I need second opinions!

[Missa]

I'm a new user and I'm hoping some of you readers can give me advice about my relationship and its recent problems.

I have been with my boyfriend for 1yr4mths. We love each other very much and everyone who met us told us we'd be together forever. We were perfect, we were best friends, soul mates.... the whole thing. We never fought and always had fun together. He treated me with the most love and respect as anyone I've ever heard of. He was absolutely perfect. Tall, blonde, handsome, smart and funny might I add.

A few months ago, he sat me on my bed and looked as sad as I had ever seen him. He told me I was his best friend and that his entire heart belonged to me, he started crying and confessed that he had cheated on me with a girl he didn't even know two weeks before. I was devastated. I broke up with him right away but took him back about a week later after he explained to me what really happened.

He told me he was studying in his room and his roommaate had friends over, she came into his room and started telling him how uniforms turn her on (He's training to be a police officer) and she cuddled next to him. They started having but after a few minutes, he stopped because he was overcome by guilt. He has always told me the truth, so I believed him. He cried for weeks with me on the phone. He even considered suicide before he confessed to me. He had written me a goodbye letter in his notebook.

Considering his story and the fact that he was man enough to tell me, I took him back. I still love him every every inch of my being but I don't trust him. He's been trying very hard to win back my trust and my respect and I know he loves me.... I just need to know if I'm doing the right thing. I hope I am... and how do I know he won't cheat on me again. He tells me that now he knows the feeling of losing me and he would never, ever do it again.... but Im doubting it. I just don't want to get hurt again.

Thoughts, anyone? Your opinion, positive or negative, is valued and accepted. I'm also only 17, in case that makes a difference. :(

[eightball61]

Considering his story and the fact that he was man enough to tell me, I took him back.:(


You took the first big step to this whole process with this line here. You trusted his word and telling you the truth that you beleive him. Relationships are based on trust and if you can't have none for your partner then its best not to be with them.

He is on his second chance. He allready broke the trust factor and it may be hard time dealing with some of the issues and years are to come. Take it all in slowly and step by step. See how your emotion play and work the relationship from there. You are not doing a bad thing on trying it out again but see what happens.

[Rich]

IMO I don't think that you'll find the answer here.

The answer that you're searching for is in your heart and only you know the answer.

Whether or not you can trust him is up to you and what you truly feel.

The fact that he stopped is a good thing. Sometimes men (maybe even women too, but I couldn't answer that) when they're in a committed relationship like to flirt and see if they "still have it". The still have it being attractive to women.

Maybe that was how it started with your BF and that other girl. Then it got way past the point of flirtation and he rightfully stopped it. The question is, did he stop it because it was the right thing to do? Or did he stop it because there was witnesses and he didn't want to get caught? The answer to those questions is very telling.

What does concern me more though, is the fact that he talked of suicide. That's scary and show's an emotional weakness. Hopefully the cops catch that on psych test and they don't let him become a cop. Sounds like he won't make it being that emotionally weak.

Whenever someone talks of suicide, that just shows me that they don't have their life together and that they need professional help. Your BF needs help.

Rich

[Missa]

Thank you for your opinions, it helps..
Rich, I appreciate that you said that I won't find the answer here... that really opened my eyes.. Our situation is unique.. I have to find the answer within myself... Thank you.

To the post above, he only thought of it because he couldn't see himself without me. He doesn't have emotions when it comes to police things, only when it comes to me. Your point is very true, and I completely agree, but I just want you to know that all the emotions are about me.

He has worked with police officers before and he has seen deaths and suicides and it hasn't affected him emotionally. In my mind, he is emotionally stable enough to become a police officer.

Thank you for the advice though, it is very much appreciated.

[iggydoll]

Hi Missa: You love him a lot and he loves you a lot, but he slept with another woman, knowing full well that you were his woman, while playing with her. Are you two getting along now, knowing that he did this? Is there a strain on your day-to-day dealings with each other? He hurt you, big time. What happens when you marry him, and you find out that he cheated again? By this time, you may have a child of his. Who will suffer then? The child will suffer most definitely. Everyone in the family will suffer. You must do what your heart tells you. Your conscious will let you know what direction to move with him. He will become a police officer and believe me, there will be a lot of women who will want to go to bed with him, you know this, right? I just know that I don't think I could honestly be comfortable with that.
melinda

[eightball61]

Its a mix of emotions and the cheating. You took him back do to your emotions in wanting him back for a second try. Whether if it going to work out or not is only to be determined in the future. If you both can set some things aside and try to rebuild go from there and see what happens. He admitted openly to what happen and a lot of men would have tried to hide it but the damage has been done. You can forgive but its hard to forget.

[Rich]

I'm sorry, but the suicide comment still bothers me.

Viewing suicide as an option shows me that a person's mindset isn't normal. Before doing anything like marrying this guy, you should have him talk to someone about that. You just can't disregard that statement, sweep it under the rug and make like it doesn't exist. It right out there.

Will you always have in the back of your mind that if the going got tough, that he would kill himself rather than deal with an issue? Would you decide to stay in your relationship because he threatened to kill himself if you left? And once they do that, they always do that. It's a control thing believe it or not.

He needs help and I think you're scratching the surface of some deeper problems.

Rich

[Missa]

Rich, I understand your point of view....

whatever... I just.. ah, I don't know.. I'll post another time, when I'm having a better day and that I can deal with all of this...

Thank you for your opinions... again..

[Rich]

A healthy, happy, strong, loving, long lasting and awesome relationship can only be had when both parties have strong, healthy, grounded and loving minds.

Evaluate your relationships in regards to what I just said because it's the truth and there's no getting around it.

Don't get me wrong, you can be in a relationship where one person is mentally and emotionally weaker than the other.....but it won't be a healthy, happy, strong, loving, long lasting and awesome one. And that's a fact!

Ask yourself what type of relationship it is that you're looking for and want. Don't settle. Find and be in one that will last and where you'll be happy.

Relationships should give you the greatest positive feelings in the world. The love that you get should totally lift you and fill your heart with joy. Relationships shouldn't bring about negative feelings. If you're relationship is negative, or you get negative feelings from it, then you need to leave it.

It's just that simple.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[Missa]

Alright, you guys have great points of views about the whole idea of suicide. But that's not how my boyfriend is. He doesn't threaten to kill himself if I break up with him..

Before he told me he had cheated on me, he said "I even went for a long walk on wednesday and I didn't know if I was coming back". He had never mentionned it before that time, and he hasn't since it happened. He is not suicidal and doesn't control me with it.

I hope this clears up a lot of things..

[Rich]

Missa-

You need to be clear in what you write. In your firsat post you said that "before he confessed he considered suicide. That he even wrote you a goodbye letter".

Now you're saying that he went for a walk and considered not coming back.

That can be looked at a few ways with one of them being suicide. An other way was that he wasn't coming back to your relationship. Or a third was that he was going to run away.

Not really knowing what he wrote in the "goodbye" letter, it's hard for us to tell.

In order for us to help you and for anyone on this forum, people should only write things that they know or things that are factual. Assumptions and or guesses really isn't going to get the help that one might be looking for.

My advice to you is to trust your heart, but don't be blinded, or choose not to see what actually exists. Be honest in all aspects of your relationship and see what exist and not what you'd like to exist.

Periodically take a step back and look at things from a 5000 foot view. See the whole picture. A lot of times we can't see things for what they are because we're down in the forest and our view is blocked by feelings and emotions.

Good luck

Rich