his ex back in town! what should i do?!

[lostlilstar]

I'll give you a background on our relationship so you can more easiely understand whats going on.

My current boyfriend and I started going out in June 2004, we met a week after I found out my long term boyfriend had been cheating on me, and a month after he found out his long term (long distance) fiancee had been cheating on him. And about a month later we started dating. :cool:

Well from the get-go I knew he still had feelings for his ex, who doesnt? I still did, even though I refused to so much as talk to me ex, while he still would send emails back and forth. His ex is in the military, and he told me he was afraid to say something he didnt mean, and then have her die while in Iraq. So I found that understandable.

There was a break in our relationship, a few months after. I didnt know if I could date him while still being in love with my ex, now I am over that. We stayed apart for about a month. But over that month, we were still really good friends, and we did a lot of talking about our exs.... to help each other get through being cheated on. I learned that he still really missed her, and he told me he would always love her. And that he still tells her that he does, but thats only at the end of emails, or something.

Well a few months down the road, things going well in our relationship, he tells me he is in love with me. So our relationship is brought up another notch. Good because I love him back, but bad because it makes things more complicated. And I knew that when his ex came home, some sort of trouble would start.

Well, because of my previous relationship, I am a very paranoid person, I check his email (without him knowing) and look at his phone to see who he has been calling, or texting or anything. I go as far as driving past his house to make sure he his home. I know its ridiculious but it gives me peace of mind. But in his emails I still see that he tells her he loves her at the end of each email. It goes like blah blah blah blah, love you, (his name). But Ive ignored it, cos I write those sort of things to other people too.

Well, to the present. She is coming back, well, sometime this week. :confused: And here I am, having no clue what to do or say. I already talked to him about it, he didnt get mad, but he said he would be mad if i broke up with him for the sheer reason of her coming home for a month. Which I understand. But I know he wants to see her, I havent asked if i could come with to see her, because from what I know about her, that probably wont fly. In all honesty, I dont want him to see her, and I am afraid that if I say that, #1 Im being to unreasonable, #2 that he'll do it anyway, behind my back. But one other reason that I am so afraid of him seeing her is he told me that she asked if he would cheat on me :mad: , not specfically with her, but I am a girl, I know what that means. What do I do?? Give up on him? Keep it going, and try to put more faith in him?? Tell him he cant see her?? :(

[inquisitive]

Keep it going. Put more faith in him. Tell him why you don't want him to go see her. have a normal, rational, conversation about it. You have the right to feel the way you do, and he has the right to go see her. Find out why he has to go see her. Make sure it's in a very public place, that you know when, and where (but don't go there). From both of your pasts he should understand why you need these reassurances.

[lostlilstar]

I have a had a fairly normal, rational conversation with him. Even though I did start to cry, but all he did was try to comfort me. But because of my last relationship, I am so worried something is going to happen. I dont know many guys who wouldnt accept an offer when given one. And I feel thats what she has done. Im just afraid that when he sees her, he will change his mind. Its a lot different emailing back and forth, than actually seeing someone. He swears he wants nothing to do with her in a ual/relationship sense, but I think seeing her may change that. :(
Im THIS worried and she isnt even here, I cant imagine how I will feel later this week when she really is. I really dont want this to turn out like my last relationship, which devestated me so much.

[beaniesplus]

You need to have trust in a relationship or it won't work. I know it's hard to trust someone after you've been cheated on. My ex-husband cheated on me. Now I'm in another relationship. It was hard for me to not get jealous. I had never been a jealous person before. Once I realized why I was getting jealous, I stepped back and looked at myself. I had to let go of the past before I could live in the present and deal with the future.

Let him meet her when she comes back. Show him that you trust him. If he really does love you, then nothing will happen. I know it will be hard.

[eightball61]

When I started dating my GF my ex came back home from the airforce. We stayed good friends. during her leave. When she came home I discussed with her the importance of me seeing her and she allowed it. Although I was faithful and nothing happened. Months after it happened I felt guilt because me and this girl had a ual past and I know feel it wasn't right.

What you can do is compromise a time for them just to see each other so you know the time he will be back. You could also hang with them as a group when the time comes. Its really hard to say how to approach this because he has his side and you have yours to it. Just keep th ecommunication going but keep it an an adult tone.

[lostlilstar]

It probably wouldnt be as big of a deal to me if he didnt tell me how she asked him to cheat on me. I know how girls are when they want someone, especially someone they've had in the past. But you are just saying I should just let whats going to happen, happen? And if he is faithful to me, then maybe our relationship will be that more stable, but if he isnt than Im going to have a break down from being cheated on in my last two serious relationships. :confused: In all honest I dont think he is planning on cheating on me, but Im afraid of what happens in the moment, and if it does, it will destroy me. Although I am over my ex, Im not over the humality, the broken heart of being cheated on, and I cant feel that way again.

[Rich]

IMO you have some internal issues that you need to learn how to deal with. Checking his emails and what have you is an invasion of privacy! There's no other way to say that.

Trust, trust and trust. That's a key ingredient to a successful relationship and you don't seem to want to give it.

I can see where you were hurt and it might be hard to trust. But you're going to have to learn to do it again.

Ckecking emails, text messages and then driving by his house to "see" what's going on. You've got some issues and any relationship that you get into will suffer because of it.

Be the type of person that won't make someone cheat on you. Have the type of relationship that won't make someone else looks elsewhere. That's what you need to be concentrating on.

There had to have been a reason, or reasons, why your BF cheated. What were they? Did you give him everything that he was looking for? Do you know what he was looking for and wanted?

If you had had an open, honest, trusting and communicative relationship where you both could talk about concerns, issues, desires or wants, then whatever drove you BF to cheat on you would have been discussed and worked out. He then would not have cheated. That's your answer.

That's what you need to be concerned about doing and having. Openness. Honesty. Communication. Trust. Work on those aspects of your relationship. Make your relationship a positive one. Right now your relationship is a negative one with what you're doing.

I'd drop you in a heartbeat if I found out that you had been going into my emails and test messages. History or no history. Then to find out that you drive by my house too? Good bye Glen Close. Don't need that psychoticness.

Work in a positive direction, not a negative one.

Rich

[inquisitive]

Rich, I agree with pretty much everything that you said except that it was her that drove her boyfriend to cheat. I don't think thats correct or fair. Her boyfriend made that choice for himself. If he wasn't happy in the relationship all he had to do was end it not be a sneak and a coward and cheat on his girlfriend. There is no excuse for cheating and I don't think it's the person who got cheated ons fault. Just my .02

[Rich]

I wasn't neccessarily placing blame. My view on relationships is that it takes two to make them work and it takes two to mess them up.

We have to look at why most people cheat and I would say that it has mostly to do with . When it's more than , most people will want out of the marriage and will want a divorce. On the other hand, if it's just , then people stay in the relationship but have affairs.

Would most people agree with that? Well, that's my view anyway.

So if someone had an affair and isn't asking to end the relationship, then they must be mostly satisfied with the relationship on the whole, but just not satisfied ually.

With that being said, only lostlilstar can evaluate her life. Do they satisfy each other? Did he want to try things and she wasn't receptive to it. Did it get boring? Is the interest gone?

Who knows, maybe her BF just wanted variety and then I would put it all on his selfishness. But again, most times there's something lacking and the relationship isn't strong enough or at the stage where these feelings can be expressed and worked out.

Everybody is raised differently and we each have our own views on based on religion, morality and what our parents said or how they acted towards it.

I'm sorry if I came across as blaming lostlilstar, because the blame lays with them both. They're both responsible for the relationship being the way that it is where things can't be discussed.

She can get pissed that he cheated, but look at why he cheated. Treat the cause and not the outcome.

Rich

[inquisitive]

What you say does make sense. I just interpreted your other post differently. I really don't have any experience when it comes to cheating and why someone would cheat. Just reading about it happening to others hurts! I would say thats where communication comes in again. If the cheating partner could just communicate to the other what is going on in their heads it should be avoidable.

[lostlilstar]

Well I definately do understand what you mean about why my ex boyfriend did cheat on me. And I have my ideas, but Im not for sure. So you think if my now boyfriend is satisfied in the relationship, ually and emotionally. That he wont cheat? I wasnt quite sure what you were getting at with that.

About my paranoia, I understand. And if I found out that he was doing the same thing Im doing to him, I would be freaked out. Even when I do it, Im seriously think I am being soooo stupid, but I feel like its the only way Ill know for sure. The only way my doubting mind will just shut up and let me relax. I understand, I have waaaay too much paranoia. Awhile back I told him that, I told him I was a really jealous girl, and I didnt know if that was a good way to be in a relationship, he just told me he really wants to be with me, and didnt want to break up over something we could work through.

But as for him seeing her, what should I do? Just suck it up, and pray for the best? Tell him I dont want him to see her? I think one of the suggests you guys gave was to let him see her, but in a public place?

[Rich]

Yes, that is what I meant. If a person is getting everything they need and want out of a relationship, then there's no need to go elsewhere because there's nothing to go elsewhere for.

Does that make sense?

If I like ice cream and I get all that I WANT and DESIRE from Baskin Robbins, why do I need to go to Carvel? The only reason would be go somewhere different and if that's the case then this person shouldn't get married or be the one that you marry. It means that he'll cheat again.

As for him seeing his EX. Let him go. Tell him that if he has with her that you're over. If he sees her and breaks up with you, then you never had anything that was going to last long term anyway, so don't get upset. Better to know now.

He has to WANT to be with you. Let him work through his feelings and see where his heart lies.

If you're confident in your relationship with him, then there are no worries.

As for jealousy, they call it the green eyed monster for a reason. It's ok to be jealous of your SO, it shows that you care. You just can't go overboard and become paranoid or restictive. A part of having a great relationship is giving your SO the freedom of doing what they want and trusting in them to always do the right thing. If you can't trust that then you're in for a long, hard argumentative road.

Often times in life we all feel like we'll never meet and be with someone and then when we get someone, we hold on with a death grip. The trick is to be comfortable with who you are and know that you will always have the ability to find someone to date. This will lessen your grip and help that relationship to grow instead of choking it to death.

Rich

[lostlilstar]

So you think even though she told him she wanted him to cheat on me, I should just let him so her and pray for the best? I understand that holding on with a death grip is no good, but not wanting your bf hang out with girls you know want to have with him doesnt seem like a deathgrip, it seems like a logical worry. If he was okay with me hanging out with ex's who want to have with me, I would wonder what was wrong, and why he wasnt jealous. In a way Id want him to tell me no thats not okay.

[Rich]

If you're in a relationship that is serious and leading to getting engaged and married, then you should be able to trust your boyfriend.

If right now you're just sort of dating but without intentions of getting serious, serious, then it can go either way when he sees her.

Here's how I would put it to him.

Say to him that you feel uncomfortable with him seeing an ex-GF that wants him to cheat on you. Ask him how he would feel if the table was turned and it was you seeing an ex-bf who wanted you to cheat on him?

Say to him that you trust him, but that if ually, he feels unsatisfied with you and wants to cheat, to just let you know right now so you can end the relationship.

If he says that he is ually satisfied with you (and means it) then explain to him that there should be no need to see this other women. If you're in a serious relationship (going towards marriage), explain to him that there should be no need for him to see her then. That he should consider your feelings first before that of an ex-GF.

Tell him that you're not forcing him not to see her, that it's his choice. Then see what he does. If he sees her, then you have an answer as to how much he respects you. Do what you need to do from that point on.

Explain your feelings and then put the ball in his court.

[lostlilstar]

Okay
So it's been a little while that my bf's ex has been back in town. I told him that if he wants to see her that he could, but that I dont know why he would want to see her and give her the oppurunity to screw up everything he has got since she has been gone. His reply to that was that he was planning on seeing her just long enough to get his cell phone changed into his name so he could stop going to her parents house to drop off checks (since they have a joint cell phone account). But that he didnt want to see her other than that. Then he told me that she had called him and told him that all he needed was a number to change it over, so he got that from her, and told me he isnt even going to see her, because he sees how much it upsets me.

I guess my plan is that if he is telling me that he isnt going to see her, and I found out he really did, then I think I should break up with him.

As for how serious our relationship is, he has been hinting at us moving in together. But I dont know what's going on with that and if we ever will.

[inquisitive]

Thats great! He listened to you and he's not going to see her! Also he has no need to see her if the cell phone is changed over right? Happy it worked out for you!

[eightball61]

The positive look here is he is using this time while she is in town to settle up on a few last things like the phone bill. He is going to get it in his name and that shows to me you have nothing to worry about because he is getting the seperation. I understand that you are paranoid over this whole thing but calm down some and try not to overreact. Overreacting can cause a lot of things. Like you talked about breaking up with him if he sees her and depending on the excuse I say no. If he is settling stuff he may have to talk and see her so you dont break up with him. Realize that we all bump into ex's and that doesn't mean things are going to hit off.

[Rich]

If I was in her shoes and my boyfriend said that he wasn't going to see her because he sees how upset that I was and he went behind my back and did it anyway......I'd break up with him too.

On a separate note......he should not want to see his ex-gf because it upsets you. Rather he should recognize that it just isn't neccessary nor the right thing to do. That should be his reason for not wanting to see her.

When things like this happen a number of times, where the person does something because they don't want to upset their partner, rather than not doing something of their own free will, resentment can set it. Your BF should do it for him and your relationship, not neccessarily just do it because it upsets you. By doing that he's not really getting the point. If you know what I mean.

Rich

[lostlilstar]

Well, I still firmly believe if he goes behind my back to see her. And isnt honest with me, like Ive been trying to tell him thats all I want from him. Then I think I should break up with him. Especially cos that would make it seem like something is going on.

As for when I say it upsets me, it isnt like Im yelling at him to not see her. I just calmly try to talk to him about it, and sometimes that results in me crying because I get upset thinking about him cheating on me. I dont feel like I forced him not to see her. He tells me that I am his life now, not her, and he doesnt want to jepordize us.

Although last night I found it a little odd, I thought we had things resolved when it came to her. And that I wasnt going to break up with him unless he did cheat on me. But we were laying in bed, and he was asking me about this guy from work who had been text messaging me, I guess he was a little jealous of that. I have no interest in this guy, but I was trying to buy some speakers off him, so I was talking to him. And my bf asked me what was up with that, and then said "I dont want either of us to break up with the other because we're jealous" and I asked him if he was refering to his ex, and he said yea. As I said earlier, I thought that had been resolved. So what scares me, is I almost felt like he was scared of something. Maybe just me breaking up with him, or maybe him seeing her behind my back?

I guess I am just wondering if there are any signs I should be looking out for if he has actually seen her or not. We practically live together, but sometimes I work evening while he always works days, so I never know for sure what he is doing while Im away. I know you cant always watch your bf, nor should you need or want to. But I would like to know if there are signs I should look out for if he is lying to me.

[inquisitive]

You would really know best what the signs of him lying are. It can be hard but if you do trust him you shouldn't be looking for signs that he's cheating. It's easy for most people to look at situations and see what they want to see. So if you're actively looking for something someone tells you will be an indication he's lying then you'll probably find it.

Your boyfriend probably has the same insecurities about you cheating and that is why he wanted to know about the text messages. If you're constantly worried about him cheating there is a good chance he's worried about the same thing from you. Which may be why he brought up not wanting to break up because of jealousness.

You were both cheated on so it makes sense you have the same insecurities about it happening again.

[eightball61]

You both are digging at eachother.... You did your share and now he is trying to find dirt on your end. If the textes were about speakers then it should come to him that you are not hiding anything. Personally I think to save any arguements its best you just talk to this guy face-to-face at work rather than text messages.

You and your boyfriend though needs to stop all these games. You need to stop looking for things with his ex and he needs to stop with you and this guy from work. You and him should be focused on your relationship and finding ways to make it better through this little lump. This lump is like a test to see if you both can deal with things. You both need to find a way or all this nitpicking will lead to failure of the relationship.