Jealousy From Within

[CuriousYouth21]

Hey everybody got a question most of you I know have run into and I'm still having a difficult time with. Ok let me be clear about one thing guys. I love my Fiance very much , but I know her personality. She can be quite wild at times and think certain comments and actions are ok. Well last night we got to talking about our wedding night and all traditions concerning that. Our conversation eventually moved into the Bachlore party on both sides. Its our "last night of freedom" as she said. Well I dont know whats exactly status quo for the brides bachloret party but I'm very concerned about my future wife. I know as it should go without saying she wouldnt go that far just to "hurt me" the night before the big day. However, she said quite clearly she's going to drink and stop as she starts to feel a buzz coming, but still have a good time. She also said if her friends dare her to do something she's gonna do it. Well .... knowing temptation and drinking shouldnt ever go together makes me feel something between jealousy and anger when I think of what might happen. Looking for some advice from those who have been in my shoes but a little closer to the date and even some after the big day please. And also advice on the Norm for a bacheloret party. because I come from a very prideful family :cool: . I'm most likely gonna go to a bar have a few drinks and reminice ( or however you spell it) with friends I havent seen in awhile and I'm calling it a night. Kristina ( fiance) doesnt have any Restraint towards certain situations and I have yet to see how " loose" she can be when intoxicated. Just really worried guys :(

[coach]

Your post suggests that you are marrying someone that you don't actually know that well?

What is your worst fear here? Is it that she may make a fool of herself, or are you worried that she may have a one-night stand?

You say you don't yet know how "loose" she can be when intoxicated - you need to find that out before you marry her.

Three words come to mind: 'trust', 'values', and 'boundaries'.

In my experience, it's not unusual for people to go a little over the top when under the influence of alcohol - they can easily become disinhibited when under the influence and 'risk a little more' than usual, but that's not to say that people go completely against their own deeply held values and do something that they fundamentally believe to be morally wrong.

Imagine a Court Room situation where someone says: "well I don't normally rob banks Your Honour, but on this occasion, I had 'one too many'!". Or, I wouldn't normally steal my neighbours car, but I'd been celebrating, and you know what booze can do!"

Such excuses are not going to wash, are they?

The reply will be: "well if you can't control your behaviour when you have had a drink, then DON'T drink".

Personally, I think it's best to get to know someone before you marry them, because if you don't have some reliable information about their core values and where they place their personal boundaries, and whether they stay within them, you really don’t know whether you can trust them, and a relationship without trust is a very risky thing to live with.

It might be her last night of "freedom", but she still has a responsibility to you, and to herself for her own actions, whether drunk or not.

[nightman32]

How long have u known your fiancee? U should at least indulge her in her last acts of "freedom"

Marriage shouldn't be constraining, its takes a lot of give n take and even when u have that, arguments do happen.

Jealousy or anger on your part shows that u love her but learning to control those emotions will take some time.

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[coach]

Marriage shouldn't be constraining, its takes a lot of give n take and even when u have that, arguments do happen.

I think that is a matter of opinion, and something that needs discussing before a couple get married, i.e. 'what are the boundaries and where do they start and finish'.

The bottom line is about what each party to the relationship expects from the other.

Most of the people I have contact with have entered into a relationship with the expectation of monogamy, i.e. that with another person is out of bounds - whether they have a piece of paper saying 'married' or not.

Of course it's not possible to control the other person over such issues, it's down to each individual to control their own urges when coming under temptation - and I think it's realistic and healthy to think that most people who are married for any length of time will find themselves tempted at some point in their marriage. Temptation is not the crucial issue, what matters is how they handle such temptation. Which is far more likely to be about their personal values and level of maturity than anything else. Most relationships go through difficult phases and expecting to have to work at things sometimes is much more likely to secure the relationship than expecting life-long "romantic bliss".

I think the issue of alcohol is a red herring here, the real issue being about what is 'acceptable' to both parties and what is 'ruled out' by way of mutual agreement, and what basis in reality there is for the original poster's worries. If a couple are not able to agree such issues and have trust in each other at the beginning of a marriage, I don't think it bodes well for the future.

In my experience, most people involved in monogamous relationships do not feel happy or content about the idea of their partner having with another individual - which is totally natural.

No couple can know what the road ahead holds for them, but starting off with a shared vision of where you hope to be in the future, and how you intend to travel, is a good starting point.

[CuriousYouth21]

I've known her for 5 1/2 months now. We dated for 3 Confessed I loved her and poped the question, and we've now been engaged for 2 1/2 months now. I know I would like to think I know everything about her, And I DO trust her. However, not her personality when she's angry. See in her mind she thinks advice from anyone or someone telling her not to do something ON THE basis its morally wrong is trying to control her and she'd do it anyway according to her Ex-boyfriend and family members. As to the other question I dont know how loose she can be when under the influence as I am 20 right now, but will be 21 in 5 days. Therefore I havent gone to any bars or clubs with her yet. The problem towards the question I presented is the fact I told her I wanted to be a part of her world and she said she didnt want me to be. She only wanted to go to Bars or clubs with her friends as a "just her" kind of thing. According to her Ex-boyfriend he had to "walk on egg shells" the whole time because of her personality and she wanted to dominate. Well then I come along and I wont tolerate it ( which is why I think she respects me) I dont let anyone walk over me. But in that Causes the most arguments. Based on how she and I were raised we come from 2 totally different worlds. I told her last night that The way I was raised I KNOW the difference between right and wrong its obvious that anyone with intelligence knows ( I.E right and wrong become common sense). She replied to several of the things I know were morally and singularly wrong she replied to each of them as technically "theres grey area" or "no your wrong". Saying the way I was raised was wrong. We are both extremly prideful the difference is I've got the most heart. I've tried for the U.S. Marines Twice unfortunatly had to be medically discharged during the final weeks of boot camp both times. So needless to say I've also got alot of self Discipline, Pride and Loyalty. She's more Independant and ... Free I think is the term. She doesnt like or like to think she's being controlled. So I guess technically what I'm saying is I trust her just not the other side of the coin.

[chillwill]

Doesn't seem to me you've known her long enough. #2 you both dont seem compatible on alot of things. I believe some traditions aren't meant to be carried on. I never understand why people want to have bachelor parties before the big day and start a life long partnership with trust issues about what may have happenend the night before. Never marry someone you don't trust and in your case you dont even seem to get along. Just take things slow until all the doubts you have are answered.

[cheewagacheewag]

If you still don't trust her today, then you won't trust her after marriage. You sure you want to go through with this marriage?

[smackie9]

Why are you marrying this woman when you can't trust her behavior? It sounds to me that she is still very immature. You want someone like that to raise your children too? I think you should delay this wedding and really give this more time. She won't change her ways when she says I do. All you are doing is setting yourself with more grief and a possible divorce in 6 months.