should I even tell her about this that no I don't want my wife to have with anyone she wants, will it affect the way she thinks and feels towards us again?

I've been trying to talk with her so many times but she doesn't want to talk and I feel very distant though we live under the same roof. She wants to get out ASAP with reason of "Need to find myself" and "This might not be what I want, the relationship". What should I do? I am confused, heartaches, sad, desparate, feel like I am being used, and more.

All advises and experience are totally appreciated right now, this is when I need you most... please help..

[joemichaels1982]

Hello forum, I am separating with my wife of 9 years very soon, a few things went wrong in the past, and I found out she was seeing someone else. Maybe for comfort, maybe for something else I dont know.

She wants to have space, so she's moving out to a rental place while still helping me paying mortgage for our house. The situation has been lingering on for ahwile now. There is one thing I am concerned about, it has been brought up sometimes and will need to be discussed (Do you agree?), while we are separated, is it okay for her to have with others? I think no, but what do you think? Should I even tell her about this that no I don't want my wife to have with anyone she wants, will it affect the way she thinks and feels towards us again?

I've been trying to talk with her so many times but she doesn't want to talk and I feel very distant though we live under the same roof. She wants to get out ASAP with reason of "Need to find myself" and "This might not be what I want, the relationship". What should I do? I am confused, heartaches, sad, desparate, feel like I am being used, and more.

All advises and experience are totally appreciated right now, this is when I need you most... please help..
I'm sorry to hear about your wife man,
One thing I know on the subject is NO it is NOT!!! ok to sleep with other people while separated especially if now completely broken up completely. I know it must be hard to let go of someone you have been with for 9 years but everything happens for a reason and you'll be fine. I can't even imagine a thought of my girlfriend sleeping with some other guy a thought alone would drive me crazy but then you really got to think about. You deserve better then that we all do and I strongly believe you'll grieve for a little while get over it and jump right back into the world of many many opportunities. Don't sweat it man it always gets worse before it gets better and you'll be good just takes a little while but life goes on and you WILL find somebody that's going to appreciate and value your love and friendship more then your wife and probably find yourself being allot happier.

[Rich]

You can't control or dictate to your wife what she can and cannot do. Just like she can't dictate to you.

If she's moving out and it's going towards helping you two to repair and salvage your marriage, then she shouldn't be looking to screw around and nothing needs to be said.

But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. It sounds like she's moving out as the first step towards divorce. If that's the case then no matter what you tell or ask her to not do, she's going to do anyway. So what's the point?

If you're wife screwed around on you after making a promise and wedding vow to you and in the eyes of God, then what makes you think that she'll honor some promise to you now, to not cheat? Even if she did make such a promise now.

The excuses that your wife are giving to you to move out are bullshit. She's already found herself and knows what she wants. Unfortunately those plans don't include you.

It sounds like a lot of water has passed under your bridge and the time, will power and want to try and fix what went wrong over the past nine years has left your wife.

Make a mental note to yourself that in your next relationship that you won't put your relationship on cruise control and be oblivious to what's going on around you. Take a proactive approach to make sure that your partner knows that they are loved and appreciated. Also take a proactive approach to nip all little problems in the butt. Don't stick your head in the sand and hope that things go away or work themselves out. Always communicate and talk problems out.

Getting divorced sucks. Been there and done that. Hopefully you two can approach it like adults and that it doesn't get nasty.

Good luck.

[BlueSea]

Thanks Rich, "repair" the relationship is what I want to do. Rich, I don't understand why she's dragging this on? If she found herself and want to end it all why does she still say things that gives me hope?

She left on Sunday night to live at her friend's place but then she came back on Monday night because traffic noise and mosquitoes problems there. On Sunday night I thought about this that she might walk back in because of that and I will have to see her walk out again soon which she's looking at. I expect her to come clean totally if she's going to come back into my life, else it would be hard to start over if she still going to lie about what she did.

Last time we talked about this after separating (living apart), I stupidly and I regret, that I said if she's going to do it anyway, I can't stop her. She then told her friend that "He wants to know if we can have with others" as if I asked because I want to do it. Now I am worried that she might be doing it because what I said, should I take it back and ask her to not do it?

Keep me companied guys, I feel so lonely.

[nemo]

wow, separated? i'm not sure if i'm just to young to actually know what goes on when a married couple is separated, but if i'm right does it mean that your physically separated including marital problems? anyway, i'll assume so. if you two are separated and not on track (together) to put effort in working out the marriage then i don't think it really is worth it. i can't imagine what letting go of 9 years of bond and commitment to one another is, but from what you said, it doesn't really seem like shse cares. she came back b/c she wasn't comfortable at her friends house, not b/c of you. and maybe instead of asking "if" she should be having with others, you should ask "why".

[topshelf79]

i'm not sure if i'm just to young to actually know what goes on when a married couple is separated, but if i'm right does it mean that your physically separated including marital problems?
Means they aren't legally divorced but reached a point where they can't acted as husband and wife.

In response to Bluesea, I say this is your chance to find someone else if that's what you want. Your wife saw someone but has she cheated? I think it should be eye for eye. If she saw someone you get to see someone. If she slept with that guy you should get to sleep with another woman. But I wouldn't go as far as that until there are hard facts.

[SALly]

I agree with Rich. These are her first steps toward divorce. She is still saying some things that you take as 'hope' because she doesn't want to hurt you as much. At least not all at once..... She may not want to be married to you anymore, but that doesn't mean she's a cold-hearted witch and wants to hurt you either. Life can suck at times. As far as goes, that's probably the whole point of her wanting to move out--don't ya think???!!! You've got to realistic... your life and marriage as you know it is over. Change is in the air.

[BlueSea]

So, many of you think that her wanting to live separately is not genuinely for space and time? It's been more than a month since it first all came down, and I feel it would have given enough time for her to consider everything but according to her its not enough until we don't live together.

See if you think this is a good plan.. I feel she's dragging me around, push me around, and being in control by threatening me that she will walk out or go live somewhere else every time I try to have a talk like adults to sort things out and to communicate.

She want to move out and I wanted to support her by offering to pay her rent but she said no, I am preparing spare room so either her or me can sleep in there and she said no. Now I am thinking of moving out myself because I don't want her to push me around and drag me around not knowing where we're heading, but I can't afford the rent for long because we have home loan to pay. I want to move out for a month or two and hopefully she can make up her mind either to try again or not. Or just to let her have enough time to consider and let me know what is it that she really has in mind, it's tiring getting a glimpse of hope and not knowing if its fake or real.

[SALly]

Time and space to do what??? I never really understand why people say that. Either she wants to be married to you still, or she doesn't. Why should you sit around waiting and hoping while she is out with other guys trying to decide if she wants to still be with you or not???? If she isn't willing to be honest and have conversations with you to explain herself, then I'm afraid she's just on her way out. Letting you down easy. I guess maybe I would understand it more if there were certain specific things she was searching for and hoping to accomplish with this. I say you try to just pin her down (not literally) and ask for more information. Ask her if you should still have hope, or if this is the beginning of the end. Ask her to please be honest and that you just want answers.