Internet in marriage OK?

[Shemms]

I am currently married for 2 years, and have been dating my present husband for almost 8 prior, and am only 26, he is 29. This past year has been incredibly tough, and we are starting a business together after graduation from business school, and we have been living with his parents for a year now. Our ual life is OK- not what i would think it would be if we were alone, but OK considering where we are living and how much stress we are under. My husband is pretty conservative, traditional, honest and very straightforward. He told me once before we got married that he looked and got pleasure from internet , and he was worried and told me.. he wanted to make sure that was OK- and was open about it. I was upset, but now that I am married, i suppose i just thought if he needed to look at he would just come to me instead for his ual needs. I will confess myself, that i did instigate a time when we both looked at the together, during , around the summer a few months ago ... and had some fun with it, but then we thought it was weird and went back to normal ways. I deleted all the downloads from our computers, and didnt ask him if it was OK..

Then, early this morning i was woken suddenly from a horrible nightmare. I dreampt my husband was cheating on me w/ my uncles girlfriend (who is a grandmother..LOL) but in the dream i was sooo mad at DH. But it might have been nothing much but a weird string of dreams b/c prior i was dreaming that my sister was cheating on her boyfriend of 7 years..lol.. BUT- none the lesss, I turned over, and felt my bed for my DH (around 5:30am) and he wasnt in the bed... (many many nights he gets up and sleeps in the living room b/c he is physiclaly very sore and lately has also been sick and coughing which he doesnt want to wake me up).. but sometimes im paranoid b/c he has his computer set up in his parents bat. So- i took this dream maybe a little too seriously, and went to the LR where he wasnt sleeping.. so then i tip toed downstairs and saw alittle blue light on, and snuck up behind him and as always see him looking at cars and has earphones on listeneing to music. (hes such a kid sometimes).. but i am forever paranoid (maybe its my very overactive imagination) that he is online w/ .

So, i confront him, and say i want to go upstairs and talk. So, i tell him about my dream, and that i woke up really upset.. and I said- honestly do you EVER go online w/ .. I said that he could tell me and it was important for me to know... and that even i am guilty of occasionally peeking at it, but only very very rarely (few x's/year)... so he says "yes- i do.. but its very very rare.. " so i say- how many times? and he says "about 1-2x's per month. normally if i have my period, or if we dont have for awhile"... So that got me upset and i wanted to ask more but i didnt want to push the issue too much, for fear i might make him think Im paranoid, which honestly- im not really, and i do trust him, but i think i just get jealous if hes online looking at . I asked him if he just looks at it for fun, or for actual pleasure (physically speaking) and he said "physically".. so that upset me- and i told him that sometimes i feel like i want and i dont say anything.. and he was liek "well we cant judge anything right now b/c were living w/ my parents, were under allot of stress etc.. and things will change and get better.. and asked me not to judge him right now"...


So- long story short- is it normal for this to happen? Should i ask him not to do it? I already said that I guess if he only does it a few x's year its OK b/c hes a guy- and thats normal- but is it? I am afriad b/c i hear horror stories that normal couples in love have kids, then the husband gets addicted to , and they split up... that seems to be the society we live in, and DH thinks im always crazy and overreacting - but maybe its just a touch of jealously, and even more strange, it makes me desire him even more. Am i sick or something? Overall i would say all things considered (and we are in a very stressful life right now) that we do have good, healthy relationship- but I just like to get some feedback, am i paranoid? is it normal? should i police him more? less? not bring it up? Wait to see if it persists?

Anyhow- thanks for reading this long, but very important post to me..

ps- i just wanted to add that i just checked my DH's computer, and went into Limewire (where we had the ) and went into the Library where i deleted the downloads (most were my downloads..lol) and there were none ... so unless hes deleting it - which i dont think he would do- he has been honest in saying he hasnt done it in awhile and mainly was doing it a bit during the summer when we were experimenting w/ it. so- maybe i am just over reacting?

[terrylee]

Shemms,

Well I am a married guy your age. I am sure that you know that males are more visual stimulated then women. So that in itself is normal. I understand how you could feel the way you do. But I feel that from an outside guys point of view that you might be a little paranoid.

I dont think it after having children that internet is a problem. I know it could be because women, more then men feel the need to be attractive. And after a pregnancy your body will change. My wife and I have a child. And just because she isnt as thin as she would like to be doesnt mean I find her just as beautiful as before. I am still extremely attractive as she was before child birthing.

The fact that your husband told you before you got married says alot. It would be different if he kept it from you behind your back. I dont think that policing him more would help. It might even make things worse if you are constantly second guessing him and always looking over his shoulder and all. Because when that happens he thinks that you dont trust him (I am having some trust issues about stupid things, myself). Maybe you could give me some advice from a females prospective about my issue!

And you are not sick for desiring him even more. To me it seems like you are trying to show him that you are better then what he might be looking at. And I am sure that he feels that way too. I have been looking at for years. And I really dont know why, we (guys) do it all of the time. But it doesnt mean I would choose that over my wife. Its more like a curiosity really.

Well I hope that you get this and maybe you can get something meaningful out of this. Well I hope that things work out for you. Take care.

Terrylee

[smackie9]

Give your husband some credit. He sounds like he is a pretty straight forward honest guy and wouldn't do anything behind your back.

Don't take what you read to heart. Those are extreme cases and not about the average guy. addiction is an obsessive compulsive disorder.

So rest assured your husband isn't going to be like that.

[Rich]

Yes. It's normal. 1 to 2 times a month is not a big deal. When people are on the computer alot, it's a normal temptation to search for and look at what's out there.

It's doesn't sound like an addiction if you went downstairs and he was looking at cars.

I wouldn't make this bigger than it is.

[Randall]

I don't think lookin at and cars in a magazine are the same thing. My friend gave me an external hard drive recently to use for back-up. He had 10 gigs of on it. I looked at some of it... after a few, it's all the same. I was thinking to myself about the issue of . Internet, tapes, dvds, whatever. It's all . My wife and I have watched a here and there. And I have to tell you. it's more fun to watch together. Perhaps, he should have you watch it together or just get an old-fashioned tape and watch it together when the time is right. I think there's a time and place for everything. And if the two of you are open to trying it together as a foreplay, who knows... it could spice-up your OK life????

One more thing to think about. He's most likely wathcing to get aroused to masterbate. I'm a guy. Trust me.. He's not just watching it and going back to bed. And since most people masterbate, what's the harm? Men and women need different things to get in the mood. And perhaps, is his a few times a month. Good luck.

[piratesmate]

Shemms,

Does it bother you that your husband enjoys online ? If so, then he should respect you and stop it and pay more attention to you.

If a man prefers online to his wife, then there is something wrong with him, as in my situation.

Would you be willing to view the together? Or does he prefer to do it alone? Is your ual relationship good or is it lacking? If so, do you suppose it's the online ? Talk it out.
Men don't understand how us women feel inside especially when a man prefers than his other half. It makes us feel unwanted, ugly, and we are thinking "I cannot compete with that." If this is your situation, let him know. Talk it out. Compromise.