Chinese Wife...

[excitation]

I have recently gotten separated - The biggest hurdle that we couldn't get over was that my wife comes from a very wealty family, and she hasn't worked in five years. Every penny she has comes from her mom, car insurance, food, house, clothes, trips, everything. I knew this going in, but I always thought at some point in her life she would cut the cord - I just couldn't hack it anymore, she wasn't spoiled in her head, but in the real world, she was spoiled rotten. She didn't think anything was wrong with getting 'help' from her mom, even at 30 years old!! I have worked since I was 16. Another thing is that I NEVER got along with her mom, since day one she never accepted me. This made it even worse that she controlled my wife with money - I just wish my honey could have done life on her own... am I wrong to be angry here?:mad:

[coach]

This made it even worse that she controlled my wife with money - I just wish my honey could have done life on her own... am I wrong to feel angry here?


No, I don't think you are "wrong to be angry", but realistically, being angry doesn't help you sort things out, it might even make things worse if her mother tells her: "see what kind of man he is!"

So even though you feel angry, my advise is to try and be calm when you talk to her.

Maybe some of this is cultural and the fact that she has never been required to fend for herself.

What would you like to happen now?

If you want to give the relationship every chance, why not try counselling?

The involvement of a neutral third party might help her to see your point of view on this.

[Diablo]

Most cultures see nothing wrong with helping their children out after they become adults. In America, people cut the cord young, but this is not so in most countries. You want her to change, but you should be prepared to meet her halfway. Of course both mother and daughter are going to object to your saying she should work. Her mother does not want her to and does not think that she should have to. Not having to work is one of the privilages of wealth and if you suggest she work for an employer who'll work her to death for ghetto wages, you deserve her contempt. The middle ground is to talk to her about talking to her mother about the daughter starting her own business. Mother provides the start up capitol, daughter makes it work and if it works, she is working and has her own wealth.

[Shemms]

Hi there, as a newbie here- i seem to have allot to say... I wanted to pipe in here as well- b/c I am newly married (2 years) and am 26, my husband is 29. We are presently living in his parents house! We lived in our own place (they helped w/ the down payment) for 1 year then sold it, and now are saving to buy a house so they opened the doors to us. This really helps us- especially since we are starting our own business together after recently graduating from business school... WE are under enormous stress, and I sometimes feel like his parents, (my inlaws) do too much for us, and well "owe" them one day. But, everything they do for us, or lend us $ in the event of a short fall on a particular month, will be paid back, and then some. So, while we are definately spoiled by them, we are also very appreciative, and we both acknowledge that we need to get out of the house asap, which is happening in a few months.

The reason i am telling you this is to realize that unless your wife realizes that this bothers you (getting $ from her parents) you will never see eye to eye. If she cant be honest (im sure she realizes the issue, but doesnt want to say), then that is tough. I do see where you would be frustrated... and my dh seems spoiled to me sometimes too, as hes only 1:2 kids, and his parents can help us, but i wonder sometimes- shoudl they be? or should we be forced to tough it out as my parents had to (i come from 1:5 kids, and had a more middle class upbringing while DH is upper class upbringing..)..

Anyhow- you need to confront your wife maybe even have a sit down w/ your inlaws. thats what we do when things get hairy to work out the kinks. You shouldnt give up out of frustration, but out of non-compliance- that is understandable. You would like to live in reality, and you need to know that your wife does to.

Lastly, i dont mean to be rude or blunt- but did you know your wife was this way prior to tying the knot? What were you expecting? you need to ask yourself are you being realistic with her? You can only change someone to a point - as once people become adults alot of the things that were engrained in them as they were growing up are very hard to undo.. not impossible, but you must be up for the challenge.


Best wishes, and best luck my friend... along your journey of life, love and finding happiness.

:)