Love, marriage?

[beaniesplus]

I've been dating "Aaron" for 13 months, living with him for the last 7 months. We both were married (to someone else) for about 6-7 years. (I'm 25 and he's 30) He's been divorced for 4 years and I have been divorced for 1 year. In the 4 years that he was divorced, I'm the second girlfriend he has had. His first one was 2 years after the divorce and lasted about 3 months. Two years later he starts to date me.

We met at work. I was the one that asked him out. We started doing things together as friends. He told me that he didn't want to get into a relationship with anyone. So we only did things as friends. Then of course it ended up into a relationship.

I fell in love with him about 6 months after we started dating. I haven't really told him. I did say it in a note twice. There are two reasons why I don't say it in person. 1. I know that he has a problem with the word love. He only tells his 10yr old son that he loves him. 2. Partly because I'm scared of how he will react to it because of how he feels about love.

(A note - "Darrell" works with both of us. He is a good friend to both of us. "Darrell" told me that "Aaron" talked to him once about his feelings for me. "Darrell" said that "Aaron" told him that he does love me but can't tell me. He feels bad because he can only tell me that he cares for me. I know that "Darrell" is not a liar but I find it hard to believe that "Aaron" said that.)

How long do you give a relationship when the words of love have not been said?

Another question deals with marriage. He has said that he doesn't want to get married again. I do, but not right now. He told me that if I wanted to get married then I am in the wrong relationship. On Sunday, we were at a bar watching the Superbowl. Before we left he was talking to a friend of his. When I walked over to them, the guy had asked "Aaron" if he had given me a ring. "Aaron" said no then made a joking comment, "If she wants to get married then she's out the door." Is this his way of playing it off in front of his friends?

Someone told me that you can change a guys mind about marriage. Is that true? I did change his mind about being in a relationship. He didn't want one but here we are.

Help me please.
beaniesplus

[eightball61]

It sounda like his first marriage really took a toll on him and impacted a lot of stuff. He may not want to get married again because he doesn't want to go through the pain of a divorce again. He still seems hurt over that past marriage. There is really no way to change his mind because he is the one that has to be ready to move on from that. He seems very scared about getting into another deep relationship. Its hard to tell if he will ever pop out of that shell. IT seems like he had a lot set for his ex and the divorce impacted alot on him.

I saw my GF for 2 years before I said I love you to her. It happened a few months after we started being BF/GF. Durning that time we were just seeing each other and she would tell me that she loves me but I wouldn't respond to it.

My point being it takes time to say I love you. I dont want to say it unless I really mean it. Those words are huge to me and they are to you. You dont have to say it unless you are ready.

What you both may need is a good talk to see where you both want things to go. YOu both need to express how you all feel and what you want out of things. You want the relationship to grow and he doesn't. You both need to work something out or nothing may ever get worked out.

[beaniesplus]

I know that he might be scared about marrying again. I can understand that. If he is scared to get into another deep relationship, then why was he the one that asked me to move in with him? I was never the one to say anything about moving in together. He was the one that always brought it up.

[eightball61]

It could be a step process that he is trying to take. By asking you to move in allows him to adjust again the foundation in living with another partner. He may say at this time he thinks he may never be able to marry again but that all can change in the future. What you need to do is see what you want.. Are you willing to take that chance that he may or may not marry in the future? Or do you want to get married but see no hope here?

[Rich]

Relationships take their own course and there are no time tables as to when certain things are to happen or be said.

It's all what you feel in your heart as to when you want to say something or do something. Don't let his actions control your actions. Either you feel a certain way or you don't. His feelings shouldn't play into yours.

If you love him, then say it. What's the big deal really? That he won't say it back? Then you know where you are in this.

Actually he's been out front in his feelings about marriage and not wanting to. Don't try to force square pegs into round holes. Right now your BF is getting his milk without buying the cow, if you know what I mean.

If marriage is what you're looking for, then you need to have a frank discussion with your BF and tell him that. Tell him that if it's not in the plans with him, that it's better if you broke up, moved out and went in a new direction.

No need to be nasty or sad, or anything about it. Just be open, forthright and honest. Things are what they are sometimes. You can't force things.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com